The Tunnel in the Mirror

I saw my reflection in the mirror —it changed my perspective— I molded a version of myself based on a shiny, metal covered glass. At first, it was revolutionary, I became familiar to a face that was mine. Then I started becoming familiar to other faces as well. Inevitably, I started comparing.

The insecurity transpired throughout middle school with small comments from my classmates. I was in seventh grade, the year of question. Academically, I was doing great. I had a group of small friends that I trusted, which I was grateful for. We would sometimes have these arbitrary conversations that went into depth about life. We were in lunch and Marie stated "Why are some people better looking than others?" I was appalled. "It's like we're being punished." Yasmine agreed. My eyes tried to grasp each emotion coming from my friends' eyes. In that moment it was apparent that my friends felt as if we were inferior to the people among us. I felt so sorrow for them, there's so much more to the world than our faces. But I did begin to question: why did I look different? This could've been an empowering question if it was directed towards the right path. Unfortunately I'd realized how loud my face actually was. It controlled how people viewed me. I began reeking insecurity.

Those long conversations that my friends and I used to have, came to an abrupt end. Instead, it was short comments about what we wished we would change. We replaced confidence with a mirror. Valentina was the best of us, she got the highest marks and she had a loving supportive family. I remember Valentina tried to stop us, her mom warned her that "we were traveling to a road that has no end." We ignored her, her mom was pretty. What would she know? Even us as a community of friends, we still felt like outsiders in comparison. Slowly, I would notice Valentina separating herself from us. When we confronted her about it, she said, "your empty lives are filled with toxicity". Her comment hurt us all, but it was just so hard to get out of a rut like this. Eventually, we became strangers. Time to time she would give me a sad smile.

Soon our friend group began to fall apart. We all thought we were different from one another so we separated ourselves, little did I know that was my last ever friend group in middle school. At least they tried to find someone to lean back on. I just became a distant memory to everyone I loved. This was more than how I looked. It was about how I felt. That's something people don't understand. I stopped trying in school, what was my purpose in life anyways? Somehow, all my problems come from questions. So I stop questioning, now I truly became empty. I had nothing left in me no hope, no confidence, and not a single care in the world. Everyone moved on except me. I knew it was sad because I had my whole life ahead of me. People stoped talking to me and I assumed it was because of my looks.

I felt dead, but being dead you would still have people that care about you. People that would show up to your funeral. I was so sure that no one would. So why would I even bother? The truth is I can't stop with the questions. My whole life is a mystery. Every day, I would look in the mirror. I would ask myself, do you think you have a purpose? I should've known there was more than my looks. I used to be the embodiment of joy, intelligence and curiosity. It's funny how those shifted into a mortifying life sentence. I was forever trapped in a tunnel.

My obsession with myself came in steps.

I had a weirdly shaped nose. My nose had a big curve and huge pores, it was obvious to anyone who looked close enough and especially me. What was the purpose of a nose? I knew it was helping me breathe and giving me another dimension of life, but that air that filled my nose was toxic. I'm sure of it, I felt suffocated. It was just ruining my life. In fact, it was helping me find flaws. "If my nose was perfect, everything would be perfect!" Everyone would like me better, I would have more friends, and I would most definitely would be happier. So I removed nose from the situation. I found a way to re-shape it to the perfect form, the attractive form.

Kind of weird that my eyes are unattractive. I mean my cousin has beautiful eyes and mine look completely different from hers. My eyes don't have lashes perfectly placed. My eye color is different from my dad and my sister's. I must be unattractive because I'm different. "Oh, what I would do to change my eyes." I would change my eyes from brown to green, everyone loves green! So I did.

My mouth is so small and crusty. Who would ever want to talk to me, it's not like my output on life is valuable or my mouth is. I would just get ignored. "Ugh, I hate my mouth", it just makes me sound stupid anyways. Even my teeth, hidden from my eyes, get exposed to my self hatred. But I don't really hate myself, I just hate my mouth. If that part of me changed I would be normal. I changed my lips.

Gosh, my hair. It's a tangled curly mess. Straight hair would be so much easier to manage. I would love my hair and myself. People always see my hair in a braid, maybe I would be more approachable if my hair was straight. Or even wavy, because curly is too much. I quickly noted this down as my one of many things to change about myself. But I wasn't becoming myself anymore, I was becoming society's expectations. I was becoming the harsh reality of the mirror. I was becoming the mirror. Even a mirror, doesn't capture us in our fullest capacity. I'm going through a never-ending tunnel, and I will never make my way out until I break the mirror.