You Need Not A Name, Dove.

You need me not to say who you are,

Lover who has no names.

I knew you loved me but

once before, you told me that I was clingy

and in need of something you couldn’t give.

When all I wanted was a person who knew me.

You called me too emotional,

but that wasn’t fair.

That’s all I had.

All I had were the things I could feel,

so fuck me for

“being too emotional”

You said you were done,

that you couldn’t do it anymore.

You said that you bet I would fall

because I wouldn’t make it without you.

So, I tried really hard to

prove you wrong.

I swore to you that I wouldn’t collapse

that you could leave me for a small while

and I would be fine.

I swore that I wouldn’t falter

because I knew that I was strong

I needed you to know I was strong

but I guess, in trying too hard,

I failed.

But there you were,

You stood strong,

never breaking,

ever watching

The way I always seemed to fail.

I never understood

why I always seemed to falter

while you always seemed to succeed.

I used to think that you were just better

But no.

Because we were so similar

we were practically the same.

The difference was

that you tried to get better

while I just wished it

would happen faster.

I didn’t try.

But you did.

So congratulations on that,

my friend.

You actually did something,

while all I did was dream.

Dreaming,

meaning imagining

my life would just

“get better”

without putting in the damn work.

I guess you could say I was lazy,

and I’d say that it’s sorta true

but my truth was lying right in front of you.

I was hurt and in need of something I couldn’t name,

but no matter how much I tried to

give you the slip to let you know,

you always seemed to miss it.

So,

with that now said,

I’d like to let you know

that even though I collapsed on my own,

it’s your fault I was even hurt.

We were so close when we were younger.

I remember seeming

drawn to you like a moth to a flame.

You seemed stable,

loving, and warm.

You made even the coldest part of me

feel no longer numb.

You always seemed to be strong,

no matter what was happening around you.

Meanwhile, I fell to my knees

and wept every time something

spiraled too much out of my control.

I was strong too,

in my own way, but

you needed to be the strong one

because that’s all you knew.

But damn if you weren’t caring and calm.

And by the gods,

you were so sickly sweet.

Summer mornings,

when we would sleep endlessly

all day and stay up all night.

Winter mornings,

when you would greet me with

hot cocoa and warm muffins

and endless, endless kisses.

Breakfast in bed,

wonderfully magical days,

and song-worthy starry nights.

You always made sure

that everything was fine,

that everything was perfect,

that we would be forever.

Always, dove.

So you hid the cracks,

you hid the flaws,

you hid the parts that weren’t smoothed marble.

You hid it all because

you thought you were strong.

You wanted so bad to be strong

while I wanted so badly to be loved.

You wanted us to be simply seamless.

I wanted us to be honestly human.

And so,

when I found the first of the fractures

you lied and said that the fissures were only

smudges of an old stain that was gone now.

Sure, the smudges would linger,

You said,

But the stain would be haunting forever.

And I…

believed you.

I believed you, dove,

because I wanted nothing more

then your love.

You offered love,

but all it was

were badly contained lies.

And I took the lies

as love because

I thought that’s what it was.

Gods, was I wrong.

I guess

it almost seems laughable now.

How stupid and naive I must’ve been

to have believed the million fibs you spun.

You sung me lies

which were disguised as lyrics

and you sang them to carve my heart.

Well.

Congratulations.

I suppose you won.

You carved my heart

with butcher’s expertise

and smiled when you handed it back to me.

I’m guessing

you laughed when I told you,

swore to you

that I wouldn't have collapsed,

swore to you

that I wouldn’t have faltered.

I’m betting

you laughed

and sang

and danced

over the fact that you were right.

That I would’ve collapsed,

that I would’ve faltered.

I’m pretty sure that

you fist-pumped and

jumped for joy

when I finally left your flat.

I only wish it was that simple, dove,

but it’s not.

I wish I could say that

you just wanted me gone

so this story could have a neat ending.

But endings are rarely neat

and rarely simple.

Instead, I must give you the truth.

I loved you.

I wanted us to be honestly human

and last longer than the toughest marble,

even with fissures and fractures.

You loved me,

I suppose,

in your own way.

But I think you liked being strong more,

so when I started asking

questions about the

fissures and fractures,

it made you feel like

you couldn’t hold it together.

Like you couldn’t make it all seamless.

Like you weren’t

strong enough.

I suppose that

I should apologize

for making you feel less than strong,

for making you feel less than indestructible,

for making you feel.

But I am not going to.

You do not deserve my apologies anymore, dove.

You do not deserve the breath that I have

in my body.

You do not deserve me and all my emotions,

because you said I had too many.

You said that I wasn’t strong,

that I wasn’t great,

that I was too emotional,

that I was too clingy.

And I hope you regret all of that.

But I also hope you still love me.

Even after you see this.

I hope you will call me on the weekends,

I hope you will look for me in crowds

I hope you will never find another.

Because I’m worried that

they will make you feel.

And you will hurt them

like how you hurt me.

And I wouldn’t wish that upon a soul.

So.

Part of me wishes

that you will

regret ever saying

that I was

weak,

breakable,

emotional,

and

clingy.

Just so you

can see that I am

strong,

indestructible,

emotional,

and

secure.

So you start to miss me.

And then,

in your storm of sorrow,

you regret everything

and beg for me back.

And I will say

that I will never come back to you,

that I will never love you again,

that I will never forgive you for hurting me.

But I will come back

I will love you

I will forgive you.

So now

I’m waiting for you

I’m waiting

just to complete

our messy ending.

You need me not to say who you are,

Lover who has no names.