Lucky to be touched

The moment when the ground really ought to have swallowed Milo whole came, and Milo still was above ground, forced to live with the reaction to the words that had exited his mouth. He knew even as he had said them that he was ruining something, but knowing disaster was coming couldn't save him. He wished he could unspool the threads of time until he could go back seconds before, before the revelation had knocked the words loose from his mind, knocked the thought around like a cat batting at a ball of yarn until it fell from his mouth. That metaphor, like the one with the ground meant to swallow him, both, thinking about both were merely ways to avoid thinking about the true task that he ought to be thinking through, the friendship he was ruining as his best friend scoffed, turning away from him.

Milo should have said nothing, stayed silent. Silence could be justified, explained away. He turned, walked away. What else could he do? He didn't want to apologize, despite knowing what a heartless idiot he sounded like. The sentences he had left in the air between them rang through his former friend's head.

"You're lucky someone wanted to touch you, anyway. Lucky bitch." Milo had been jealous. Audra stared at his back as he walked away. She imagined shoving him onto the icy pavement, spitting his words back at him. "You're lucky someone wanted to touch you, anyway. Lucky bitch." Maybe she would change bitch to dick, a more fitting insult for a man. Audra imagined kicking Milo while he was down as she watched him grow smaller in the distance. She began the trek back to her lonely apartment instead. She should have never tried leaving it. She knew that, she had just hoped... what she had hoped didn't matter. Milo had reacted with jealousy, and Audra wasn't sure she could forgive that. What right did he have to be jealous of a crime having been committed against her?

None, Milo had no right to his opinion, and the sheer shame on his face after he had said it made it clear he knew that, but he had still said the words. He had still not bothered comforting Audra when she admitted, revealed, the worst possible occurrence had happened to her. She instead was left alone, bereft of comfort. Maybe Milo was right. Maybe she should have felt lucky, but she didn't. She felt lonely. Milo hadn't felt enough shame to apologize, so how sorry could he have really been, anyway?

Audra didn't just feel lonely, she felt a bizarre combination of loneliness and frustration at the misunderstanding Milo had as well as self-loathing surrounding her decision to have befriended Milo in the first place. Audra knew better, knew maybe trusting this complete idiot with her trauma would end in a disaster, but knowing what might happen didn't make it happening hurt less. No, if anything, the foresight made the experience hurt more because of how obviously preventable all of this pain was. If she hadn't trusted him, she wouldn't feel this terrible. If she hadn't trusted him, no, that was an unfair comparison.

Milo hadn't touched her, hadn't kissed her and shoved himself onto her unconscious body. No, Milo had been an insensitive little boy who didn't understand the trauma Audra had been through, but he hadn't been the cause of it. That had been Jacob, Audra's... Audra didn't have a word to describe what they were to one another any more. She had tried, when telling Milo, to use that word that still felt wrong. That four letter word described the action Milo had called her lucky for having experienced, but using it as an adjective against Jacob, the man she had planned to marry... that was just too terrifying of a change for Audra to make in her perception. She had to, though. Not using the four letter word might have been why Milo didn’t see the seriousness of what Audra had said happened.

Audra didn't know what she was going to do. She didn't know if she should risk telling her other best friend after telling Milo had gone so poorly, but Lily was in the best position to understand Audra, if anyone ever would. If Audra wasn't overreacting, and actually deserved understanding rather than insults, Lily would be the type to tell the truth either way. She wouldn't sugarcoat shit. Milo wouldn't either, but his brutal honesty had an emphasis on brutal rather than honest, whereas Lily balanced the two.

Audra texted, not wanting to risk another in person betrayal after Milo's reaction earlier. She started simply: I think I'm going to break up with Jacob. He did something that really scared me, please don't try and change my mind about this. Milo already told me off so if you're going to take Jacob's side you're not going to learn what happened

wtf I'd never. What happened? Lily's reply was immediate and comforting, like Audra had expected Milo's response to be. If Audra had been honest, she had been hoping Milo would hug her, but now she at least had virtual comfort.

Jacob was Audra paused, unsure how to word what happened. The way she had worded it to Milo hadn't helped his reaction, Audra thought, unable to remember exactly how she had worded it but able to remember it hadn't been able to communicate the fear, the sheer terror, the traumatized nature of how she ended up afterwards, as Milo would have never been so casually cruel had Audra communicated correctly. Unless he had never been the man Audra believed he had been, just as Jacob... Audra sent the half formed text, forcing her to figure how to continue it. Interested in a kink I'm not, somnophilia, have you heard of it?

Lily replied she had, and that she found said kink to be gross, disrespectful, and Audra sighed with relief. If Lily understood in a way Milo hadn't, this part would be easier to communicate. Nothing about this would ever be easy, but it would be easier. I woke up to Jacob inside me the other day. I made it clear I had no interest in that kind of kink, but he raped me.

And Milo took Jacob's side?! Did you explain wtf happened?

Not in the same way I just explained to you, no. I told him in person, and Milo said "You're lucky someone wanted to touch you, anyway. Lucky bitch." So I left. I had said I had been asleep, Jacob had - I think I had made it clear to Milo I had been asleep but he seemed to think dating meant Jacob could do what he wanted with me I guess idk.

Milo was back at his dorm room, alone, wondering what it would feel like to be Audra, to wake up to someone he was meant to love doing something meant to symbolize said love, how it could possibly be unwanted... Milo couldn't comprehend someone not wanting what he wanted so desperately it sometimes scared him: to be touched. To be loved. The two were connected, right? Why was Audra so upset? She had to be overreacting, Milo justified to himself, guilt failing to fade in spite of distractions running on the iPad in front of him.

Eventually Milo jerked off to some pornography that had probably helped prompt the crime Audra had experienced, Milo knowing but not caring enough to stop doing what he knew was wrong. If it was really wrong, it wouldn’t be so easily accessible, after all. Milo would maybe apologize when he woke up, he thought to himself half heartedly.