Introduction
In the Australian indigenous nation of the “Wirradjirri” people, the age for girls between puberty and late twenties is called the “wanai” age. During this time the grandmothers, mothers, and aunties make a commitment to support them on their journey to adulthood. This starts with a “wanai” ceremony and they develop into an adult by learning from the community lore/law. During the “wanai” years they are given the space to make mistakes and to grow without judgment. In these years they get valuable lessons from the elders.[i]
I was fortunate to grow up in a loving family with strong role models. My mother remembers my grandparents demonstrating their family values and standards with both their words and their actions. She knew what was expected of her as she developed into adulthood. They trusted her to make good decisions and were there for her during any difficult times. This was also my experience as a young boy and developing adult. Sometimes I didn’t make good decisions, but I knew what was expected of me, and my parents had my back and were there to support me. When I think about it, this is quite similar to how the “wanai” support their young as they develop into adulthood.
However, I know that this is not the experience in many households, especially as their children become young adults and are still living at home. Some parents may be happy (or not) that their child is still at home, but are unhappy about their adult child not doing enough chores within the home, and worry that the adult child is not taking enough steps to become more independent and responsible. There may be many arguments about these issues. They are not sure how to make changes to improve the situation.
Another element of growing into adulthood has traditionally been some form of initiation or rite of passage where the emerging woman or man had to undertake a test. In many countries today, either getting a job or going off to college is the main rite of passage from childhood to adulthood. For others it involves a “break year” between high school and college, during which the child travels the world on their own.
However, this trend is changing. In the United States, for the first time since the Great Depression, more young adults lived with their parents than not, according to a 2020 study by Pew Research Center[ii]. The biggest change was in the 18 to 24 age bracket with 71% living at home in July, 2020. One reason for this was the employment losses during that year. This group of the youngest adults were more likely to lose their jobs or pay. By 2022, half of emerging adults between the ages of 18 to 29 were still living at home.
This book addresses some of the issues that may have arisen due to these new circumstances. Do you and your adult child constantly argue about chores, finances, life decisions, and career decisions? Do they accuse you of not listening to them and not respecting their decisions? Are you worried that they are not taking enough steps to become more independent and responsible adults?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, then this book is for you! There may be many arguments about these issues, and you may not know how to make changes to improve the situation, but it is more than likely that both you and your adult child will benefit from setting and enforcing healthy boundaries.
Adult children have always lived at home for a variety of reasons, and in previous times this may have been three generations under one roof. This can be a wonderful opportunity for them to be back with the family and to learn from parents and grandparents. But it can also really test your boundaries!
Children sometimes move back home after college while they are looking for a job, or if they lost their job and could no longer afford to rent or pay a mortgage. Some come back home after a divorce and some never leave home because they are unable to find a job or are saving money to buy their own home.
Whatever the scenario, this growing trend can create several problems for parents, ranging from unexpected financial strain to stress caused by adult children flouting the parents' values and rules. Parents may also find that their relationships with their children deteriorate as they argue about chores, finances, life choices, and career decisions. The adult child accuses the parents of not listening to them.
Parents are unhappy that their adult child isn’t pulling their weight by simple commitments like chores. Parents are also often worried that their adult child is not taking enough steps to become more independent and responsible but are not sure how to make changes to improve the situation. They fall out because neither respects the other’s perspective. All this is why healthy boundaries are crucial.
Healthy boundaries empower you and improve relationships
Boundaries are limits you set around essential areas of life – emotional, mental, financial, practical – that require the other party to be considerate, respectful, and non-intrusive. Boundaries are literally like a fence that puts limits on how far your adult child can go. Sometimes this fence needs repairing.
I describe a healthy boundary as one where you are comfortable expressing what you need, and saying “no” where necessary, and you feel at peace with the outcome. Another condition of healthy boundaries is that your adult child is involved in a respectful conversation about the boundary and consequences and understands that it is important to you.
There are two main types of boundaries that may be needed between you and your adult child. The first involves them not living according to your family standards and values and therefore not becoming as responsible as you would like. Or they are not taking the steps to become independent that you would like them to. The second type of boundary that may be needed is where their actions impact you and cross your boundaries. This could include crossing your emotional boundaries, or physical boundaries, or financial boundaries, among others.
As we shall see, poor or non-existent boundaries lead to resentment, anger, and burnout. The good news is boundaries free you from these frustrations, help empower healthy relationships, and help you to find peace. Properly set, structured, and accepted, boundaries empower both parents and adult children. Author Melissa Urban describes it like this:
“Setting boundaries around the little things you overlook, brush off, or grudgingly tolerate can make the biggest difference in your life…Each one of these instances adds up to resentment, anger, frustration, and exhaustion… Imagine the only thing standing between you and that version of you is one or two sentences, spoken clearly and kindly."[iii]
Healthy boundaries support a better relationship between the parents and their adult child, as parents trust their young adult to make responsible decisions based on family values and standards.
Just as important, boundaries reduce blame and resentment. Healthy boundaries help ensure parents (and young adults) are mentally and emotionally stable. Other advantages for parents and children include more autonomy, a stronger identity, avoidance of burnout, and the capacity to influence other people’s behavior.
The advantage of your boundaries for your adult child is seeing them take positive steps into responsibility with appropriate support from you and other family members. However, it is normal for emerging adults to push against these standards, and this helps shape who they are. The research shows that setting boundaries is an important part of establishing one’s identity and is a crucial aspect of resilience and well-being. When parents set the example with their own behavior, their adult child learns about responsibility.
Boundaries give adult children an opportunity to thrive by providing a structure for healthy independence that gives them the wings to become responsible adults. In other words, they become empowered.
This book will help you set those boundaries, by providing informed and common-sense strategies for setting boundaries with your adult child. It provides practical measures based on psychology literature. The strategies provided in these pages are supported with stories of people’s experiences, as well as psychology-informed practical guidance on implementing these strategies. My premise is straightforward. I firmly believe that relationships must be built on respect and empathy, supported by healthy rules and boundaries.
Where this book about boundaries is different is that it is based on my experiences lecturing young adults at a university for 23 years, and of being a father to a 20-year-old son and a 15-year-old daughter. As an academic, I critically assess the psychology literature I read and compare this to my lived experiences engaging with hundreds of young adults over the last two decades. At the core of this book is the 9-Step EMPOWERED approach to setting boundaries with adult children that comes out of this long-term engagement with emerging adults as well as the latest psychology literature.
The keys to the EMPOWERED approach to setting boundaries are: (a) having mutual trust at the center of setting boundaries with your adult child, (b) taking responsibility for setting the boundaries you need, and (c) communicating respectfully about the boundaries needed. This book is unique because it provides a clear action plan for setting, communicating, and enforcing your boundaries. Each chapter includes exercises to help you work through the implementation of your action plan.
Even though the strategies and steps in this book are not centered around Christian principles, many religions and faiths have moral guidance and principles that are fundamental for creating strong families. I did grow up in a Christian family and my parents’ beliefs did inform our family values and rules to a certain degree. So, you may see some familiar thoughts as you read through the book.
Also as you read through, you will learn why boundaries are needed, as well as the steps for setting and maintaining healthy and empowered boundaries. This 9-Step strategy for EMPOWERED boundaries and healthy relationships is explored one chapter at a time:
1 Establish trust with your adult child
2 Make it your responsibility
3 Place responsible limits to behavior
4 Outline the action plan
5 Win-win communication
6 Enforce the boundary
7 Realize when you or your child needs support
8 Evaluate your boundary action plan
9 Do it again and again to become empowered
This book is intended for parents who are looking for help in resolving some of the issues that can occur with adult children. It provides respectful approaches to setting healthy boundaries for and with your adult children and supports you by providing strategies for setting boundaries. In addition to the 9-Step approach for EMPOWERED boundaries and healthy relationships the book also provides exercises that help you work through the 9 steps of setting and maintaining healthy and empowered boundaries.
Apart from ensuring parents’ peace of mind and well-being, boundaries are also intended to give adult children an opportunity to thrive by providing a structure for responsible independence. The 9-step EMPOWERED approach to setting boundaries will give them guideposts to become responsible adults. The emphasis is on “healthy” boundaries that are good for both the adult children and the parents. Healthy boundaries support a better relationship between the parents and their adult child, and your adult child taking positive steps into responsibility (with appropriate support from their parents).
One of the reasons I wrote this book was because it took me a long time to realize that I needed to be much better at setting boundaries. When I was younger, I really tried to avoid conflict and confrontation whenever possible. Of course, this is the opposite of setting boundaries, and so I was very poor at doing this. My family and students over two decades have challenged me in many ways by teaching me that boundaries are essential in any relationship, and how healthy boundaries bring you peace. They have also taught me that trust and boundaries and consequences are an essential part of the journey into adulthood. The EMPOWERED approach emphasizes common sense, compassion, and empathy for both parents and children.
Are you ready to learn strategies to “repair the fence” and find peace by setting boundaries with your adult children? As discussed earlier, setting boundaries is an important part of establishing one’s identity and supports resilience and well-being. Setting healthy boundaries with your adult children will empower you both. Let’s begin!
[i] Minmia (2007) Under the quandong tree, Quandong dreaming publishing, Mogo, NSW.
[ii] Fry, R., Passel, J.S., and Cohn, D. (2020, Sept 4). https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2020/09/04/a-majority-of-young-adults-in-the-u-s-live-with-their-parents-for-the-first-time-since-the-great-depression/.
[iii] Melissa Urban. (2022). The Book of Boundaries., Vermilion, London.
