I sit here this cool spring morning with a warm cup of coffee in hand, a few days after my 38th birthday—and two weeks after my “retirement” from the audit and accounting profession. I watch the sun slowly rise and illuminate the natural world, and it feels symbolic as I begin a new chapter in my life—one lived out of desire, out of passion, in a world where light shines and darkness disappears, and I no longer live out of fear. Fear once permeated much of my existence. Fear is natural and will always be present in life, but this new chapter is about courage.

I am not quite sure when fear took over, but, when I was a child, it somehow managed to place its roots in various aspects of my life: fear of failure at school; of my parents’ disappointment and God’s rejection; of ridicule from friends; of loneliness, my sexuality, and not having enough… While fear is instinctual, for me, it morphed into more than just a survival mechanism. It took an unhealthy place at the judge’s bench, with its own scales and gavel, ruling the court of my decisions and feelings. Perhaps the most significant journey in overcoming fear was in my acceptance of my sexuality and finally coming out at age 28.

Being gay was a sin in the church, and as I matured and became aware of how I was different, I was afraid I would disappoint God. I was afraid I would be rejected by my family and friends. I was afraid I would live a life full of hookups. I was afraid of HIV/AIDS. I was afraid of ending up alone. With the beauty of hindsight, I now see how my fears were irrational, but it was hard to see through the stories I was writing in my mind. I felt paralyzed, and, as a result, I stayed in the closet much longer than I wanted.

For most of us, there comes a time when our realities become worse than our perceived fears. Depressed in darkness and desperate for light, coming out was my only option. As David J. Schwartz writes in The Magic of Thinking Big, “Action cures fear.” In coming out, I realized the fallacy of my worries and the uncertainties that were manufactured in my mind and projected onto the world, my friends, my family, and my God. I freed up space in my mind. I no longer worried about what I said, what I did, who I was around, or who I was; I found freedom to just be, and with that freedom, I found peace.

Now, at age 38, I am freeing up more mental space. I have long desired to pursue an alternative career path, leaving behind corporate America, but I struggled, largely due to fear of not having enough money, of not being successful, and of losing status and privilege.

As an analytical person, I am often lost in my thoughts, and I do not pay enough attention to my heart, so I remained in a career that gave me stability but did not fulfill me. Over time, work began to drain me; my abundant energy diminished. Each successive day, it felt harder and harder to wake up—to be excited about work and about life. My colleagues noticed. My friends and family noticed. I noticed.

Again, action cures fear, and so, on April 8, 2022, I left my job. Now, I am continuing my journey of self-discovery. I’m starting with a pilgrimage, hiking the Camino de Santiago across Spain with my father, shedding a mentality laced with worry and embracing a mindset of love that knows no limit, a mindset of abundance and not deficit, a mindset that values purpose and passion. I don’t fully know where this path will lead me, but, in the unknown, I encounter God and the divine, and so I experience life simply by being. I allow for dreams that have long stewed in my heart to surface, and I allow room for limitless possibilities. This is a chapter about letting go of resistance and, instead, accepting life and the multitude of paths we can pursue. I have long doubted my ability to reinvent myself, yet the dream isn’t re-invention, but rather re-birthing who I am at my core and allowing myself to shine with all my inherent power, passion, and potential. Thus begins a chapter yet to be written and longing to be read.