If it was only about not using (abstinence) but addiction is more cunning than that, it’s in a state of constant evolution, it uses everything to twist our reality to serve it’s purpose. Addicts want to quit but the guilt/shame/hopelessness/trauma/desperation keeps us in a state of despair, we seek escape from reality because dealing with reality and the consequences of our past actions is frightening. Who wants to admit they screwed up their life? Who wants to admit we lost control? Addiction plays on our fears to keep us prisoners, I know this to be the ugly truth because it kept me a prisoner to my own fears for years. We each have the key to our freedom but how many are ready to face life on life’s terms? If I told you that society wants you back would you listen? If I told you that your family still loves you would you hear me? Addiction never loved you, it played you, like it played me and countless others but there is a way out that many of us have learned. All you need to do is believe in yourself and show up each day to get better. Whenever I write I always hope that my message reaches the people that need to hear what I’m saying because I’ve been where you’re at and I know how it feels to be broken, but today I know how it feels to not be afraid of sharing my testimony on my journey from hell and back.

Hello, my name is JR Weaver and I’m a person in lifetime recovery from drugs and alcohol, I am a army veteran, certified peer support specialist, senior mentor for Veteran’s Treatment Court and employee at our local VA Hospital working in the Sterile Processing department. I am not a writer by choice but by necessity because my own sobriety depends on it. Writing helped me during some of the most desperate moments of my life, it helped me dissect what my addiction was feeding me and what my addiction was doing to me. For about 20 years I ran the streets, I have been homeless, hopeless, Godless and just ‘lost’ to the reality that my life was worth anything more than the next hit or drink. That is exactly what substance use disorder does to us, it blinds us to the reality or reasons behind why our lives had become unmanageable and spiraled out of control. It breaks us down from the inside out, piece by piece, until there is nothing ‘original’ left inside us. It will take us away from everything and everyone that might cause us to rethink our choices, it must isolate us from the voice of reason until the only voice we hear is the voice of addiction. Then it owns us. My story is filled with ugly memories of times when I tried to fight back but it always ended up the same, addiction knows that all it has to do is wait patiently for us to do that next ‘hit’ and we are right back to doing its ugly bidding. I’m a guy that needed help but didn’t know how to ask for help, being prior service I wasn’t accustomed to showing weakness so I bottled up everything and my life soon revolved around alcohol and drugs, I lost control and was stuck on a never ending self-destructive cycle that was going to kill me if I didn’t change. After hitting my last rock bottom and facing felony charges in 2 counties I found myself at my lowest point in my life, I needed help because everything I tried failed, I pleaded into drug court on 11-15-17 and thought I would just do the year to clear my charges, I didn’t have a ‘solid’ recovery plan so guess what happened next? 4 more felony charges from another county popped up on the radar from my last relapse, the part I want to drive home is I had a choice to make back then over 2018 New Year’s weekend, (go figure that it had to be the biggest party weekend of the year) I could take the little bit of cash I had to go get high or I could save it for cantine when the police came. I decidedd to stay sober thru the holiday weekend and make it to work on Tuesday to learn that the police had also checked there for me on friday, well it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out the V.A. police were trying to indiscreetly follow me to detain me for the police, so I had another ‘moment of truth’ to make, I could run or I could get my affairs in order for what’s to come, I sat there at our break table knowing they were coming and took the few minutes to write down addresses and phone numbers, I was tired of running, I believed that God had a plan so I sat there waiting. Long story short, I spent 90 days locked up while drug court rolled my new charges into my plead, on day 91 I walked right back to the hospital to resume my treatment program because I knew that was the last thing my addiction thought I would do. I took back my life, I graduated drug court with no sanctions because I believed in the program and I really wanted my life back. Guess where I’m employed? The exact same V.A. hospital where I was shackled hands and feet, I do hope my story helps at least one person, you are deserving a better life than you might currently believe.