Lead in His Pencil
“Mofucka shot me in the dick! Shot me in the dick!”
Such was how a young intoxicated male described his complaint at the window of our waiting room. The key to a fast track through ER triage is to claim chest pain, or to say something likely to capture the attention of a competent triage nurse. Phrases the likes of,“my wife’s in the car having a baby,” or “there’s a giant centipede in this room and he’s ordering me to eat people” – all sure to trigger a rapid response. Profuse bleeding also qualifies as a justification for expediting a move forward in priority. Mr. Shot-me-in-the-dick had none of the above. No apparent evidence of blood about the appropriate anatomical area of his clothing, and his vital signs were normal.
After a small delay our man was placed in a trauma room. Other than marked intoxication accompanied with a great deal of outraged, bitter swearing, a quick inspection prior to disrobing was initially unremarkable. There was no hole in his trousers, but upon closer examination I did note a pencil eraser-sized dot of blood on the crotch of the fabric. After disrobing him I was shocked to see the glans (head) of his penis swollen to three times normal and a small drop of blood over an entry hole. There was no exit wound however. We sent the patient for a plain film X-ray and to our surprise, a metallic foreign body consistent with a .38 caliber round was identified in the head of this man’s penis. I don’t think this is what is meant by the usual libido-enhancing elixir's claim to put lead in your pencil.
Needless to say, after the constabulary arrived on the scene for questioning, this citizen became a very poor historian. No one ever learned how a .38 caliber round found its way into this man’s member. One can only surmise that he somehow had been engaged in some activity that provoked an armed male to extreme violence, and moreover, our patient’s penis had been in a fortified state of tumescence capable of stopping a 38.
