Realm 1: Shadows of the Past
Realm 1: Shadows of the Past
It’s true anyone who is healing from a traumatic past will still see the shadows of it looming in the distance somewhere. That is the perverse magic of PTSD – like a time machine, it carries you back to these awful moments in time and it feels just like the first time. If you have read my first book, “The Shaping of a Diamond”, then you will understand exactly what I am talking about. These poems cover some of those very shadows which have crossed my path from time to time. I know forgetting is never going to be an option, so now I just channel my feelings to this creative venue and at least try to make something beautiful or profound come out of my horrid experiences and memories. These seven realms I am about to take you on a journey through are the ones in which I spend most of my time every day. At the end of this first realm, if you find yourself relating to my words, then high-five time! We truly are in this together and you are not alone!
Closed Doors*
I grew up with apprehension
once I wasn’t someone she’d adore
I’d brace myself for the tension
each time she closed the door
Then the pastor’s son
out looking to score
said the ‘game’ we’d play would be fun
as he quickly closed the door
Being abused by my son’s father
until I could take no more
Worse always went farther
every time he closed the door
My first husband was evil
He almost killed me, as I lay on the floor
He moved out after his belonging’s retrieval
while I was relieved that behind him, he closed the door
My third husband went to jail
his humanity, extremely poor
Every time he approached, I paled
praying he wasn’t about to close the door
After he left, he played mind games
trying to rekindle what I had felt before
but I knew things could never be the same
and had the courage to close the door
When I met my soulmate, I knew
I’d never felt this way before
and that I could start life anew
All I had to do…was close the door
*This poem was first printed in August of 2023 in “Imspired” magazine. It was featured in Issue 24 and the Volume 12 Print Edition which was released at the end of September 2023. Big thanks to Steve Cawte for helping me share it with the world!
Darkest Before the Dawn
The sunset of my childhood
marked the birth of adulthood
but as I held his hand
the shadows began to form
More and more of them
until I knew this was the sunset
of my own happiness
I lived in the darkness
with the beatings
the insults
the fornication
No matter whose
hand I held
the darkness only grew
A sentence of
20 years to life
was my punishment
for trying to love
the wrong men
Those who are
so damned that
they are undeserving
of anyone’s love
Then 2020 rolled around
and in the fall
hints of light
began to appear
His aura was so different
He was genuine with
his thoughts, feelings
and actions
As my love for him grew
the lock on my
self-made prison
sprung open
and the brightest
sunrise ever seen
filled my vision
My life since
has been filled
with mostly light
Shadows did try to
creep back in
like they always do
but it was just the sun
passing behind some
clouds, then bursting
back out, shining its
brilliance for all
to see
It is true
what they say
It is always darkest
before the dawn
Just never give up
and know that
your own
shimmering brilliance
is going to find you
and burn all
the darkness away
Evergreen
Such a basic tree
Ordinary but beautiful
A real-life reflection of myself
This tree of evergreen
Once upon a time, my only source of comfort
It’s been there my whole life
How many times I sought shade
Under the evergreen
When the days passed so fast
But the nights were so long
I’d miss the time I’d stolen away
Under the evergreen
Away from her piercing glare
Out of reach of her grasp
I knew that I was safe
Under the evergreen
Finally came the day
I got to leave that life behind
But I knew I’d never forget the solace found
Under the evergreen
So many years gone by
and I often catch myself asking
Is there now another broken girl sitting
Under the evergreen?
If its branches shielded me, they can protect you
It has a quiet wisdom
a way of helping you find answers
Under the evergreen
So daydream, in that park
Bask in the warmth of the sun
and treasure every moment spent
Under the evergreen
Invisible
Am I here?
Keep trying to grasp
onto something real
so I can tell that
I’m still alive
You just look
right through me
as if I were invisible
Perhaps I am
You don’t seem
to see the real me
smell my fear
feel my sadness
or taste my tears
Now I’m left wondering
whether I’ve disappeared
completely or
just from your care
your sight
your heart
How am I supposed
to know what’s real anymore
when your love
was the only constant
that I’ve believed in
all these years?
Please tell me
nothing has changed
and that you still
know my heart
belongs with yours
Nothing can separate us
unless something becomes
more important than
our love and comes
between us
As long as I
draw breath
nothing will take
the place of you
as my other half
I’ll always see
your beautiful eyes
and hope the next
time I check
they’re looking at me,
not through me
It Should Have Been Her
Time passes
but with a vast difference
Sometimes you wish
a certain time could
last forever
and other times
wish for salvation
from the horrible moments
Yet, time is perverse
it speeds up happy moments
creating just a blur
and slows time
for that which we don’t
wish to experience
My hate-filled mother
for example
Why couldn’t she have
been the one that
passed away?
I carry sixteen years
of silent screams
Then, five years later
my father left this world
casting me into a sea
of morose nightmares
re-living how she killed him
with wet diamonds trailing
down my cheeks
He has now been gone
longer than he was here
with me
It should have been her
Twenty-three years was the cost
robbed of time that belonged to us
Twenty-three years of sorrow
nailed me down to the ground
Years she didn’t deserve
Death, how could you
make such an egregious error?
This irreversible pain…
it should have been her
It should have been her
Never Home
It never felt like home
as an awkward child
so out of place
I used to dream about where I’d go
My imagination running wild
As tears streamed down my face
Bullies who taunted me
A house full of secrets
Darkness loomed in every corner
I can hear her hateful voice – it still haunts me
but I left that behind with no regrets
Her funeral won’t have a single mourner
The memories will always remain
They taint every inch of it well
I wish they’d vanish without a trace
Nearly drove me insane
The core of my own personal hell
My birthplace, Mesa
I will never go back
It holds now power over me
Surviving its worst made me strong
My life now on track
I can clearly see
now I am right where I belong
Satellite Eye
The satellite eye
captures an overview
of a house which looks
foreboding from the outside
But inside, it was a house
of horrors
hoarded to the ceiling now
A childhood and teenage existence
lost and buried under years
of pure pain
My old clothes a moldering pile
by the hot water heater
There’s that corner I was beaten in
and a room where I was choked
The walls storing so much sorrow
and anguish that I wish
it would burn to the ground
and release the prisoner
trapped there in time
How did she get away with it?
Abuse, murder, years of lies
but all anyone sees is
a frail, smiling old woman
No one knows how dangerous
this snake is
A rattlesnake, not a boa
Appearance deceptive
You get too close
and realize too late
as fangs puncture your jugular
Release me, witch!
I left you in the dust long ago
the memories I have been forced to carry
Take them!
You can lie in misery
with the memories of
what you did
so they remind you
why you’ll always be
afraid and alone
and why you have
no power over me
I am free
and I’ll never be anything
more than the ‘me’ I am
Spiderwebs*
She tried to steal the spotlight
sitting so high above us all
Not caring about wrong or right
as she plotted our family’s downfall
Cagey like a spider
Her presence, unsettling
Nothing was off limits to her
Everyone fair game for her meddling
“Your aunt said this about you”
“Your grandma thinks you’re the worst”
It didn’t matter whether it was true
she made me believe I was cursed
Spanning out in all directions
Ripples like flows and ebbs
The light caught the invisible reflection
of all her spiderwebs
She knew her only hope
was to keep us all apart
I thought she might change, but nope
She reveled in breaking my heart
Once my aunt and I
were able to see through her lies
I couldn’t fathom just why
she never stopped cutting me down to size
I guess doing my father in wasn’t enough
sending him six feet below
just to prove she was tough
My mother, the Black Widow
She enjoyed the misery she caused
Thinking no one could see through her charade
Each time she’d spin another web, I paused
Realizing what an impenetrable wall she’d made
After learning the truth, I tried to reach out
I wrote to my dad’s mom, who I had never gotten to meet
I was filled with doubt
Would she be mean or sweet?
I got a phone call back from an aunt I’d never met
She told me I’d missed my grandma by 8 months
She had died…and I’d never get
to even hug her once
I did make it out there in time
to meet my Grandpa Herb
Got to drink margaritas with fresh lime
while we sat out on the curb
My aunt told me that Grandma Lola had been looking for me
She had wanted me in her life
but I was the one person she didn’t get to see
All because of my father’s wicked wife!
One day, justice will be done
She’ll be judged by the highest power
God, who sees everyone
who can see every day, minute, or hour
Once she’s answered for her sins
those plagued by her will have a brand-new day
and we’ll all be wearing our biggest grins
as we brush those spiderwebs away
*This poem was first published in Volume 32 Issue 2 of “Fine Lines” magazine in July 2023. Big thanks to David Martin for selecting this poem to include with so many other talented poets’ works!
The Revelation
I believed you when you said I was beautiful
and when you told me you would love me forever
I soon felt like the biggest fool
when our connection you did sever
All your lies melted away
in the clear light of honesty
The moment I heard you say
that I needed you more than you needed me
Your words installed doubt in me
I never wanted to trust again
I cried out to God on bended knees
to stop allowing me to fall for dishonest men
Doubting I could ever make it without you
kept me stuck over a decade and a half
But once I saw I could make it through
I couldn’t help but laugh!
You’re the one who said I needed you more…
but in fact, the truth is hilarious to tell
Your life without me became a burdensome chore
and my rise to freedom was your descent into hell
You stole my house from me
then couldn’t qualify to refinance it
I wondered how stupid you could possibly be
while noting everything you touched after the divorce turned to shit
You sold it a year too early
barely made enough to cover buying your new place
60 more pounds that don’t make you burly
but that do make you look like a disgrace
Picked a crook for a home builder
They stole your down payment
You lost any filter
and just whined about your torment
You lived for 2 years in a camping trailer
on an obscure plot of land
You stood proudly as your own life’s derailer
pretending everything was still going as planned
while you fought to get your down payment back
and find a new contractor
You never kept track
of your wild spending with a calculator
You owed 10 grand to the IRS
Trailer and truck took turns breaking down
By that point, it was anyone's guess
if your face could do anything besides frown
Although I believed you at first
that I might not make it on my own
I began to feel like someone freed from a curse
knowing any seed of mine sewn
would yield wonderous fruit
Graduated from college with a 4.0
Shed 30 pounds from my birthday suit
Got a job with almost double the pay working from home
Found the love of my life
and a bigger house to rent
I became the lucky wife
of that wonderful gent
Checked off some of my bucket list things
Dream vacation and a million pics
Self-publishing my book, which made my heart sing
Knowing because my husband exists, not all men are dicks
So, looking back, who needed who?
Clearly you needed me
but now you’re screwed
and I’m free!
You’ll keep weaving your tale for pity
which I don’t care to hear
I’ve moved to a new city
where my future is bright and clear
