“Capitalism has brought with it progress,

not merely in production but also in knowledge.”

— Albert Einstein, Famous College Poster Model

Before learning about the early tenets of capitalism, let’s

take a moment to define what is an oligarch. After all,

you are about to begin the journey to becoming one.

The term originates from the early 1990s when the Soviet

Union was dissolving under the hefty, voluptuous weight of capitalism.

A cadre of enterprising individuals started to buy up all

the natural resources and state-owned assets for pennies on the

ruble. By the mid to late 1990s, they all had become billionaires

and owned a majority of the Russian economy. Meanwhile the

rest of the people, now in blue jeans (which were illegal during

the Soviet reign and had to be smuggled into the country), were

still essentially poor.

Today, the term refers to any mega-rich person as most own a

lot of assets and they control plenty of political influence in their

country, much like the OG oligarchs of Mother Russia. Anyone can be an oligarch, but especially you, dear reader. Why, you ask?

Because you bought this book, which means you are determined

to take everything that is yours as well as everything that isn’t

yours. For those who control the money, wield the most power,

and thus control the world. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Take a step back and learn about where all this free-market glory

began.

There is a rich history of capitalism, which has provided

important benefits to one specific class of people, oligarchs. The

expansion – and then exploitation – of capitalism over the

centuries has ensured that the oligarch class has been able to live

comfortably while the rest of the world suffers under their yoke.

Just as nature intended. Ain’t that right, Attenborough?

She Sells Seashells

Before we can begin the glorious journey toward the highest

annals of wealth, we must start at the beginning. The grandfather

of capitalism is money, and money’s grandaddy happened to be

seashells about 3,500 years ago. Although, the Shekel was created

even earlier – around 5,000 years ago. The primitive societies of

yesteryear !rst began to barter between each other. These early

ancestors even used special drills to hone the shells to increase

their value. The shells were traded across the globe, with Europeans

calling them wampum. Even today, you can see these valuable

shells being sold as necklaces on American beaches and

boardwalks to teenagers with blond streaks in their hair and

popped t-shirt collars.

As societies modernized and the shelf life of shells ran out,

new ways of trading and gouging emerged in the rapidly

advancing world.

Change You Can Believe In

Long before the absurdity of crypto coins, there were physical

coins. As early as 1000 BCE in China, the !rst coins were

stamped out of metal. This was most likely done by prisoners who couldn’t stamp license plates. The Greeks also began

stamping coins out of metal a few centuries later. After the 2008

financial crisis, Greece has gone back to utilizing these coins until

they can handle real money again. Societies were able to stamp

faces of gods, kings, and their favorite emojis onto coins. In fact,

Charlemagne issued the silver penny in Western Europe stamped

with the eggplant emoji. It would be the predominant coin for

nearly 500 years, and a sexy coin at that.

Make It Rain

The development of paper money and thus the first “currency

shower” in strip clubs coincided with the creation of paper

money around 800 CE in China. If it weren’t for this timely

invention, the world may have been deprived of the likes of T-Pain

and Lil Jon. So, thank you, China. Thank you for early

2000s rap music videos.

This lighter form of currency allowed

for easier international trade because

traders didn’t have to lug hundreds of

pounds of gold and silver and it was much

easier to make. This helped traders avoid

their trousers from falling down due to

the weight of the coins. It is a toss-up on

whether it was the belt or paper money

that solved the Great Pants Plague of

1254 CE.

Paper currency not only gave us the

ability to “make it rain,” it also gave us a

reason to use briefcases for bribes, snort

cocaine, and more easily pay for goods and services as a tertiary

benefit.

Although they may not have had the gracious nomenclature

of being called an oligarch at the time, our rich ancestors were

often Kings or Queens, which was a reason they were able to

acquire such great sums of wealth, whether it was paper, gold,

silver, NFTs, or Magic The Gathering playing cards. Some became so rich and powerful, they were often seen above the

rulers of the places they occupied as they could buy power,

mercenaries, and anything else. After all, a ruler is only powerful

if they can pay their bills. It is tough to rule a civilization when

you have to cook ramen noodles by candlelight. The following

people certainly embodied the spirit of oligarchy, exploitation,

and hoarding.

- Crassus (Rome) – Marcus Crassus has been argued as

being one of the wealthiest men to have ever lived. It

is estimated he held around 200 million sesterces,

which could be as high as $20 billion in today’s

dollars. He wasn’t just an early oligarch, but also a

general of the Roman armies, and later a powerful

politician that helped found the Roman Republic.

Crassus was so powerful and rich during his time that

he bought and trained his own private army. He

created his own military force akin to the Blackwater

mercenaries of today. If all roads led to Rome, all

funds led to the pockets of Crassus – assuming his

robe had pockets at the time. They might have been

like women’s pants today.

- Mansa Musa (Mali) – “Mansa” means king and, boy,

did Mr. Musa live up to that role. As the likely first

recorded oligarch in Africa in the early 14th century,

Mansa Musa had access to vast piles of gold and salt

in the region. In fact, he is sometimes considered the

wealthiest man to ever have lived (so far – you’ll get

there if you can get through this book). In today’s

dollars, it is estimated that at his height, he had more

than $400 billion. Stupidly, he began to travel around

the region giving gold to the people to expand his

empire. He gave so much away it actually devalued

gold. So, the lesson for you here is to never give away

anything you own.

- Wu Zetian (China) – When you are the Empress of

an entire nation like China, you can rack up quite a

bit of wealth. Empress Wu is not only considered the

wealthiest woman of all time, but the wealthiest

person. In today’s dollars, her estimated wealth was

equivalent to $16 trillion. You read that right, she had

as much as the GDP of half the countries in the

world today. Zeitan was ruler of China for decades in

the 600s CE. She was smart in keeping her wealth and

power by having her own children killed. Who needs

heirs anyway? They just waste your wealth. You may

want to consider offing your own offspring too.