silk red

is the river between us

a dark pool

brimming with crimson splendour

atop the ash and dust

life wilds softly

kindly

just moments after

the violence ensued

in the pale light of the morning

your sudden absence

an unfamiliar void

I cannot fill

your white, soul-less gaze

cold and inescapable

where does life and death begin

along this river of culpability

where love turns to pain

in its merciless end

– silk river

please don’t cry

too much

I haven’t cleaned the gutters

and I don’t want

to cause a flood

– repression

I’m afraid

of opening the box

the ribbons

are deceptively colourful

but I know

the darkness inside

is endless

and will crush me

ruthlessly

under its power

– pandora

sometimes I lose the present

like a lace curtain

has fallen

between me and the world

I am neither here

nor gone

but somewhere in between

where the damp air fuels the rot

extracted

through a cold vacuum

from the last

vestiges of my body

like a lost ship

drifting in exile

calling out to life

in the distance

– dissociation

words

are the hardest

to say

time has stolen

and frozen them

in my throat

like cement

hardening

in a mine shaft

– frozen

find me

in the space between

the light

and the dark

in the crevices

where lonely hearts hibernate

to survive

this taut body

a soft cloak of armour

to repel all wondering eyes and

wondering hands

that follow me through

the days

and the nightmares

self-destructive

preservation

the only thing more bearable

than the truth

spoken from the crib:

that which is unspeakable

in this life

– the body keeper

the truth is, I love to lose

the pain is familiar

like cutting myself

when no one is watching

– counting losses

tell me

how you feel

let me comfort you

carry you

tell you everything

will be ok

lean on me

when the world

is too much

when the stress

and the pain

cripples you

depend on me

to lift you out of bed

to dress you

nourish you

push you

trust me

to always be there

to keep you

from falling apart

expect me

need me

use me

then watch me break

underneath you

– burdens

I wish I could get angry

like you

so unfiltered

and alive

it must be good

to feel things

in your own body

– filtered

I think I heard you say

that was nice

though I’m not sure who you were trying to convince.

maybe what you meant was

sorry

I thought you were just here for me to do what I want with

or

excuse me, I hope you don’t mind if I just rip you open

stuff myself inside you and sew you back together again

with

that was nice

as you glanced back

with a pang of guilt

swiftly buried for the sake of your own

conscience –

I’m sure

that was nice.

In fact I wish I felt as guilty

because resentment at my own

paralysis

stings

burns

from the place you invaded me

to the back of my throat

where I have to carry you around

inside of me

long after you picked up

your clothes

and left.

– nice boys

I can still feel you

inside of me

I never wanted you there

– scar

I see you

looming

in the crevices

stroking the follicles

on the back of my neck

with your breath

an absent face

in an ethereal dream

picks me apart

piece by piece

and defeat

grips me

the exits have faded

and we are alone

eclipsed by your shadow

I drown

in your hunger

tonight, I will let you take me

– depression

don’t look at me like that

so shrill

and discerning

you’re not allowed to see

what I hide

in the cupboard

– secrets

your bones

are just

a frail cocoon

for

a slowing heart

losing rhythm

calling out for

my

touch

but

brittle

between my fingertips

unsung secrets

drip

drip

from your lips

– bones

eating is overrated

she said

no matter how much

or little

I feed my body

it is still ugly

so I might as well stop

altogether

and yet

only love can feed beauty

– hunger

I’m so tired

of being your sponge

soaking up

all the feelings

you spill out onto the table

– sponge

no matter how much

you reject me

in the end

I’m always there for you

what would I know?

I’m just

someone with an opinion

– contempt

I must be your mirror

you hate everything about yourself

and you see it

in me

– conflict