PRELUDE:

Two trailer parks, both alike in filthy rabble,

Here in Verona, Indiana, we recite our sad, sad sonnet. Ancient feuds birth up a new squabble,

As we proceed, redneck blood is spilled upon it.

From forth the loins of these two hillbilly clans,

A pair of dew-eyed teens risk their own lifes; Whose miseased passions and dislayed plans,

Do with their woe squelch long-smolderin’ strifes.

These yunguns’ love, so brief and deadly, Marred by fisticuffs and unwise sages, T’was a mournful tune, a moanful medley, As you shall see in the next few pages.

If thine eyes can attend to such cursed afflictions, These rubes might amend their worst derelictions.

ACT I.

SCENE I. Verona County 4-H Fairgrounds.

Enter CODY and DUANE, of the house of Crapulet.

CODY

Duane, I say, we shan’t suffer any shite today.

DUANE

Aye. No suffering shite.

We shan’t by day and shan’t by night.

CODY

Shite would make me shirty.

And then my hands would soon be dirty.

DUANE

Shirty hands besmirched by shite?

CODY

No. Bloodied hands, if moved to fight.

DUANE

Now don’t go poundin’ on fellas in haste.

CODY

Better thump on a fool than be disgraced.

DUANE

So if a Mountafoo would to step to you, it would be fisticuffs?

CODY

Shoot, I’d leave them fools with more’n measly scrapes and scuffs.

DUANE

They’s some ugly sumbitches. Death’d be doin’ them a favor.

CODY

Dead Mountafoo men? That’s sumpthin’ I could savor.

DUANE

And their women folk?

CODY

Well, that there’s a different flavor.

DUANE

Dude! Them ladies is practically our cousins!

CODY

Yeah, they may be cousins but they’re sexy little lasses. Ya tell me y’ain’t never glanced at them fine little-

DUANE

Glasses. I done lost ‘em. So, nah. I ain’t never.

CODY

Well, you should endeavor.

‘Sides, thumpin’ those rumps? That could be pleasin.’

DUANE

Skeezin’ on cousins? That’s akin to treason!

CODY

Sexin’ on your kin folk ain’t akin to treason.

And you shouldn’t be abstainin’ without a good reason.

DUANE

Our cousins are comely,

I see where you’re headin.’

CODY

Some comely. Some homely. But all are worth beddin.’

DUANE

If bedded by you, sir?

I’d hear them complainin.’

CODY

This is untrue sir!

I’d hear you explainin.’

DUANE

Your little trencher can’t quench those wenches’ trenches. Those hoes,’ once furrows hoed by you, t’would be sure to raise some stenches.

CODY

Bah! You jest with the rest ‘cause you simmer in envy.

DUANE

Perchance, but my laid ladies don’t need no doses of Pen-V.

But aghast! Mountafoo mongrels draw near us! Five bucks says they try and cashier us.

CODY

Now just be cool.

Let the mongrels approach us.

DUANE

Don’t act the fool.

Or the law will reproach us.

CODY

I’ll fling them the finger and see if they bear it.

DUANE

And iffin’ they throw down you’ll linger?

CODY

I swear it.

Enter KENNY and STINKER (both Mountafoos). CODY makes an odd hand gesture.

KENNY

Do you flip the bird at us, sir?

CODY

Birds should fly free. Or don’t you concur?

KENNY

I advise thee to back down or receive’eth a smack down!

DUANE

Receive from a clown just out of the closet? With a frown and a fist, I’d return that deposit.

CODY

I got moves like a ninja. You better not sass us!

KENNY

We’ll sass and harass you. Your moves are molasses!

They ineffectually fight.

Enter BENNY (a Mountafoo).

BENNY

Desist this misfit brawl ‘fore I ball a fist on y’all!

BENNY bats down their raised fists, those his own remain clenched.

Enter TONY (A Crapulet).

TONY

So, you’d compel these dumb peckerwoods into a hellish riot?

BENNY

No, you plum misunderstood to my plan to quell disquiet.

TONY

You jaw on peace yet stand with bared fists!

BENNY

Yo, moron, there’s something you missed!

TONY

Moron! Well, you’re a, a, a... a moron as well!

BENNY

Great comeback. Bravo. Just swell.

Awkward pause...

TONY

Have at thee, coward!

They fight.

Enter several sons of both houses, who join the fray.

Enter local Citizens with raised fists.

Chorus of Citizens:

Our dear County Fair! So beloved by us locals! We all must beware,

Lest it’s spoilt by these yokels!

They threaten our tractor pulls! Freak Shows! Slaw dogs! They imperil our Carnies and prize-winning hogs!

No deep-fried pickles aboard the Crazy Comet! No Tilt-O-Whirl twirlings to make our kids vomit!

Our Fun House will close down! Our Tea Cups stop spinnin.’ Our Ring Toss will take away prizes for winnin.’

Where will we go to for midget stock races?

Or caramelized apples to plug up our faces?

We cannot allow it! We shall not permit it! Y’all wanna brawl ‘em?

All the locals nod approval.

All right then, let’s hit it!

A mass fight ensues.

Enter CRAPULET and LADY CRAPULET.

CRAPULET

Well, punch my face and dump me in pig shite!

They already done gone and started the fight!

Well, I’m liquored up and ready to wrangle these deadbeats.

LADY CRAPULET

Jes’ leave sumpthin’ for later so’s we can tangle the bedsheets.

CRAPULET enters the brawl.

Enter MOUNTAFOO and LADY MOUNTAFOO.

MOUNTAFOO

It’s the gall-dern Crapper family! Thumpin’ our boys!

LADY MOUNTAFOO

I’m nursing a hangover. Not so much noise.

MOUNTAFOO enters the brawl.

Enter the MAYOR. The Crapulets and Mountafoos cease fighting and

drift into opposing sides. The Citizens look on.

MAYOR

Citizens! Citizens! Heed the words of your Mayor! Fortunate I arrived as both cop and soothsayer.

Our Fair has been bushwhacked these rebellers, Sullying the good name of our Fair for you revelers.

Profaners of these annual 4-H celebrations,

The sons Mountafoo and those of Crapulet,

Will be banned from the Fair for any future agitations, And you’re jes’ lucky it ain’t happened yet.

BENNY

More scared than Christmas is our County Fair. A ban would drown us in bogs of despair!

MAYOR

Any more fightin’ and yer tails will get knotted! Now all of y’all go on and get gotted!

Go on and git, now. All y’all. Go on. Git!

Exeunt all but MOUNTAFOO, LADY MOUNTAFOO, and BENNY.

MOUNTAFOO

Who fanned the flames of this old family fire? Speak on it to me. What did transpire?

BENNY

Hmm. What did happen, after all? Perhaps some chaw would loose my jaw.

MOUNTAFOO frowns, rummages in his pocket, pulls out a tin of chewing tobacco and allows BENNY some.

MOUNTAFOO

And?

BENNY

Here stood we Mountafoo’s, innocent of blame, Unburdened by any wayward thought.

Then Tybalt starts heapin’ out dollops of shame, Callin’ us possums and pansies.

LADY MOUNTAFOO

The awfulest rot!

BENNY

They’s hootin’ and hollerin’ to get us all riled. We wasn’t afeared him, the ignorant lout. But pitched into punchin,’ once defiled.

See, we had to save face.

LADY MOUNTAFOO

Why?

BENNY

They was ladies about.

MOUNTAFOO

If the feud is to blaze, I’m to ignite it.

LADY MOUNTAFOO

Was Romeo present with you today?

Did he get some good licks in during the fray?

I light the match. I see to kindlin.’

As master of mischief, I am delighted.

As dupe of disorder, then I’m a-dwindlin.’

BENNY

Shoot. The bastard’s still moping and mourning. Ailed by a bogus beloved. Some saccharine sweetie. He’s a sucker for sirens. I gave him that warning. But love made him deaf to my sagely entreaty.

MOUNTAFOO

Tits on a bull and reasoning with my son. In nigh high uselessness, neither’s outdone.

Enter ROMEO.

BENNY

Here comes Romeo. Hide thine selfs yonder.

I’ll coax out his worry, then y’all can ponder.

MOUNTAFOO

We’ll hunker down way out of sight,

And let you gain your insight into our son’s plight. All right?

Exeunt MOUNTAFOO and LADY MOUNTAFOO.

BENNY

Mornin,’ cuz. What up widdit?

ROMEO

It’s only morning? Shoot, I quit it.

BENNY

Nah, brah! It’s all good and all new.

ROMEO

Ah, brah! It’s all aged and askew.

Hey, I just saw my Pa skedaddlin.’

Does he have some paternal aversion?

BENNY

Well, I really shouldn’t be tattlin,’

But he was, uh, late for pre-trial diversion.

ROMEO

Again?

Chum, you look as glum as a turtle in a toilet. Pray tell?

ROMEO

 BENNY

Hmm, you’re unaffected and I hate to spoil it. Stay well.

BENNY

Unaffected by love?

ROMEO

Unafflicted by it!

BENNY

I been afflicted by love! T’was just last September.

ROMEO

Afflicted? Infected! Trouser mites if you remember.

BENNY

Them mites was a minimal cross to bear, For that glorious three-hour love affair.

ROMEO

An infectious tryst with a defective tart. A foolish hurt for a shrewish heart.

BENNY

Who went and pissed in your pink lemonade! Give me a name.

ROMEO

My love dismissed me and now I’m dismayed! Oh, what a shame.

BENNY

For one writing sonnets, you’re awfully jaded.

ROMEO

My immortal beloved won’t be persuaded!

BENNY

This ‘love’ is a cancer.

ROMEO

A sickness. A blight.

BENNY

But I got the answer.

ROMEO

You’ll set me right?

BENNY

Thump the frumpy rump of some coquette or busty strumpet. When your lusty yearnings have been met then justly dump it!

ROMEO

‘Thump it and dump it’ is what you’re saying? These are heavy words I must be weighing.

BENNY

Forget this so-called foretold lover!

Find one short and sordid for tonight.

Once done with her, there’s fourfold others, To be loved and left to their own plight.

ROMEO

You’d have me act the wild cur, The rude and rutting rotter! Such sexy struttings are no cure, You crude and swindling plotter!

BENNY

Who cleaved from thee thy manhood? I’ll grieve them so and damn good!

Was it that treacherous Bobbi Sue!

ROMEO

Bobbi Sue? Nah, we’re through.

BENNY

That horrible Cassy Bee!

ROMEO

Shoot, man, I turned her free.

BENNY

That wretched Debbie Fay?

ROMEO

We broke up in May.

BENNY

Grace Ann?

ROMEO

She found a new man.

BENNY

Say, uh... It ain’t that Kyle feller, is it?

ROMEO

That, I don't care to revisit!

BENNY

Well who then?

ROMEO

She who’s swollen with joy like an engorged tick, That bores into your brain and makes you love sick.

She who moves with more grace and a seasoned pole dancer.

And is more radiant than the tanning bed bulb that gives you cancer.

Her who shimmers swaying like a well-oiled mullet.

Her eyes, with a glance, can fill your heart’s empty gullet.

She which-

BENNY

Okay! Oaky! I get it. Just, spit out her durned name.

ROMEO

Ah, she is the one I will always recall!

She is the fate that I cannot forestall!

She is foretold! It is foretolden!

When I’m a’feared she does embolden!

Maybe forbidden but never forgotten, Sometimes ill-gained, but never ill-gotten!

She is the fortune and I am the teller, When we-

BENNY smacks Romeo.

ROMEO

Hey! Her name is Rosaline.

BENNY

Rosaline Jenkins! She just got done getting’ with your brother!

ROMEO

I fault not her faithless fraternal philanderings!

BENNY

She done dogged them Clement boys, one and then other!

ROMEO

I take no affront with her two-timing meanderings!

BENNY

I saw her in a brothel. It was run by her mother!

ROMEO

Would you cease with your savage slanderings?

BENNY

ROMEO

If she’s your true love, I won’t libel her no more. But she is a dirty little dishrag tramp. Just sayin.’

I’m glad you’ve accepted the one I adore.

Now let’s hit the crash derby without delayin.’

Exeunt.