Foundations
Family Wounds
We all have those defining moments, some embarrassing, when our issues come into focus, and we can tell we have some things to unpack. My moment was when my sending pastor and I were having a conversation that was on a more serious note, and at the end I replied, “Thank you, Dad.” We both looked at each other awkwardly for a moment before he broke the silence and replied, “Well, don’t call me that!” I learned that day that we inherit the relationships people have with their fathers and mothers, for good or bad. I had projected my need of a father figure on this poor guy. It came out in a moment when I least expected. People will project on you as well. If their fathers were cool and distant, even cruel, they will treat you as though you do not care and could wound them. They’ll be shallow with their prayer requests, incapable of making any sincere bonds, and may not even like you at first. We inherit their upbringings, and, in a way, they inherit our own. We all come with baggage and a few dents from our journeys. We aren’t raised in perfect environments, and we are imperfect people with our own frailties and struggles. Some of these negative experiences are internal, and some ancient wounds persist well into adulthood regardless of what responsibilities we have that brought us into maturity despite our setbacks.
No one is perfect this side of heaven. There is no example of a “functional family” in the Bible. The Father and the Son do not represent a counter to that statement, though they have a significant advantage over the rest of us. The Bible is a terrible marketing piece, when you think about it, because it shows the failures of imperfect people trying to reconcile with and understand a perfect God, holy and righteous. The Bible is the story of a good father bringing his children home, and many of the people we minister to will find that one difficult to hear. I have known a lot of students from Bible college and seminary who leave with credentials and a complete inability to relate with other people because of parental wounds. They’re aware of what they know, and they can explain the substitutional atonement of Jesus Christ, but they are incapable of trust because their fathers were stern and difficult men. You inherit that relationship with all its potential and pitfalls. You can crush a person’s spirit or nurture a champion; it’s always best to choose the latter. To that end, we need to get our house in order before we embark on our mission into ministry.
Now, I am not saying that you must have every relationship singing a song of awesome togetherness. I am not saying that you need to be thought well of by every single person you have grown up around, or that you’ve come from a perfect family without fault or emotional blemish. What I am saying is that we all need to accept that we are sinners, and we desperately need a savior. Our families, regardless of how perfect we believe them to be, are filled with sinners like you. That’s where we should begin our walk into ministry. We do not want the people we care for to inherit the relationships we had with our parents; they deserve better. There may be an older gentleman in your place of ministry who takes a liking to you, and you find yourself doing anything you can to earn his good approval, even if they are things that would make your ministry seem far from what the Lord has called you to do. That’s a people-pleasing mentality that comes from not having a father who gave you enough time and attention. The father wound is a very real thing and can afflict many people entering ministry. Be aware of it. Submit that admission to your wife or husband and your ministry team. Being open with these frailties may seem like weakness, but it is a vivid show of strength that sets you up for a long and healthy ministry.
At Peace with the Past
I’ve known people in ministry who never talk about their past, as though their previous mistakes would somehow tarnish how people look at them in the here and now. There's an old saying about the past: it's a lake where we post a sign that says, “No Fishing.” I couldn't disagree with this sentiment more. We shouldn't glorify our past but being in denial of it gives it more sway in our present than we realize. We need to make peace with who we were and where we’ve come from. There’s no shame in the dents we’ve received along the way. Jesus Himself was from a backwater town that no one had respect for and was part of a family with more month at the end of the money. He was plagued with taunts and accusations about his parentage. Jesus weathered all the criticism over His past and upbringing, and it never made Him flinch, not once, because He knew exactly who He was and why He was here. Why do we cover up and hide away our past pains and mistakes? Isn’t it possible that by admitting your past you might become more relatable and approachable?
One of the things I had to do was to accept that I am an adult child of an alcoholic. This reality comes with the baggage of being afraid in my household, and to this day I find it difficult when someone sneaks up behind me and touches me on the shoulder. It brings no good memory to mind, and at my age, it has been a while since I lived in my family home. Being an adult child of an alcoholic can mean you are infused early on with insecurity and poor self-esteem. You become an expert of reading a room and assessing who you need to be to stay low and zigzag. That phrase is a term I learned from the military. When you're being shot at, and you're running away, you stay low and zigzag as opposed to running away in a straight line. As an adult child of alcoholism, you get good at dodging emotional outbursts. You're left with a desire for family without any ability to find wholeness in that quest. If you’re like me, you will look to others to complete you or fill holes in your heart that only God can fill.
The one moment that changed me forever was when I had to confront my dad with a baseball bat in hand because he had been beating my mother, and I heard her body hit the ground. My room was downstairs. I had had enough, and even though I knew there wasn’t much I could do against a man my dad’s size, I had to do something. Instead of apologizing or diffusing the situation, he looked at me and said, “Oh, thanks a lot,” as if somehow I was not being loyal and had betrayed him. I was fourteen years old. I remember having to lie to protect the family reputation, and it became worse when the family accepted Christ yet the alcoholic behavior didn’t change. Something I have come to peace with is that change doesn’t happen overnight. It isn’t a light switch to be flipped but rather a slow process that doesn’t give us whiplash. God is so gracious with us, even when we make mistakes.
I was never sure why I lived in such an abusive and alcoholic household. There were nights when I hid under my bed in fear and asked God, even before I knew Him, why this was happening to me. What good could come from such pain and disappointment as a child? Many years later I found myself pastoring a youth group and counseling kids going through the same things I had, and it dawned on me. I was given the right experiences to share Jesus with these kids in a compassionate and empathetic way. It wasn't that God wanted pain for me or that He used pain to teach me, but rather that He doesn't waste a single moment of our experiences. God brings beauty from the ashes. I learned to thank God for my past instead of resenting Him for it, because I know now that He had been with me all along. He had been protecting and guiding even in the worst moments. Our God is in the renovation business. Let Him renovate your heart. We carry all this baggage with us. It could be a generational pain that has rippled through your family in different ways. Those we minister to in life should not be the people with whom we work out our pain and family issues. Those people also shouldn’t be replacements for what we lacked in childhood. It is possible the people we care about can become friends and help us through the thickets of the past by loving us in the present.
There is help, and we should never be afraid to receive counseling or attend a group like Al-Anon, or Alcoholics Anonymous. In my mind, it is only the weak person who attempts to hide pain or suppress it with some delusion of spiritual willpower. I assure you; those will be the pastors who will run from their post when the hard times come or self-medicate in a destructive way that affects their entire sphere of influence. It is the strong men and women who recognize their own humanity and do something. It is the weak men and women who project strength and lead a private life that are drastically different from what we see on a Sunday morning. I have a good sense that being near Jesus during His earthly ministry left us no room to emotionally hide. How could we when the person who made us is looking into our eyes with love? He is praying for you even now. Be honest with yourself and be honest with Him.
I went to a counselor on a couple of occasions, and one time the guy sat back and said that I had an assertiveness issue. All my situations, all my pain and complaint stemmed from a place where my voice was not heard as a child. I learned to be silent, to experience pain in silence, and to never ask for help. I grew up learning that I was on my own, but it was all a lie. I needed to be more assertive, if something hurt me to know it’s okay to say “ouch.” In leadership, a lack of assertiveness has manifested as allowing situations to fester or build without being directive and shutting them down in time. I have had a few situations, over the years, that could have been much smaller had I acted much sooner. The only person to blame was myself because I should have spoken truth in the moment. I don’t know what your pain is, what your childhood wound has left you with. Your family might have been wonderful and you’re reading this with questions in your mind, and that’s okay. There will come a day when you pastor someone like me, or someone else who has been wounded by their family of origin. Listen to them, approach them with curiosity, and know you could have a very loyal friend if you give them a little patience and kindness.
Get help, it’s worth it and it shows strength of character that will weather the storms because you won’t try and navigate them alone. Your family of origin isn’t perfect, We may have established by now that you could possibly have come from your own very particular form of domestic disaster and it has left you with dents and bruises. Before you launch out into ministry have a strong sense of who you are, where you’re from, and who Jesus is in your life. It’s easy to try to replace your mother and father. The Lord may bring good surrogate parents into your life on an emotional level. Reconcile with it now, those good people are not your parents. Come to peace with your family of origin even if it is at a distance because the hurt runs deep in your heart. Where there needs to be forgiveness, forgive. Where you need to seek their forgiveness, seek it today. Life is short, call now.
Romans 12:18 (ESV)
If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
Know Yourself
I am a big fan of personality tests, or at least I was until they became cool. They can shed an important light into who we are and how we function as human beings. Sometimes we won’t see a single surprise, other times we may be shocked at an outcome we weren’t prepared to read. We all like to think we are amazing. I’m never surprised when I am told that I’m an introvert, but I did have one test come back as ambivert. It meant that I straddle between the introverted and extroverted world. My wife reminded me that it's possible I am an extrovert forced to be an introvert because I didn't have a voice when I was a child. That made a lot of sense to me. In fact, I do have extroverted tendencies that are only now starting to flourish. It’s hard to stand up in front of a whole bunch of people on a Sunday if I couldn’t “extrovert” at times. I enjoy my alone time and am recharged when I take time out of my day to simply “be.” Knowing who you are is vital. It will help you to know how to handle different situations and increase your heart of compassion for those who serve with you. It will even help you understand those around you. When I was in discipleship training, and readying to launch out on my own, I had been encouraged to do a personality survey that matched my personality up with personalities in the bible. It was enlightening and has given me a compass to consistently check myself over the years. When things are going well, I can be like Stephen. When things are going not going well, I can be like Laban. Stephen was not initially a disciple, but he was an honest and wise man in all his dealings. Stephen was chosen because he was faithful in the small things, and to be one of the 7 deacons who served the Apostles.
Acts 6: 3 - 15 (ESV)
Therefore, brothers, pick out from among you seven men of good repute, full of the Spirit and of wisdom, whom we will appoint to this duty. 4 But we will devote ourselves to prayer and to the ministry of the word.” 5 And what they said pleased the whole gathering, and they chose Stephen, a man full of faith and of the Holy Spirit, and Philip, and Prochorus, and Nicanor, and Timon, and Parmenas, and Nicolaus, a proselyte of Antioch. 6 These they set before the apostles, and they prayed and laid their hands on them. 7 And the word of God continued to increase, and the number of the disciples multiplied greatly in Jerusalem, and a great many of the priests became obedient to the faith. 8 And Stephen, full of grace and power, was doing great wonders and signs among the people. 9 Then some of those who belonged to the synagogue of the Freedmen (as it was called), and of the Cyrenians, and of the Alexandrians, and of those from Cilicia and Asia, rose and disputed with Stephen. 10 But they could not withstand the wisdom and the Spirit with which he was speaking. 11 Then they secretly instigated men who said, “We have heard him speak blasphemous words against Moses and God.” 12 And they stirred up the people and the elders and the scribes, and they came upon him and seized him and brought him before the council, 13 and they set up false witnesses who said, “This man never ceases to speak words against this holy place and the law, 14 for we have heard him say that this Jesus of Nazareth will destroy this place and will change the customs that Moses delivered to us.” 15 And gazing at him, all who sat in the council saw that his face was like the face of an angel.
Stephen’s ministry was not a long one, but he spoke the truth and it cost him his life. Who wouldn’t want to be like this guy? I was over the moon thrilled, if there was a “Stephen” t-shirt, I would have worn it around town. The bitter pill to swallow, we can’t only look at ourselves when we’re at our best, there’s little we need to learn from that side in comparison to when we are at our worst. The side we need to learn from is the one when we are not at our best, that’s the side we need to submit and keep under accountability.
It so happens that I was like Laban when things were not so sunny in my heart. We can read about Laban in Genesis, bits, and pieces between Genesis 24 - 31. I would like to believe that Laban came around when he finally kissed his grandkids and bid his daughter and son in law goodbye in the end. Truth is, he was still a troublesome figure when introduced to us in the Word.
Genesis 29: 18 - 27 (ESV)
Jacob loved Rachel. And he said, “I will serve you seven years for your younger daughter Rachel.” 19 Laban said, “It is better that I give her to you than that I should give her to any other man; stay with me.” 20 So Jacob served seven years for Rachel, and they seemed to him but a few days because of the love he had for her. 21 Then Jacob said to Laban, “Give me my wife that I may go into her, for my time is completed.” 22 So Laban gathered all the people of the place and made a feast. 23 But in the evening, he took his daughter Leah and brought her to Jacob, and he went into her. 24 (Laban gave his female servant Zilpah to his daughter Leah to be her servant.) 25 And in the morning, behold, it was Leah! And Jacob said to Laban, “What is this you have done to me? Did I not serve with you for Rachel? Why then have you deceived me?” 26 Laban said, “It is not so done in our country, to give the younger before the firstborn. 27 Complete the week of this one, and we will give you the other also in return for serving me another seven years.”
Laban changed his mind and with some incredible manipulative mental gymnastics he made Jacob serve another term of 7 years’ service, after already serving his original 7 years to win a bride. This is mind-blowing to me. The idea that someone could play with another’s life like this and yet here we have a direct story from the Bible. I know, you’re probably thinking “I would never do that.” Yet, we have many people who work with us in ministry if you’re in leadership. Have you ever drawn out someone’s work even an hour longer? It’s very easy to slip into “Laban-mode.” When we are looking out for our own self-interests, playing with people’s lives, not releasing them when we had agreed, then we are falling into the Laban trap. This is who I am like in my worst moments, and I don't want to be that guy. I have been able to keep myself in check by entrusting good men around me. I can bounce my emotions off them and seek counsel from them when I am in need. I see more of the Stephen these days, but that is because of the Holy Spirit. It has been a long and painful process of submission. Knowing who you are at your best, and your worst, can keep you from making some huge mistakes with the lives of others. Surround yourself with people you are accountable to in life and ministry. Have people who will say what you need to hear and not what you want to hear. Trust them, because they are seeing the Stephen and the Laban in your life better than you.
A Note for the Men
Unfortunately, society has taken a disastrous turn in attempting to pacify the male. Most shows you stream, or commercials you happen upon, will depict a male that isn’t the “sharpest tool in the shed.” They are always getting themselves into some predicament that they can't escape from. The father figures are weak men and the brunt of many a joke in their own household. Our male response to this phenomenon has not been healthy. We’ve looked toward the term alpha male and made it into something it is not. It has become a term for someone who spends 30 hours a week at the gym. A guy who yells at other men. Somehow these school yard bullies have set themselves up as the vision of an alpha male. As if aggression and volume are the hallmarks of a man. As with a lot of things, people forget the art of reading and research. An alpha male is not what social media dictates. Yes, we should be wild and fierce, but it needs to be meek and drawing strength from the Lord.
If a wolf pack is on the march, the alpha male is not the first wolf. They aren't even with the younger more aggressive wolves. A wolf pack on the move has the old and infirm wolves at the front so they can set the pace for the rest of the pack. This way no one is left behind. The younger, more aggressive, wolves follow behind as protection. They will handle any dangerous situations the path may lead the pack toward. Behind those younger more aggressive males are the wolf’s needing protection, these would be the mothers and children. After that group, at the back of the pack, would be the alpha male. Not only from a protective position, bringing up the rear, but also able to keep watch over the entire pack. The alpha male didn’t have to yell or be aggressive with his pack, he is a shepherd and leader. Make no mistake, if someone needed to be put in their place, the alpha didn’t back down from the challenge. It's not that he hasn't fought for his place by being the strongest, it’s that he understands what his strength is for and how it is appropriately to be used.
Over the last two years, I grew very tired of pastors finally discovering YouTube. They yell at other pastors to keep their church doors open. I was offended on so many levels at these weak-minded men. They resorted to playground bullying techniques to attempt to stir up the body of Christ. Being an alpha male means being a little quieter, remaining steady. It means being ready to fight when necessary but watching over the entire pack. An alpha male is not distracted by the first thing you hear making a twig snap in the forest. There will always be distractions and things to worry about. Your job is to keep people from melting down over them. Stay the course. Shepherd your pack. Be wild and fierce, ready to defend and always thinking of others over yourself.
Introverts and Extroverts
When I first started out on my own, I had in mind that things were going to be chill, nothing dramatic would happen that first little while in ministry. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Within that first 1.5 years my mom died, I was fired from a long-standing client because I was planting a church and they didn’t want to support Christian activities, and my house was in chaos as my kids adjusted to a new school in a new city. Things were more strained financially than they ever had been before. I had the choice to quit church planting or press on despite the obstacles ahead. Everything inside of me wanted to give up, throw in the towel because it was all too hard. The introvert in me wanted to crawl up into a ball and take the rest of the year off. The extrovert in me wanted to take on the world like it had no idea what was coming. Somewhere in the middle, I found the ability to grieve and pace myself while still showing up for church. I had to lean on the brothers and sisters around me to share the load of responsibility. I can look back at that terrible year as a solid gold learning experience, despite the scars it left. That terrible first year helped me in knowing who I was in God, the incredible provision and protection He brings, and who He is in my life as my captain and King.
Know Jesus
It’s so easy for us to say, “Jesus is Lord.” I find myself quite often thinking about that statement and balancing the reality of whether I live like I believe that to be true. If Jesus is your Lord , your plans are His plans, your timeframe is His timeframe. Your education, or lack thereof, is His problem. Your family is His. Your work is His. There is no grey area, no in-between, if Jesus is Lord of your life half time, or part way, then He is not your Lord at all. Sobering words, and I hope that hits you as hard as it hits me. A servant would wait daily at their master’s door so they can be about His business when He chose to go out into the town. Are you sitting at your master's door, submitting your entire life to Him? Or are you seeing Jesus as a part of your life? Someone said to me recently that if Jesus is my copilot, and He's not the one flying the plane, then I am in a lot of trouble. There’s a big difference between following God into something and pulling Him along for the ride. Jesus is the captain of your heart, not you. This leads us into a very important area that we must consider in the next chapter. What is our motivation to do ministry?
