One Step Back

The last night I was with them; I chose to exist. Not to celebrate or to grieve, but to live as we always had in the final moments we had left. We didn’t do anything out of the norm; we sat, we ate, we spoke about the future, the past, the memories we had and the ones we would make. A normal day.

My body ached with the need to sleep, to prepare for the journey I alone was about to take and yet my mind fought it with everything I had. I wasn’t ready – no one ever truly is- but I couldn’t stop what already was in motion. No one can stop the next stages as the creep up and devour your past self.

One by one they left. First the ones who had a journey of their own to make, then the ones closest to me - fading from my eyes but never my mind - until I alone was left.

For a while, I just sat there. Not moving, hardly breathing yet feeling everything all at once. When I finally was able to move, I led myself around the rooms of my life, disconnected in a way that didn’t feel real but present in a way I never had before.

I knew in my heart that I would miss it. Miss the way the doors were never shut fully, miss the random scratch underneath the light switch and the single creaking stair. But most of all I would miss the life they gave me. The love that echoed from every touch, every argument and every tear. The same love that I saw in every corner, each photo and that I saw every day of my life.

The journey itself was a blur, and not one that I will ever remember. The feelings that flooded me throughout it however, those will forever be etched into my bones. Fear. Joy. Grief. All feelings that, to some degree, had been a part of my life before combining into a wave unable to be contained in my body.

It started slow, one tear followed by another and another, until finally my eyes ran as if they were rivers. This pain came from deep within me, physically pulling my heart further and further into my chest as my time started to run out. My throat got tighter, burning as words got stuck before they could be uttered, slowly choking the air from my lungs.

Before me stood people so entwined with my soul we could never be pulled apart. People whose spirits reflected my own. It was the three of us, as it always had been, but I had minutes, seconds left until it was just me. Three down to one.

Figures who had always been so untouchable suddenly became mirrors to my own heart. I looked in their eyes, and I saw everything I had been consumed by just seconds before. Sadness. Excitement. Grief. Emotions that are the same yet entirely different.

I was leaving them behind, for the first time in my life I would be alone. But so would they. Three down to two. Two down to one. The lives we had lived now strewn across time and expected to continue on their own.

It’s a strange feeling, to grieve something that is stood in front of you. A feeling that consumes every part of your body and leaves you alone with nothing. I saw my body move, feeling as if I were watching from above rather than from my own eyes. She moved at the same time, gravity pulling us together for the last time, bodies colliding with enough force to bruise.

Her arms around my shoulders pulled tight enough to push out the air I thought would be trapped forever. One solid breath out. Deep inhale in. The perfume I helped her pick out filling my nose with a rush of air, closely followed by the smell of her shampoo. Both smells I knew well and smells I wish I had more time to treasure.

My head naturally fell into the curve of her neck; hair curled around my face softly tickling the skin, but nothing could have pulled me away. Every day of our lives had been spent together, forever a pair from the day we came into the world screaming at each other yet unable to be apart. I didn’t know how to be a person without her.

Stepping back was the hardest thing I had ever had to do. Legs moving where arms still gripped tight to fabric. As much as I craved to keep them here, hide them away and keep them close, my time had run out. I had left, and whilst they followed for as long as they could, they couldn’t stay.

One step back.

I felt the tightness in my chest begin again.

One step back.

Tears flowed down my cheeks with no hope of stopping.

One step back.

My arms wrapped around my waist. A poor imitation of my warmth I had just left.

One step back.

The door shut behind them.

A new feeling joined the many swirling around my body. A feeling I had only brushed against before. The feeling of being alone. I slowly lowered myself to the unfamiliar floor beneath me, carpet scratching against my palms.

This wouldn’t be the last time I would feel this way, nor would it be the last time I ever saw them. But, for just a moment, I let everything consume me. Tears dripping onto the floor causing dark marks in the carpet, breath coming out in short pants with harsh inhales, loneliness flooding every inch of my body.

Then the moment passed.

Breathing became calmer, deeper and pulling tears into my mouth with each one. The salt on my tongue breaking through the flood. I stood, wiping my face as I took in everything around me.

I might be alone for the first time, but I will make them proud of the person I grow to become.