Chapter 1
I wish I had known to leave before that day. My human eyes would not have noticed the difference, but to our inner wolves, it was the day the sun lost his confidence, and the stars lost their shine. Even the sky, in its unwavering silence, seemed to struggle to maintain a space for order. The moon, most of all, lost her luster, her spirit.
I’d moved into the pack’s apartments the week prior. I was about to make my eighteenth migration around the sun, and—per our custom—it was time for me to move from my family’s home. I’d be considered an adult and ready to take on larger responsibilities. I had a thirst for knowledge and wasn’t certain about how I wanted to contribute to our pack, so I kept my options open. It meant pursuing further training with the warriors, helping our healers, and studying with our scholars, but I’d been ready for it.
I would’ve been training with the warriors on my birthday the following day, but I’d been excused for a very specific reason. I was preparing for the stroke of midnight, for I was about to come of age. My she-wolves had gathered with food and drinks to celebrate the awakening of my inner wolf, who was expected to make her appearance.
Hekla arrived first—the beautiful she-wolf from my childhood and my first friend. She was as confident as the midnight sky and just as soothing. All she-wolves were beautiful, but she was one to be admired with the Queen of Night tulip shades of her velvety skin and glossy hair. Her umbral eyes sparkled in excitement when she embraced me. She had as much spirit as beauty and was wise beyond her years. She was the guiding light of our group of friends, our sub-pack.
Soley arrived next, rapping on the wooden door in a spritely fashion. I embraced her in turn, breathing in her sweet scent of roses as her pink cheeks and ember-red curls brushed my face. She was smaller but strong—not strong in the body but in the mind. She was our font of knowledge, our living library.
Rakel was last—late, but for a reason. She was fierce, bold, a force with which to be reckoned. Her lean, deeply tanned arms were wrapped around large bundles of food. Chuckles rang from my throat when I untangled her long, moon-blonde hair from the overripe plantains peeking from a tote bag. The fruit would be good fried but less so with her hair still attached.
I’d been happier then and laughed easily.
That night, before everything changed, was warmed by swaying candles, the glow of the woodstove, and the love of my friends. The air was seasoned by the sizzling roast and steaming vegetables. My beautiful she-wolves were just as excited as me—perhaps more so as they knew what was coming to me. Their inner wolves had all awakened, and I was the last to be blessed. That night, our sub-pack would truly be complete.
We formed a circle on the floor, clasping hands of different sizes and colors with giddy grins on our faces. My cheeks hurt because I’d been smiling so much, but it was a pain I relished. My friends’ wolves peeked through their eyes as midnight drew near. They were as excited to meet my wolf as their human counterparts were. Hekla’s silvers glimmered like starlight. Soley’s turned copper, warm as the sun himself. Rakel’s wolf had light eyes like a gold coin. All but the harvest moon herself was put to shame.
I didn’t recall the transformation as much as I recalled my friends’ faces moments before it happened. All I remembered was a snap in my mind and chest like a weathered lute string that’d been tuned too tight. The pain was so powerful, the shock so great, that I almost didn’t feel it.
Bones had stretched and rearranged, some broken, others splitting to form new ones. Tendons had pulled and organs shifted. Growing pains and menstrual cramps were insignificant in comparison. I knew my friends worked to stabilize me during my first shift, but I hadn’t been able to feel them—my nerve endings had been too distracted elsewhere. Nausea and aching were the least of my symptoms, and all I’d been able to do was yell, sob, and screech. I couldn’t properly explain what it felt like. Perhaps a poet could, but I was no poet.
Upon the last change, my trembling body collapsed. A muscle cramped occasionally, and my bones throbbed, but most of the pain had gone. I recalled panting through my wolf’s lungs and trying to ease through the fog of shock. I blinked slowly to clear my vision, which had become quite sharp, and the smallest movements in the room startled me. My friends cooed and fawned over me, and their love brought me strength.
“Ragna, you are beautiful,” Soley said.
“Brown fur, so soft,” Hekla admired. I felt her gentle strokes upon my wolf’s neck.
“Eyes like spring grass,” Rakel noted as she brought our foreheads together.
They waited patiently for my wolf to speak, running their fingers through our fur and offering water to quench our thirst. I tilted my wolf’s head to lap, which felt like a strange new way to drink. A wolf’s tongue worked a bit like a ladle, and I was grateful for guiding instincts.
Are you there?
Those words were the first she’d ever spoken to me. Though uncertain, they somehow comforted me. My wolf’s soul was prodding me as I was her, dancing about each other like two autumn leaves.
My human, I found you.
If I’d been in my human form, I would’ve sobbed upon her greeting. I hadn’t known there’d been such a lonely, empty spot until she came along.
I’m here! I’d thought back to her, then I’d pulled my friends into our mind-link. I’m Ragna. I’m so happy. I never knew I missed you.
If I’d been human, I would’ve been crying and laughing in jubilation. My friends embraced me—embraced us—and swiftly joined in our bonding.
Trail, she said back. My name is Trail. My heart is full, my human.
Trail, I gasped to my friends with happy tears gracing my heart. Her name is Trail!
“It’s so right, Ragna,” Hekla said. “Like a deer trail in the woods. She looks like the woods—so suitable for our tranquil forest child.”
“Earth and bark. Leaves and grass,” Soley giggled, wrapping her little arms around our neck and nuzzling. She breathed us in, digging her nose into our fur. “You smell like autumn, my beautiful Trail, like the crisp fall air!”
Trail perked up at that point, feeling the love and sense of belonging that our sub-pack offered. I smiled in my mind, feeling her tail wag as she leaned into and then jumped onto our friends in excitement. We were tired, but adrenaline had been coursing vibrantly through our bloodstream. She’d just woken from her long eighteen years of slumber, and I’d waited eighteen long years for this moment.
“Are you ready, Ragna? Trail?” Rakel asked, ruffling the fur between our ears. “Shall we have our first run?” She was practically vibrating with her desire to shift.
Trail yipped and pranced in her race toward the door and crouched playfully, waiting for someone’s hand to turn the handle.
Three pairs of feet and one set of paws burst out into the wild night, slapping through the damp grass of the pack grounds. Dewdrops dampened our fur and skin, making our awkward Soley slip on occasion. The she-wolves’ laughter rang out amongst the starlight as they stripped and shifted, allowing their inner wolves to take the lead.
Hekla’s ebony wolf, Eventide, pranced and jumped on my wolf. Trail stumbled and nipped at her, feigning offense. Soley’s small red wolf, Noon, rolled onto her belly in submission when Rakel’s polar wolf, Wax, leaned over her in a whimsical display of dominance. After tumbling and playing, we were itching to run. We loved our pack, but we were high on our little sub-pack. That night was just for us. That night was for Hekla, Soley, Rakel, and me. The ground beneath our paws was for Eventide, Noon, Wax, and Trail.
I wished I had known to leave then. That moment, that perfect moment in my life, was the last time I would ever experience that kind of joy.
