One day this year, I don’t remember when, I woke with a song in my heart again- a song which I had long forgotten. A song which I soon recognized from my childhood. I was a young child who spent all my time with my nose in a book. I spent the mornings in middle school, before the bell rang, in the library. Lost in other worlds. And I don’t think my mind ever stopped spinning and chugging out ideas and realizations. This never stopped, even as I grew older. Time passed. As life threw its talons into my skin, I began to sustain injury.
Pain, whether physical, emotional or spiritual, may pile itself up in our hearts and souls until we become numb or profoundly sad. I had dreams, however, that kept me going. I had a plethora of outstanding family members and friends – to whom this book is dedicated. Above all, I have God who has been here always, and will always be here. One day not so long ago, I had a mental breakdown. Nothing poetic about that. I was catatonic, I was floating in the pool of my backyard, with the hot sun beating down on me and my mom was moving my legs for me. I couldn’t move them; they were paralyzed with depression. I remember looking up at the green, plastic-like leaves of the ficus in our back yard- the breeze was blowing lazily. It was paradise, for the desert. But the beauty of it made me even more sad. I knew then that I had never been lower.
Eventually, my mother took me to my primary care doctor. I was lying on the exam table oscillating between maniacal laughter and tears. I knew that I had lost it. My doctor walked in that room and told me I wasn’t myself. I wasn’t thinking straight. He was gentle, he was wise, he was graceful. His words were directed, I’m sure, by God. I remember he made my mother cry, too. He told me that I had to get well, otherwise I could not start medical school. I was so weak, then, that I couldn’t drive a car. I lay there, unable to imagine any future for me. The tears on my cheeks were very hot. From there, we started a few medications to help me begin to function again. Slowly, I began to get better. Weeks passed and I went on to medical school, which has been the greatest adventure of my life. The first weeks were a whirlwind of challenges, but I carefully built myself back up.
Somewhere in the following months, I -unfortunately- fell in love with a very unkind person. After they broke my heart, I fell very low again- almost to my old breaking point. I lost 15 lbs. I couldn’t eat or sleep. My studies suffered. I grew very ill once more. Time passed, and God then brought physicians into my life both to teach me and to heal me. He gave me the greatest friends who have since brought me back to life. I found myself laughing again. From this blessed, precious healing comes this book. With each beat of my heart, a word has surfaced into this collection. There are both rhyme and reason here, but it is my gift to you that you decide what these words mean to you. I hope you treasure these words in your own way, and that the healing of my soul might be a story to read time and time again. Choose your cadence. Choose your viewpoint. Read the words, and know me better.
no flame as of now
still heart, I am naïve
as a dove is to vanity
my words are not mine
at this time, I am an echo
of what is around me
a purpose set before me,
that I know is true
but I don’t know why
thus, I start here
I don’t know what I wait for
all I know is that I am waiting
it’s not that I hate
what you smell like.
I just hate that I can smell you even when
you’re far from me.
so it’s like you’re here, but you aren’t
and it is not my nose
that can love you.
It is my hands, my eyes- I want the
easy fragrance of you-
sweet and cool
to be touched by my fingers and
held by my arms.
it has struck me that the love
I have craved hasn’t been love at all.
I have so much love already, endless,
right in front of me.
I’m not alone, as I feel.
I’m not worthless, as I think.
I am not drying up or fading.
My bones aren’t brittle, they’re strong.
My skin isn’t weak, it’s thick.
The hair on my head is only thinning
to make way for new growth.
And all this time, I hoped for more-
it never came-
I already have everything.