Have you ever had that moment when you lean in for a first kiss and butterflies explode in your stomach, because you really, really like the guy? He’s funny, cute, smart, has a great job, and he’s really in to you.
And when your lips touch…
Zilch. Nada. Niente.
You feel nothing.
Oh God, this is really, really, bad. So bad I start thinking about random things, like if I left my straightening iron on, or if I remembered to record The Bachelor. The kiss that’s barely a kiss is so bland and bad, it feels like I’m kissing my brother.
Cue the vomit.
It’s so awful, when his slimy little tongue tries to break apart my sealed Fort Knox lips, I reflexively lift my knee up to his groin. Abort, abort!
I push back from Ethan, my nose crinkling in disgust and disappointment. His smirk tells me he thinks he’s a pretty badass Romeo. I try to smile back, but I’m pretty sure I just threw up a little in my mouth.
I look into his twinkling, golden-brown eyes, his perfect, square jaw, his sexy smile… Dang it, should I try again? I quickly peruse his face one more time. The answer is no. No, I should not.
It’s like I’m looking at him in a whole new light. He’s still a good-looking guy, but I no longer have the desire to jump in bed with him. Not that I would on the first date. I mean, we could get handsy for sure, but I’m not a let’s-sleep-together-on-the-first-date kind of girl…at least, not with Ethan.
I run my fingers through my hair, preventing him from leaning in for a second kiss. All I want is to go home and get in my jammies. Another failed date that I’ll have to rehash with my best friend in the morning.
“Listen, Ethan. I, um, had a great time tonight, but I have to wake up super early for a meeting in the morning. I’m just going to call an Uber and go home. I hope you understand.”
I quickly take my phone out of my coat pocket and stare at the black screen. I try to swipe up, waiting for my password entry to appear. Nothing. I swipe at the blackness a hundred more times, and then I shake it like an eight ball, hoping it will magically come to life.
Shit, it’s dead.
“Oh, oh yeah, totally. I’ll ride with you.” He quickly taps open the app.
“No!” I yell a little too loudly, a little desperately. “I mean, I, uh, I live in the opposite direction, it would be really inconvenient for you.”
I do not want a continuation of the worst make-out session I’ve ever participated in, or for him to try and cop a feel in the back of the Uber. My karate moves are less than stellar.
“I already punched it in my phone. It’s no big deal. It’s done. He’ll be here in a minute.” He smiles confidently as he slides his phone back in his coat pocket. His self-assured demeanor I found attractive about an hour ago now grates on my nerves.
“Ha. Okay, great,” I murmur weakly as I look anywhere but at him. Shit, shit, shit.
He leans into me and the scent of his cologne tightens my throat, suffocating me. His perfectly gelled hair and cocky smile make my eyeballs twitch. “Listen, I really like you and would like to start dating exclusively.”
“Oh, um…wow,” I squeak as I press my hand against his chest to prevent him from getting any closer. “I’m, um… I’m not sure what to say. I mean, we’ve only had one date.”
“Well, when you know, you know, right?” He smirks as he leans into my neck.
Is he sniffing me?
I cross my arms, taking a step back and glance up and down the empty street hoping the Uber driver screams in on two wheels, running me over at this very moment.
I crane my neck. Nope, no Uber driver in sight. Still alive.
Just Ethan invading my personal space, giving me the creeps.
“Look, Ethan, I’m just not looking for anything serious right now. You’re great, but I just—”
“Seriously, Kiki? Fucking unbelievable! You’re breaking up with me?” he huffs as I take another step back.
“Technically, one date doesn’t mean we were dating,” I mumble as Ethan shoots daggers at me. Gone is the overly charming smile—in its place a sour grimace. Just then, the Uber driver pulls up to the curb.
“Really? Couldn’t have arrived two minutes ago?” I mutter under my breath. I start forward to get in to the car.
Ethan grabs my arm and pulls me back. “Get your own ride,” he snarls as he slides in and slams the door. The Uber driver rolls down his passenger window, looking at me with a mixture of pity and amusement.
Ethan is on his phone pretending like I don’t exist.
“Just go,” I say miserably. “Oh hey, wait! Can you come back and get me?” The driver nods and they quickly take off, leaving me on the curb.
And…it starts to rain.
Just fucking great.