The Fall

There wasn’t anything greater than the atmosphere that Opal Beach had to offer. The sunlight twinkled on the surface of the waves as they rolled into shore. Children’s laughter filled the salty sea air. Couples walked the esplanade hand in hand, chatting away with each other and saying hello to others passing by.

I was in paradise.

Except there was one thing that could kill the calming mood. The ever-looming presence of Endometriosis. It was like a shadow that followed me around, or a bad smell. The predictably unpredictable pain caused me to come to a halt. I leaned against the rough timber fence that separated the esplanade from the beach. I closed my eyes and focused on the environment.

‘Estelle!’ A young voice called, snapping me back to reality. ‘Estelle!’

I looked down to find my next-door neighbour’s kid running towards me. His blonde curls flopped into his eyes. I bent down to his level. ‘Hello, Henry, where’s your mum?’

‘Oh, I ran to catch up to you, she’s —’ he paused to point further along the esplanade. ‘—Right there.’

She was a speck in the distance.

How quickly did he run? Goodness.

‘She’s a bit far away, why don’t we hang out while she catches up?’ I suggested.

‘Cool.’

I often babysat for Trina and Greg if their usual babysitters couldn’t make it. Henry was a great kid, easily entertained and loved discussions. He may have been eight, but he had an old soul. I introduced him to some of my favourite age-appropriate classics, and he loved them.

‘So what did you do at school today?’ I asked.

‘Ugh, it’s so boring, I just want to build things. Like — Like a rocketship,’ he replied.

‘A rocketship? My, that’s quite the change from last week,’ I said. ‘What happened to building a skyscraper that reaches outer space?’

‘A rocket is so much cooler.’ I laughed. Nobody could argue with an eight-year-old. They were dreamers, imagination running rampant. Over time, they’d lose that childhood innocence and eventually settle on something more realistic for them, though an aerospace engineer wasn’t that far-fetched, nor was an astronaut.

‘Hey Estelle,’ Trina greeted.

‘Heya, Trina,’ I replied. ‘How’s it going?’

‘Yeah, good, good. We’re planning a trip to visit my family in Italy for Christmas, so it’s a little stressful when this one,’ she started to tickle Henry’s side. ‘Can’t sit still.’

His laughter and squeals echoed in the breeze.

‘Mum, stop,’ he squealed.

She stopped immediately, and the two continued laughing. The way they looked at each other was with adoration. A look so powerful between mother and child that it made my chest tighten.

Will I ever have what they have? Will I ever know what it’s like to be a mother?

‘I’m sure that if you keep him busy, he’ll be fast asleep on the plane,’ I said through a fake smile.

‘I’m sure you’re right. All about keeping them entertained.’

‘Give him a window seat, there’ll be lots of water to see.’

She laughed, ‘So true. Well, we'd best be off. Look after yourself, Elle.’

‘Shall do, and you too.’

I turned back to the fence, and I closed my eyes and let out a breath as I bent over. Focusing on the feel of the ground beneath my feet, the timber of the fence against my arms, and the grit of salt in the gentle breeze.

The pain started to subside, but I wasn’t out of the woods yet. It was like the tide; you knew that it would come, but the peak and trough were unpredictable. Like the waves, sometimes it was flat, other times they were quite some metres high. I was surprised that I had managed to last two full days at work, only to now be hit with severe pain.

I just needed to get home, draw a bath and chill with a glass of wine and a book.

‘Estelle?’ I turned to face the voice, only for my legs to give way just as I saw Hunter’s face ‘Whoa, I got you.’

Hunter was walking towards me. He’d change into black basketball shorts and a navy singlet.

Just fucking brilliant. Of course, it had to be him.

My nose was close to Hunter’s neck, where all I was breathing in was the woody scent of his cologne.

‘Thanks, Hunter,’ I said, pulling away from him.

‘Here sit, until you can stand on your own.’ He sat down on the dry, rough grass with me, instantly taking me back to when we were kids. How he’d sit with me until I felt better, or how he’d carry me home if the pain was unbearable.

Except, this time he wasn’t my old friend, or best friend’s older half-brother, he was a doctor who took my wrist in his hand and pressed his middle and index fingers along the pulse point of my radial artery. I knew he was watching the rise and fall of my chest too, making sure my vitals were steady; I knew they weren’t. My heart was pounding rapidly in my chest to the point I could hear it ringing in my ears. Black spots clouded my vision.

‘I — I think I’m … gunna. P-p-pass … Out,’ I tried to say.

‘Here, lean on me. I’ve got you,’ Hunter said.

I don’t have a choice, do I?

I answered my own question as I started to sway, like a puppet on a string. I rested my head on his shoulder, giving him as much of my body weight as I could. His arm wrapped around me for support, and the feeling began to subside.

‘I’m sorry,’ I whispered.

‘Why? It’s not like you planned for this,’ he replied. ‘Still suffering?’

‘Yeah.’

He rubbed my shoulder. ‘I’ve got you.’

We stayed on the ground for a good few minutes in silence, the dulcet sounds of Opal Beach providing comfort. The salty smell of the breeze was overpowered by the strong scent of Hunter’s cologne, the cedar and rosemary most notable. It was familiar and safe, the same one he wore the day I fell off my bike twelve years ago.

The ghost of Christmas past was real, burning its cold embrace where Hunter’s once was, looped under my arms and legs, carrying me home.

Except this was reality. I was twenty-seven in a different kind of pain, and this time I was not getting airlifted to my home, I was on grass, half passed out from the sheer pain, and he’s —

I need to get out of here.

‘Can you help me up, please? I feel much better.’

‘Yeah, of course.’

He got to his feet and held out his hand, helping me up. My legs still didn’t have feeling besides crippling pain and numbness, but I had to get home. In my peripheral vision, I saw Hunter following loosely behind. I pushed through the pain as I hightailed it along the esplanade as fast as I could.

I wanted to say something. I needed to say something. But after the last time I mentioned my pain, I couldn’t.

My first love broke my heart ten years ago without even knowing.