It was

Six-thirty-two

(post meridiem)

When the eviction notice

on my Supervisor’s

womb came due

(the female one)

something called a

Computer Science Major

The White-Gloved Sheriff

kicked in the door

and

Pulled me

(eight pounds

six ounces

two hands

two feet

two testicles

a shriveled pecker

two horns and a lot of hair)

out of my Supervisor’s vagina

They said I was an

“easy delivery”

because of something

they’d later call

claustrophobia

Once they snipped my umbilical cord

and the end of my pecker

One of the Blue Deputies

took me away

to be thrown out

My post-birthing Computer Science Major

chased the Blue Deputy

cornered her in the hall

and said

“Give me my fucking baby”

That moment

set a paradigm

For my relationship

With The Computer Science Major

(I’m not sure where the male one was)

§

The things I remember from being

A baby are

nothing

I ate

I drank

I pooped

I vomited

I slept

and called nipple-suckling

“La-La”

(Not much has changed)

I suffered from chronic ear infections

and so

I cried continuously

I was a baby

§

Months after birth

The Supervisor called Insurance Underwriter

held me above his head

and made faces

so I’d laugh

I laughed so hard

I vomited into

his open mouth—

That moment set a paradigm

For my relationship

With Insurance Underwriter

§

I turned one

On the cusp of the nineties

A ten-year funeral for things like

Landlines

(Antique things

attached to a wall

that made noises

like ring ring

and tried to sell you things)

and things called

Door-to-door Salesmen

(Antique things

that smiled a lot

and made noises

like ding dong

and tried to sell you things)

It was a confusing time

§

The Computer Science Major only ever wanted

A girl

She tried once and got a boy

Three years later I came out

Seven years later

She tried again

And got a boy

At which point

She promptly gave up

And

in her grief

had The Insurance Underwriter neutered

And so

you have my Tribe

§

One of my life partners

(The older one)

was called K

During the first year of my life

K would drag me from

room to room

by one of my horns

Then

When I wouldn’t meet his standards

of what a playmate should be

he’d go to The Computer Science Major

and ask

when I’d be returned to The Hospital

(A place where people go to be born

and also

die

Which is when you can’t open your eyes anymore

and they put you in the ground

so children can’t see you)

I know

It’s confusing

This set a paradigm

For my relationship

With K

§

We had one prisoner at first

They called it Puddles

who lived up to her name

We called it her

so The Computer Science Major could have

allies in her war

with the

“The House of Penises”

but I knew it wasn’t a her

because it had a penis

It looked like a partially

melted pink crayon

when she was happy

§

Once I was bored

I decided to take a closer look

At Puddle’s penis

I stared at it

(A hairy little nub

that came to a wet and pointy end)

For a few minutes

Before working up the courage

To touch it

She bit my face

I told The Computer Science Major

She said

Puddles was jealous

but

I’m not a prisoner

I thought

Right?

This set a paradigm

For my relationship

With other things’ genitals

§

Instead of imaginary friends

I invented a kingdom called

FU

Filled with things that looked like me

And where things made sense

I was King

I ruled FU with a Toddler-sized

Iron Fist

in my underpants

in the cottage

we rented

from The Computer Science Major’s Supervisor

Even as a furball I knew…

I was meant for greatness

§

When I was very young

The Insurance Underwriter left for a month

When he came back

I asked

Why?

The Computer Science Major just looked sad

and said nothing

§

While he was gone

A different prisoner they called Squeaks

died

(Puddles had to be thrown out

The White-Gloved Sheriff stuck her with something

My Supervisors cried

Even K cried

It was weird)

They pulled me out of class

The Computer Science Major

said that Prisoner Squeaks

Had tried to escape

and so

was killed

by something called a

U.P.S. Truck

Controlled by a thing that used to

pee in beer bottles

and leave them in our yard

The Computer Science Major was sad

So I was sad

I went with her

to throw Squeaks away

We brought her to a place called

The Recycling Center

We put Squeaks in the trunk of the thing

The Computer Science Major called The Jimmy

Squeaks was starting to smell

When we pulled up

a big fat thing

with a broom on his face

scooped Squeaks into a trash bag

and flung her over his shoulder

We followed him

There was a crater in the earth

forty-feet deep

filled with

hundreds of

lumpy

trash bags

Broom-Face spun around—

just once—

and flung Squeaks

into the pit

She landed on a pile of other prisoners

and rolled to a bottommost corner

making a crinkle sound

as she went

I noticed a few horns

Sticking out of some bags

Broom-Face gave me a funny look

Then turned to The Computer Science Major

“That’ll be fifty bucks”

She cried

So

I cried

She gave him fifty dollars

We drove home crying

§

I learned that some Supervisors

Were just there

To take up space

They called those ones adults

Allegedly

they had once been children