Eye of the Beholder

CW: Mental health, suicide or self harm

“I need you to really try here, Tess. Having a change of environment is going to be good for you. It’s what the doctor suggested.”

Tessa felt the back of her throat prickle and her lips trembled with restraint. She forced a cough. “I know, Dad. I will.”

He opened his mouth to say more but faltered and settled for a quick pat to his daughter’s back. He talked in low voices with her aunt and uncle before heading back to their car and driving away with her mother. Tessa waited, but her mother never waved goodbye. She pushed down the prickly feeling.

Introductions to her uncle’s family were filled with awkward silence cut in with one worded answers to aunt’s plethora of questions and occasional snide remarks by one or, usually, both of her twin cousins, Toni and Tallie. Tessa learned to guard herself even before high school, but second year taught her to build thicker walls. She only needed one look to know her cousins saw her as prey. They were the worst kind of evil, pretty and favored. Girls like them got away with anything, but when someone like Tessa behaved the same, they got diagnosed with anger issues, mood disorders, and mania.

“So, what’d you do to get expelled?” Toni sprang the question on Tessa as soon as they were alone in the spare bedroom.

“Oh my god!” Tallie laughed and covered her mouth. “I can’t believe you just asked her like that”.

Tessa gritted her teeth. “Why does it matter?” Her voice was low and small.

Toni shrugged, exasperated like Tessa said something stupid. “Uh, I wanna know?”

Tallie smacked her sister on the shoulder and whined. “Toni, you’re gonna make her cry! And we’ll both get in trouble”.

“Can I just be alone right now?”

Toni rolled her eyes but turned to walk away. “Whatever, it was probably super lame anyway”.

Tallie giggled, following her sister. “Probably, she looks so dorky”.

Tessa closed the door to the small attic room behind them, turning the lock. She climbed on top of the bed to look out the tiny window. The long gravel driveway stretched down the expansive front lawn, leading to the only escape down the asphalt road. Dense woods circled the rest of the property creating a bowl effect. Tessa thought this is probably how goldfish feel trapped in their glass bowls. The stiff springs creaked as she sank down onto the mismatched pillows. The anger had worn off and the still silence amplified the sadness she felt deep down. Alone, her defenses weakened, and her chest heaved. She wrapped her arms around a floral throw pillow, pressing her face into it. The coarse fabric did little to comfort her.

Within a few days Tessa managed to settle herself into the background of her host’s lives. She was good at being unnoticed and three days of selective mutism deterred her aunt and uncle from attempting conversation. The twins soon got bored of hardly eliciting reactions from her and largely ignored her, except for the occasional snooty comment. She had to help the twins do their chores for “structure”, which meant she had to do most of the work while they talked or played on their phones. The goat, Winston, was the only good. She didn’t mind feeding him and he’d often accompany her while she fed the chickens and gathered eggs.

Today, she came up empty-handed but didn’t mind as she secretly enjoyed the routine task. Tessa wove her way through the enclosure futilely trying to avoid the fresh chicken excrement. Winston strutted after her, undisturbed by where his feet might land.

“Make sure you lock the gate. If the chickens get out, Dad’s dogs will eat them, and Mom will be pissed”.

Tessa turned to see Tallie standing with her arms crossed. Next to her was a pair of black rubber boots, dried mud hanging on in patches around the soles. She kept her voice even and monotone. “I know”.

They stared at each other in silence for a beat before Tallie realized she wasn’t going to say anything else. “The dogs made a huge mess behind the mudroom that needs to be cleaned up. It’s super muddy ‘cause of the rain this morning so,” she gestured towards the rubber boots. “you’ll need those”. She began to walk away but stopped. “Oh, I almost forgot. There’s a shovel in the old shed near there, if you want one.” She smiled to herself like she just remembered something amusing. “I’d recommend it”.

Tessa kept a cool face but internally scoffed. No doubt it would be gross, but it was pointless to make a scene. Her aunt would make her do it anyway. Besides, the twins were overdramatic. They’d cry about just walking through mud, let alone having to clean something out of it. She pushed down the flare of annoyance and switched shoes. The boots were too big and awkwardly clomped as she made her way to the mudroom. She passed up the dogs, who were now chained up by their doghouses as punishment for the mess. They made big, sad puppy dog eyes at her and she couldn’t resist stopping for a pet.

By the time Tessa made it to the mudroom, Winston had wandered off to find something more interesting. The room looked like an awkward add-on extending from the main house like a stubby arm. She followed the perimeter to the back of the thin structure and found that the land sloped downwards. The slope spread out diagonally from the corner, continuing away from the house and into the woods. An old shed stood towards the base of the slope and right at the tree line, half covered with overgrowth. It looked like it hadn’t been opened in years, and Tessa rolled her eyes, knowing this was the shed Tallie told her about.

The mud started half-way down, where the slope began to level out, allowing rain to congregate. The grass was sparse, leaving the earth to soak into sludge and Tessa’s first step slid a heart-stopping three inches before she caught herself. Looking down, she noticed tuffs of dirty, gray fur scattered about, nearly camouflaged in the mud. The ground was filled with gashes and scrapes telling the story of a frenzied struggle. It wasn’t long before she found the center of the destruction. As she got close, the earthy smell of mud was mixed with the foul smell of decaying flesh simmering in rain and blood. Her sensory features recoiled, and she pulled her shirt up over her nose before taking a closer look. Some unlucky woodland creature, likely a rabbit, must’ve crossed paths with the dogs. It fought back but ultimately was torn apart by the bigger, better equipped predators. So was the way of the world.

Tessa knew better than to hope for a shovel conveniently placed on the outside of the shed and after confirming, made her way to the decrepit, molded and splitting wood panel pretending to be a door. It was slightly ajar unable to fit in its frame any longer. Remnants of a cement foundation offered more solid footing around the shed, and she slipped her fingers in to grip the edge of the door and gave it a pull. The softened wood bent more than it moved, so she used both hands spaced out to yank it open. It croaked and stuttered as the bottom scraped the ground, eventually getting stuck in the overgrown muck that made its way through the cracked cement.

The door sagged halfway open, defeated by time. The girl stood against the dark cavernous maw of the shed feeling like an ancestor discovering a cave for the first time. It could hold anything within. She felt hesitation and excitement as she let her eyes adjust. The one-room shed wasn’t very big and was mostly empty. Miscellaneous tools and broken equipment surrounded the workbench against the left wall. One the right was a huge pegboard containing mostly empty hooks and racks. There was one old, rusty shovel hanging with a similar rake and an extra wooden handle. How boring, she thought. The abandoned shed had been mysterious from the outside but disappointing on the inside.

With her mood thoroughly dulled, Tessa lifted the shovel from the wall and with the slightest shift, a piece of the brittle handle splintered off into her palm. She hissed at the sting and dropped the shovel, wincing as the cement and metal loudly clanged against each other. Irritation flared up with the pain. The twins should’ve been the ones doing this. They were the ones told to do it, and they couldn’t even be bothered to help. She was left alone, like always, to handle everything herself, like always. Always alone. Always bearing the brunt of any failed responsibility. Whether it was this with her cousins, or with her so-called friends, or classmates, or anyone standing in her vicinity. Tessa was always to blame, even when she didn’t do anything; even when there’s no evidence that proves she’s at fault. People use her as a scapegoat because she’s nice and she’s quiet and she’s unassuming. “An easy target” as her best friend said before laughing in her face.

Tessa’s face flushed and her eyes burned at the memory. It’s just like that. It’s the same wherever I go, with whomever I meet. I can’t escape it. I must be cursed. Why does everyone hate me? These thoughts spun around her mind relentlessly. She was trapped in an invisible net cast over her by society. If she remained passive, people turned their noses up and looked down on her. It meant she was weak and pathetic and deserved to be pushed around. But if she fought back? If she stood up for herself and exhibited strength? Immediate punishment was hammered down on her, no questions asked. No adult, no authority figure was ever on her side. No matter what they said, they were always, always the same.

Short, shaking breaths pushed out of her lungs as she gripped her right wrist tighter and tighter, unable to look away from the cruel splinter that impaled her fragile skin. Hot tears spilled over her eyelashes and down her cheeks. It’s unfair, it’s unfair, it’s unfair. She shouldn’t be doing the twins’ job, she shouldn’t be doing chores on summer break, she shouldn’t even be here on this make-shift farm in the middle of nowhere. She shouldn’t have been blamed. Not by her parents, not by her school, and especially not by her friends. Deep sobs broke through her throat, and she sank down to her knees. Tessa curled into herself, wrapping her arms to cover her face as she squeezed her eyes shut and wailed in anger.

All the emotions she had been pushing down erupted out and she was unable to control it. She could feel tiny blood vessels popping from the pressure and swelling her eyes, but she no longer had restraint. The sheer intensity of her sorrow, anger, and frustration overpowered any semblance of pride or shame or empathy. Every memory she was trying to forget played itself on loop, plunging her body back into each experience over and over. Adrenaline began spilling into the loop, diluting her sorrow. Her mind displayed Toni and Tallie’s mocking smiles with their perfect teeth and perfect blonde hair. Girls like that have it so easy. They don’t know how I feel. Firey spite evaporated her tears and numbed her pain until she was standing, splinter forgotten, brandishing the rusty shovel. She stalked out of the shed with a singular goal in mind. They thought she was weak and pathetic? An easy target? I’ll show them how it feels to be me!

Tessa felt like she was watching herself from gathering thunderclouds. Her body felt disconnected as she watched herself stomp through the mud to mangled rabbit. Her arms used the shovel to scrape the surrounding viscera back to the corpse and then scooped the muddy, gory pile onto the shovel. She made her way to the back porch not bothering to knock the mud from her boots. Each muddy step was placed with malice, printing a path through the back French doors, up the cream carpeted stairs, right into Tallie’s perfect, Pinterest-esque bedroom. She watched as her body flung the sludge of death and mud at Tallie’s bed. The body hit the peach comforter and tumbled to rest among her fluffy decorative pillows. The more liquid parts arched from the shovel and splattered onto the walls, ceiling, pink ruffle curtains, white faux fur lounge chair and matching rug, and a sparkly ivory dress hanging on the closet door.

Gasps of breath slowed into even inhales and slowly, Tessa settled into her body again. She stood frozen to the spot looking at what she had done. The satisfaction of vengeance wavered when her eyes landed on the ivory dress. It looked almost like a wedding dress, probably as expensive as one too. Suddenly, she remembered a passing conversation at the dinner table the other night. Something about a dress needing alterations before some kind of contest. Tessa thought hard, panic starting to bubble in the pit of her stomach. Her resolve was slipping, and the reality of her actions was starting to set in. The consequences would be severe. She considered running and hiding, maybe the only thing possible to avoid the fallout, but as she turned around, she came face to face with Tallie.

Tallie looked up from her phone, eyes meeting Tessa’s, then to the shovel and muddy boots. Shock, disgust, and anger flowed into her face just from seeing the muddy tracks. She was about to snap at Tessa when her eyes flickered to the scene behind. Strangled sound dropped from her lips as she went silent with horror and pushed past the guilty party. Tallie found her voice a second later and let out an ear-splitting scream. This sent Tessa’s legs into motion, and she sprinted to the back staircase, stopping short as she saw the top of her aunt’s honey-colored messy bun. She scrambled backwards and ran to the front stairs at the other end of the hallway, stumbling in the oversized boots. She bounded down the stairs only to be intercepted by Toni, who was rushing up.

“What the fu-” She stopped, momentarily confused by the sight of Tessa. She pieced clues together a second too late as she reached to grab the shovel. Tessa made contact first, pushing the shovel into Toni and abandoning it in the process.

The unexpected force made the lone twin stumble backwards. The shovel fell, tangling her feet and she tripped. Tessa didn’t stick around to see Toni’s outcome, instead charging out the front door. She could hear nothing but the thundering of her heart and her panicked breaths. A strong wind pushed her forward and she followed it. She kicked off the boots and ran up the long driveway pushing off the hard gravel in muddy socks. Another crack of thunder rolled across the sky. Winds wrapped her in humid air making her clothes and hair stick to her skin. None of it mattered. Her senses had shorted out and she existed only in a simple molecular state.

Soon her feet were slapping against hot asphalt and her run slowed down to a trot. The road was flanked by thick woods as far as she could see in either direction. Tessa didn’t know where she was going or if she was going anywhere at all. None of it seemed to matter. She stopped, catching her breath for a moment. In that moment, she felt as though she was transported somewhere else, somewhere away. The road was empty and still. Thunder rumbled nearer and nearer while the wind whistled through the branches and leaves. The air was charged with electricity, ready to ignite. In that moment, she faded into the wind, assimilating with the ground, trees, and sky. She felt nothing. She felt bliss.

Tessa clung to the feeling as the sirens grew louder, and the flashing red and blue lights invaded the beautiful scenery. She stepped into the middle of road as one last act of defiance and opened her palms to sky to catch the first drizzles of rain. She barely registered the honk when the cop car caught sight of her or the squeal of breaks when they realized she wasn’t going to move.

A middle-aged woman stepped out of the car. “Hey! You need to get out of the road!”

Tessa looked at her briefly and thought, Here we go again, before turning her face up to the sky, getting the tiniest glimpse of the sudden oncoming downpour as she closed her eyes. The rain beat down heavy like a crashing wave, drenching Tessa in seconds. She basked in it, imagining she was melting into each drop. She longed to leave her mind there to be whisked away with the rain. Her heart sank when she felt the cop’s hands grab her, realizing she was still stuck in her body.