Her mother always said that she could ride before she could walk. Even her earliest memories were from the back of a horse. 

For as far back as Kelsie could remember, she was always able to connect better with horses than with people—she understood them better, and she learned early on that the trust of a horse was something special that ran deep; a kindred spirit that she imagined her life forever surrounded with. 

She was five years old the first time she competed in a barrel race, and she could still recall her heightened senses and surging adrenaline. It was a small-town rinky-dink arena with run down wooden rails of heavily flaking paint and obvious signs of termites. 

With each turn around the barrels, as she made her way through the iconic clover leaf pattern, her addiction to the sport intensified. She could still hear her dad’s voice telling her to stay at a trot and just get through the pattern clean. Yet, despite her collectively slower gait, she felt as though she broke every speed record as she crossed the finish. 

She ended up finishing fourth in her age division—mostly because so many of the other competitors knocked over barrels at out-of-control speeds to accumulate enough penalties to fall out of the placing. That was the day that Kelsie fell in love with barrel racing, and knew that she wanted to race around those barrels for the rest of her life. 

That was the plan... 

But life often takes us on unplanned journeys... And Kelsie’s journey was no exception. Instead of being surrounded by horses, she found herself, at 31 years of age, surrounded by people; most of which she found to be just plain disappointing in more ways than she could count—with her husband sitting at the top of that list.

But that was life—her life—and a reality brought about by choices that turned out to be not quite in her plans... 

************

The clock was ticking. 

Why is this traffic going so slow... 

Kelsie impatiently tapped the steering wheel and checked the time again. The second hand of the clock on the dash was reverberating in her head. 

What is taking so long...? I never should have gone over to Ava’s co-worker’s house to take a look at her new horse. What if Tim finds out? 

She had to get dinner prepared before he got home at 6:30 sharp. She learned early on in their marriage that Tim did not like to have to wait for his evening meal when he got home from work. 

6:10... at least 15 more minutes left in her drive, as long as she didn’t get stuck at any more red-lights. Her anxiety had reached its peak as a feeling of panic began to brew in her stomach—a feeling she was all too familiar with over the last ten years.

He’s going to be angry... 

She had learned that the less she said during one of his outbursts the better off she would be. Tim would use every ounce of her defenses against her, so she did everything possible to say very little during his confrontations. The last time she didn’t have dinner ready when he walked in the door, he called her a selfish and incompetent leech before dumping the entire batch of spaghetti she was preparing into the trash. He then stormed out the door and left. When he came back home, sometime after midnight, Kelsie pretended to be asleep; but, the strong odor of alcohol permeated the room when he got into bed. 

With every one of Tim’s explosive tirades, Kelsie blamed herself for not being able to live up to his expectations and standards. She would pray to God to help her to learn how to pacify and please him. But, time and again, she found herself traveling down the same path that would ultimately leave her feeling confused and doubtful. And, as a result, she found herself apologizing to him for selfishly putting herself before his needs. 

Unfortunately, on this occasion, she didn’t quite make it from her car to the house when Tim pulled into the drive, and she immediately began her apology.

“I’m so sorry Tim. I lost track of time with Ava today and didn’t realize how close it was to dinner. I promise... it won’t happen again.” 

He glared at her. “What were you doing with Ava that was so important?” 

“Well, a lady she works with just got a new horse and she asked me to come by to take a look at it. She thought maybe I could give her some pointers.” 

“So, you put this stranger’s horse in front of the needs of your family. That is not your life anymore, Kelsie. When are you going to get that through your thick head and stop being so selfish?” 

Kelsie looked down, “I wasn’t being selfish. I was just trying to help her out. It was just for a few minutes. Ava just thought that with my experience with horses and riding that I could show the lady a couple things.” 

Tim got in her face and raised his voice, “I don’t give a rat’s ass what Ava thinks. She’s just a pathetic tramp who has no clue about the meaning of family—she can’t keep a man around to save her life.” He was spitting as he ranted. “We all have to make sacrifices, Kelsie. You knew that going into this marriage and especially with having a kid. I told you the horses had to go if you wanted to have a kid. That was your choice... not mine. So, you’d better get off this selfish high-horse you’re on and put your family first.” 

“And furthermore,” he pointed at her. “If I hear of you going over to see that horse, or any other horse, again, I will leave you and take Ryan with me. A judge would never even think of giving custody of our son to a mother who only thinks of herself and puts a damn horse in front of the needs of her child. So, you’d better think real good and hard... Is that what you want, Kelsie?” 

She was too afraid to say anything for fear of giving Tim more ammunition to use against her. He always seemed to be able to twist her words around in ways that made her feel like she was the one at fault; the one always wrong; the one always apologizing. And, more than anything, she feared Tim carrying out his threat of taking Ryan away from her. That alone she would do anything to prevent.

She fidgeted with her wedding band, “No. You’re right.” 

“Then I suggest that you make better choices, Kelsie.” He pushed past her, nearly knocking her over as he stormed into the house.

Feeling nothing more than hopelessness, the only thing Kelsie could do was to force a smile on her face and follow him inside to start dinner; all the while filing one more ‘what not to do’ in her mental Rolodex.