Relationships are more enigmatic than we often perceive. When we observe a couple bonding over a hiking trip, best friends laughing in a pottery class, or a date blossoming in a cultural restaurant, it’s tempting to attribute these connections to shared interests or mere coincidence. But what if I told you that these moments represent one layer of the complex nature of relationships? To the extent that if you know the secrets behind it, they will completely transform how you view human connections. In this book, when I refer to ‘relationships,’ I am predominantly discussing romantic and platonic connections, unless specified otherwise. This broad approach allows us to explore a wide spectrum of human interactions between couples or friends. This book uncovers insights, evolutionary secrets, and alluring scientific theories, distilling the cumulative work of thousands of scientists across centuries into an accessible format. A pivotal challenge in science is connecting the dots of various disciplines. We have merged disparate scientific elements from evolution, history, biology, and psychology, piecing together a pioneering and comprehensive picture that we now present to you. This book, a synthesis of extensive research and diverse disciplines, unveils 11 fundamental relationship styles within the innovative ‘PICCK A SPICE’ framework – Playful, Intellectual, Creative, Culinary, Kind, Adventurous, Spiritual, Physical, Inspirational, Caring, and Empathetic. Each chapter blends fascinating facts and theories with engaging anecdotal or figurative stories, bringing the ‘PICCK A SPICE’ framework to life and making complex concepts relatable. Evolutionary biology, in the context of human relationships, has faced criticism for oversimplifying social behaviors and reinforcing gender stereotypes. Critics argue that the traditional evolutionary narrative—where men are primarily driven by power and financial capability and women by physical attractiveness—overlooks the vast complexity of human social evolution and personal dynamics. Historically, the male-dominated field of evolutionary biology may have skewed some theories, emphasizing traits and behaviors aligning with patriarchal values. Reexamining scientific and evolutionary theories with a comprehensive lens, we embrace the diverse attributes shaping human bonding and attraction and challenge the traditional views, aligning with contemporary society’s varied experiences and values. Individuals often resonate with multiple relationship styles within our framework, forming a unique blend that shifts over time. As life unfolds through various changes, our connection styles dynamically evolve alongside, displaying a flexible rhythm without a fixed sequence, ensuring no style is superior to another. It allows for a colorful spectrum of relationships, each varying in priority and intensity. This adaptive nature allows for richly varied, deeply personal relationships that are as unique as we are. We invite you on a journey of discovery to identify and understand your unique relationship styles. Join us on an journey into the heart of human connections, where modern events like a comedy show or a shared wilderness adventure unlock surprisingly profound insights into our relationship dynamics. Throughout this journey, our book evolves from a mere compilation of theories into a guiding companion. Whether forging new connections or deepening existing ones, the wisdom within these pages empowers and enlightens you, offering practical advice, tools, and strategies to create more fulfilling and authentic relationships. By the end of your journey, you’ll possess new knowledge and actionable acuities for real-life scenarios. Moreover, this book offers innovative solutions for the challenges posed by dating and friendship apps. We explore the psychological nuances of choice overload, authenticity in digital personas, and the emotional impacts of modern phenomena to address the limitations inherent in some social apps. We will elaborate on the best methods of implementing our philosophy of ‘Pick a Place, then a Face’ to build new, more fulfilling, authentic connections. From the broader landscape of human relationships to the complexities of modern dating and friendship apps, this book will be your best friend. Welcome to the captivating world of human connections, where each bond tells a unique story. Join us on this insightful journey, exploring the intersection of science, technology, and human relationships. It should be mentioned that while this book contains information from various historical and scientific sources, we wanted to keep the reading experience as seamless and enjoyable for you as possible. For this reason, we have included a comprehensive list of references that correspond to each chapter at the end of this book. The information’s veracity and integrity are crucial to us. This structuring allows you to investigate the sources behind certain insights if your curiosity is piqued while allowing you to stay immersed in our story throughout reading.

Chapter 2

Starting and maintaining relationships: From Within and Habituation.

As we explore relationship styles, it’s integral to understand the foundational concepts that will guide us through. This chapter is a prelude to our deep dive into the eleven distinct relationship styles. We commence with the central theories underpinning ‘Starting from Within’ and understanding ‘Habituation’ in relationships, essential concepts for anyone seeking to form or sustain meaningful connections.

The Journey Begins: A Tale of Self-Discovery

Elara, known for her vibrant canvases, resided in the tranquil village of Selforia, cradled by the verdant Hills of Reflection. Yet, beneath the brilliance of her art, Elara grappled with an unshakable sense of unfulfillment. Her paintings, while pleasing to others, left her own heart yearning for more, mirroring a life molded more by societal expectations than by her own desires. On a fateful day, Elara met an elderly sage whose profound words would forever shift her perspective: “True beauty, in art and life, emerges from within. Begin a journey of self-discovery. Listen to your inner voice, and observe as your art and life flourish together.” Motivated by this wisdom, Elara set out on a path of introspection. She ventured through the Hills of Hope, discovering buried aspirations beneath layers of conformity. In the Forests of Fear, she confronted doubts that had shackled her spirit. Along the Rivers of Dreams, she embraced her emotions, strengths, and vulnerabilities, each step drawing her nearer to her authentic self. As Elara grew more self-aware, her art underwent a profound transformation, reflecting her inner exploration. It struck a chord with those who viewed it, inviting them to contemplate their inner journeys. Elara’s art served as a compass, guiding not outwardly but inwardly, urging viewers to seek guidance from within.

This transformation sparked a wave of authenticity and connection across Selforia. Elara’s story became a beacon of empowerment, showing that the most reliable direction in life and art is not set by external validation but by courageously embracing one’s inner truth. Her journey, now a part of Selforia’s lore, stood as a testament to the power of internal guidance. It motivated the villagers to release the external forces steering their lives, urging them to discover the vast landscapes of their inner selves. Her tale became a rallying cry for self-discovery, inspiring others to let their true selves chart the course of their life’s journey.

Foundations of “Starting from Within” 

The principle of ‘Starting from Within’ in relationships is deeply rooted in psychological and scientific understanding. This approach emphasizes self-awareness, which Dr. Daniel Goleman, a renowned psychologist and author, identifies as the ability to understand one’s own emotions, strengths and weaknesses, values and drivers, and their impact on others. Self-aware individuals tend to possess superior relationship skills, displaying empathy and attentiveness to others’ needs. This self-understanding allows for forming connections that are in harmony with their personal and emotional requirements. This principle aligns with Carl Rogers’ theory of Self-Concept, a fundamental part of humanistic psychology. It revolves around three main components: ™ Self-image (our perception of ourselves). ™ Self-esteem (our sense of self-worth). ™ The Ideal Self (our aspirational self). Rogers highlights congruence, the alignment between Self-image and The Ideal Self, as vital for authenticity in behavior. Attaining congruence, crucial for self-actualization, requires an environment of acceptance and understanding, thereby promoting personal growth and healthier relationships. Understanding how group affiliations shape our perceptions and interactions can be further examined by the Social Identity Theory, developed by Henri Tajfel and John Turner. According to this theory, a substantial portion of an individual’s self-concept is derived from their affiliations with various social groups, such as clubs, sports teams, or communities, based on shared interests. These affiliations contribute to our sense of identity and self-esteem, influencing how we relate to others within and outside these groups. However, to apply Social Identity Theory in pursuing meaningful relationships, it is essential to engage in self-exploration to identify the groups that truly represent our interests and values. This congruence between group affiliations and personal values fortifies our identity and steers us towards forming relationships that are in harmony with our authentic selves. People-pleasing behaviors, deeply rooted in the need for acceptance and approval, can be insightfully examined through the Self-Determination Theory, developed by psychologists Edward L. Deci and Richard M. Ryan. This theory highlights the importance of fulfilling three intrinsic psychological needs: autonomy, competence, and relatedness. In the context of ‘Starting from Within,’ a critical look at autonomy – the sense of being in control of one’s actions – reveals how people-pleasing undermines this essential need. When individuals consistently prioritize others’ preferences over their authentic desires, they inadvertently diminish their sense of self-agency, leading to a reliance on external validation for self-esteem. This behavior can create an imbalance, overshadowing the need for relatedness – a genuine connection with others. By recognizing and addressing this tendency, individuals can embark on a journey of self-awareness, aligning their actions with their true values and needs.