Act One:
PRELUDE:
Two trailer parks, both alike in filthy rabble,
Here in Verona, Indiana, we recite our sad, sad sonnet. Ancient feuds birth up a new squabble,
As we proceed, redneck blood is spilled upon it.
From forth the loins of these two hillbilly clans,
A pair of dew-eyed teens risk their own lifes; Whose miseased passions and dislayed plans,
Do with their woe squelch long-smolderin’ strifes.
These yunguns’ love, so brief and deadly, Marred by fisticuffs and unwise sages, T’was a mournful tune, a moanful medley, As you shall see in the next few pages.
If thine eyes can attend to such cursed afflictions, These rubes might amend their worst derelictions.
ACT I.
SCENE I. Verona County 4-H Fairgrounds.
Enter CODY and DUANE, of the house of Crapulet.
CODY
Duane, I say, we shan’t suffer any shite today.
DUANE
Aye. No suffering shite.
We shan’t by day and shan’t by night.
CODY
Shite would make me shirty.
And then my hands would soon be dirty.
DUANE
Shirty hands besmirched by shite?
CODY
No. Bloodied hands, if moved to fight.
DUANE
Now don’t go poundin’ on fellas in haste.
CODY
Better thump on a fool than be disgraced.
DUANE
So if a Mountafoo would to step to you, it would be fisticuffs?
CODY
Shoot, I’d leave them fools with more’n measly scrapes and scuffs.
DUANE
They’s some ugly sumbitches. Death’d be doin’ them a favor.
CODY
Dead Mountafoo men? That’s sumpthin’ I could savor.
DUANE
And their women folk?
CODY
Well, that there’s a different flavor.
DUANE
Dude! Them ladies is practically our cousins!
CODY
Yeah, they may be cousins but they’re sexy little lasses. Ya tell me y’ain’t never glanced at them fine little-
DUANE
Glasses. I done lost ‘em. So, nah. I ain’t never.
CODY
Well, you should endeavor.
‘Sides, thumpin’ those rumps? That could be pleasin.’
DUANE
Skeezin’ on cousins? That’s akin to treason!
CODY
Sexin’ on your kin folk ain’t akin to treason.
And you shouldn’t be abstainin’ without a good reason.
DUANE
Our cousins are comely,
I see where you’re headin.’
CODY
Some comely. Some homely. But all are worth beddin.’
DUANE
If bedded by you, sir?
I’d hear them complainin.’
CODY
This is untrue sir!
I’d hear you explainin.’
DUANE
Your little trencher can’t quench those wenches’ trenches. Those hoes,’ once furrows hoed by you, t’would be sure to raise some stenches.
CODY
Bah! You jest with the rest ‘cause you simmer in envy.
DUANE
Perchance, but my laid ladies don’t need no doses of Pen-V.
But aghast! Mountafoo mongrels draw near us! Five bucks says they try and cashier us.
CODY
Now just be cool.
Let the mongrels approach us.
DUANE
Don’t act the fool.
Or the law will reproach us.
CODY
I’ll fling them the finger and see if they bear it.
DUANE
And iffin’ they throw down you’ll linger?
CODY
I swear it.
Enter KENNY and STINKER (both Mountafoos). CODY makes an odd hand gesture.
KENNY
Do you flip the bird at us, sir?
CODY
Birds should fly free. Or don’t you concur?
KENNY
I advise thee to back down or receive’eth a smack down!
DUANE
Receive from a clown just out of the closet? With a frown and a fist, I’d return that deposit.
CODY
I got moves like a ninja. You better not sass us!
KENNY
We’ll sass and harass you. Your moves are molasses!
They ineffectually fight.
Enter BENNY (a Mountafoo).
BENNY
Desist this misfit brawl ‘fore I ball a fist on y’all!
BENNY bats down their raised fists, those his own remain clenched.
Enter TONY (A Crapulet).
TONY
So, you’d compel these dumb peckerwoods into a hellish riot?
BENNY
No, you plum misunderstood to my plan to quell disquiet.
TONY
You jaw on peace yet stand with bared fists!
BENNY
Yo, moron, there’s something you missed!
TONY
Moron! Well, you’re a, a, a... a moron as well!
BENNY
Great comeback. Bravo. Just swell.
Awkward pause...
TONY
Have at thee, coward!
They fight.
Enter several sons of both houses, who join the fray.
Enter local Citizens with raised fists.
Chorus of Citizens:
Our dear County Fair! So beloved by us locals! We all must beware,
Lest it’s spoilt by these yokels!
They threaten our tractor pulls! Freak Shows! Slaw dogs! They imperil our Carnies and prize-winning hogs!
No deep-fried pickles aboard the Crazy Comet! No Tilt-O-Whirl twirlings to make our kids vomit!
Our Fun House will close down! Our Tea Cups stop spinnin.’ Our Ring Toss will take away prizes for winnin.’
Where will we go to for midget stock races?
Or caramelized apples to plug up our faces?
We cannot allow it! We shall not permit it! Y’all wanna brawl ‘em?
All the locals nod approval.
All right then, let’s hit it!
A mass fight ensues.
Enter CRAPULET and LADY CRAPULET.
CRAPULET
Well, punch my face and dump me in pig shite!
They already done gone and started the fight!
Well, I’m liquored up and ready to wrangle these deadbeats.
LADY CRAPULET
Jes’ leave sumpthin’ for later so’s we can tangle the bedsheets.
CRAPULET enters the brawl.
Enter MOUNTAFOO and LADY MOUNTAFOO.
MOUNTAFOO
It’s the gall-dern Crapper family! Thumpin’ our boys!
LADY MOUNTAFOO
I’m nursing a hangover. Not so much noise.
MOUNTAFOO enters the brawl.
Enter the MAYOR. The Crapulets and Mountafoos cease fighting and
drift into opposing sides. The Citizens look on.
MAYOR
Citizens! Citizens! Heed the words of your Mayor! Fortunate I arrived as both cop and soothsayer.
Our Fair has been bushwhacked these rebellers, Sullying the good name of our Fair for you revelers.
Profaners of these annual 4-H celebrations,
The sons Mountafoo and those of Crapulet,
Will be banned from the Fair for any future agitations, And you’re jes’ lucky it ain’t happened yet.
BENNY
More scared than Christmas is our County Fair. A ban would drown us in bogs of despair!
MAYOR
Any more fightin’ and yer tails will get knotted! Now all of y’all go on and get gotted!
Go on and git, now. All y’all. Go on. Git!
Exeunt all but MOUNTAFOO, LADY MOUNTAFOO, and BENNY.
MOUNTAFOO
Who fanned the flames of this old family fire? Speak on it to me. What did transpire?
BENNY
Hmm. What did happen, after all? Perhaps some chaw would loose my jaw.
MOUNTAFOO frowns, rummages in his pocket, pulls out a tin of chewing tobacco and allows BENNY some.
MOUNTAFOO
And?
BENNY
Here stood we Mountafoo’s, innocent of blame, Unburdened by any wayward thought.
Then Tybalt starts heapin’ out dollops of shame, Callin’ us possums and pansies.
LADY MOUNTAFOO
The awfulest rot!
BENNY
They’s hootin’ and hollerin’ to get us all riled. We wasn’t afeared him, the ignorant lout. But pitched into punchin,’ once defiled.
See, we had to save face.
LADY MOUNTAFOO
Why?
BENNY
They was ladies about.
MOUNTAFOO
If the feud is to blaze, I’m to ignite it.
LADY MOUNTAFOO
Was Romeo present with you today?
Did he get some good licks in during the fray?
I light the match. I see to kindlin.’
As master of mischief, I am delighted.
As dupe of disorder, then I’m a-dwindlin.’
BENNY
Shoot. The bastard’s still moping and mourning. Ailed by a bogus beloved. Some saccharine sweetie. He’s a sucker for sirens. I gave him that warning. But love made him deaf to my sagely entreaty.
MOUNTAFOO
Tits on a bull and reasoning with my son. In nigh high uselessness, neither’s outdone.
Enter ROMEO.
BENNY
Here comes Romeo. Hide thine selfs yonder.
I’ll coax out his worry, then y’all can ponder.
MOUNTAFOO
We’ll hunker down way out of sight,
And let you gain your insight into our son’s plight. All right?
Exeunt MOUNTAFOO and LADY MOUNTAFOO.
BENNY
Mornin,’ cuz. What up widdit?
ROMEO
It’s only morning? Shoot, I quit it.
BENNY
Nah, brah! It’s all good and all new.
ROMEO
Ah, brah! It’s all aged and askew.
Hey, I just saw my Pa skedaddlin.’
Does he have some paternal aversion?
BENNY
Well, I really shouldn’t be tattlin,’
But he was, uh, late for pre-trial diversion.
ROMEO
Again?
Chum, you look as glum as a turtle in a toilet. Pray tell?
ROMEO
BENNY
Hmm, you’re unaffected and I hate to spoil it. Stay well.
BENNY
Unaffected by love?
ROMEO
Unafflicted by it!
BENNY
I been afflicted by love! T’was just last September.
ROMEO
Afflicted? Infected! Trouser mites if you remember.
BENNY
Them mites was a minimal cross to bear, For that glorious three-hour love affair.
ROMEO
An infectious tryst with a defective tart. A foolish hurt for a shrewish heart.
BENNY
Who went and pissed in your pink lemonade! Give me a name.
ROMEO
My love dismissed me and now I’m dismayed! Oh, what a shame.
BENNY
For one writing sonnets, you’re awfully jaded.
ROMEO
My immortal beloved won’t be persuaded!
BENNY
This ‘love’ is a cancer.
ROMEO
A sickness. A blight.
BENNY
But I got the answer.
ROMEO
You’ll set me right?
BENNY
Thump the frumpy rump of some coquette or busty strumpet. When your lusty yearnings have been met then justly dump it!
ROMEO
‘Thump it and dump it’ is what you’re saying? These are heavy words I must be weighing.
BENNY
Forget this so-called foretold lover!
Find one short and sordid for tonight.
Once done with her, there’s fourfold others, To be loved and left to their own plight.
ROMEO
You’d have me act the wild cur, The rude and rutting rotter! Such sexy struttings are no cure, You crude and swindling plotter!
BENNY
Who cleaved from thee thy manhood? I’ll grieve them so and damn good!
Was it that treacherous Bobbi Sue!
ROMEO
Bobbi Sue? Nah, we’re through.
BENNY
That horrible Cassy Bee!
ROMEO
Shoot, man, I turned her free.
BENNY
That wretched Debbie Fay?
ROMEO
We broke up in May.
BENNY
Grace Ann?
ROMEO
She found a new man.
BENNY
Say, uh... It ain’t that Kyle feller, is it?
ROMEO
That, I don't care to revisit!
BENNY
Well who then?
ROMEO
She who’s swollen with joy like an engorged tick, That bores into your brain and makes you love sick.
She who moves with more grace and a seasoned pole dancer.
And is more radiant than the tanning bed bulb that gives you cancer.
Her who shimmers swaying like a well-oiled mullet.
Her eyes, with a glance, can fill your heart’s empty gullet.
She which-
BENNY
Okay! Oaky! I get it. Just, spit out her durned name.
ROMEO
Ah, she is the one I will always recall!
She is the fate that I cannot forestall!
She is foretold! It is foretolden!
When I’m a’feared she does embolden!
Maybe forbidden but never forgotten, Sometimes ill-gained, but never ill-gotten!
She is the fortune and I am the teller, When we-
BENNY smacks Romeo.
ROMEO
Hey! Her name is Rosaline.
BENNY
Rosaline Jenkins! She just got done getting’ with your brother!
ROMEO
I fault not her faithless fraternal philanderings!
BENNY
She done dogged them Clement boys, one and then other!
ROMEO
I take no affront with her two-timing meanderings!
BENNY
I saw her in a brothel. It was run by her mother!
ROMEO
Would you cease with your savage slanderings?
BENNY
ROMEO
If she’s your true love, I won’t libel her no more. But she is a dirty little dishrag tramp. Just sayin.’
I’m glad you’ve accepted the one I adore.
Now let’s hit the crash derby without delayin.’
Exeunt.
