The Term and It’s Origins

Eldest Daughter Syndrome (EDS) is a term popularized by social media to describe the unique pressures and responsibilities often placed on the oldest girl child within a family. The fascination with EDS started in 2022, when a TikTok video (that has since accumulated six million views and counting) featuring licensed marriage and family therapist Kati Morton went viral (Luthria, 2024). In the video, Morton describes how EDS manifests and why so many women across the world resonate with the experience. Since then, multitudes of women have come out to describe the unique ways in which EDS has impacted their upbringing and adult lives.

Many people often wonder why this phenomenon is ascribed to the eldest daughters. To truly understand how birth order influences children's personalities and motivations (particularly young girls), we need to learn about birth order theory, a psychological theory originating from the 1900s, which was discovered by the Austrian psychotherapist Alfred Adler (Leno, 2024).

Adler suggested that the order in which children are born into a family can significantly impact their early childhood development. For instance, the eldest daughter might receive undivided attention initially, but then must adapt to sharing parental love and resources with the siblings who come after them. This shift often results in the eldest daughter gaining independence early on to play a supportive role to her parents, who may be overwhelmed with parenting and household needs. She may be asked to hold, feed, or watch over her younger siblings when her parents are busy or away. Without even realizing it, she assumes more responsibilities than are needed for a growing child.

Middle daughters have their own unique perspectives and experiences of childhood due to their birth order. They may not be required to take on a leadership role, but may feel overlooked in the family since they are neither the eldest nor the youngest. In other words, they may struggle to find where they fit in or what traits they need to develop in order to seek their parents' attention and affection. As a result, middle daughters tend to adopt people-pleasing tendencies as they navigate the waters of authentically expressing who they are and gaining acceptance from their parents to feel secure in themselves.

The youngest daughters tend to receive the largest portion of their parent's attention and affection because of their birth order. Even after reaching adulthood, they continue to be seen as the "babies" of the family. Like any baby, they are coddled and given more free passes than the older daughters. In some families, this unequal treatment can cause conflict and competition among siblings, with questions like "Why does she get to have that?" or "But why didn't she get in trouble?" being thrown around in heated family discussions. Compared to the eldest daughter, who is raised to be other-centered, the youngest develops a carefree, childlike personality, becoming overly focused on themselves and their own needs.

How Eldest Daughter Syndrome Affects Eldest Daughters

It's important to state, and perhaps emphasize throughout the book, that being the eldest daughter is not all doom and gloom. Many of the distressing experiences that we will unpack are often interwoven with fun and uplifting experiences. If you think back to your childhood, you may be able to recall memories of being an adventurous, experimental, rebellious person or the social butterfly of the family, immersed in your reality and loving every moment of it. However, with that said, being the eldest daughter did still mean growing up faster than your siblings and peers.

Studies have suggested that eldest daughters tend to mature sooner, both emotionally and physically, compared to their siblings (Miller, 2024). This accelerated maturity can be attributed to the additional responsibilities they shoulder early on, such as being the co-caregiver, organizer, and protector of their siblings, which leads to a heightened sense of duty and self-worth that is tied to their ability to manage family roles effectively. To some extent, you may derive some sense of satisfaction and accomplishment from being the one that your family members can trust and rely on. But when there aren't proper boundaries enforced to regulate how much you pour into others, your responsibilities can start to feel burdensome.

Another unspoken challenge that many eldest daughters face is the pressure to always have a solution for problems that arise within their family or friendship groups, even when they aren't sure what to do. Think about yourself for a moment. How many times have you said, "If I don't fix it, who will?" Feeling like a superwoman has its perks; however, over time, the pressure to bring solutions to the table can take an emotional toll on you. This could be the internal chaos of juggling other people's problems, plus your own, and giving yourself a hard time for not thinking of workable solutions quickly enough.

In many societies, traditional gender roles impose certain expectations on eldest daughters that younger siblings are not held up to. These expectations are rooted in historical practices where eldest daughters were often seen as second-in-command to the mother. While modern society is slowly challenging these roles, the aftermath of such expectations still influences how many eldest daughters navigate relationships today.

For example, if you had to be the strong one in your family to physically, emotionally, or financially support your parents and siblings, you may play a motherly role in your friendships, romantic relationships, and work relationships even today. Everyone from your local barrister to your colleagues leans on you for moral support. With all the emotional labor you do daily, you have already put in the hours for being a life coach!

The dialogue around EDS highlights a compelling need for greater empathy and understanding within families. Recognizing and alleviating the pressures on eldest daughters can lead to healthier family dynamics and empower them to pursue their aspirations without the guilt or fear of letting their families down.

These discussions can also help parents of young children address roles and responsibility inequalities from an early age. Knowing the long-term impact of EDS on eldest daughters, they can intentionally create an environment where all children, regardless of birth order, feel equally supported and valued.

The journey toward understanding EDS is ongoing, with each discussion adding depth to our collective insight. Future chapters will dive deeper into specific aspects of EDS and explore strategies to manage its effects. This foundational understanding will help you better navigate your own experiences or support loved ones who identify with the eldest daughter role

Is Eldest Daughter Syndrome a Medical Condition?

EDS is not a medically acknowledged condition. As cited by Laurie Kramer, this syndrome is more of a colloquial term used casually in conversation rather than within the realms of medical or psychological diagnosis (Kayata, 2024).

The conception of EDS largely stems from anecdotal evidence rather than empirical studies. While it rings true for many eldest daughters who feel intense pressure to excel and manage family responsibilities, it lacks formal recognition. As a result of not being officially recognized, individual experiences can blur what causes EDS. For instance, diverse family structures and dynamics mean that not every first-born daughter will identify with the pressures associated with EDS. Some may find the weight of these responsibilities accentuated by cultural expectations, while others might thrive under similar circumstances without feeling overwhelmed.

Added to this, parenting styles can influence the likelihood of eldest daughters having EDS. For example, parents who are emotionally responsive and available to their children's needs may be mindful of how the family dynamics change with each child being brought into the family. They may involve their eldest children in some family planning conversations, allowing them to share their opinions and concerns about having younger siblings. When their siblings arrive, the parents may establish special times during the day when they bond with the eldest child to avoid making them feel left out or not a priority. Moreover, instead of all the responsibilities falling on the eldest child, the parents may distribute them to all the children according to their capabilities.

Middle children can also resonate with experiences similar to those described by EDS, which makes the notion that only eldest daughters face extraordinary family pressures far from accurate. Middle children's family roles often involve balancing between older and younger siblings, sometimes acting as peacemakers or negotiators within the family's complex social structure. These roles can lead to feelings of being overlooked or pressured to maintain harmony, illustrating that such challenges are not exclusive to eldest daughters.

Gender neutrality is another essential perspective to consider when discussing EDS. Eldest sons also encounter pressures similar to those attributed to EDS, which challenges the assumption that this phenomenon is exclusive to females. Eldest sons may equally bear the expectation of leadership, responsibility, and success within their families. The ideas of masculinity that are spread throughout our society add another layer, potentially increasing the burden on eldest sons to live up to both family and external expectations. Recognizing how, despite their birth order or gender, children can experience EDS allows for a more inclusive discussion about individual experiences within the family unit.

Therefore, instead of looking at EDS as a medical condition, it is more useful to see it as a social and psychological pattern that appears in some families and shape their interactions with each other.

You Know You're the Eldest Daughter When...

Being the eldest daughter in a family can often feel like being the CEO of an unruly startup. The role involves organizing, communicating, and problem-solving on a level that would make any corporate head proud. Yet, it's also filled with moments that are just plain humorous if you take a step back and look at them in a different light. Here are more unconventional ways to know if you have experienced EDS.

Organization

You know you're the eldest daughter when you take on the task of being the family organizer. You often find yourself in the role of the social director, meticulously planning family gatherings. Whether it's Thanksgiving dinner or a simple Sunday brunch, you morph into a seasoned event planner. It's not uncommon to see you juggling guest lists, dietary preferences, and seating arrangements like a pro. This role, however, comes with its perks. You get first dibs on important decisions such as menu choices and activity scheduling, subtly steering events to avoid your mother's infamous fruitcake or younger brother's karaoke disasters.

Communication

You know you're the eldest daughter when you serve as the communication hub. Imagine your parents being the board members who don't talk to employees directly, but rather, pass vital information through you, the CEO. Important updates, schedule changes, and the occasional sibling gossip flow through you as if you're operating the family switchboard. "Mom said to tell you dinner's at six," or "Dad wants you to come over on the weekend," become part of your regular vocabulary. The funny side? Sometimes, the messages get creatively "edited" or delayed to suit your convenience.

Conflict Resolution

You know you're the eldest daughter when you're called to be the referee in sibling conflicts. Picture yourself as a diplomat stationed among warring nations—that's how it feels when mediating sibling squabbles. Patience and diplomacy become second nature as you navigate through heated arguments about who's funding the next family road trip or who needs to apologize for making an offensive comment. In these moments, you channel inner peace, aiming to diffuse tension and restore harmony—often with a touch of humor. "Remember that time you argued over a Monopoly game and it almost led to World War III?" The ability to lighten the mood can defuse even the most intense standoffs, turning potential battles into shared laughs.

People Management

You know you're the eldest daughter when you carry a unique burden—the pressure to ensure everything runs smoothly in the family. It’s like being the engine room on a ship, constantly working behind the scenes to keep things on course. This responsibility can sometimes feel overwhelming. You might find yourself double-checking everyone's schedules, preemptively handling potential crises, and even feeling responsible for maintaining family relationships. The pressure can lead to moments of frustration and exhaustion, but it also fosters resilience and strength.

Role-Modeling

You know you're the eldest daughter when you feel the responsibility to be the perfect role model. Your parents often expect you to be the shining example, setting the standard for your younger siblings. There's humor in this too—like when you catch yourself giving life advice, sounding eerily similar to a TED Talk speaker, only to realize you're barely keeping it together yourself. However, recognizing these expectations can help you develop a compassionate perspective. Understanding and acknowledging your limits becomes crucial. You learn to accept that it’s okay not to have everything figured out and that asking for help doesn’t diminish your strength.

True empowerment comes from recognizing that your worth lies beyond the family roles assigned to you. Being the eldest daughter is not just about meeting expectations set by others but about valuing yourself and your contributions. This empowerment fuels a positive cycle, encouraging you to pursue your passions and dreams without being weighed down by family obligations.

Concluding Thoughts

Eldest Daughter Syndrome (EDS) is a complex phenomenon rooted in family dynamics, societal expectations, and cultural traditions. This chapter has explored how a viral TikTok video amplified the awareness of EDS, shedding light on the unique pressures eldest daughters face. We've also discussed how Alfred Adler's birth order theory explains the roles of siblings in a family and how being the eldest daughter presents unique childhood experiences.

In the next chapter, we look at the societal and family expectations that create an invisible burden, affecting their emotional well-being and life choices.