“It Always Seems Impossible Until It’s Done.”

–Nelson Mandela

Ellen had had a fantastic morning. Everything seemed to be falling into place. Everybody seemed to understand what she was trying to achieve and, by and large, everybody seemed to be pulling together. All the metrics were heading in the right direction. As she headed out to lunch, the sun was shining, and she was feeling good. She turned into the High Street and then something caught her eye. It was a sign on an office door.

The Naked Negotiator

I can negotiate anything – guaranteed

First consultation free

On the opposite side of the road was Drew’s dentist. She looked back at the office. It was a pretty fancy building. They’re not going to be interested in my piddly problems, she thought. She turned away, but then stopped. I could just enquire, find out how they work. She was still wrestling with the idea in her mind when she realised her hand was already on the door handle. It was a heavy glass door but it swung open silently and effortlessly. Inside was an immaculate office, the walls lined with identical files, each precisely aligned and spaced. At the only desk in the room sat an elegant middle-aged woman tapping away on a keyboard. She looked up immediately and with a beaming smile she said, “Can I help you?”

Ellen’s brain suddenly froze. “Er, I’m…I mean, I was just wondering. Do you…how?”

The smiley lady decided to help. “Do you need a negotiator?”

“Yes,” said Ellen, regaining a little composure. “You see, I need a pay rise and I really can’t…I don’t suppose you handle such trivial matters?”

“On the contrary,” she replied, “the Naked Negotiator loves all negotiations, big and small! He’s in now. Would you like to see him?”

Ellen was a little taken aback. “Don’t I need to make an appointment?”

“Not at all. I just need your name?”

Ellen started to get nervous again. “Ellen. Ellen Standing. Will it take long? I’m on my lunchbreak.”

“No, no. Not long.” The smiley lady leaned forward and pressed an intercom button.

“Ms Ellen Standing to see you. She would like to talk about a pay rise situation.”

“Oh! How wonderful!” came the reply, in a very excited tone. “Send her in.”

Without speaking any further but with an encouraging lift of the eyebrows, the smiley lady motioned towards a large double-door. Like the street door, it opened silently and effortlessly. This office was lined with books, with a single enormous desk. Almost the entire far wall was a large single window, which revealed the most beautiful countryside and the river that ran through the town. Standing gazing out of the window was a tiny, old man in a rather tired-looking business suit. He sensed Ellen’s presence and turned around. Although he stood bolt upright, Ellen guessed he was over 70, maybe a lot older. Bespectacled and bald, but with a skirt of grey hair circling his head and the outsized nose and ears so typical of elderly men, he made her think of a cartoon mad professor. But his large eyes and warm smile gave him a friendly demeanour.

Striding towards her with his hand outstretched, he said, “Welcome, welcome. Do come in.”

Ellen was beginning to have doubts. She towered over him as she shook his hand. This guy’s an expert negotiator? He doesn’t look very intimidating, quite the opposite in fact, she thought.

“Please, please, make yourself comfortable. Let me get you a drink. Tea, coffee, juice?”

“Tea would be lovely, thank you.” Ellen sat on a chair that was placed directly in front of the huge desk. It was soft and welcoming.

The old man hurried over to a drinks station at the side of the office and poured some tea. “Now, I’m sure I have some biscuits here somewhere,” he said as he scrambled around in a cupboard under the drinks station.

“No, really, thank you but no biscuits for me,” Ellen protested.

“Oh, just let me put them out for you. Just in case you get hungry. I’m sure you’ve had a busy morning.” This wasn’t making Ellen feel any better. He’s seeming a lovely old man, she thought, but I need a ruthless bruiser!

He carefully arranged a handful of biscuits on a plate and placed them with the tea next to Ellen. He then pushed his chair alongside the desk to be closer to Ellen. He looked her in the eyes, smiled broadly and said:

“Now, how can I help?” But before she could answer he jumped up and said, “Is that chair comfortable? Would mine be more comfortable for you?”

“No, no. Really, this is fine,” she said, internally rolling her eyes. He sat back down.

“I’m so sorry, I interrupted you when you were about to speak. Please proceed.” Another warm smile, which helped Ellen to relax a little. Her interest was certainly piqued.

“I hope you don’t mind me saying, but you don’t seem like a hard-nosed negotiator.” She quite surprised herself with her boldness.

The Naked Negotiator leaned forward in his chair and said, “Ah, my dear Ellen, you haven’t paid me a penny, but you’ve already learned your first negotiation lesson.” He leant back in his chair and motioned towards a brass plaque on the wall:

Courtesy is the lubrication of negotiation

Use it liberally - It’s free!

“Negotiation is about people. So many negotiators make the basic mistake of thinking they must be cool and aloof. Discourtesy irritates and puts people on edge. It makes them far less likely to co–operate, far more likely to feel that they are in a war.” He leant forward in his chair again. “Do you feel that you’re about to go to war with me, Ellen?” he asked.

“Well, no. I take your point,” she said, but without much conviction. His words made sense, but her experience, what she had seen in movies and on TV, made her sure that an intimidating presence was always going to be more effective in a negotiation than friendly courtesy. Nevertheless, she could feel herself warming to him more as each moment passed.

“Weak, inexperienced negotiators think you have to unsettle the other party to get the best deal. Top negotiators know the opposite is true,” he said, almost in a whisper. “Ellen, always remember this.” He walked over to a whiteboard and wrote:

Great negotiators are great problem solvers,

not great warriors

He looked at Ellen with a beaming smile. He really is the most unthreatening little man I have ever come across, she thought. Is he really going to turn me into a winning negotiator?

She was curious about something. “Why do you call yourself the Naked Negotiator?”

“Well, Ellen, I’ve been a professional negotiator for over forty years. I’ve negotiated contracts all around the world for a myriad of different products and services in a myriad of different sectors, and do you know what I’ve discovered, Ellen?”

Of course, she didn’t. But he paused expectantly, nevertheless. “No?” she replied.

“They’re all the same!” he said triumphantly.

“They’re all the same?”

“Whatever it is you’re negotiating, whoever you are negotiating with, the basic principles, the essential rules, are the same. They are the same because we’re all human. When you strip away all the specifics of your particular challenge, you’re left with the same basic principles, the bare bones of negotiation. The naked negotiation, as it were.” He smiled broadly.

All negotiations are in

principle the same

 – because we are all human.

They sat in silence for a few moments as Ellen tried to take in what had just been said. “But it can’t be that simple?”

“I didn’t say it was simple,” he shot back quickly.

They sat in silence again. The Naked Negotiator didn’t seem to mind the silence. He sat there, smiling, waiting. Is this guy for real? Ellen thought. Is this a waste of time? She decided to soldier on for now:

“It’s about my pay. I love my job, but I don’t know how to ask for a raise. What should I do?”

“Ah Ellen,” he said. She noticed he used her name frequently. “I’ve already given you one lesson for free. We need to agree terms. My fee is five thousand pounds.”

Her heart sank. “Five thousand pounds! I can’t afford that! I’m sorry, I think I’m wasting your time, and mine!” She started to get up, but he raised his hand, encouraging her to sit back down.

“Maybe there’s a different way we can do this,” he said. “Great negotiators are like explorers – cutting through the undergrowth of obstacles to find the result that nobody else could imagine.”

She sat back down but remained convinced that there was no future in the discussion. “How about I give you two options? Option 1; a fixed fee – only one thousand pounds.” Much more reasonable, she thought, but still way more than she could afford. “Or, alternatively, you pay me 50% of the annual rise you get. Whichever option you choose, if you don’t actually get a rise, you pay me nothing. Nothing at all. How does that seem?”

Her head was buzzing. He didn’t look like a negotiator. He didn’t act like a negotiator. But there was only one person controlling this conversation, and it wasn’t Ellen!

“How much of a raise do you think you can get me?”

“I don’t know. I can’t know until you’ve done your homework. But more, much more, than you will get on your own.” He said, leaning forward in anticipation of her answer.

“Can I think about it?” asked Ellen apologetically.

“Of course! Of course!” he replied, in a very animated manner. He immediately stood up, and Ellen instinctively followed. He ushered her to the door. “Take as long as you like. I’ll be here. Just pop in any time.”

As she stepped out onto the street, Ellen turned back to look at the door again. It had been quite a surreal experience and something in her wanted to check that the office was really there.