Perhaps one of the most difficult things about struggling with your mental health is thinking that you don’t have a reason to be struggling. When everything seems perfect, and your emotions and feelings are not matching your success, it can feel like failure. Looking back, it took me a long time to confess, even to myself, that I was struggling. In fact, this suppression was possibly what caused me to have panic attacks. To anyone on the outside looking in, I was living the dream. I was a successful operations manager at a well-known telecom firm. I had a beautiful family with a partner whom I loved very much and three children that she had blessed me with. The progress that my company had made in the past few years was incredible. For the first time in my life, I was at the height of my career and was beginning to reap the rewards of hard work. Financially speaking, we were more than well off. I had left university with a first-class honors business degree and had my pick of what I chose for a career. At this particular time in my life, I had achieved a dream that I had held on to since I was a little boy. To boot, I was owning a classic Porsche 911 sports car. I was on top of the world, or so it seemed.

It was a Wednesday morning in late June when I had my first panic attack. The day started out like any other. I got up at 6 a.m. to beat the morning traffic, having had a poor night’s sleep, and was due to perform interviews for an important role that was opening up at my employer. It wasn’t a particularly stressful morning; I had done plenty of interviews before and besides, I wasn’t the one who had to answer the difficult questions. But during my first interview, at around 8:30 a.m., I started to realize that I was having a major panic attack. It was my senses that were affected first. As I was speaking with the interviewee, my hearing slowly started to go and I could only hear certain words. I could see his mouth moving but I could not for the life of me understand what he was saying. My heart pounded in my chest so hard that I was afraid at first that I was having some sort of a heart attack. My heartbeat was irregular and unnerving. The walls in the whitewashed room where I was having the interview suddenly started to close in on me as I began to realize that I was not going to be able to hide this much longer. At that moment, I thought that I was going to die. That is how terrifying it was. Something that makes me very sad for my former self is that, somehow, I managed to suppress this panic attack and mumbled through the rest of the interview, hiding that disabling feeling of fear for another day. I was too embarrassed to admit to the interviewee that I was really struggling and was not in a state to be at work that day. Instead, I wrote it off as too much caffeine on a day where I had not slept well the night before. I told nobody about it, and instead had a rest in my car during my break before continuing with the afternoon interviews.

As you can imagine, the panic attacks did not go away. In fact, over the course of the next six weeks, they got much worse. So much so that I found myself in the ER room on numerous occasions, having convinced myself that I was having a heart attack and that the heart palpitations that were happening to me were something sinister that could cost me my life. In every instance, I could not understand what would cause these panic attacks to consume my entire body. But every time they happened, it felt as if it were a matter of life and death. My anxiety was so all-consuming, that I even spent one Christmas Day in the emergency room, after the heart palpitations became so severe that I phoned the ambulance. Eventually, I told my work what was going on. Although I didn’t know it yet, this was the first small step. I was a high-level business professional who had to make difficult decisions every day and did not break a sweat while doing it. And suddenly, I had to tell my boss that I was suffering from… from what? How could I explain to her what was going on without looking unprofessional? What if she decided that I was not fit for the job and I would end up losing my job? What if everyone in the office found out and thought of me as a weak individual, someone no longer worthy of their respect?

Sounds familiar? Now that I am in the right state of mind, that is, that I am now taking measures to ensure that my mental health is something that I consider every day. I now understand that those worries were caused by nothing but my overall anxiety. The fears that were consuming me about work, disclosing my panic attacks to others, and admitting to myself that I needed help, were all down to my anxiety disorder. I now know that if you disclose to your boss that you are struggling mentally, they are obliged by law to ensure that you take some time off, if needed. There are systems in place that protect employees from having to work through a time in their life when they are unfit to do so. Similar to sick leave rights, mental health is now considered to be a priority for people’s ability to work, and if you are on a permanent contract with a company, you are protected by employee rights.

By this time, it was essential for me to take time off work—the very thing that had consumed my life for over a decade and was partly to blame for neglecting my mental health. If you are already relating to my story and you understand those fears I was feeling about work, then the first step is telling someone about it. Human resource representatives at your workplace usually have a protocol to follow when someone discloses their mental health struggles. Especially if you visit a doctor and speak to a medical practitioner about how you are feeling, your doctor can better explain to your workplace what you need. No matter how afraid you are, telling someone how you are feeling is the first step. No one deserves to struggle alone. And I am not saying that things will instantly get better when you tell someone what is going on. This is not the case and it wasn’t the case, even for me! But by telling someone, you are ensuring your own safety. You are showing yourself a duty of care. Because when people get deep into depression or anxiety, their life may be at risk. If someone is suffering alone, dark and scary thoughts can form. You do not need to judge these thoughts. You are not “weird” or “twisted” for thinking them. Thoughts are as random and as impersonal to our being as a passing cloud. Thoughts form without much input from ourselves. And the good news here is that thoughts can change. But I didn't know all of this yet.

The decision to take personal time off came after one of my many trips to the ER room, when a doctor at the hospital started to ask me about work and whether I would consider taking some time off to try and tackle these panic attacks. I hesitantly accepted and took the doctor’s note to my boss, which only listed that I was “struggling with personal issues” and that I needed to take sick leave. Thankfully, my boss was more than understanding, and even linked me to a counselling service in our office that I could avail of. My doctor and I decided that I would take five weeks off to recuperate, get my sleeping pattern back to normal, and hopefully see a reduction in the panic attacks. But for someone who was struggling with insomnia and feelings of disassociation, five weeks without a schedule or purpose became yet another prison for my mind to suffer in.

At first, I had thought that anxiety was the worst feeling you can feel—that nauseating pit of worry in your stomach, the constant nervous tapping of a foot or hand or leg, the inability to eat, the heart palpitations that start with the first sip of coffee, the bags under your eyes. All of it felt unbearable. But during those five weeks off work, I would become acquainted with a powerful cloud of depression, where I was unable to function as a normal human being. Suddenly, I was unable to leave my bed, cook anything, dress myself, wash my teeth, and answer basic questions. My wife would try and try to get through to me, unable to recognize this person that I was turning into—a zombie who would sleep all day and stay awake all night. She would wake me up at around 11 a.m. every morning, after I would have had two or three hours of sleep and ask me simple and reasonable questions like, “What are you going to do today?” “What would you like for breakfast?” and then during the more frustrating mornings, “What can I do to help?” Here was a woman who needed to dress me, help me brush my teeth, clean my mess that I was unable to help her with, and all the while, I am sure she was dealing with her own stress and anxieties over my condition. What if I was no longer able to work? How would we support our three children? How do I explain to the kids why their father cannot come downstairs for dinner?

Going through this in front of the people that I loved the most was devastating. I was supposed to be the provider of the family, the one who provided comfort and support to my family. Instead, I was rotting away in my bed. There would be cups of tea that would get cold and forgotten about because of my sleep-deprived state. I would eventually find them when I’d be half drunk, a moldy skin over the tea, reminding me of my inability to cope. Too ashamed to show my wife, I would wash the mold out in the bathroom sink and hide the abandoned cups underneath. This was the perfect image of what I was doing in my own life. The pain that I was going through was largely because of my inability to face the fact that I was struggling and needed some help.

My inability to express myself and explain how I was feeling made my wife suspicious. Unfortunately, as the weeks went on and my mental health deteriorated more and more each day, my wife became convinced that I was hiding some indiscretion. Before any of the panic attacks, I enjoyed a luxurious life that was filled with business trips and conferences abroad. As an operations manager, I was treated with five-star service on these trips and had plenty of opportunities to enjoy fine food and social interactions in beautiful countries. My wife and I have always had a strong marriage and a strong connection. There has never been any conflict between us and the mental health struggle that I went through ultimately made us closer. But this was not always the case.

So out of the blue came this mental breakdown that my wife became convinced I must have cheated on her and was so racked with guilt that I was taken sick. In my wife’s defense, the deterioration of my mental health seemed to occur overnight. There was no obvious rhyme or reason to it—no one had died, I hadn’t lost my job or gambled all of our savings away and I wasn’t hiding a bottle of vodka underneath my desk. And yet, I would lie awake at night, unable to sleep, and was barely able to communicate during the day. Without an explanation coming from me, my wife became convinced that I had done something unforgivable and was too afraid to admit to it. The panic attacks, multiple trips to the emergency room, a case of insomnia that was on and off for months, and my being unable to work or get out of bed were obvious to her. Surely, there was something I was hiding. This was the narrative that my wife and I would argue about for weeks, as I was unable to give her a better explanation or understanding of my condition.

If you have ever been disabled by your mental health struggle, a bout of depression, or a mental disorder that you constantly need to manage, you will understand how deep within yourself you can go. During those dark days, my depression was eating away at more and more of my personality. This meant that I was not able to properly defend myself from my wife’s accusations, which meant that she became even more suspicious of me.

This seems like an appropriate place to take a break from my own story and include a learning moment. If you are currently in a relationship with someone who is suffering from anxiety or depression, this is a great opportunity for you to learn more about your partner and how you can best support them. Whether this person is a sibling, family member, partner, or best friend, there are some key tips that can help you do the right thing. Watching someone you love go through a dark spell can be very upsetting. The first thing you need to focus on, before anything else, is looking after yourself. If you are not in a strong mental place, then you may not be the best person to care for your depressed or anxious partner. That sounds harsh, but this is the core principle of self-care. Self-care is not merely the act of putting on a mask, pouring a glass of wine and having some “me time” (although acts of love are a positive thing). Self-care is about taking care of yourself and your mental wellbeing before anyone else's.

If you are with a partner who is struggling deeply with their mental state, and you too have issues with anxiety and depression, then taking on their problems as your own will be very overwhelming. Asking for help from your partner’s friends or family members and attending counselling as you work through this phase are ways that you can make yourself a priority. Once you are looked after, then, and only then, you are in a position to try and help your partner.

Let’s bring it back to my wife, for example. She was an overwhelmed mother of three who had a mentally unwell husband that was not communicating with her. How lonely that must have been for her, how isolated and frightened she must have felt. I don’t know whether she was speaking to her friends at the time or whether she felt comfortable enough to disclose her own insecurities, but the idea that your partner has committed adultery is a form of anxiety that can be completely overbearing. I am sure that it enveloped her mind and consumed her whole heart, which left her unable to take care of me appropriately.

Now, let’s say my wife decided to get counselling, or even better, had a therapist with whom she met frequently and she could trust with disclosing certain things. In this instance, my wife could have gained some insight into depression and anxiety and how a person can act when they are in this state. It could have allowed her to better understand my condition, which could have improved our communication at the time and would have aided both of us to get back to a better mental state. Once you are confident that you can take this huge responsibility on, here are some other tips that can help you care for your depressed partner:

Understand Their Condition

This may include your partner’s acceptance that they need professional help and possibly a mental diagnosis. Diagnoses are never easy. People can go years without knowing what is wrong with them or be branded as a certain diagnosis, like manic depressive, bipolar, or ADHD. All diagnoses, big or small, come with a change in a person’s life, as they attempt to live with their new reality. If your partner is aware of what they suffer from, then try to learn as much as possible about their condition. For example, your partner may be a survivor of trauma. Trauma can occur at any stage of our life, but it is most influential during our developmental years. If your partner grew up in an abusive home, suffered some sort of neglect or abuse, or went through a traumatic event, such as a death or a toxic relationship, then there will be things that can influence their mood and either prevent or act as a trigger. For example, if your partner suffered some type of sexual abuse, then you know that some films or TV shows will be triggering for them to watch. Understanding more about what your partner is going through will help you feel more empowered to look after them, as well as yourself. It can be isolating and frustrating at first because you feel as if you are doing the wrong thing without meaning to. The more knowledge you arm yourself with, the better.

Find a Support Group

During this time, there can be a decline in the connection between you and your partner. The person whom you once could tell everything now feels a million miles away. Being the caregiver to someone who is going through a tough time can also be exhausting, both physically and emotionally. Nowadays, there are many support groups for partners who are struggling with mental health issues. These are open spaces where people get together and disclose personal experiences, while knowing that there is a confidential agreement within the group. You may find the same sort of comfort by reaching out to a friend, a family member, or even a colleague whom you trust. You would be surprised how many people go through a stage in their life when their mental health becomes unmanageable. Whoever this person may be, make sure that you have someone to talk to after a long day of struggle at home. It will make the battle seem much easier.

Notice the Warning Signs

If at all possible, try to look out for warning signs that mean your partner is slipping into a dark place. These can be anything from loss of appetite, inability to sleep, disinterest in social activities, low libido, anger outbursts, and unexplained physical symptoms. Of course, if your partner suffers from a condition that needs constant care and attention, you may also need to look out for signs of suicidal thoughts. If you ever feel like your partner is at risk of harming either you, themselves, or someone around you, contact the emergency services immediately. Here are some signs to look out for in your partner that may suggest that you or they may be at risk. These warning signs are offered by Psycom.net, which is a mental health website founded in 1996[1]:

●     Talking about suicide

●     Considering a suicide plan, such as purchasing a gun or stockpiling pills

●     Extreme mood swings—from very happy to the opposite within a day or less

●     Social withdrawal

●     Preoccupation with death

●     Noticeable changes in normal daily routines

●     Feeling overwhelmed with hopelessness

●     Engaging in risky or self-destructive behavior, including drug or alcohol abuse or reckless driving

●     Giving away belongings

●     Saying goodbye

●     Getting affairs in order

Part of this difficult situation is knowing when you have lost control. The truth is, unless you work specifically in the medical field, you are not trained to support your partner at this time. It is in their best interest to be seen by a professional. For less extreme cases, even showing a genuine interest in the possibility of your partner slipping into anxiety or depression can be enough to show them that they are cared for. Knowing that someone is on the lookout for their best interest will hopefully give them feelings of positive self-worth and value.

Consider Your Words

Please don’t take this as me being condescending. The care that you are showing to your partner or loved one is admirable, and I know that you are doing everything you can to help support them. But when someone is in a dark place, even the most minor thing can set them off track. Try to use encouraging statements and words to your partner, as you interact with them. You do not hold all the answers and like my wife, you may have no idea what is going on with your partner or what is causing this sudden mental health problem. But there are some questions that depressed and anxious people may find harder to answer than others. When my wife would ask me, “What are you going to do today?”, the blotless, empty day would stare back at me as I wondered how I could answer her question. In truth, I knew that I wasn’t going to do anything that day, except stare into the abyss and feel totally disassociated. When you know that your partner is struggling, perhaps you can consider some questions such as these:

●     Are you sleeping more or less than usual?

●     Are you eating more or less than usual?

●     Can you taste your food when you eat?

●     Do you feel tired no matter how much you sleep?

●     Are you capable of enjoying things right now?

●     Is it hard for you to groom yourself?

●     Are you having thoughts about your own death?

These are some things that you may never have had to ask your partner before. But having a space that is open, honest, and considerate of what your partner is going through can really help them get back on their feet. Knowing that we have a space to heal while we can’t seem to be able to do much else helps a lot with anxious thoughts and feelings of uselessness. The best advice I can give you is this, if your partner is going through a hard time, a bout of anxiety or depression or something personal, treat them the same way you would if they had a stomachache or a cold. If you can, help them with their grooming, their meals, and sit with them, having a relaxed conversation or watching something you know they would usually like. This can really help bring people back to themselves. Many people go through these bouts by themselves, without family or friends even knowing about it. The fact that your partner has you to help support them already puts them at an advantage. Take each day as it comes, and remember to check in with yourself, your support circle, and a therapist for advice. Always try to encourage your partner to visit their doctor and encourage honesty if they are having thoughts about death or suicidal ideation.

[1] https://www.psycom.net/help-partner-deal-with-depression/