Daddy Issues

Daddy Issues

I remember

Back then, when maroon leaves covered the ground

Back then, when I had to climb on counters to reach the higher shelves

Back then, I wished for my dad to die

Even though I love him

All it takes is

One slip

One empty can

One pillow soaked in blood

And all of a sudden

All those moments we shared

The ice cream melting on my tongue

Those walks at night talking about the future

Lose their meaning

***

A girl creeps down the stairs as the rhythmic bass echoes throughout the house. The carpet helps render her steps nearly silent, not that she needs it. It’s not noise she’s worried about.

“Hey honey, what’re you doing?” Her dad’s voice rings out over the noise, his words slurring together.

“I’m just getting some water.” She says, fingers crossed. But he’s already turning away, already closing his eyes again. The girl's throat is dry, but not from lack of water. Her hand doesn’t grab a glass from beside the sink. It reaches into the recycling, moving aside papers and cardboard until she feels the cold sting of aluminum. Still dripping that bitter liquid he loves more than her.

A new song starts, Beyoncé is wailing her loss into the night. The girl cringes away from the noise and her eyes start to water. He doesn’t notice.

***

Alone in her room

Until

"Please let me be the one to tell Mommy"

He says

She nods

She will be kind

She will have the mercy

He’d kill to give

***

Another thing I remember.

The bus ride to and from school, listening to the radio.

Remember that winter when Bad Habits by Ed Sheeran was really popular?

Yeah, so do I.

“My bad habits lead to late nights endin' alone

Conversations with a stranger I barely know

Swearin' this will be the last, but it probably won't

I got nothin' left to lose, or use, or do”

I don’t listen to Ed Sheeran anymore.

***

It’s tomorrow and she wonders if her Mommy knows yet.

As the girl gets into the car, she doesn’t meet his eyes. He still needs to earn that. He will, years from now, but not yet. They pull up at the movie theater, making their way inside. Looking at the popcorn he gets them, she wants to scream.

They sit down.

The movie starts.

Her dad stands up.

He comes back with a glass already half empty. The sharp smell of liquor on his breath is a dead giveaway. Her sister doesn’t see, but she does. She does. She sees how his eyes meet the bottom of a now empty glass again. She sees how he glances to the exit but doesn’t get up. She sees him take a sip, even though there’s nothing left. She sees everything.

The girl closes her eyes.

On the drive home, the trees speed by, faster than they should. A thought enters her head and she shies away from it.

He’s old, at least he’ll be dead soon. Maybe then I could breathe again. Maybe then I’d be able to look him in the eye, even if there’s no longer anything behind them. Maybe…

***

And then her dad…

Is reading Gangsters Guide to Sobriety at night.

Is leaving during dinner to attend AA meetings.

Is collecting 12 step coins like Pokémon cards.

And the years pass. He doesn’t miss dinner anymore because he’s “cured”. She starts to forget why she didn’t trust him. It’s finally over. She loves him for it.

I loved him for it.

***

Hey, can we text for a minute, I'm lowkey having a panic attack.

Oh hey sorry I didn't see your text sooner. What's up?

Do you know how my Dad used to have drinking problems?

Oh shoot yeah.

So basically, as far as I know, he's been sober for years. But my mom just left a few hours ago and he went to hug me goodnight and he smelled like alcohol and I’m probably overthinking it but this has happened before when he wasn't sober and what if he's been hiding from us and yeah.

What happened when he wasn't sober?

Basically, when I was 10 my mom was out of town for a church thing and my sister and I had gone to bed. Daddy was downstairs listening to music. I went down to get water. I saw empty cans of beer beside him and I checked the recycling and there were like 15 more. When I talked to him about it, he admitted to drinking and asked me to let him tell Mommy himself.

So let's say he did start drinking again, it would be like that and quickly you'd see a bunch of bottles again right?

He might be hiding it better though.

But as long as he's being safe with you guys.

It's less scary for me. I know he never would hurt us.

I'm scared of him getting hurt.

Like tripping and falling or getting a DUI.

***

The same girl.

Older now, and she’s able to reach the highest shelves. She’s the one who jokes about drinking tequila at a party. Maybe it’s genetic. It's this girl who is pulling down her sleeves to hide the cuts under them. Her grandma is coming to visit and she figured out why before her mom called from Redmond. The girl grabs her bag and leaves for the bus. This is normal. This is good.

The girl arrives home from school and is greeted by…

1 over excited dog

1 oblivious sister

2 bickering cats

1 Grandma, fresh from seattle

and no Daddy. He’s gone. Grandma says he is on a bike ride. The girl says nothing, even though she knows they are lying. Mercy is still a virtue she possesses.

***

I remember everything.

Here’s where I say that I know my dad will never drink again. That he’s learned his lesson. That’s the happy ending you deserve. But that’s not the true ending, and it’d be a shame to start lying to you now.

***

They found him

Finally

Face down in a ditch

By the road

Bike twisted beyond repair

Want to guess why?

Her family hadn’t needed her mercy after all

And he hadn’t needed her trust

Now his face is in pieces

And the Saint Charles Hospital has one less bed

The girl calls her friend

Ring

Ring

Ring

“I told you so.”