“The only constant in life is change.” Heraclitus

It was a cold winter morning when I hit my first major face-off with fear. I woke up ready to do my first presentation in Norwegian, and I remember it like it was yesterday. The sky was black at 2 in the afternoon. Wool undergarments were a gentle reminder of what it felt like to be cozy in a warm apartment. It was just as busy on the train as if it were a summer day. As my Norwegian friends would say, “There is no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothes.” I wish they’d in[1]formed my hands and feet.

On this day, I was ready to conquer my fear. “I’m going to do this,” I said to myself. “This is the presentation that will springboard me into a thriving career in my new country.” It was my opportunity to present the results of a girl’s group I had facilitated for several months. I was hoping to expand my role and eventually secure a paid, full-time job.

Shortly after I arrived, the meeting attendees gathered. I tried to engage in conversations, but the butterflies beat their wings like a hummingbird migrating southward in the fall. I was nervous!

The meeting was called to order, and I was up. I started by introducing myself and continued through the presentation in my newly learned language. Committed to doing my best, I finished with no major fumbles. “OMG, I did it, “was all I could think…and then I saw movement in the audience and thought, “Wait, why is she putting her hand up?” I was not prepared for a Q & A session. “OK, I got this,” I ❁ thought, “how hard can it be?”

“Yes?” I said to the lady who had raised her hand. She asked a question in Norwegian, and to my surprise, I understood it and knew exactly how to answer it—in English!

The palms of my hands broke out in sweat as I tried to be quick about translating. “Come on, brain.” My thoughts chugged along like a train backfiring smoke as it made its way up a mountain it could barely traverse. Finally, I answered—in English! I had not learned to speak about psychology and mental health in Norwegian.

Feedback started right after the meeting. One person, who happened to be an immigrant like me, told me I’d done a great job. Several other people gave me encouragement. But there was one specific per[1]son I was waiting on to give me feedback, and it was the one person I needed to impress at this meeting.

“You are not learning Norwegian fast enough for me.” Shadows appeared before my eyes as she continued, “You used English to answer most of the questions.”

The day quickly became night, sunshine turned to rain. I was shattered, crushed, defeated. I was living a nightmare.

When I was finally alone, tears streaked my cheeks as I reflected on her words. Then I made a declaration, “I will never speak in my newly learned language again.” I mentally packed up what I had learned and placed it nice and neat in a chest in my mind. I wrapped the chest in steel chains and placed a lock on it, a lock that was bigger than the chest itself. KEEP OUT was what the lock represented. My emotions were not allowed to go there.

But every now and then, an emotion would try to escape from the locked chest. I experienced panic attacks when people spoke to me in Norwegian. Even if I understood what was being said, my nerves wouldn’t allow me to process the intended message or respond. My heart would beat fast. I am sure my face went flush each time. I started to think I was too old and not smart enough to learn a new language.

Luckily, I found a job that allowed me to speak in English. For the next year and a half, I relaxed, protected from being triggered by the 20 pressure to speak a new language.

Things changed in 2017.I was a mentor in a non-profit mentoring program, and in one of the face-to-face meetings with my mentee, I shared my story. She responded with, “Ah, get over it and start over.” Those words were the slap I needed to wake up from the trance that started on October 31, 2015.

New strength arose in me that day. The dark clouds dissipated, and I decided to stop licking my wounds and start over. I made this commitment: “I will speak, read, and write well in my newly learned language. I will also find a job where I can speak the language every day.”

I asked myself, “Is this commitment the end of my expat night[1]mare? Or, is it the scene in the movie ‘Friday the 13th’ where Jason kept coming back? “And I discovered that no, this was definitely not the last challenge and fear I’d face, but I was ready for positive change.

The Inevitability of Change

For eons, humans have endured change. The quote below, by a Chinese philosopher who lived in China during the sixth century, recognizes an important truth about it:

Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes.

Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow.

Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.

Lao Tzu

Change is a part of life.

Change and transitions open the opportunity for growth and allow you to reach your goals and full potential. Yet, even with this knowledge, you’ll often find it uncomfortable to face change, especially if it is unexpected and unwanted. It might interest you to know that there are ways you can move through change and transitions as smoothly as possible with decreased emotional distress. To do this, you need to know the difference between change and transition.

The Difference between Change and Transition

Although many people use the terms “change” and “transition” inter[1]changeably, these two terms have some critical differences. Change refers to a specific external event or situation such as losing a job, having a child, a big move, or losing a loved one. Most people remember a change because it is situational and represents an event that is usually sudden. These change-events can be positive, negative, or a bit of both. Still, they are memorable.

On the other hand, a transition is not linear or concrete. A transition is your inner psychological process that responds to the change. A change triggers transition. A transition involves a constellation of feelings, thoughts, and emotions you move through in response to a change. You must redefine yourself after a big change that influences your sense of self and your place in the world. To move through a transition effectively, you must be willing to dig deeper and see how the change has impacted both your inner self and your external roles.

In 2013, I was excited about the change that involved moving to a new country with my husband. His friends told me that it would be easy and that once I learned the language, my education and experience would make room for me in society.

I researched questions like: What was the climate like? What type of clothing should I bring? How did the language sound? I started to listen to the language. I read the book by Carolyn Vines, Black and Abroad: Traveling Beyond the Limitations of Identity, to get some ideas of what it might be like for me. I thought I was prepared, and physically, I was. Yet nothing prepared me for the emotional response to this change that was exciting and scary at the same time, or that the transition would change me and my life forever.

I looked at the transition model created by William Bridges in his book, Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes, culture shock models, cultural dimensions, and many other studies and reviews that helped me make sense of what was happening to me. I compared these models to my journey and the stories I heard from others. I learned about the different transition stages, and I could see the stages of my transition in these models.

It is helpful to know the different stages of a transition as you integrate change and transition into your life in a healthy way. I’ll show you how three transition stages played out for me, and as you read, feel free to adjust these models to fit your journey through change and transition.

Transition Stages

There are three stages of transition that I’ve labeled as “Bye Bye,” The Desert, or No Man’s Land,” and “Authentigrate: New Beginning.”

Bye Bye

This aspect of transition represents the ending of something. Identity is lost, even if but for a moment, and one is forced to let it go without completely knowing what comes next. No matter how positive the change is—a new baby, new job, new house—it always involves grief, and this is what often throws people off. Our society does not know how to grieve, to take time to process the emotions associated with an ending. When it comes to a positive change such as a big move or a promotion, one might be confused about why they are struggling and not just happy right away. People want to jump from the ending to the new beginning without acknowledging the grief and honoring the transition process. Many people don’t do this because they have no idea they are supposed to. They just feel stuck and often experience some shame and guilt for not being happy with the new ‘positive’ change.

Have you experienced this before? Have you experienced a big change in your life but felt lost the minute you moved into the transition? Unsure? Uncomfortable? When you thought you would be so happy? How did you move through these emotions? Did you resist them or acknowledge them?

Often, we resist these emotions, which only makes them persist. We believe (often unconsciously) that if we let them in, they will consume us, and we will never be able to shut the door. Sound familiar? The opposite, however, is true; the resistance makes them persist and become all-consuming. Feelings and emotions will move through you if you let them do so with self-compassion.

So, how do we honor the first stage of a transition without getting stuck? We make room for our emotions and allow time to grieve. We need to approach the situation intentionally and prepared to be emotionally vulnerable. Put a name on what you are feeling. Acknowledge that you could be completely excited one day, and another day, you feel like you made the worst mistake ever.

Performing a ritual is one great way to make room for our grief and process the thoughts, emotions, and behaviors of letting go. “A ritual is a patterned, repetitive, and symbolic enactment of a cultural belief or value.” Rituals are commonly thought of as religious, but they can enact secular beliefs and values as effectively as religious ones. They represent a process that helps you connect with your authentic self and prepares you for the next stage of your journey. As humans, we all have little rituals built into our daily lives that often support us in restoring ourselves. These include daily routines and habits that help us feel connected and give us a sense of purpose.

Our mind loves rituals because they can help us move through the process of letting go. I am sure you have heard of “rites of passage” rituals. These exist universally in different cultures across the globe and serve as a way to mark major life events. Rituals offer a space for trans[1]formation, when we move from before to after, of letting go of parts of ourselves as we move into a new stage of our life.

A ritual will help you take responsibility for the direction and purpose of your life. It is a way for you to feel in control of a situation. Feel free to creatively choose a ritual that is uniquely special and meaningful to you. One of the most important parts of a ritual is taking the time and having the intention to do it. The ritual is only powerful when you attach significance to it; therefore, put some effort into your ritual. Block off some time, and even light some candles. You can write a goodbye letter to your old identity, or anyone or anything else, as you move into a new stage of your life, honoring the parts that supported you in the past. You could have a funeral for the old you, which will signify you are letting go of your identity, or maybe a relationship, friend, job, home, etc. You could get really creative and design a piece of art or write a piece of music that honors the parts of yourself that you are letting go of while acknowledging the emotions and thoughts you are experiencing. Although you are always complete and whole, parts of you can often be transformed. Whatever you choose to do for your ritual, allow yourself to feel what you need to feel, move how you want to move, and say whatever you need to say. You will know you have started the process of transition and transformation when you know you have given yourself the time and space to acknowledge and process the emotions brought up by the change. When we don’t take this time, these emotions can haunt us.

You might need to do this process a couple of times as you move through your transition, but know you have the tools and skills to do it. Take note that the stages are not linear. You might not experience them in this order, and you might need to revisit one or more often. It’s more like a slippery slope.

The Desert, or No Man’s Land

This is the in-between zone where you begin to let go of your old roles, pieces of your identity, and relationships, but have yet to step into the new beginning. You have not yet found your footing. Many people find it very uncomfortable to sit in the unknown. It can feel barren, dry, and lonely…like a desert. While worrying that you might not get out of that place, you might fret, resist, and panic. Doing those things only make it worse. Here’s an example: I have a friend who is a scuba instructor. He told me of a time when he was training someone who panicked mid-dive. He had to knock the person out so that they both didn’t drown. Once the person was still, he was able to bring him to the surface, and they both lived. When you fret, resist, or panic it could cause you to ‘drown.’

Knowing that this is just part of the transition helps you be more compassionate with yourself. Do what you need to do to relax on your journey through this No Man’s Land. Don’t worry; it’s not a place where you will permanently live. It is only a time for you to build the next stage of your life. Learning to relax here and be OK with the uncertainty of this stage can help you build a solid foundation for your future.

Remember, the world is your oyster.

Reframe your anxiety and uncertainty and turn them into curiosity and compassion. Take the time to piece together the things that light you up in life. Try new things, meet new people, push yourself past your fear, and see this as an opportunity to create something beautiful. You are the author of your life, and it is through navigating this transition that you can create a foundation where you’ll flourish and thrive.

Relax and move into each present moment. Life is happening now. The more you can be in it, the quicker you will move on to the new beginning.

Authentigrate: New Beginning

This stage signals the successful transition into the new and improved you! It’s marked by feelings of grounding that bring a new energy to help you move in your fresh identity and be unapologetically you. Parts of yourself are always present, no matter the stage of life you are in. When you move through a successful transition, you become more of who you really are and connect more deeply with your authentic self—you align with your true purpose and passion. At the start of a new beginning, you’ll feel established in your new roles and routines. You feel renewed. As you grow and move forward, you might experience another change that could trigger a transition. But if it happens, 26 you will know to honor the process of growth and further self-discovery. Just as the seasons change, so do you. Learning to flow with the process and embrace the ever-unfolding pattern of life is key in allowing you to truly thrive and Authentigrate.

Reflections

The following questions are meant to help you gain perspective on a change you are facing.

1. What change are you anticipating within the next few months?

2. What can you do to prepare for the change?

3. What emotions do you imagine encountering along the way?

4. How do you see yourself on the other side