At the age of 30, Jake was hospitalized, grappling with the weight of anxiety, depression, and paranoia. Soon, he received the life-altering diagnosis of schizophrenia. In this intimate and illuminating book, you are invited into Jake's world, one he shares with his mother, Laurette, through alternating chapters written in an accessible and larger font for clarity and simplicity.
As you journey through the pages, you will witness the inner workings of Jake's mind, at times clouded by the darkest shadows of paranoia. With remarkable insight and humor, Jake opens up his thoughts, offering readers a window into the complexities of schizophrenia. Laurette, with a mother's wisdom, adds her perspective, striving to be the beacon of logic that might prevent her son from plummeting into the abyss.
Together, they paint a vivid portrait of the modern challenges surrounding mental health, seen through filters of uncertainty and shades of gray. It is not merely a tale of struggle, rather a testament to resilience and the enduring hope for a brighter future. For those bound by this brain disease or standing steadfast as loving caregivers, this book is an indispensable bedside companionāa source of comfort and a reminder that you are never alone.
At the age of 30, Jake was hospitalized, grappling with the weight of anxiety, depression, and paranoia. Soon, he received the life-altering diagnosis of schizophrenia. In this intimate and illuminating book, you are invited into Jake's world, one he shares with his mother, Laurette, through alternating chapters written in an accessible and larger font for clarity and simplicity.
As you journey through the pages, you will witness the inner workings of Jake's mind, at times clouded by the darkest shadows of paranoia. With remarkable insight and humor, Jake opens up his thoughts, offering readers a window into the complexities of schizophrenia. Laurette, with a mother's wisdom, adds her perspective, striving to be the beacon of logic that might prevent her son from plummeting into the abyss.
Together, they paint a vivid portrait of the modern challenges surrounding mental health, seen through filters of uncertainty and shades of gray. It is not merely a tale of struggle, rather a testament to resilience and the enduring hope for a brighter future. For those bound by this brain disease or standing steadfast as loving caregivers, this book is an indispensable bedside companionāa source of comfort and a reminder that you are never alone.
Are dinosaurs real?ā My twenty-eight-year-old son appeared
in the room where I was folding laundry. He drew in a labored
breath. It seemed as though he might spontaneously combust
right there in front of me, so his tight exhale came as a
relief for both of us.
āHey, kiddo, what a nice surprise. Whatās up?ā His visit
was unexpected, as it was only mid-day and heād not been
home much since the move to his new apartment in Burbank
the previous month. Something felt amiss. His lanky frame
stooped forward; his hands jammed into his pockets.
āThe dinosaurs . . . I mean, Iām not sure,ā he whispered,
his eyes darted right to see if anyone else was in the room.
Instinct slowed me. āSure, honey, theyāre . . . they were
very real.ā He didnāt speak then, so I continued. āRight? I
mean youāve seen so many cartoons and Jurassic Park type
movies; itās probably easy to forget that you learned about
dinosaurs in school.ā I watched him draw in another breath
while nodding his head. He turned away from me and clicked
on the television. The moment passed quickly.
I have no recollection of how I processed that. I guess
I didnāt. A door had slammed shut in my head, and I simply
blocked the dark thing that had announced its presence
as a mere flicker of fear on my sonās face. Those early years
were filled with bits and pieces of abstract information that
would come and go. It was a clue that tweaked my logic
and yet . . . I had to let it go.
Looking back, twelve years is a long roadāan information
overload on a journey both terrifying and bewildering, but
as in any crisis, life comes at you one day at a time so as not
to break you all at once. It took years for Jake to be properly
diagnosed and medicated. Schizophrenia is a brain disease.
It has taken so much from all of us, and recently it occurred to
me that writing a book might be the answer. Heād always had
a way with words and of uniquely expressing his ideas . . . but
could he stay focused on a project these days, long enough
to see it through? And could dredging up the past open the
Pandoraās box of paranoia that dogs Jake every moment of
the day and night? This book was his idea, the concept of
schizophrenia from a family perspective, a journal moving
back and forth between mother and son. He felt it should be
written in brief chapters so as not to overwhelm a reader who
has symptoms like his. This would be a comfort food for those
lonely moments when you feel different from everyone else
on the planet.
The writing process was cathartic for Jake, as well as
disruptive, in that reliving his experiences did indeed kick off
some pretty substantial waves of depression and paranoia.
Nevertheless, he persevered, saying that he wanted and
needed to keep writing to get his story out there. It is this bravery
I am in awe of every day.
During the time it took to finish this book, all of us have
gone through a great deal: political unrest, a worldwide pandemic,
and environmental chaos. To the average person, we
are shaken . . . but for those with mental illness, it is a minefield
of triggers to the dark side. With so much yet unanswered in
the quest to find peace in a brain that is at war within itself,
we journey on together ever seeking the path that will bring
mental illness out of the dark ages and into the light. Oh,
weāre waking up, and itās in vogue to make statements on
social media declaring allegiance, but weāre searching with
a flashlight. If you or a loved one is experiencing this battle,
then you are well aware what we are up against, and it is a
lonely and scary war indeed. This book is for Jake and for you.
In the Beginning
Jake
Everything that occurred prior to the onset of schizophrenia
was perfect. A dream. A vanilla sky of creation. Since I was
nine years old and on into my twenties, before there were
YouTube careers and Instagram advertising partners, I was
churning out videos by the hundreds in hopes of getting a
laugh from my parents, sisters, or friends.
I had a solid troupe of actors at my disposal. Mainly my
family. My youngest sister, Molly, was the Meryl Streep of the
bunch. She was passionate, devoted, and able to take direction
like nobodyās business. Today, sheās a successful television
actress. My sister Becky took a little more arm twisting to be
in a video, but she was always hilarious. These days sheās a
television producer.
One of the best McCook movies was Grandma Baba.
Molly wore an old man mask with a wig and a prim dress and
wreaked havoc on her grandkidās social life with constant flatulence
and raiding of the family fridge. One cannot forget the
unsettling trilogy I made with my best buddy āStomachacheā
where two friends binge eat and then vomit on screen for an
uncomfortable amount of time.
These were the bookmarks of my emotional life. If I was
frustrated with my social life, I would make a movie about
twins that worked out their relationship issues on a split screen.
If I needed to exorcise my demons, I would make a music
video and spastically dance or wildly lip sync to some current
pop song.
It was what I needed. It was my drug of choice, and I
couldnāt stop. I was hooked. Maybe it was being able to control
people. All of it. My true friends were a video camera, a
computer, and a jumble of studio lights. It was insulation that
protected me from the outside worldāthe distraction from an
adult life that would one day steal my joy, my independence,
and my dreams of a world where anything was possible.
Until I read this memoir, I did not know how exhausting each day is for someone with schizophrenia, and for their caregivers. The story is a first-hand account of their experiences and how the family must constantly adapt to each challenge.
The vivid titles for each brief chapter, explain precise situations with honesty. With alternating viewpoints, each story ensures each personās experience is given equal weight. This helps build an accurate picture of the daily symptoms of paranoia and the impossibility of avoiding triggers. A random word, an overheard conversation, or even the vanilla scent of a candle could be overwhelming.
Getting the diagnosis of schizophrenia is the greatest hurdle. Without this, the medications and types of treatment will clash. Jakeās mother stayed involved with her sonās care. Even for someone you love, few people have the stamina.
She is there for him while he gets his first apartment and starts a job heād wanted since he was young. As he drinks more, his independence fades and she stays by his side through sober living, hospital stays, and treatment.
This memoir is an intimate look at two people committed to honesty and clear communication. While there are many sad and scary moments, the insight Jake and his mother provide paints a vibrant picture of what trust looks like and how to keep communication going. Her insight on why alcohol is used to deal with nighttime symptoms was eye-opening.
The section where Jake describes his art group and what he enjoys about being there shows the value of art therapy in focusing attention. He finally has a community where he can thrive.
The book bridges the gap between clinicians, clients, and family members. It's intended for people who have no experience with schizophrenia, or for those working through their own family challenges with it. This is a personal journey and it doesn't include discussion of current research or best practices.
Laurette said it best on page 105, ". . .you are the only thing standing between your child and the system, which is poorly regulated, underrepresented, and universally misunderstood."