Doors of Death

Trigger Warning: This story contains depictions of death, mental health struggles, violence and self-harm.

Doors of Death

Faith is to believe what you do not see; the reward of this faith is to see what you believe. - “Saint Augustine”.

A naked white canvas, the world seems to not exist anymore. The distant echoes have finally been silenced and the spiralling frequency, bouncing in my ears has softened and created a simple and noiseless - flat line. My unfortunate death was caused by the car that drunkenly crashed into us; destroying my body and my life. I wonder if it was just a nightmare, or if I have truly died. I closed my eyes and envisioned what a blissful afterlife could be like. A place that only my imagination could develop and create. Perhaps a blooming meadowed land. Mystical, yet oddly familiar. Like a childhood smell or memory. A heaven on earth, surrounded by soft, emerald grass that spreads through thousands of acres of untouched land. The roots of the grass are anchored to the soil, connecting to the soles of my feet. The beauty of nature and life draws a simple smile on my face. Yet for some reason, I feel like I do not belong here.

I ask myself; “Is this my escape from the harsh reality of living life?”.

I take comfort on a lonely rock that sits by a stream of freshwater, a stream that delicately glides downhill. A sudden shimmer in the water, glistening like diamonds in the light. A school of small silver fish, simply swimming through life. A deep whoosh travels through the valley. The stream’s voice roared as it tumbled down the rocks and off the edge, disappearing into the unknown. Curiously, I walk towards the edge of the high valley as carefully as I can be. I must be deceived by nature itself. I search for words as I stutter in silence. Like a canvas that is now splattered by a bucket of fire. The underworld, the moon beneath the sun. Beautiful and at the same time, terrifying the essence of my very own soul. I am standing on the edge like a goddess with power, creator of my own worlds. The veil between life and death. A choice I yearn to explore. I lay my body on the grass beneath me, lost in the sight of an empty sky. The grass is wet and cold. The strands of grass pierce through my body like rapid shocks of sharp waves. I am sinking into oblivion. A hollow void is filling me with nothing but air. I am nothing.

Nothing. Nothing in sight but a trickle of trembling water droplets; hanging on sharp stalactites. Dripping down; drip, drop, drip. Each drip echoes softly like a patient heartbeat in a deep karst cave. A rancid smell of foul death haunts the pitch-black void. It is dark and I am scared. My skin feels damp and pruned as I lay in a puddle of wet wood.

I wonder; "Am I on a boat?”

I inhale a heavy flush of fear. This is my casket. I am not ready to die. I struggle to scream. I scream and scream. Despite this, my voice is not heard. The boat drifts towards an inviting light, its slow, cautious sway rippling through the dark water. As the light spreads, it exposes a coal-black river. A river so repulsive that a poisonous steam arises from the thickness of the water. Suddenly, the boat drifted abruptly to the shore, halted by a dry, rocky land beneath it. A protected flame veiled in a closed metal lantern, awaits to guide me. Carefully I stepped out onto a path full of sharp debris scattered all over the rugged terrain. My body aches as I regain my balance. I gasped in insufferable pain whilst the sharp edges of the stones pressed deeply into my bare feet. The land was infested with tall stalagmites and several thousands of carrion flowers scattered inside the cave’s chambers. A cold breeze travels through my body as I enter the chamber. The flame reveals a two-way tunnel system, separated by a sharp stalagmite in between. I could not shake off the feeling of death slowly creeping up on me, watching me.

I called into the tunnel; “Hello! Who's there?”

My voice bounced off the walls, returning as a jagged, screeching echo. The tear drop flame flickered wildly, casting shadows in every direction. The creature-like cries grew louder and terrifyingly closer. A strange, distanced- white, holy light emerged from the tunnel on my right and out of the darkness. Gradually, becoming brighter. I held the lantern ahead of me. The distant light grows brighter as if there was something running towards me. Like a 4-legged animal screeching in pain from hunger. I secretly tell myself that I am delusional to receive such an impulsive thought. Perhaps this creature will capture my essence and save me from this nightmare. The unbearable screeching entered through my soul, bleeding my ears out from its loud and hostile growls.

I only have two choices. Give in or run away.

“I should run away”.

Before I could move my feet, the screeching stopped. A mysterious figure, dark as a shadow, slowly crept out of the tunnel. Like a black widow spider crawling out of its hidden, black hole. Ready to attack its next victim. The shadow was darker than death itself. A faceless figure; shaped like a soulless man. An ancient entity. I was left traumatised by the horrifying, shadowed man. It wailed its demonic voice at me like a predator hunting its prey. My screams were silenced by my fear. Before its eyes shone into mine, I entered the tunnel on the left, hoping to escape the weightless beast.

Running through the tunnel, a trail of blood follows my feet. Finally, I stop to catch my breathe. A massive wall formed by layers of unbreakable, extrusive rock decorated the ending of this passage. I am trapped, defeated and lost.

"I am deprived of any faith I have left to be saved."

A distant ticking noise echoes in my mind like a clock. A static, broken clock, beating like a shamanic drum. Louder and louder! ticking in my ears; tick, tick, tick! The ticking is leeched inside my head like a gruesome parasite.

I cried out; “Get out of my head!”

And dropped vulnerably onto the ground. Slamming my hands on to my ears to cover the noise. Unknowingly, I let go of the lantern as it dropped onto the floor. Smashing it into pieces and extinguishing my remaining source of light. Trapped by the darkness, I am helpless. The shadowed figure has now found me. A chilling breeze of wind brushes against my skin, a lifeless, cold breath seducing the back of my neck. Its eyes glowed white, radiating a beautiful, almost heavenly light. In that moment, I saw how beautiful death could be, how beautiful the light was. With all my hope restored, I gazed into the creature’s eyes until my vision blurred into darkness. A darkness with no walls and no floors. In a floating void, two enormous doors emerged; twisting and morphing into impossible paths. The two doors glared at me, awaiting my final decision of judgement.

Flashed back into existence, I awaken from my journey. Blinded, by the white light being shone into my eyes. A ticking clock hangs off my partners wrist as we lay on the cold, wet grass. Distant voices shouting in panic, flashes of blue lights dazing my vision, as the thumps of my heart grew louder. Her face blurs as she lays almost dead on the ground. With tears in my eyes, and a smile painted on my face, I crawled towards her leaving a trail of blood behind. Her body was as cold as a morgue. I reached out to my injured stomach and pulled out a large piece of a broken glass. I pierced the glass shard, deeply into her throat.

I weakly whispered into her ear; “To live is to suffer and to die is to dream”.

As i pierced the glass shard into my own throat and watched how our souls slowly departed from our bodies. I opened death’s door to a new beginning. To our beginning.