If this were a dictatorship, it would be a heck of a lot

easier… as long as I’m the dictator. Hehehe.”

— George W. Bush, Painter

It is no secret that much of humanity is dumb. Look at the last

few years; people are really, really dumb. If you do not believe that

you may want to stop here, assuming you were able to read this

far. If not, don’t worry, there are pictures for you to look at. A

hundred thousand years of evolution isn’t much time to improve

on what is essentially still a reptilian chunk of neurons in the

grand scheme of things. Humans have tamed re, pushed out

into space, and created the chalupa, but these are mere highlights

in a history of a species that has drunkenly stumbled through its

short time in existence.

Elected government has been a mostly ineective method of

managing humanity – the smart, the mediocre, and the tragically

ignorant. Some versions of governance have worked in the past,

and some even work now. In recent times, there has been a

dramatic shift toward the need for total control over an increasingly

misinformed population.

So there has been a shift toward authoritarianism, or dictatorship.

According to Stalin’s Dictionary, authoritarianism is dened

as “A totally legitimate governing mechanism that never does any

harm to anyone.” According to more legitimate sources, it is

dened simply as blind submission to a leader (or group of leaders)

who will determine every aspect of their subjects’ lives.

Whether it is about what you are allowed to say, what you are

allowed to own, who you should hate, or who you should love

(answer: it’s the dear leader), authoritarianism takes the burden of

making choices away from the people. It promotes a simple life,

one free of the complexities of the modern world.

Authoritarianism goes by many names: theocracy, dictatorship,

military junta, homeowner’s association (HOA), shogunate,

caudillo, autocracy, despotism, PTA president, hedge fund CEO,

tsarism, and Ellen DeGeneres. Each has unique characteristics

that this book will explore, but all have one key similarity: absolute

power.

This book is meant to serve as an easy-to-follow guide for

aspiring dictators. As the collaborative governments of the world

fall or fail outright, there is a need across the geopolitical landscape

for iron-sted overlords to keep the populace in line and

placated. The global population continues to grow exponentially,

but there is a clear lack of the amoral individuals required to

handle it and keep it under control. Some progress has been made

in the past couple of decades, but the future is calling for more

control – and less control (depending on where your boot heel

stands).

However, this book isn’t just a half-assed history lesson.

Don’t worry, it will at least be half-assed, though. This book is for

those who seek power, and who seek to oppress those who

deserve it as well as those who don’t deserve it. It is for those

people who believe they know what is right for the rest of humanity,

who need a hobby, who like uniformity, and who dream of

unprincipled glory. In short, readers, this is for you. But who

are you?

Career Politicians

You are already in “the game” so you have a leg up in many of the

areas required for grabbing hold of absolute power. Being in the

system means you have additional avenues through which to

streamline your path toward absolute power. Beware though;

others are sure to see through your schemes as you move up the

career politician ladder.

This guide will help you with the internal tactics to curry

favor with the higher-ups, gain sycophants to carry you forward

to glory, stomp out competitors, and backstab colleagues on your

way to the top. In this game, party aliation doesn’t matter,

whether it is Democrat, Republican, green, selsh libertarian, or

whatever those odd European ones are. All that matters is power.

Parents

Why not build upon your tiny despotic kingdom? You already

have a strong grip on the authoritarian strength that comes with

being a parent. When kids ask why they have to eat vegetables,

dress up for church, or see Grandma, all you have to say is

“because I said so.” That is a dictator’s ultimate dream, and you

are already living it. In addition, small children act similarly to the

moronic, drunken citizens in your country. They will hang onto

every word you say, and they will respond well to fear or punishment.

You cannot send your children to the labor camps, but you

can tell them you can. This guide can help you get to that reality.

It can be scary becoming the parent of tens of millions of people,

but at least child services won’t be knocking on your door. This is

mostly because you can disband the whole organization. Isn’t

parenting fun? Authoritarian parenting is even more fun.

Corporal punishment is back!

Idealists

Perhaps you justfinished your Political Philosophy 101 class,

maybe you have been spending more nights at your local commuinity board meetings, or maybe you have a bunch of books on

socialism that you’ve “read.” You might even be the real deal; the

key is that you have a “vision.” And that vision can be corrupted

or be used to justify anything you ever want to do. You have probably

written down more than a few ideas on how a utopian

government should be run – borrowing heavily from Plato and

Aristotle no doubt, you fraud. Fraud is good though, so lean into

that throughout your campaign toward absolute power.

Your ideas go beyond a philosophical debate at the local

watering hole after a few whiskeys with your friends. The

thought of being a benevolent dictator doesn’t sound so farfetched

then. Well, this book will help you garner the respect,

gain the support, and get your “original” thoughts onto a serviceable

platform. From there, well, the sky is the limit. Out of Plato’s

Cave and into the streets – this book will get you there and then

you can leave that pesky philosophy behind.

Retirees Looking for a New Hobby

For those of you lucky enough to have the nances to retire, good

for you. You do not need to take a part-time greeting job at

Walmart or slave in the salt mines of the upcoming hellscape

future. This book will help you nd a great way to pass the time

in your twilight years.

No need to spend your pension money on stamp collecting

or model ship kits. Why not utilize those hard-earned dollars on

methods to further restrict those who have come and will come

after you. It is not like the future generations will ever see any of

those dollars, given their retirement plan is to die in the climate

wars. Destroying the future of the youth doesn’t have to stop

when you retire. It just gets better with age.

Military Brass

Whether you have admirably served your country on the eld of

battle, or you simply wash down statues serving in the National

Guard, you have an easy route into leading a military junta. While

these often work best outside of the industrialized world, the

military boasts a ne reputation for the strength, manpower, and

discipline needed to dismantle the civilian aspects of any

government.

This book will help you with the tactics needed to quickly

move up the hierarchy of the defense structure of any country.

You can reach a point where you can intimidate the civilian population

and parts of government. Or you can convince them to

support your cause. Start practicing your strongman hand

gestures and designing pointless medals to cover your chest.

Teachers

Every teacher who is reading this is probably nodding their head

in agreement. Especially those that teach elementary school. As

an elementary school teacher, you have to deal with naïve, basically

intoxicated people running around like maniacs and

shooting o their mouths all day. A strong arm and discipline are

essential for controlling this tiny population. You have the quiet,

calm group. You have the loud, obnoxious group. And you have

the group that ts somewhere in the middle. You need to cater to

all of them while ensuring you maintain a high level of order. The

methods you use to punish these children and keep them in line

will translate well into reigning over a larger, older population,

albeit one that often maintains the same level of self-awareness

and intelligence as toddlers.

Children of All Ages

Lastly, who can forget about the children? They truly are our

future, so you must stop them now before they get too powerful.

However, this book doesn’t discriminate, it just teaches discrimination.

In case this author lives long enough, please remember

how he helped you, future oppressor.

In the face of every smiling child, in every twinkle of their eye,

there is a mass murdering egomaniac waiting to come out. This

book will encourage the next generation of oppressors to ourish

through lessons on indoctrination, judging others for petty

reasons, psychological bullying, nding a passion and having it

taken away, triggering a lifelong hatred of the world and a desire

to exact revenge, and many other easy-to-do activities children

can use to reach their potential while denying others theirs.

Overview of This Guide

This guide is divided into three main sections. The first section

provides a solemn overview of democracy. Just kidding; it’s actually

a celebration of the death of democracy. And a primer of

authoritarianism and its roots. It provides context for the

retreating trend of democracy and shows how authoritarianism is

already beginning to ll the vacuum left behind. Finally, it

discusses what it means to be a dictator, to help the reader understand

the mindset of the maniacal.

The second section dives into the methods, activities, and

tactics of becoming a dictator. This includes developing a platform

(a shallow one to be sure), practicing the modus operandi of

an authoritarian, and choosing what to wear as you build your

dictatorial wardrobe. We will look at how to achieve, or steal

power through such fun activities as demagoguery, intimidation,

bribery, projection, and fraud.

The final section celebrates your victory as supreme leader. It

aims to help you dene the rst months and years of your reign of

terror. Victory is only the beginning, as this section helps you

ensure your reign is everlasting, with tips on avoiding coups,

quashing uprisings, and faking the democratic process to placate

the masses. The appendix includes a helpful barometer for

stacking up your achievements against those authoritarian

pioneers who came before you.

This book is for all those who dare to dream of power,

oppression, and unbridled strength. It is for those who seek to

better themselves and reach their career aspirations at the expense

of everyone else. Welcome, future despot, and good luck on your

journey to total domination.