Before We Begin
WHY IS GRANDMA NAKED?
CARING FOR YOUR AGING PARENT
ELLEN POBER RITTBERG
Copyright © 2021 Ellen Pober Rittberg
All rights reserved.
Library of Congress Control Number: 2021901001
ISBN 978-0-578-82862-6 (paperback) ISBN 978-0-578-84729-0 (ebook)
This is a book of humor. The information contained in this book is for discussion only. Nothing contained herein intends to be or is purported to be legal, medical, educational, psychological or any other form of advice. Before taking any action related to a person’s mental or physical health or welfare, you should seek the help of professionals as you deem necessary.
This book is dedicated to the memory of my mother, a great, dignified lady who I was blessed to live with for her final six years. If she was still alive, I’m fairly certain she’d be mortified that I’m sharing these strange-but-true examples from her life but after the initial shock, I know she’d approve. She was always proud of my accomplishments and supportive of my writing. And if I feel a pang of guilt, I’ll tell my adult children to feel free to write a weird-but-true humorous self-help book about me. Lord knows, they already have plenty of material and I don’t even think I’ve begun to decline. But then, again, I wouldn’t necessarily know, would I?
INTRODUCTION
“Not now.” “What difference does it make?” “Leave me alone!” Sound familiar? It should. It’s Elderspeak. Part trash talk, part teenage lingo, part Esperanto, it’s the opposite of whatever you want your elderly parent to do. For example: Mom is overdue for a bathroom visit and you urgently (pun intended) need her to go. Or you’ve told Dad that his nasal canal is not the New York Finger Lakes, and you get . . . nothing, nada, or one of the above phrases.
This book is for anyone close, kind and responsible enough to step in to do the large, commendable thing that is the subject of this book: caring for a declining loved one. And please note: when I use the word “parent,” I mean your mother, father, spouse, sibling, grandparent, great-grandparent, aunt, uncle, cousin, close friend, neighbor or any other human significant other. My street cred, if you will, is that I moved in to care for my mother when she began to decline and I remained there “in the trenches” so to speak for six years. For those who like reading author’s backstories, I refer the reader to the back of this book. To save you the trouble: it details how, among other things, I became a better person while at the same time becoming a socially stalled adult.
In this book, I share what worked for me. I attempt to activate your funny bone when you’ve forgotten you had one. I also suggest what skills you need to master such as learning not to cringe. If you’re starting late in the game, no worries. Hop on board. It’s never too late to do the right thing.
As to the organization of this book: to paraphrase Oscar Hammerstein (I happen to be a Broadway junkie), let’s start with the letter A! And please don’t call me out if you see the same letter more than once. No, those chapters aren’t about vitamins. I figure, if New York City has a 61⁄2 Street, I can have a C2 or D3. But there’s no chapter that starts with the letter Z. I couldn’t think of any z words except zzzzz, which describes elderly parents’ talent at falling asleep at the drop of a hat unless, of course, it’s nighttime.
Please note: I do not profess to be an expert. I hold no degrees in gerontology, psychology or any other “ology.” I share what I came to know as a daughter, layperson and caregiver/planner/chief decision maker. Going into this gig, I did have one small advantage: I’d had extensive contact with many senior citizens and the professionals who cared for them as part of my job. But that didn’t help at all when I was dealing with my own parent.
Watching a parent age, decline, and fade daily and up close is humbling and sometimes even depressing. Looking back, I realized those many funny, memorable moments were worth sharing. Having my mother remain at home for the final phase of her life was well worth it for both of us. I also know I couldn’t have done it without putting the necessary supports in place.
Each parent’s course of aging is different, but there are many common threads. I have attempted to draw them together here. And please note: This book offers no advice—legal or otherwise. My use of the imperative voice, “do and be,” are used for comedic effect. I share what worked for me and what didn’t. This is the book I wish I had while going through those often-fraught years.
Shall we begin? Yes, let’s!
I suggest viewing your life as a road. You are the driver and the navigator. (Or is it that your parent is the car and you are the road? Whatever. Alas, I never took an advanced metaphor course!) At first, the road will have no signs and will be as dark as the plague in the Moses story. So, baseline, going in you should know it’s hard caring for an elderly parent. To succeed, you need to have rock-solid commitment and flexibility. But the good news is, the job doesn’t require a high IQ or any advanced skills. It requires heart.
And a cautionary note: if you think your life will be a wild, wacky improvised jaunt like those road-trip-with-declining-dad movies, I say no. BIG NO. If you haven’t seen such a movie, please don’t.
This book is the same genre as my previous humorous self-help book, 35 Things Your Teen Won’t Tell You, So I Will (Turner Publishing). I’d be lying if I said that being interviewed on television and digital and print media and Reader’s Digest asking me to write a piece wasn’t thrilling. (Alas, my fragile ego compels me once a year to google my name.) Okay, fine, yes, so maybe it’s more than once a year.
Skip around if you wish. And please, laugh at the funny parts: preferably out loud and in a public place—it’s a good advertisement. And lastly, I offer you a hearty, heartfelt cheer: You, yes, you can do this. Your efforts, even the well-intentioned failures, are commendable and worthy of admiration.
Please note: Regarding pronouns, sometimes I use he, she, her, him, they or them and it may not necessarily mean I am speaking about just one parent. Never having been a grammar nerd, I never much bought into the term “pronoun-verb agreement.”
ABOUT OUR PARENTS’ GENERATION: SOME GENERAL POINTERS
1. Some of our parents had what used to be called “deprived childhoods.” If you are unsure what that means, think of a Charles Dickens chimney sweep but eliminate the chimney. Then, gaze out to some far-off place when your mom slides the entire contents of a restaurant wicker basket of Melba Toast into her purse.
2. Even if your parents were as emotionally closed off as Fort Knox, when they decline, all their issues, all their stuff, comes out...and the form it takes is weirdness.
3. “Putitbackontheshelf, Dad. It’s not free,”is a new rote phrase I suggest you memorize. Un-empathetic types may regard taking other’s belongings as flagrant theft. Which is why having an attorney’s phone number handy whenever your parent is near merchandise that is not locked up, nailed down or adequately secured makes sense. But, hey, look, the good news is: it’s not like Mom or Dad have suddenly embraced Communism.
4. If your parents could have taught a master class, “Parenting Without Visible Displays of Affection,” and you now think they will suddenly turn all kinds of warm and fuzzy, to use a popular Brooklynism: fuhgeddaboutit. My family members’ repeated attempts to kiss or hug Mom were met with “Don’t kiss me. I have a cold.” This led to a standard warning given to all future family members: “Don’t touch Mom/Grandma!” I’m convinced Mom would have won the Guinness Book of World Records for Person Whose Cold Lasted the Longest if there was such a category. (Hey, they have a category for the Person Whose Hiccups Lasted the Longest. So why not?)
5. If, prior to their decline, your parent liked to play musical tables and chairs in restaurants (asking to change tables after your party was seated), there’s good news: now your parent will be fine wherever the host or hostess puts you. But now it’s you who’s requesting the change because you’re worried Mom or Dad will catch a draft.
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AND A BRIEF DESCRIPTION OF MY MOM BEFORE HER DECLINE
Since I use Mom for almost every example I give, herein is the CliffsNotes version of Mom:
A motherless child, Mom learned early on not to make waves. She rarely gave unsolicited opinions, and she was extremely secretive. If I told her about a conversation I had and she felt the other person learned more about me than I learned about them, I was a chump and a blabbermouth. Mom may have been a housewife, but I’m convinced she missed her calling as a CIA or MI-5 operative. You know that line in Casablanca (or some other old movie) where Peter Lorre says, “I know nothing!” (actually, he said, “I know naaaaah-thing”)? That was Mom’s family credo, or, “Loose lips sink ships.”
Because of Mom’s early difficult life, she was stoic and hard to read. Once I accidentally closed the car door on her hand, and she did not even flinch. Although she wasn’t a betting woman, she’d mastered an essential gambler’s trick: the poker face. Mom was forever telling me to “Smile only with your mouth, like Greta Garbo.” To which I responded, “Mom, Greta Garbo became a recluse when she aged.” Not surprisingly, Mom looked decades younger than her age. And I don’t.
Mom had trouble smiling naturally, even when posing for fam- ily photographs. Before one of my children’s weddings, I had to beg her to smile naturally (or more accurately, I coerced her, saying, “Mom, you’re going to ruin the pictures if you smile like Joker!”). The strange thing is, Mom wasn’t an unhappy person. In her early eighties, Mom lost a considerable amount of weight, “after the doc- tor gave me a scare,” and she became a fashion plate of sorts, wear- ing tastefully embellished sweaters and denim outfits even into her nineties. Strangers would stop us on the street and in restaurants to say how beautiful Mom was.
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A world traveler who loved exploring new cultures, Mom enjoyed cruising to far-off places such as Ushuaia. (And FYI: Ushuaia is the south- ernmost city in the world. Yeah. I hadn’t heard of it either.) At age eighty-nine, Mom rafted down the Snake River despite not knowing how to swim. (True, there were only baby currents in that part of the river. But still!)
A voracious reader, Mom enjoyed sharing what she knew, but only if she was asked to. And there’s one thing I still can’t figure out: although she didn’t subscribe to newspapers, didn’t use a computer or own an android or iphone, she was always the first person to tell me about breaking news!
TO KNOW: STRESS AND ANXIETY COME WITH THE TERRITORY
Rich or poor, city dweller, suburban dweller, exurban dweller, cave dweller: dealing with your aging diminished parent is stressful and sometimes, flat-out scary. And unless you are a Zen master or a totally chill, Type B personality, there will be moments that approximate the hapless victims in Alfred Hitchcock movies. (For those in need of a visual aid, I refer you to the movie poster for the movie Vertigo where the figure is upside down and spinning.) The good news is, your stress level will diminish (until the next crisis, that is).
So, sit back or walk, stream something funny, visit a dog park even if you don’t have a dog, get a massage, or do whatever helps you to de-stress. And smile because caring for your parent will make you a better person even if you thought you were already a good person. And consider this: for centuries, adult children across our planet have cared for their elderly parents (except in those cultures where they believed leaving Mom or Pop on a mountainside to be consumed by wolves or other local beasts was a viable plan).
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AND A BRIEF WORD ABOUT A POSITIVE TREND
There is a social movement called Aging in Place, the aim of which is to keep elderly parents in their homes. This makes perfect sense. Most of our parents don’t want to leave what is known and familiar. The good news is, some municipalities have programs to en- courage that. However, to successfully age in place, there must be a solid support system and serious financial numbers-crunching. And for many people, it still isn’t feasible.
A REALITY CHECK MAY BE IN ORDER. I KNOW I NEEDED ONE
I’m a Baby Boomer. Because some of us erroneously believe we ducked the aging bullet, we can be ridiculously unrealistic about what we are capable of doing, energy-wise. But then we get a reality check. Parts of our bodies wear out or break down. (Thank you, bionic hip!) and we discover it takes longer than expected to heal and get back to snuff (whatever snuff is). None of us have the same energy we had in our twenties, even if our grown children describe us as Energizer Bunnies.
In my case, when Mom began to decline, I did every single thing that needed doing alone and I continued to, for a long period of time. Foolishly.
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Chapter 1
A: BE THE ALPHA DOG
Whether you live with your aging parent or not, you need to be in the driver’s seat (even if you don’t drive). From Day One, develop an ap- propriately authoritative, booming voice. Think James Earl Jones. Think a five-star general (same thing). Be that Alpha Dog. If you choose to do this (strains of Mission Impossible should play here), you’ll have the unenvi- able job of telling Mom what she can and can’t do. There is one caveat, though: if her judgment is still largely intact, she may challenge your Alpha Dog status and fight to have someone more Gummy Bear-like replace you. And if there is no Alpha Dog, chaos will set in. Guaranteed.
Chances are, in the beginning of her decline, she’ll tell you what to do, and you may actually do it—even though it makes no sense. After all, she is your parent. Respect may at first motivate acceding to your parent’s wishes, however ridiculous. But you must come to your senses. Developing dictatorial tendencies is a must. Once you bark out enough commands, it will become second nature, and you’ll have little or no angst, agita, or guilt over the New You. In short: Become a Parent Whisperer without the whisper.
TO KNOW: THE BLOWBACK WILL COME
If you tell Mom what she can and cannot do, she will give you a what-for, even if she didn’t previously major in Sarcasm 101. If your parent is very unhappy with your dictates, she may insult you and point out your character deficiencies (all of which you are aware of and may still be working on). If your parents weren’t The Compatible Couple of the Century, she will tell you that you are just like the other parent.
It is strongly recommended that you don’t debate the issue. Even if the insults hit the mark (ouch!), consider it water off a duck’s back and paddle on. No one wants someone else to be master of his or her ship/car/shower, least of all one’s adult child, with whom there is A History.
TO KNOW: YOUR PARENTS ARE LIKE TODDLERS
Your parents are just like toddlers. How so, you may ask?
a. They become increasingly more and more blithe and indifferent about their safety, proper conduct, regular hygiene and the rules of etiquette.
b. They do not like having boundaries set because they think they are in charge. Allowing them to hold fast to certain false beliefs and fantasies to the greatest extent without putting them in harm’s way is highly recommended.
c. They will raise their voices and scream. The only difference being, unlike toddlers, they will not temporarily turn blue un- less they have breathing issues.
AN EXAMPLE
You tell your parent to go to the bathroom. He adamantly refuses. If you insist, he will get annoyed. If you don’t insist, to use the
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WHY IS GRANDMA NAKED?
vulgar vernacular: s—happens. So, insist, order and demand. And prepare to deal with the flak. If you are sufficiently stern and insistent, he may comply with your request in a time-bound way. And time is of the essence.
Ironically, Mom’s favorite quotation was, “Always visit the bath- room when arriving at a destination and when leaving.” She learned that from reading Katharine Hepburn’s autobiography—Katharine’s father was a urologist. (Mom loved reciting her favorite movie stars’ pearls of wisdom.) To this day, I’m not sure if Mom’s (mostly) near- miss bathroom experiences were because of her declining memory or because she’d always been late to everything! But know: digging in your heels will help you maintain successful Alpha Dog status.
TO REITERATE: USE THE IMPERATIVE FORM OF ADDRESS
Insisting and commanding are not the same as cajoling, which works as well as wearing unlined kid gloves in subzero weather. When you need your parent to do something, your sentences should be short and clipped and your voice quality should most closely resemble a puppy trainer’s. Use one of the following words: go, do or don’t. Folding your arms and cultivating a sufficiently grim demeanor helps too. But don’t use phrases like pretty please with sugar on top. If you do, it will lower the likelihood of being complied with.
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