You are blessed, and you are cursed. You are blessed because you have more control over your happiness than any other living creature. Yay! You are cursed for the same reason. Nay! Control sounds good in theory, but it’s a lot of responsibility.

Picture a kitten. It has it easy. It does not think to itself, “What should I be when I grow up?” When it grows up, it does not ponder spiritual cat questions like, “Is it true I have nine lives?” Nor does it worry about its image, wondering, “Do the others think I’m a cool cat?” Life is simpler for cats.

You are not a cat. You are a human. What complicates things is that you are not the only human. Not only do you have to deal with your own thoughts, feelings, and behavior—the good, the bad, and the ugly. But you must also put up with other humans' thoughts, feelings, and behavior. I know, right? And then there are the circumstances, inanimate objects, and other stuff that sometimes affect your happiness.

Life feels complicated because it is. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. But there are approaches to life that lead to happiness. One approach (let’s call it Approach-A) is to pick a purpose for your life, set your own goals and work hard to achieve them, focus on the people and interests that matter most to you, be kind and generous to others along the way, figure out a way to find inner peace, and then, abracadabra; you’ll be happy.

Approach-A sounds like a great way to achieve happiness, doesn’t it? Well, it’s not. People who follow that approach are weird. They have to think for themselves instead of following the crowd. They have to put in the effort to get the results they want. They have to do things they don’t feel like doing. They have to consider other people’s perspectives and not just their own. It’s way too hard to follow Approach-A.

You may want to consider a different path to achieving happiness (let’s call it Approach-EZ). It’s way easier. It’s the path most traveled by most people, most of the time. And you know most people are super happy, so obviously this approach works.

The theory behind Approach-EZ is that the simplest way to be happy is to always get your way. Failing that, you should at least be able to react to people and situations in whatever way comes naturally to you, given your personality. Under no circumstances should you have to adapt to others or to reality. Let others and reality adapt to you.

To achieve happiness via Approach-EZ, you must follow 100 simple rules. Each rule benefits you directly, indirectly, or not at all (no system is perfect). But taken collectively, the rules will lead to happiness because they take all the guesswork out of how to live your life. Bonus: Most of the rules require minimal effort.

Now, you may be tempted to stop reading before finishing the book because some rules may sound counterintuitive and/or contradict other rules. But that’s by design. The rules work in mysterious ways. ChatGPT told me that most readers abandon books after the first 25% to 50%. Don’t be a ChatGPT statistic. If you don’t read to the end, you’ll never discover the secret to a happy life. What a shame.

Also, F. Scott Fitzgerald said: “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposing ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.” If you’re a brainiac who can hold two opposing ideas in your mind at the same time, consider each rule as stated (Approach-EZ) and simultaneously consider the opposite of the rule (Approach-A). Since you’re a smarty-pants, you can follow the rules, flip the rules, create your own rules, or whatever. But everyone else should follow the rules.

Following are the 100 simple rules for a crappy—I mean happy—life. Give yourself 1 point for each rule you regularly follow. The goal is to score 100, but don’t feel bad if you fall short. You’re only human, after all.

Rule 1 - Cultivate indifference to things that don’t affect you

We all know there is injustice in the world, but what’s it to you? Does thinking about it make you happy? No. Does it affect your lifestyle? No. Does it make you money? No. Does it give you power? No. So why should you care? It’s not your fault that crime, terrorism, inequality, natural disasters, drug addiction, and homelessness exist. You didn’t do it. So, when you hear about tragedies on the news, change the channel. Compassion is not entertaining. It can make you sad and cost you time and money if it prompts you to make donations. Of course, you also don’t want to feel guilty, so it’s best to feel nothing at all. Just ask an anesthesiologist.

Rule 2 - Be impatient when you want something

Good things come to those who wait, but they come faster to those who don’t wait. And why should you have to wait on other people? As if what’s going on in their lives is as important as what’s going on in yours. Contrary to popular belief, patience is not a virtue. That’s just an old wives’ tale started by old wives. Patience is a vice. Have you ever noticed that “patience” and “patients” sound alike? That’s because patients who practice patience die before the physician gets around to seeing them. Impatience is the true virtue. An impatient patient will ring their call button so frequently that the nurses will beg the physician to put them at the top of the list. And that, my friend, is why you should be impatient. It saves lives.

Rule 3 - Act on your feelings of jealousy

Some may call jealousy the green-eyed monster as if that’s bad, but they’ve clearly never seen a Disney Pixar movie. Green-eyed monsters are adorable. And you should give in to feelings of jealousy even if you have brown or blue eyes. Jealousy is nature’s way of saying, “Houston, we have a problem.” You wouldn’t feel jealous unless someone has, or is trying to take, something that’s rightfully yours. Acting on your jealousy is just righting a wrong so you can get back to your happy place. So if you see your boyfriend Ken talking to his “friend” Barbie, go ahead and slash his tires and burn down her Malibu house. Her place is probably insured, and he’ll think it’s sweet you care enough to fight for him.

Excerpted from the M.S. Word version of Crappy Advice for a Happy Life. The ebook, paperback & hardcover contain interior design elements not present in this excerpt.