BEFORE WE TAKE a deep dive into stress as one of the leading causes of overeating, I want to briefly mention several of the many risks associated with being overweight. It’s important to understand the potential outcomes of obesity at the physical and economic levels as well as the emotional level.

It is generally known that being significantly overweight can lead to serious health problems, including type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, stroke, heart disease, heart attack, heart failure, cancer, gallstones, kidney disease, hypertension, reproductive troubles, gallbladder disease, gout and gouty arthritis, chronic fatigue, osteoarthritis, fatty liver disease, asthma, and sleep apnea, all of which negatively affect one’s quality of life.

In addition, 60 per cent of Canadian adults spend their entire workday seated, and 56 per cent are categorized as “physically inactive.” The cost of physical inactivity includes obesity, lost productivity, increased absenteeism, lower employee satisfaction, increased short-term and long-term disability payments, greater employee benefits costs, and higher workers’ compensation claims. Projections report that by 2030, medical costs associated with treating preventable obesity-related dis- eases could increase by $48 billion to $66 billion per year, and the loss in productivity could be between $390 billion and $580 billion annually.

Obviously, overeating and obesity are major problems we need to address. If the root causes of our overeating are often related to our mental health, what factors contribute to our propensity to emotionally overeat?

Let’s turn to a major contributing influence: stress. Numerous studies show that physical or emotional stress increases the intake of foods specifically high in fat and sugar. Once ingested, these foods seem to reduce activity in parts of the brain that produce and process stress and related emotions such as frustration, anger, fear, anxiety, sadness, and helplessness. These foods really are “comforting” in that they seem to counteract stress. This may contribute to people’s stress-induced cravings for those foods.

For example, a 2011 study published in the Journal of Clinical Investigation shows that hormones in our stomachs appear to communicate directly with our brains, independent of any feelings we have about a particular food. For the study, subjects were fed a solution of either fatty acids or saline through an unmarked stomach tube. Both groups then listened to music that had been proved to evoke a negative or neutral emotion. Those given the fat rather than the saline were less sad and more upbeat after listening to sad music and seeing sad faces, suggesting that emotional eating operates on a biological as well as psychological level. The researchers believe this shows that fatty acids can induce a signal from your gut to your brain that may fend off negative emotions. It also explains why it can be difficult to eat healthily and resist emotional eating, given the strong soothing effect of food on a biological level.

The brief mood surveys administered throughout the experiment revealed that the participants found the sad music considerably more depressing after receiving the saline solution then after the fat solution. The functional MRI brain scans taken during the experiment echoed these findings: compared to the saline solution, the fatty solution appeared to dampen activity in parts of the brain that are involved in sadness. In their discussion of the results, the researchers suggest that therapy or other treatments that teach people how to deal with stress and its associated emotions would help people improve their eating habits. I agree.

In a study on the role of cortisol (the stress hormone) in the body, results showed that when we are stressed, our adrenal glands release both adrenaline and cortisol. The 2021 article explains that glucose (our primary source of energy) is released into our bloodstream to begin the “fight or flight” response. Once the strain or stress dissipates, the adrenaline wears off and our blood sugar drops, which is when cortisol takes over, to replenish the energy supply. Because sugar supplies our body with quick energy, it becomes our go-to in times of stress. Unfortunately, the body stores sugar, mainly in the form of abdominal fat, which is how we continue to gain weight when we are stressed.

In 2014, researchers from Ohio State University gave a group of women a high-fat, high-calorie meal after they were interviewed about the stress they had experienced the previous day. The researchers measured the women’s metabolic rates (the rate at which they burned calories and fat), and examined their blood sugar, cholesterol, insulin, and cortisol levels. The results showed that, on average, women who reported one or more stressors during the previous twenty-four hours burned 104 fewer calories than their counterparts. Stressed subjects also had higher insulin levels, a hormone that contributes to fat storage.

While many people understand that eating healthily and exercising are beneficial in many ways, stress at home and work can prevent us from taking such steps. With lack of support at work, conflicts with colleagues, fear of job loss, and worries about too many hours and demands, it’s no surprise that work can be a source of strain, which can increase unwanted behaviours such as unhealthy eating.

I can certainly attest to this myself. Earlier, I talked about my weight gain while acting as a clinical counsellor during an intern- ship at a weight loss camp. I was supposed to be a role model for healthy eating, and I was failing miserably because of my stress level. While my clients never saw me engaging in my bingeing behaviour, I knew what I was doing and it felt awful. I experienced feelings of guilt, frustration, shame, and disappointment in myself that only made things worse. I was hired to help others work through their stress, anxiety, depression, and other struggles that were causing them to emotionally eat, and here I was falling victim to the exact same clutch.

For most people who are able to the leave their worksite, home is a place to dispense the stress and recharge so that they can be at their best when they return the next day. Working as counsellors, none of us had this luxury, which is actually a necessity for general health and well-being. Without a place and time to disconnect from work and refuel, we were running emotionally and mentally on empty.

By the end of the eight weeks, after I’d returned home, I had my wake-up call when three work suits didn’t fit. At first I thought the dry cleaner had shrunk them. Honestly, the idea that I had gained that much weight didn’t occur to me. That’s how off the rails I had gone. But when I caught on, I felt fully ashamed.

I knew I was not alone, but I also wanted to understand what had happened to me so that I would be able to truly help others. And I wanted to know why I was turning to those foods specifically, foods high in fat and sugar, like Rice Krispies squares, brownies, anything chocolate I could get my hands on. Being aware of and understanding my behaviour was the first step toward changing it.

In this next section, I’m going to introduce you to Daniel, a wonderful father of three girls who had been struggling with his eating habits for some time, and who was also looking to gain a deeper understanding of his behaviour toward sustainable change.

Daniel’s Case:

Daniel was a little nervous when he first came to see me. He had never been to a therapist before and was quite shy as he sat on the couch across from me. He sank into the couch, hunched over, and it was difficult for him to make eye contact. At around five feet seven, he was about two hundred and fifty pounds. He had the kindest green eyes I’d ever seen and a few light freckles on each cheek that made him look far younger than his thirty-five years. You could tell just by looking at him, he’d been a sweet kid.

As soon as we started to talk about his three daughters, his eyes lit up. Something in him shifted completely, and you could see pure joy spread across his face. His entire body seemed to relax. He talked about tiptoeing into their rooms in the morning to give each little sleeping angel a kiss before he set out to work.

Daniel felt like he had won the jackpot with his girls. But he was also struggling inside. Up until about four years before, he’d had a great job as a financial trader that was bringing in a nice living for his family. “I was never a money kind of guy,” he said. “We grew up wealthy enough in my home. We went on trips. But we were never interested in ‘keeping up with the Joneses.’” While he enjoyed his job as a trader, the people he worked with, and the company culture, it was stressful. “I would buy food on the way home to cook, which I enjoyed. Cooking was a way to relieve the stress. The work was nonstop. You had to figure out when was the right time to use the bathroom or you ran the risk of losing thousands of dollars. Everyone I worked with had health issues. We were all on some type of blood pressure medication. It prob- ably took ten years off my life. That said, I really did love that job.”

Unfortunately, things changed for Daniel in a major way. He began to make less money than he had been before, and he was let go. It was a major hit. The lifestyle as he knew it needed to change immediately, and his entire family would have to adjust. Daniel felt a sense of failure, guilt, and shame. After a few years of job hunting, he finally found a job in financial investing. Unfortunately, by that point, his habits of turning to unhealthy food and in increased quantities had already become a regular routine.

For Daniel, food felt like the best way to relieve stress. He told me that while he enjoyed cooking, he also could easily find himself in the food court. “My biggest problem when I’m eating at home is portion size. I do most of the cooking. But at lunch today, for example, I got Chinese food from the food court.” When I asked him for a typical scenario in which he would turn to food, he described getting a phone call from his telephone company telling him that his bill was overdue.

“Then I’ll think, ‘How am I going to pay for that?’ That’s when I end up at Harvey’s for lunch with a double hamburger and a large fries. It’s when I get that kind of call or that bill. I just can’t deal with it. I’ll be walking around the food court and I’ll end up at one of those places. I can’t control the bills, the finances. But the food makes me feel better in the moment.”

I asked Daniel about how he felt afterward and what were the consequences of his eating habits. “I always feel like shit after I eat,” he said. “I feel like crap. And I ask myself, why did I do that? I know beforehand that I will feel awful afterward. But I do it anyway. I can’t stop myself.”

Aside from the emotional consequences, I also wanted to know whether his eating habits were affecting his new job. He told me that they definitely affected his performance because part of his work was getting people to invest their money. That meant presenting himself well. “I don’t look my best right now. It’s about looking the part,” he said. “But I don’t look the part now because I can’t fit into my clothes. It affects my confidence. If I’m walking into a meeting not feeling confident, how I am going to get this person to invest in me? I don’t know. I can’t say for certain. But I do think that if I was thinner and feeling better about myself and looking better, I would perform better in meetings with clients.”

It was clear that Daniel was experiencing stress in his home and work life that was resulting in him turning to food, which was only creating more stress and unhappiness. He was feeling pressure to meet expectations, both financially and physically, and he wasn’t measuring up. When I asked him if he could tell me how he felt about what he was going through, he talked about fear and frustration. “I’m scared I won’t be able to turn it around,” he confided.

I also wanted to know whether this was the first time in his life that he felt pressure to meet others’ expectations and then turned to food when he failed. “Even as a teenager, I felt stressed. I never lived up to the expectations of my father. At sixteen years old, I remember my mother telling me that I needed to lose weight.”

Here’s something important you need to know. When we are young and still developing our sense of self, we are fragile. When we are in a vulnerable state and do not get some form of com- fort, recognition, acceptance, or validation from the important people in our lives, the outcome is shame—a feeling born out of the self-beliefs that a person is bad, or not good enough, not smart enough, not capable enough, not thin enough, not pretty enough. We’ll dive further into shame in later chapters, but for now, understand that shame and emotional security seem to be at the core of most struggles. When as a child we reach out to either parent in times of struggle, do they answer the call for comfort? Are they able to provide soothing relief? Or is the child left alone to cope, without having learned or developed any healthy coping strategies? If the parent answers the stress call, the child learns that they can be vulnerable and have someone to turn in times of discomfort. The child develops a secure attachment to the par- ent. The experience of negative emotions becomes manageable and the child feels emotionally safe and at ease. If, however, the parents do not answer the call of distress, the child learns that they cannot be vulnerable and there is no safe place to process negative emotions. The child develops an insecure attachment to the parent. As a result, the child becomes stressed and anxious, feeling unsafe in the world.

Daniel’s father had expectations of him that were not met. His father wanted him to be better in school, to be more athletic. As Daniel grew up, his father wanted him to be more professionally ambitious and more financially successful. His mother wanted him to lose weight. The result was that Daniel felt like a disappointment to both parents, never feeling emotionally safe with either of them.

Over time, the messages of not being good enough delivered either directly or indirectly when we were younger become internalized as “I’m not good enough.” We then enter the world as an adult with this belief system, which affects our behaviour and choices in life. Daniel’s eating habits were triggered by job and financial stress, which resulted in feelings of being overwhelmed, out of control, and helpless. When we feel this way, our self-es- teem is affected. We begin to doubt our ability to make decisions and perform effectively, which manifests itself in our professional and personal lives. Instead of taking steps forward, we move backward or remain at a standstill. We avoid engaging with others, which affects our social connection and causes us to retreat further. We avoid intimate relationships with others, which can result in feelings of isolation and loneliness. In Daniel’s case, his struggles with work retriggered feelings of inadequacy that had developed early on in his childhood. Food was merely the coping strategy to deal with his negative thoughts and feelings.

In order to change our unwanted behaviour, it’s important to become aware of what triggers it. For example, often, when we react in a negative way in a particular situation with another person, we are not reacting to the situation itself. Chances are, that person has pushed one of our buttons, such as a core shame that was developed many years ago. There used to be many occasions where someone might say to me, “Oh, you didn’t know that?” and my entire face and neck would get hot and I would get sweaty. Within seconds, my shame button was triggered. I wasn’t smart enough. My reaction was defensiveness. I would either respond in an attack to discharge my own negative feelings or I would shut down completely—neither great options in terms of coping strategies. But after working on my core shame, two things have happened: 1) The number of times I am triggered has been reduced by 80 per cent. When someone now says in seeming surprise, “Oh, you didn’t know that?” I don’t feel a reaction in my body, most of the time. My response is ownership, honesty, and curiosity. “No, I didn’t,” I say. “But I’m really interested. Can you please explain it to me?” 2) When I am triggered, I am now aware of what the signals are in my body and can catch myself much sooner. I have more space with which to activate my self-compassion and bring myself back down to neutral, so that I can choose a more productive response.

This shame of not being smart enough, of feeling stupid, was also activated at the weight loss camp. After some reflection, I realized what was happening for me. The stress of my first job out of graduate school was making me call into question my capabilities, whether I would be able to handle the job. It was hitting on my core “I’m stupid” button, which had been developed many years earlier in my childhood home with a father who was a successful doctor, an older sister who became another successful doctor, and another sister who turned to law and policy to help protect women and children across the world. The bar was high, and I never seemed to reach it. My core shame came in the form of “I’m not smart enough or capable enough.” And here I was in my first real job unable to hack it.

We all have core triggers, and when we react in a negative way (such as turning toward unhealthy or large amounts of food to cope), it usually means one of those has been activated. Instead of reacting to the trigger, I learned to get curious about what was really going on. I learned that I can dig deeper into myself to understand my reactions and which hot buttons are being triggered. Perhaps more importantly, I also learned that as a counsellor, I needed to facilitate an environment of compassion and ask the right questions so that I could explore others’ core triggers underlying their eating patterns. When I incorporated this strategy into my practice as a therapist, the results showed that clients’ desire for food decreased while self-care, compassion, and respect increased.

Sometimes our desire or compulsion to turn toward food is about stress. Therefore, we need alternate ways to reduce and manage stress. Here are some strategies you can use that will help you alleviate and better cope with stress.

1 Get physical. As we’ve discussed, physical activity is one of the best outlets there are to reduce and manage stress. When we are stressed, we build up negative energy inside us that comes out in some very unhealthy ways. (Just ask my hus- band about “Scary Jaime”!) Any form of physical activity will dispense that energy and provide you with more space to think clearly. If running is your thing, run it out! You know that expression, “Walk it off ”? Totally works. Throw on your favourite tunes and strut your stuff. If tennis is your jam, slam that ball! Add in the grunt if you want. Trust me, it feels great. If you’ve always loved to dance, dance it out! Whether it’s in your living room, bedroom, or at a dance class, let the music fill your body and let go! Find an activity that you enjoy and get out there. I promise you it works.

2 Practise yoga. Yoga is all about finding calm and peace. It’s about quieting the mind and being in the present moment. All of the thoughts from the past and the future are stopped, and you can just focus on your breath and being where you are. The first time I tried a yoga class, I admit it was a bit of a mess. I felt so awkward and silly, which resulted in a fit of giggles, which then got me kicked out of the class. Why downward dog was so funny, I’ll never know. Regardless, I went back and did it again. So don’t give up after the first class. As with anything new, it will take time to learn and adjust. Stick with it because, again, it works.

3 Try meditation. Similar to yoga, meditation is all about find- ing calm in the present moment. There are several of types of meditation, such as guided, unguided, or walking. We’ll talk more in-depth about meditation in the chapter on anxiety and depression. But for now, check out the Calm or Head- space apps on your phone. Test out a few meditations to see what feels like the right fit for you.

4 Get counselling. Of course, as a practising psychotherapist, I’m biased, but speaking with a counsellor is another effective strategy for not only dispensing your stress but also learning tools and techniques to manage it more effectively. This is also the place to work through the deeper issues that underlie your stress. There are many therapists out there, and you may have to try out a few before you find the one who is right for you. Don’t get discouraged if it takes you a few different people before you find the right one. This is the most important work you will do in your life, and finding the right match for you is half the battle. You and your therapist are a team, and you must feel there is a nice groove between you. At the end of your first session, ask yourself, “Do I like this person? Do I feel comfortable with this person?” If so, go back for a second session. You are not locked in, so take it one session at a time. If it feels good for you, book another one. As long as it feels good and you’re getting value from the sessions, keep going. Sometimes you meet the goals you set out to achieve, or you’ve taken all you can from the therapist and it’s time to move on. However, if you find that right fit, it could be the best thing that ever happened to you. It could change everything.

5 Start journaling. Journaling is another great strategy for letting go of all the noise that’s taking up space in your mind. While it may be the same thoughts that are roaming like a virus through your beautiful brain over and over, journaling is a way of moving them from your head to paper so that you don’t have to carry them anymore. The other very cool thing about journaling is that sometimes seeing your thoughts visually can give you another perspective that makes you realize that things really aren’t as bad as you once thought. So get writing, people! While you’re at it, jot down a couple of things every day that you’re grateful for. It could be sun- shine and a blue sky, your partner emptying the dishwasher without being asked, or taking twenty minutes for yourself to curl up with a book, magazine, or loved one. Focusing on the good stuff in our lives helps lessen the bad stuff and reminds us that there is so much more good we have.

6 Sing it out! Research shows that singing even ten minutes a day helps elevate your mood and reduce stress. Not much of a singer? Doesn’t matter! As long as you enjoy singing, that’s all that counts here. So sing along to “All I Want for Christmas Is You” by Mariah Carey, or all the lyrics to the Hamilton soundtrack. Just belt it out and release.

7 Be social. Therapists are great listeners. You know who else are great listeners? Friends. That’s right. If you select the right one, they will listen to your struggles with compassion, validate your feelings, empathize, and hold you when you need to cry it out. Going out with friends or having them over for a good time also helps take your mind off of your stress. As they say, laughter is the best medicine!

8 Have a good cry. Speaking of which, crying is another amazing stress reliever. You know how people say they feel much better after a good cry? That’s because their body is releasing cortisol, the stress hormone. So get crying! You need to release that stress, and if it wants to come out through your

eyes, let it. Some people can cry whenever they feel like it. If you are not one of those people and you need a little push to get you over the edge, might I recommend listening to “On My Own” from Les Misérables or anything by Air Supply, or watching any episode of Grey’s Anatomy? Seriously: any episode of Grey’s will leave you in tears. It is the reason I watch the show. Whatever gets your tear ducts flowing, just let it out. Then spend some time with friends. Social connection is another way to elevate the mood and reduce stress.

9 Find a hobby. Here, I’m talking about hobbies such as photography, pottery, painting, drawing, writing, birdwatching, sumo wrestling. Whatever hobby brings you joy, do it! If collecting seashells makes you happy and allows you to forget everything going on in the world, rock on! Maybe you hav- en’t had a hobby since you were a kid. That’s okay. Think back to when you did. Maybe it’s been right there all along, wait- ing patiently for you to come back. Maybe it’s rock climbing, mini-putt, or making crafts. Whatever it is, own it. Live it. The more joy you can bring into your life on a regular basis, the more manageable your stress will be.

10 Get with nature. Often, the business and chaos of the city is enough to elevate anyone’s stress levels. The honking horns, the traffic, the pollution! This is when it’s time to get out for a walk in the woods or by a body of water. Of course, I’d love to be on a beach with my feet in the warm sand, while listening to and watching the ocean waves. Let’s be honest, though, it’s not always possible. But there are usually parks and nature hikes within city limits or a short drive away that can make you feel as though you are far away. Breathe in some fresh forest air. Feel the ground beneath your feet and remind your- self that Mother Nature’s got you. Just breathe deeply and put one foot in front of the other. Walk along a path or sit by the water, watching the sun make the waves sparkle. Listen to the sounds of the water hitting the rocks and just breathe.

11 Laugh out loud. Remember when I said to bring more joy into your life? Well, what could be more joyous than laughter? Whether it’s setting up every unsuspecting member of your family with a whoopee cushion, buying a handheld device that has twelve different fart sounds on it (yes, I do own this and use it at any given opportunity), or watching a comedy show, bring more laughter into your life. I’m re-watching old episodes of Friends. Whatever tickles your Elmo, make it happen. Laughter makes us feel good, which reduces stress. In the words of Han Solo, “Laugh it up, Fuzzball!”

All of these strategies I’ve outlined here are helpful in not only alleviating stress but also preventing us from turning to negative coping mechanisms such as emotional eating. When we turn to food to relieve a stressful situation, we are actually reacting to the triggering of a core shame. In order to change our behaviour, we must first get curious about our core triggers and the way we speak to ourselves. Only when we have a deeper understanding of what our underlying issues are and the situations that bring them to the surface can we begin to challenge and change them. And that starts with getting curious rather than being judge- mental. Then it’s about self-compassion. It’s about finding opportunities on a daily basis to practise acts of kindness, compassion, patience, love, and forgiveness toward yourself and others.