The craziest thing I ever heard a judge say to me was, “Why won’t you fight harder to see your child?” “Fight?” I thought. As a society, how in the world did we get here? How did we get to the point where a mother or a father is put in a position where they have to “fight” to see their own child? I don’t mean to sound facetious, but in the olden days, do you know what would happen to your teeth if you kept a man from his kids? Here is the coparenting cheat code ladies and gentlemen, you must love your child more than you hate the other parent.

One of the most highly controversial topics today surrounds the question of whether it is possible to raise a son to be a man in the absence of his father, or at least a father figure. The same can be debated whether a daughter can be raised to be a woman without her mother. Well, I do not have the capability to intelligently speak on motherhood as I am obviously a man. But as a father of six sons and three daughters, here’s what I know. Some of the main attributes that sons require the most from their fathers are love, self-discipline, masculinity, and survivability skills. Adolescent girls, on the other hand, require their fathers’ love, protection, attention, and demonstrations of how they should be treated by a man.

I think that when it comes to raising a son, mothers have a lot to bring to the table. I can’t speak for daughters, but to a son, his mother is his first platonic crush, love, and wife. But when it comes to the wide spectrum of raising a son effectively, only the influence of a father will have the greatest impact.

There is a strong correlation between a father’s influence and the survivability of his son, especially as he gets older. Who would have ever thought that something as simple as survivability skills would be so life changing to a man? Who else is more qualified to speak masculine wisdom into the lives of young men? How else will they survive and overcome in a world that will literally chew them up and spit them out? How else will they know how to not relinquish their powers to the evil woman, the gold digger, and the slut puppy?

Who else is equipped to teach our young men the best ways to bounce back from adversities, rejections, and the ups and downs of life? Who will demonstrate to them how to work for everything and beg for nothing in a world where it’s every man for himself? Who’s going to teach the young men how to mask their emotions in public and channel their aggression the right way to keep them out of prison and the grave? Who holds the attributes to exemplify to a son how to adjust to different types of environments, communities, and social structures without compromising himself? Can mothers do all these things mentioned? I can’t confirm or deny. Can fathers? If they are willing, absolutely!

Based on the United States divorce trend in 2024, 20% of marriages end within the first five years. 32% of marriages end within the first 10 years. A whopping 48% of marriages end within 10 years when the marriage is before the age of 18 and 25% of marriages end after the age of 25. Recent studies have shown that 41% of first-time marriages in the United States end tragically in divorce. As many as 60% of second marriages end in divorce. The likelihood that third marriages will weather the storm is far worse as they end at an alarming 73% rate.

Numbers don’t lie, people do. In 2020, the Census Bureau released its latest Custodial Mothers versus Custodial Fathers Child Support Report. It revealed that mothers were more likely to have a child support order in place at 51% versus fathers at 41%. Fathers were more likely to never receive a single child support payment at 38% versus 29% for mothers.

Now let’s take an eye-opening look into another harsh reality. No statistical data exists to indicate children will grow up successful in the absence of their father. According to the U.S. National Center for Fathering, 85% of youths in prison come from fatherless homes. 71% of high school dropouts come from fatherless homes. 90% of all homeless and/or runaway children come from fatherless homes. 60% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes. Today nearly 25 million children in the U.S. live without their biological father.

I know we don’t live in a perfect world, but in the grand scheme of things, the constant involvement of both parents [mother and father] is the way God designed parenting to be. Ephesians 5:31 says, “For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.” But if we’re being honest, society’s attitude towards marriages is not all it’s cracked up to be.

Nowadays, very few relationships are built to last. I think we all can agree that the legendary “ride or die” type relationships are almost extinct in this day and age. Not that I’m old or anything, but I can remember an old song from the 1970s by a guy name Johnnie Taylor called, “Cheaper to Keep Her.” Although this song came out long before I was born, I remember how my friends and I used to laugh and make mockery of it, not realizing that there were many lessons to be learned from its lyrics. Not only did the artist insinuate that it was cheaper for a man to stay with his wife from a financial standpoint – but also it was beneficial to the wellbeing and future of his children. The greatest blessing a man can give his children is to be present 24/7. So, the only way a father can be present in that way is to stay with the mother – if he can.

I believe most men have the potential to be great fathers, that is, if the sun keeps shining. Let me explain. It doesn’t take a whole lot of effort to be a good dad when you don’t have to keep taking it on the chin, as they say. As a father, coparenting is really not that complicated as long as there are no restrictions. Coparenting comes easy then. But when access is restricted, parental rights are violated, and you start to lose faith in the process – coparenting then becomes a matter of fight or flight.

True story, I once knew a guy who suffered a tragic divorce. Right away, he was court ordered to pay child support to a woman who had cheated on him while they were still married, took away his kids, took away his home, and ran off with another man leaving him without a pot to piss in. This guy, whose name I am not at liberty to reveal, never missed a child support payment. He never came up short for his kids’ birthdays, holidays, you name it. In fact, he did extra. He bought shoes, clothes, and school supplies in conjunction with paying child support. He loved his children unconditionally and would have done anything in the world for them.

Two years later after the divorce, the ex-wife was met face to face with karma. To this day, I have never seen anyone downward spiral as fast as she did. She started messing around with some drug dealer she met off the street. In no time, he turned that woman into a drug fiend junkie – meth, cocaine, heroin, marijuana, shrooms, and more!

Before long, she got arrested on drug possession charges at her own residence. The kids witnessed the whole thing. As a result, Child Protection Services got involved, removed the children from the home, and placed them in short-term foster care. As soon as the father had found out, he drove half the night to where they were. The court granted him temporary custody that day.

A few days later, the father enrolled his kids into counseling and had them both tested for drugs. I am sad to say that both kids tested positive for marijuana, methamphetamine, and cocaine – and their levels were high. The father was so stunned after hearing the bad news he nearly fainted right in front of the doctor. Perhaps the children weren’t the only ones that needed counseling at that point.

For the next six months or so, the father and his new wife had to watch in terror all the mental and psychological effects of drug withdrawal that plagued his children on a routine basis. The oldest child had little to no attention span. His performance in school was awful. Even the simplest things were hard for him to comprehend. Unfortunately, the youngest child’s mental and emotional state was far worse than the eldest’s. At the age of seven, he could barely recite the ABCs. He would sometimes wet the bed at night because he had minimum control over his senses. The boy sleepwalked from room to room with his eyes wide open. It normally took several minutes to wake him up, but even then, he was like a zombie until the next morning. Long story short, both children had to be taught the basics of everything all over again.

Throughout this whole ordeal, there were zero chatter of child support for the father. The same court system that wasted no time in ordering him to pay child support uttered not a single word once the shoe was on the other foot. Why did Family Court, Child Support Services, and Child Support Enforcement suddenly go silent? Why didn’t they have the same energy for the father the way they did for the mother? What was it about the father that motivated the “powers that be” to aggressively come after him for child support but gloss over the mother?

In all fairness, yes, my friend could have called and gotten the process started himself, but he didn’t. Can you imagine why? The reason is not as complicated as we think. You see, he refused to allow how he felt about his ex-wife drive his emotions and reactions. He opted to take matters into his own hands instead of relying on some judge who would likely stir up more strife, more division, and more court appearances that, statistically speaking, favors mothers over fathers. The father could have easily driven a wedge between the children and their mother, but he refused. Instead, he encouraged a healthy relationship despite her imperfections. He didn’t do any of this for the mother’s benefit, he did it for his children’s.

Despite the ex-wife’s dark past, the father still allows her to call and spend uninterrupted time with the children. You can rest assured that it was his strength of character and integrity that preserved the love and adoration the kids still have towards their less than perfect mother. In retrospect, life can seem so unfair at times, but it can always be worse. The father’s resolution to his problem serves as proof that coparenting can be highly effective without the involvement of the legal system.