I Never Knew You

This story contains sensitive content about miscarriage.

Good morning, this nurse Jennifer, how may I help you?

Good morning, yeah I’m calling because I noticed some blood on my pantiliner.

Okay, how many weeks are you?

Six weeks.

Okay six weeks. Is the pantiliner completely filled or is it a few drops of blood.

It’s filled.

Okay, are you having cramps?

Yes, I am.

Okay sweetie, I want you to wear a pad and come into the office. We want to check and see what’s going on.

Okay, thank you.

No problem, sweetie. See you soon.

I texted him the day before that I noticed blood and he mentioned that he’s gone through this before and it’s possibly a miscarriage. I told him that through my extensive research that isn’t always the case. Maybe I was feeling entitled that I go through all 9 months of this journey whether the world wanted it or not. I can’t quite remember what was going on in my mind that day. I do remember that it was September 11 and the news constantly spoke about the tragedy that happened here in New York. I blanked out at some point and I remembered sitting in the classroom in the 5th grade. The classroom became empty as students were being called to the main office.

As we entered the doctor's office, it was empty and I was told to wait for my name to be called. I don't remember feeling anything but the cramps hurting more and hoping that this was a normal process. My name was called and I did what felt like a long walk to the room where I was greeted by my smiling gynecologist.

Alright my dear, nurse Jennifer filled me. Sit back, relax and put your legs up. So what you are experiencing is a miscarriage. I'm going to keep some of the tissue and run some tests. I do not want you to blame yourself because this happens more often than not. I will insert the medicine pills to help the rest of the tissue to express. We will set up an appointment to make sure everything is healing normally.

Okay doctor thank you.

Although I was in excruciating pain, I felt sorry for the medical assistant in the room with me. She couldn't look at me and while the doctor inserted the pills she turned around pretending to organize things on the table. I inwardly said sorry to her, hoping that our next interaction would be more pleasant. As I limped out of the office, I couldn't help but focus on the physical pain. It felt as if someone was using their hand to twist my uterus around. The lady at the front desk told me to “have a nice day”. I was mad at myself for even saying thank you, you too, as if she didn't see me limping as much as I was.

“What did the doctor say?”. I told him that she said it was a miscarriage and she sent a prescription to the pharmacy. By the time we reached the car, I began to feel as if someone was clawing away at my stomach. I remember softly yelling at him to hurry up to the house because I need to use the bathroom. Running to the bathroom in the house, I reached the toilet where my water, blood and nutrients left my body. Numbness filled me to the point I could only go straight to bed. I sobbed because of the pain. I sobbed because I was confused.

It was easier to hide from my family because my room was upstairs. I had to come up with a lie that I had to study for an upcoming exam. My cousin bought Gatorade and I remember falling asleep with the light dim for comfort. He texted me that night that he thought he needed time to work on himself. He needed to get a lot of personal things together. Within a week, I was walking normally and the physical pain had lessened.

Going back to work was the saddest joy because I was a teacher, working at the elementary level. Seeing pregnant teachers only reminded me of what I was missing out on or buying baby clothes. I didn’t want anyone to know because why should they? The unforbidden thing to talk about with people is why your body couldn't grow a person and bring them into the world for everyone to meet. Now my faith in God was buried in my throat. I wanted to speak to him but I couldn't spew my words out because I wanted the words to come out perfectly. Confiding in humans was easier, but discussing what I was truly going through with someone that I knew was real, but not physically in my presence was the hardest.

It was to a default that this baby would not last in my body because it was a surprise in the first place. I do not like surprises. So why am I so angry now? My life as I knew, would never be the same and I became okay with that. Within four weeks, I was back to my gynecologist office and this time it was full of people. Some men, some women, some pregnant and some with their children. My name was called and the doctor told me to lay back, relax and put up my legs. My knees shook a little this time and my doctor reminded me to relax. The smell of the room took me back to the last time I was there and became nauseous. The medical assistant came over to me and told me to breathe. I smiled, thanking her and the doctor. On my drive home, I rolled down the window so the wind could touch my face. The wind was loud, and at times strong. I mostly enjoyed that it was always soft enough to caress my face. Miscarriage: a common, natural event, usually beyond a person’s control and typically occurring in the first trimester.