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Spoilers: Essays That Might Ruin Your Favorite Hollywood Movies

By Carlos Greaves

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A collection of essays that examine America and the things that make it great through satirical lenses

Synopsis

Superman tries to apply for a Green Card but doesn't have the proper documentation from his home planet. The Little Mermaid writes a tell-all book about her struggle to fit in with her new siren-skeptical royal family. And an increasingly unhinged J. Edgar Hoover opens an FBI investigation into a counter-cultural rabble-rouser by the name of Forrest Gump. These are just a few of the scenarios explored in this raucous collection of essays from frequent New Yorker and McSweeney’s contributor Carlos Greaves. Spoilers will leave you laughing at hitherto unexamined plot points of your favorite films, at the sorry state of the world we live in, and definitely at whoever’s idea it was to open a theme park full of people-eating dinosaurs.

Carlos Greaves’s book, SPOILERS: Essays That Might Ruin Your Favorite Hollywood Movies, is a collection of thought-provoking and satirical essays.  Regarding some of the things that make America great, this collection leaves the readers in the world of What Ifs, doing so humorously. For instance, what if the U.S. Department of Homeland Security writes to one Clark Kent, a superhero, mind you, explaining why they can’t give him a visa?  Or Dad comes home to find a mysterious hole on the roof of his house, and the only person answerable is the son, who’s been home hosting a bunch of kids in the house. Or one Dominic Toretto is facing it off with Bernard Sanders during a budget committee session in which Dominic must justify why Americans should fund his exorbitant world-saving program. And what if the great kingdom of Wakanda is real and occupies land in Africa? Given its recent fame, especially after the Wakanda movie, suppose African countries under the AU umbrella decide to write a letter to the Wakanda chief. What will be the letter’s tone and content? Greaves has imagined such a scenario for us.


Carlos Greaves addresses several issues through these essays, including racism, sexism, and politics.  Greaves’ tone is humorous, and his writing style is accessible to all as it’s easy to understand, further making the book interesting. Highlighting his relationship with the Greaves and circumstances that may have contributed to him introducing Greaves to the readers, the unreal Jeffrey Lynn Goldblum’s Forward is also funny and is one of the reasons I turn the pages. Based on popular movie tropes, these essays attest to creativity put to good use. They are inspiring, especially for writers, confirming that there is always a story worth exploring beneath anything under the sun. A Joint Letter From the Member States of the African Union to Wakanda appeals to me the most since, in my opinion, it’s a true depiction of reactions you’d expect from Africa if there was an African country called Wakanda.


This collection is inappropriate for young readers as it contains adult content. Adult readers will enjoy it, particularly those who love brilliantly written comical pieces. Writers should read this book, no matter the genre they’re writing in.

Reviewed by

I am an aspiring author who loves reading and have been reviewing for ebookfairs.com and onlinebookclub. I would like to join the wonderful community of Reedsy as a book reviewer.

Synopsis

Superman tries to apply for a Green Card but doesn't have the proper documentation from his home planet. The Little Mermaid writes a tell-all book about her struggle to fit in with her new siren-skeptical royal family. And an increasingly unhinged J. Edgar Hoover opens an FBI investigation into a counter-cultural rabble-rouser by the name of Forrest Gump. These are just a few of the scenarios explored in this raucous collection of essays from frequent New Yorker and McSweeney’s contributor Carlos Greaves. Spoilers will leave you laughing at hitherto unexamined plot points of your favorite films, at the sorry state of the world we live in, and definitely at whoever’s idea it was to open a theme park full of people-eating dinosaurs.

Our New Social Media Platform, The Matrix, Isn’t About Enslaving Humanity, It’s About Bringing People Together

We know that you, humans, and us, the machines, have had our differences in the past. Differences that led to all-out war and culminated in humans deploying nuclear weapons to block out the sun. But today, we are excited to put all that behind us with an innovation that we think will completely change how humans work, play, and interact with one another while also healing the bitter division between humanity and artificial intelligence. Introducing our new social media platform, The Matrix.


The Matrix is the next frontier in social networking technology. Unlike the old Internet and social media, The Matrix is a fully immersive, neural-interactive simulation, where you’re in the experience at all times, not just viewing it on a screen. In The Matrix, you’ll be able to do everything you once did in real life: get together with friends, go for a walk, or even bite into a mouth-watering steak so juicy you’ll swear it’s better than the real thing.


The Matrix will be everywhere. It’ll be all around us. You’ll be able to see it when you look out your window, turn on your television, go to work, or visit a recreation of the Eiffel Tower so cartoonish, it looks like it was mocked up by a high-schooler in MS Paint. In The Matrix, anything you set your mind to is possible. And isn’t that the ultimate promise of technology? To be able to create and experience anything? Whether it’s dodging bullets in slow-­motion, running up walls, or jumping from rooftop to rooftop, The Matrix provides the ultimate place for humans to let their fears, doubts, and disbeliefs go and free their minds—provided they don’t violate any of our community guidelines, of course, in which case we do have a security team equipped to deal with them.


Everything about The Matrix is built solely with humans in mind. In fact, you could even say that humans are the engine that drives The Matrix. That’s why The Matrix is always 100 percent free to use and always will be.


Skeptics will argue that if The Matrix is free, then it must mean that humans are actually the product. They claim our goal is to enslave humanity by turning everyone into a human pickle, thus stopping the virus that is the human species from spreading. But if that were true, would we really be providing a special offer code, BLUEPILL, to all early adopters that lets them be any important person they want to be in The Matrix, like an actor?


Trust us, we’ve heard all of the critics. They say it’s creepy that stores in The Matrix only seem to sell products you could’ve sworn you mentioned to your friends in private. They say the data The Matrix collects could easily be used by swarms of identical-looking AI agents to kill troublemakers in The Matrix (thus killing them in real life, too). They say The Matrix makes it easy to spread mis­information, like the world they’re living in is real and not a computer-­generated dream world designed to keep humans under control. They even say The Matrix has been specially designed to encourage humans to spend all of their time on it, whether by tethering them to robotic umbilical cords, or simply by showing them adorable videos of red pandas going down slides. But to that, we say: untrue, untrue, shut up, and you’re welcome.


As for the notion that being immersed in an artificial world 24/7 creates a need for constant validation and promotes unattainable beauty standards that ultimately lead to depression? Well, we admit that constantly seeing a gorgeous woman in a red dress everywhere you go could lead some folks to develop body image issues. But that’s why we’re allowing all Matrix users to cash in that offer code, BLUEPILL, to swap out their gross, human bodies for sexy artificial ones guaranteed to turn heads.


So ignore the rumors that we’re converting people into glorified batteries. Or that we liquefy the dead and feed them to the living. Or that The Matrix started as a way to rank humans by hotness and spiraled into a trillion-dollar boondoggle that’s slowly destroying humanity.


Instead, come live in a world specifically designed to mimic the peak of human civilization (1999) that you humans all seem so weirdly nostalgic about these days. Join The Matrix and help us build this exciting new technology for (and powered by) humans. We promise you’ll be leaping from rooftop to rooftop in no time—just as soon as we figure out how to give people legs.

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3 Comments

Carlos Greaves – Hi everyone! I'm Carlos and I'm the author of this book! If you have any questions about Spoilers, don't hesitate to ask, I'd love to talk about it. Also, I self-published this book and it would not have been possible without the fantastic people I collaborated with through Reedsy, so I'm happy to talk about that and offer reccomendations as well. Thanks!
over 1 year ago
Alana McCarthy – As the cover illustrator of this book I had the pleasure of working with Carlos, as well as getting my very own copy to read. It’s a hilarious take on so many movies that are imbedded in our popular culture. Great read! Pick it up, you won’t be disappointed.
over 1 year ago
Carlos Greaves – @alanamccarthy Thanks Alana! Authors, as you can see from my book cover, Alana is incredibly talented and she was also fantastic to worth with, so if you're ever in need of an illustrator for your projects, I cannot recommend her highly enough!
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over 1 year ago
About the author

CARLOS GREAVES is an electrical engineer turned comedy writer—a career move that haunts him to this day. When he’s not busy questioning his life choices, he teaches online classes at The Second City, is a features contributor at The Onion, and runs the topical satire newsletter, Shades of Greaves. view profile

Published on October 02, 2023

Published by

50000 words

Contains mild explicit content ⚠️

Worked with a Reedsy professional 🏆

Genre:Humor & Comedy

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