A mirror through time

"I regret not having lived in this life. And as I now stand on the cusp of departure, I realize how fleeting it has been. Though I was granted many years on this Earth, it feels like I ran out of time. How did I become the woman I did not set out to be?"

She was thirty-two and had become obsessed with the idea of Death. It wasn't as melancholy as that might sound. It was just that the mere awareness of being the prime of her life had put a laser focus on the idea that there will come a time when life ceases to be. Life was to be lived fully, she knew that. But how? So she started picturing herself at the end of her time on Earth. She would imagine the thoughts that would run through her mind.

Arguably, she was in her golden years (though some might point out that her egg count was in rapid decline). She felt successful by her own measure. She had loved and been loved. When the time came, she had been brave enough to break her own heart. She had achieved success in academia and in her career. Yet, she had diverted from the path of 'conventional success' when she knew that was not she wanted. She had learnt lessons in her twenties and thirties that take others many decades to learn. Still, she feared that she was not living a fulfilled life and that precious time was slipping through her fingers with every year that she did not figure out her Purpose.

"I remember that time in my life where I felt so alive. Young and invincible. People were drawn to me and I could achieve anything I put my mind towards. They told me that is what Youth is like and you better enjoy it while it lasts. I was convinced I held some special inner magic and that things were only going to go up for me. I suppose the hubris of youth is typically a condition not recognized by its patients."

She really had it all. Intelligence, resilience, athleticism, beauty (an acquired taste - as some would say) and confidence. She had the means; a supportive family, financial stability, socioeconomic status. She was convinced that she could achieve anything if she put her mind towards it. And that was precisely the problem: she did not know what to put her mind towards. It is easy to achieve conventional success because it is a path well-trodden. Countless manuals exist to follow a linear (and therefore most efficient) path to 'Success'. She found it so much harder to figure out who she wanted to be, to work to become that woman, and then to trust herself to iterate and change that along the way. It became even harder over time when some of the women she might want to become, became unattainable. A ballerina, a doctor, a Forbes 30 under 30, a mother. The vast majority of these things she never even wanted. But the point was that she wanted to have all the options available to her. Instead what had happened is that one by one doors had closed with each passing year. By elimination, choices were made for her.

You know, if there is a Divine Being, it would be lovely if they could provide us with a maker's manual. How on Earth are we expected to figure ourselves out and then go on to apply ourselves and live a fulfilled life? If I can't figure out the majority of technological devices, how am I supposed to figure out an infinitely more complex being like myself? I know there is an abundance of potential there but how do I tap into it?

It was her thirty-third year on this planet when the bliss of youthful ignorance started to fade. She noticed a pattern around her. People whom she once looked up to, seemed to have lost their spark. Previously, the term 'Midlife crisis' had seemed something written about but not relatable. She didn't know anyone who suffered from that presumable rare condition. Now, she started seeing it in many places. The friend who never lacked for male attention and got married to quite The Catch? Divorced and disillusioned at thirty-five. That acquaintance who was surely going to climb his way up to CEO in a matter of years? Well, they had devoted their life to the job only to be laid off in a time of financial crisis. The person who had such innate paternal qualities - surely fatherhood would find its way to him? Single at forty and no prospects on the horizon. That's when she realized; the things that make sense or seem deserved are not always the things that become a reality. So much of life is composed of random fortune or misfortune. There really doesn't appear to be any logic or fairness to it all. Bad people sometimes get rewarded while good people suffer. The gifted people aren't always the ones that leave a legacy. There simply are no guarantees in this life.

Yet the unexpectedness of life is also where it's beauty lies. Coincidences happen that are so coincidental that they seem orchestrated in some divine way. The beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

She imagined herself back in the hospital bed with a stack of journals on her lap. The testaments of a lifetime of beautiful coincidences. With the wisdom of an eighty-year-old and the runway of a thirty-year-old and realized that she herself was the only thing standing in her way. All she needed was to shift her perspective.

"These annals of an ordinary life. No awards, riches, legacy or offspring. Instead, it has been a life of experimentation, with a curious mind and open heart. There are countless moments of success where I listened to my inner voice. Where I stepped off the beaten track to stand up for the girl who was bullied. When I rejected a job offer because it was going to run me into the ground. When I moved across the globe to give myself space to breathe. Even though it might not amount to much to others, a brave life is one I find worth living. And that life was mine."