Chapter 1 - Reinvention as a Mindset

“There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.”

Nelson Mandela

Mindset has become a very popular word the last few years, but what exactly is a mindset? In my mind (pun intended), a mindset is the way we think, the way we see the world. A mindset is what causes us to perceive things in a certain ways. While a mindset is not directly about action, our mindset does affect how we act. For example, imagine someone drops a glass full of expensive whiskey in a crowded bar, and the glass shatters. The shards go everywhere but no one steps on it and no one gets hurt. Some people may think “Wow. It’s lucky no one got hurt with all that glass flying around.” Such a reaction comes from their mindset. Others may think “I can’t believe that idiot just dropped a $50 glass of whiskey, what a jerk” and that comes from their mindset.

Many have written about fixed mindsets and growth mindsets, the general belief being if you want to be successful, you need a growth mindset. The people in the example above who were happy there were no accidents in that crowded bar are in the growth mindset category. They focus on the positive.

It’s amazing how much our mindset can control what we think and even how we see the world. Recently, a colleague, Magen Joy Slesinger, shared a video on LinkedIn about how our thoughts shape what we see. In this video, she asked everyone to look around their environment for three minutes and notice everything that was blue (2023). As I did the exercise, I started listing things: my coasters, my phone’s screen saver, a few books, a pen, a blanket. I came up with about twenty items that were blue. Then she asked us to close our eyes and list things that were black. I sit in this office for many hours a day, looking at the same things and all I could come up with was my phone and my keyboard. But after opening my eyes, black things were everywhere. My chair, my mouse pad, my laptop, picture frames, tape dispenser.

What does this exercise tell us? We see what we look for. Our perspective comes from what we are conditioned to see. If our mindset is negative, we tend to look for the bad, the scary, the reasons we can’t succeed, and we usually find them. But if we look for the positive, the opportunities, the successes, if we look for ways we can reinvent ourselves, we will find that too.

In her book Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, PhD psychologist Carol Dweck proposes that while intelligence and talent are important, those people that truly make a difference have a growth mindset. A fixed mindset is an attitude that your capabilities, talents and behaviors are set in stone and what you already have is what you can use to achieve success. In a growth mindset, your attitudes, beliefs and capabilities can grow and change if you are willing to put the work in, leading to different behaviors. She based her research on the neuroplasticity of the brain. Brain neuroplasticity is the ability of our nervous system to change its response based on external stimuli. It is the ability of the neural networks in our brain to change through growth and reorganization (2006).

Think about the people you have met throughout your life-maybe friends, family, teachers, coworkers or even yourself. Have you noticed when faced with a trauma or a negative event, some of these people just give-up or crumble? They complain about what happened and use it as an excuse to stop trying. They get stuck. Sometimes the trauma is life changing, like the death of a close friend or relative, or getting fired from a job. Such a reaction is understandable. Sometimes it’s as simple as someone getting a better table at a restaurant, or being overcharged for a purchase, or not getting the job they hoped for. They act like everyone is out to get them and their life is out of their control.

Others facing the same trauma react completely different. They see the negative event as a challenge or an opportunity. They acknowledge some bad luck or even a tragedy but don’t let it keep them down. To these people, the world is a wonderful place, no matter what happens. A solution is always possible. You just need to look hard enough. Life can be hard, but it is still joyful. When you get knocked down that just means you get up, again and again and again. The more times you get up, the stronger you become and the higher you climb. These people have a reinvention mindset.

The reinvention mindset is not just a growth mindset, it is more than that. It is the belief down to a person’s very core that it doesn’t matter what the world gives to them, they will accept it and make it better. They are glass half-full people, even when the glass only has a few drops left. They are the ones that make lemonade from lemons.

My mom does not have a reinvention mindset. She is a great person and I love her dearly, but she is so focused on all the bad in her life, that she completely misses all that is positive. We joke about this all the time. She always says “Why do I always think the worst? When you don’t answer the phone, I imagine you are dead somewhere or someone shot you”.

My response is “Mom, you’re nuts. You need to get out of your head, stop worrying, it doesn’t help you.” I always remind her of a quote I once heard: “Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do, but never gets you anywhere” (Forbes 2021).

Mom was born in 1943 to a blue collar family in Hoboken, NJ. She met my dad when she was thirteen and got married when she was eighteen. They had two children, me and my younger sister, Stacie. We moved to the suburbs after Stacie was born. My childhood was full of love, but life wasn’t perfect.

When I was about 12 and my sister was 7, my mom started suffering from agoraphobia and extreme anxiety. She went about six months without leaving the house. She eventually got it under control with medicine and group therapy, but she still suffers from anxiety and depression.

The first major tragedy occurred when Stacie was thirteen. It was just a usual Friday night. Stacie went to a roller skating rink with friends. My mom asked if I could pick her up, but I wasn’t home in time. I was a senior in high school, so helping out my mom and picking up my little sister was not a priority. Thinking back to that night, I remember getting someone to buy us some beer and hanging out with my friends, not a care in the world. I still feel guilty about that.

“What do you guys want to do tonight?” asked Diane.

“Let’s get some beer and go hang out at Therese’s house, her mom isn’t home” I answered.

“Maybe we can play quarters.” suggested the other Lori.

My mom went to pick up Stacie. As she got close, she saw police and ambulances. As usual, her first thought was "Oh no something happened to Stacie" and unfortunately, for once her worst imaginations came true. Stacie and her friends had been smoking cigarettes, and she started to have an asthma attack. Stacie and a friend decided to cross the highway to get to a diner and use the phone.

They made it across and called her friend’s dad, who was a doctor. We don’t know exactly what he told them, because they never made it back across the highway.

A car hit them. Her friend Paula suffered a broken arm. Stacie’s head hit the divider and she was in a coma and suffered severe brain damage.

When I got home a bit later, my grandparents were there and told me what happened. I was devastated. I remember yelling, crying and running to the church up the block but the door was locked. I couldn’t get in. “Why, God? Why? Please make Stacie be okay. This isn’t fair. She’s just a little kid. Please make her okay.”

My prayers were not answered that night.

Stacie’s accident affected us all, but we did what we could to go on. My dad retired from his job to care for her full time. In August, I left for my first year of college. My mom took a leave of absence from her job to help with Stacie’s recovery.

Stacie eventually woke from the coma. I remember the day she woke up like it was yesterday. We were at the hospital and mom was shaving Stacie’s legs. All of a sudden we heard “Ouch, that hurts.” We looked around to see who said it and when we realized it was Stacie, we didn’t know if we should laugh or cry. She woke up, but it was clear she had suffered brain damage and could never live on her own. Life goes on.

The next tragedy occurred a few years later, when my mom needed open heart surgery. “I don’t want to have this surgery, but if I need to, I want it done by the best surgeon.” So off we went to Texas where the doctor who created the procedure practiced. Everything went well, but my mom still had a difficult recovery. During the trip to Texas, my dad and I had some time together, and we became closer.

“What should we do, Lori? We can’t stay in the hospital, visiting hours end at six” said my dad.

“We might as well see some of Houston while we are here, Dad. I hear Rice Village is nice.”

We enjoyed a nice dinner, and did some shopping for a gift for my mom, a “heart” necklace.

Life wasn’t hard enough. A few years later, my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. He had been a smoker for most of his life, but had quit after Stacie’s accident so he could be around to care for her. God had other plans.

My dad, the joker, never missed an opportunity for a great story, and cancer was no exception. After his diagnosis he asked the doctor “Hey doc, can I still bowl?” He didn’t want to miss his Friday night bowling league, his fun night out with the guys. He had surgery and had a lung removed, followed by radiation and chemotherapy, but he never lost his sense of humor.

He went to the barber one day after his hair grew back, and I joined him. The barber said, “Hey, Frank, I haven’t seen you in a while. Are you cheating on me?”

My dad responded, completely straight-faced. "No. I had cancer." We watched the barber’s horrified expression before my dad cracked up laughing.

I didn’t realize it at the time but I’m pretty sure my dad had a reinvention mindset.

Dad was okay for a time. He was even able to walk me down the aisle for my wedding and share the father-daughter dance with me. Eventually his other lung failed and he could no longer breathe.

He was removed from his respirator and died while my mom and I held his hands. My dad was only 56. He and my mom had been together most of their lives.

My mom joined a widow’s group and met some great women, who she still sees to this day. She continues to care for Stacie. She traveled to Paris with my cousin to meet me on a business trip. She’s been to Aruba with her friends. When my son was born, she bought a house in Texas and traveled back and forth from Texas to New Jersey every winter. She is so much more capable and impressive than she realizes. That is because of her mindset.

Has my mom had more than her share of tragedies? Without a doubt. Yes. But has she recovered and even flourished after them? Also a resounding yes.

Mom focuses on everything that has gone wrong. She’s angry about what has happened to her. She always imagines the worst case scenario. She expects bad results, and sees the glass as half empty. Every ache is a blood clot, every headache a brain tumor, and everyone is out to get her. Mechanics want to cheat her. People lie to her all the time, and she doesn’t trust anyone. Watching the way she lives is exhausting. Occasionally she lets herself have fun, like on her Friday nights out with her widow group, or her trips to Aruba with friends. In general, she enjoys being miserable.

Her negativity is so pervasive, it is often funny. Now I am not being mean here. As I mentioned, my mom knows she does this. She just doesn’t believe she can change. My mom and I do have a great relationship. We talk almost every day and we often vacation together, but this is how she is.

By focusing on the negative, she has completely missed how much she has accomplished. She doesn’t recognize all the things she has done, how strong and brave and competent she is. No one has said she didn’t have a difficult life, but her life had a lot of joy as well. If she could just let herself move past the bad, she would be able to see this. She is stuck, and she won’t allow herself to be unstuck. She sees herself as a tragic figure, someone who is very unlucky. I need to share the color exercise with my mom, but instead of blue and black, use good and bad.

Every day we see people like my mom, people who could do or be so much more if they would just allow themselves to become unstuck. We all become stuck sometimes, but those with the reinvention mindset know how to get unstuck. They can look at an obstacle and find a way around it, over it, through it. They see it as a challenge not a deterrent.

While my mom sees everything in a negative light, I put a positive, reinvention spin on it. I faced the exact same tragedies as my mom, but feel lucky and I am blessed. I had parents who loved me and a close family. I got to attend college. My sister survived the car accident. Although she was never the same, she was alive. My mom got to see my son grow up. It is amazing what a difference a new mindset can make.

To me the world is an amazing place, full of opportunities just waiting for me to take them. Living life this way is so much more joyful. I can’t imagine living any other way. I wish I could get my mom to realize this. Maybe reading this book will help.