Mine

When you were mine

we shared so many things

hugs, food, drinks, memories

stories and gossip

about ourselves

about other people

inside jokes

secret handshakes

things we could have kept sharing

until we were old and gray

but now you're gone

and the only thing we share is

the fact that we don't have

each other

anymore

When you were mine

you laughed a lot

we said the most ridiculous things

like

Skibidi Toilet will be mine

and

Is that Freddy Fazbear?

meaningless words

but they meant a lot

to us

or at least

I thought they did

anyway

they meant a lot

to me

we would tell jokes

make puns

exchange our worst pick up lines

but now you're gone

and in hindsight

it's easy to notice

when you stopped laughing

and started

slipping

away

from

me

When you were mine

you told me stories

of a girl who was trapped

suffocating in the life

they'd trapped her in

Who's they?

I'd asked

and you spoke of monsters

who hurt her

over and over

again

but they cared for her too

so that she couldn't hate them

not really

you told me that

the hands that raised the girl

were the hands she feared the most

and who but me

could have guessed

that the girl in the stories

was you?

But now you're gone

and the only stories I can tell

end in sadness

When you were mine

you were there for me

on my darkest days

holding me when I cried

you never-

-well, almost never-

-judged me

because you were a great friend

and I tried

so hard

to return the favor

but you wouldn't let me

The pain

you said

is mine

I disagreed

I tried to tell you

to tell me

what was really going on

so that I could share the load

but now you're gone

and you can't feel pain anymore

which is good for you

but not for me

because now I feel the pain

that you can't

When you were mine

you'd have good days

days where we gossiped

and joked

and had fun

and it felt like

you were back

but you also had

bad days

where you were quiet

and pale

and sad

and you couldn't stop yourself

from scratching

you showed me once

and it made me feel

sick inside

because

I hated

that you felt like

scratching

was your only escape

I hated seeing you hurting

but now you're gone

and you can't hurt

anymore

or at least

that's what I think

When you were mine

I was scared

scared for you

but also scared that

you'd leave me

so I tried

to give you something

to be someone

worth living for

but in the end

it didn't matter

because

it wasn't in my hands

The decision

you wrote

was mine

I tried

but now you're gone

and I have to decide

how to move on

When you were mine

I really did try

to help you

I told people-

-not gossip-

-adults I thought could help

and they tried too

counselors

youth leaders

even teachers

but none of them

could erase

the pain inside you

maybe things got a little better

but in the end

they couldn't fix you

they did their best

but now you're gone

and it turns out that sometimes

even someone's best

isn't enough

When you were mine

you tried to protect me

I don't want you to worry

you said

and please don't tell

I told you I didn't worry

well

I told you I wasn't scared

just concerned

because I cared

that was a lie

I was terrified

I cried sometimes

because of how much it hurt

to hear how you hurt

I should have told you

how much you meant to me

I should have told you

that my worry

my fear

was out of love

and a hope that

your tomorrow

would be better than your today

but now you're gone

and you don't get

any more tomorrows

When you were mine

I didn't realize how bad things were

I knew you needed help

but I didn't know how badly

I wish I'd listened more

I wish I'd acted sooner

I wish you'd told me

what was really going on

I wish that

instead of turning to pain

you had turned to me

but maybe I wasn't enough

maybe I wasn't worth it

to you

and that's fine

that's what I have to live with

now

I thought I'd been a good friend

a good person

but now you're gone

and sometimes

I wonder

whether anything I do

is really

good

at all

because maybe

I only told myself

I was a good person

maybe

in the end

I was a reason

you left this world

maybe

it was because of me

that you left me

ironic

isn't it?

When you were mine

I started to lose you

talking felt weird

and awkward

and foreign

we both tried

to go back to how things were

but we couldn't

so "awkward" became our new normal

conversations faded

almost as soon as they started

some topics we avoided

like the plague

I hated it

I think you did too

but neither of us

made enough effort

to make us normal again

and awkward stayed

I should've tried harder

to get you back

to get us back

but now you're gone

and it's too late

to do anything

except look back

at all my

mistakes

and wonder if

I could've stopped you

if I'd really

truly

given everything I had

When I heard the news

I laughed

laughed until I cried

but it wasn't funny

no

I laughed because

the pain

which you tried to keep from me

is now mine

and mine alone

I wish I could say sorry

for not being enough

but now you're gone

and nothing will ever

ever

be enough

to fill this hole inside me

where you used to be

when you were mine