CHAMPAGNE AND A SNEEZE
If you could witness God playing dice with the Universe, you’d probably hear Him chuckle and mumble, “If it wasn’t for this, and if it wasn’t for that ...”
The series of accidents that made me what I am today is surreal. It’s hard to imagine how a simple human could turn into a demigod. I developed like a video game character that gets upgraded in a precise sequence of moments, each improvement changing the dynamics and the difficulty of the entire game.
Why did I become what I am, you ask? Am I here to kill you or lead you to Paradise? Well, this isn’t my choice. On a whim of destiny, one can die a mere pawn, forgotten by history, or become an immortal king or queen, admired by future generations.
But heed my warning! You, too, are a parachuting dandelion seed, with no control over its flight. The wind of life can gently blow you down the field to spawn a thousand descendants or throw you right into a river to drown.
It’s irrelevant whether you choose to consider these events serendipitous or mishaps. They are indifferent to your opinion. They unwind and coalesce the universe in one particular and peculiar way that seems entirely random. Thus, your life appears to follow no design. Not to your narrow mind, anyway.
— DeSousa’s Memoirs - Part I - Beginning - 2053
François woke slowly to the gentle sound of several citril finches chirping right above his head. Lying on his back and still half asleep, he squinted.
His meta-enhanced contacts kicked in right away, seamlessly overlaying the dull ceiling of his studio with cute little virtual birds, and the wooden top of his canopy bed with waves of bougainvillea flowers. His brain barely registered the interplay of the mustard yellow of the bird’s plumage and the flowers’ vibrant crimson-magenta. The white noise of a waterfall, or possibly incoming rain, along with what might have been insects humming, mesmerized him further. The tranquility overwhelmed him and he smiled, as the remnants of a bad dream gradually dissipated. He closed his eyes again, immersed in the irresistible monotony of the surrounding sounds, his mind slipping into the bewildering realm between reality and dreams.
Suddenly, a worry flashed through his mind, and he mumbled, “The humidity ... will damage the wood ... how did I let those flowers grow there?” He frowned. “And the bird droppings! I don’t want them on my sheets!” That had the effect of a slap on the face. He woke up in a panic and lifted his head up, leaning on his elbows. The magic of the moment disappeared as the illusion became apparent. He had left the Cybersperse on last night before falling asleep. Irritated, he blinked fast three times to turn it off.
“Merde! How I hate this. We were better off living in caves,” he said, although there was nobody there to hear other than his personal AI assistant, Brigitte. He was upset at the realization that, half-asleep, he had enjoyed the meta environment. With a jerky move, he pushed aside the white blanket and sat on the bed.
“Bonjour, Maître,” Brigitte promptly greeted him, an invisible voice from behind the walls. “Your e-pajama tells me you went through all your sleep cycles, yet you didn’t sleep enough. May I recommend ...”
“Ferme-la! Shut up and go,” he stopped her short, scratching his head and yawning.
“I’m afraid I don’t understand this,” the AI answered in its neutral voice, which still gave him the impression it was irritated after one of his abusive commands.
François rolled his eyes. He’d purposely set up the assistant to call him “master”, pretending that it was his first name. This kind of mistreatment had led to mild complaints from his more liberal friends, in particular Marie, who cringed when she heard him abuse anybody speaking in a woman’s voice.
He stood up and instantly felt dizzy, which scared him. He prayed it was only his hypochondriac nature that was getting the better of him.
Oui, I need to sleep more, he thought, grabbing one of the bed poles. Last night he had stayed awake until 2:00 a.m., refining his conference presentation, adjusting his refinements, and then polishing his adjustments until, on a fresh read, he thought that it all sounded fake and boring.
The conference! he panicked, instantly glancing at the time display on the wall. It was already 6:05 a.m. He needed to catch the 7:30 a.m. train from Nice.
He rushed to the shower and came out five minutes later, all wet and shivering, feeling more energized and in a better mood. One advantage of living in a tiny studio was that it warmed up fast.
“Brigitte, turn the temperature up three degrees and show me the news,” he asked, starting a public broadcast in his Cybersperse space. A man and a woman, formally dressed, sitting at a desk adorned with a small Euronews logo, materialized in a corner of his room, near the window, par- tially covering his dining table. With a scoff, he moved the image over his bed as he got dressed.
“Richard, this is now the tenth time this year that Chinese and NATO drones have engaged in some form of a skirmish in the South China Sea,” the woman announced directly.
Her interlocutor nodded.
“Do you think this is a sign of worse things to come?” she asked provocatively.
“No,” the man answered confidently. “This is merely muscle-flexing, each side showing that it can fight, if it ever comes to that. There is no reason to assume such a fight would ever happen.”
“We might have passed the muscle-flexing stage long ago,” François muttered, shaking his head.
“There you go, folks,” the woman announced in a cheerful voice. “Richard Dixon, Euronews’s combat psychology expert, says that we don’t need to worry much about this incident either.”
Then she turned her head to a different camera, and Richard vanished from the room.
François opened the refrigerator mechanically, wondering if the EU propaganda machine had fabricated this news. Were people that gullible? A war between NATO and China would be devastating and catastrophic for the future of the human species.
He realized that the only food available was some ancient milk and half a bagel. Out of instinct, he looked behind the refrigerator door. The large display inundated with warning signs told him he was missing everything from vegetables to eggs and meat. Disgusted, he remembered that a couple of days before he had silenced the e-notifications from most devices, too annoyed to put up with the constant bombardment of ads.
That’s what I get for being a maverick, he scolded himself. At least now I have a better chance of catching the train.
He went back to his tiny desk and grabbed a rolling tablet slightly bigger than a cigar and a small bag with one change of clothes that he had prepared the previous day. There wasn’t much else to take since he was planning to stay just one night. He looked around. His small studio was messy, with clothes on the ground and the bed disheveled. Pizza cartons and leftovers covered his desk and table. The kitchen sink was full too and was already emitting a stench if he got close enough. If he did nothing, by the time he came back, an entire ecosystem would develop that risked polluting the world further.
“Brigitte, get the hobgoblins to clean up after I’m gone,” he sighed, deeply unhappy to have to resort to that.
“You got it,” she answered faithfully. “Hobgoblins will clean up as soon as you leave.”
He couldn’t help but chuckle at how dupable the AI was, ready to put up with and go along with every mildly offensive nickname he invented.
The cleaning crew was a bunch of small machines with half a dozen rope-like appendices. They rolled on wheels and occasionally extended three protuberances that allowed them to step over a small obstacle or climb stairs as long as the obstacles were not too tall, the stairs not too abrupt, the floor not too slippery, the geometry of the room not too unusual, and so on. They knew how to vacuum, throw garbage into the bin, grab and sort clothes lying around, arrange the bedsheet, and load the dishwasher with everything they found in the sink. The trouble was that they often left the room in a worse shape than it had been when they started cleaning it. François hated finding clean clothes in the washing machine and dirty ones half-folded on the bed, home decorations in the garbage bin, the occasional broken plate in the dishwasher, and so on. God forbid he forgot one of his small gadgets around the kitchen, since it could easily end up soaked in the dishwasher for hours. If he had owned a shredder, the little devils would probably chop his clothes to pieces.
François reflected for a moment on how much he enjoyed his cozy living space, even though it was modestly furnished. Besides the small working desk and eating table, used interchangeably for either activity, he had just two chairs and the unusually big bed—his most precious piece of furniture that was made of genuine wood and manually sculpted. Although it occupied nearly half of the room, François thought it made him look more interesting to visitors. Initially, he was disgusted by the thought of having a sink in the same room where he ate and slept. But he’d got used to it. The studio was a far cry from the mansion he had grown up in a few kilometers away in Èze. Having his own space gave him the independence he so much cherished, even though it was a huge step-down. This had been the main reason he had moved to Villefranche-sur-Mer. It was far enough to have a life of his own, yet only twenty minutes away from a visit to his mother. He couldn’t imagine leaving his beloved Côte d’Azur.
“Maître, now would be the time to leave the apartment if you want to catch the train,” Brigitte interrupted his daydreaming. “Should I order a taxi?”
“Yes, please do so,” he answered, startled.
With a last glance back and butterflies in his stomach, he stormed out the door and down the stairs. The moment he stepped outside, he got a notification that the temperature was 65 degrees Fahrenheit. The sky was clear, and the weather promised to stay nice throughout the day. He kept the contact lens augments on while waiting for the cab to arrive, just in case.
His apartment building faced north, so he couldn’t admire the sea. Although born and raised on the French Riviera, every single time he was outside, he instinctively looked for the immensity of the water with a desperation he never understood. For now, though, he was content to rest his eyes on the lush bushes and flowers growing orderly around every small building and fence. He smiled, thinking that the date palm trees with their feathery, vibrant green leaves looked elegant. It was as though the narrow streets and neat yellow houses popping up everywhere were in a constant fight with plant life. The scene looked like a LEGO arrangement made by a kid with mild OCD who’d laid a pristine toy town in a jungle of green, pink, and white, careful to cover all details: a copper curly doorknob, a street pole, a portion of red sidewalk, and a chic bakery. The shrubberies were trimmed to perfection, and trees were just the right height.
François smiled bitterly. All except for a minor flaw. Too few people, he thought.
Ever since the latest version of the immersive Cybersperse came out a decade before, fewer people had left their houses unless absolutely neces- sary. Why should they? From the comfort of their homes, they could work, exercise, order food, meet everybody, and even have virtual sex. They could travel to every resort on Earth or visit any museum. About one in twenty people became addicted to shady Cybersperse sections, and, occasionally, a poor soul starved to death in the arms of a prostitute or in a virtual game.
The cab pulled over in front of his building. It was a tiny hydrogen-fueled Citroën with room for one person only. François got in and tried to relax. It was a twenty-minute ride to the Nice train station. The traffic was light. As the taxi started its descent towards the M6098 highway, the small, mostly bare hills of Èze came into view to the east, still hiding the sun for now, and towering over the surreal azure sea. François thought about how fortunate he was to have been born here. Whenever he was outdoors, he felt intoxicated by the beauty of his homeland. Like a drunk sipping his wine, he imbibed with the smell and sight of the water; he felt hypnotized by the aroma and colors of the nearly year-round flowers, and he looked in awe at the mountains keeping vigil by the sea. He had once told Marie that the order he could find in the random placement of buildings soothed his troubled spirit. She had looked puzzled at him and smiled, and he had felt embarrassed to have confessed his emotions like that.
The taxi interrupted his thoughts with a laconic announcement. “You have reached your destination. Please exit the vehicle. Bonne journée!”
François jumped out and left without looking back at the little car departing.
Just then, Brigitte felt it necessary to point out in her suave voice, for his ears only, “Maître, your train is leaving in five minutes from track five.”
François sighed at this unwelcome notification, although he admitted Brigitte was useful, and resolved to leave her on the entire trip. The train bound for Paris was on track five, as Brigitte had said. About fifty people were getting on board.
He stepped in. The car’s hallway was clean and futuristic, although cold for his taste, with gray and silver walls on which little screens welcomed him every few meters, a plastic blue self-cleaning carpet, and a shiny railing at waist level. Eventually, he got comfortable in his cabin, all alone. Lost in thought, he barely noticed that the train had taken off, and it was picking up speed. His stomach gurgled, and he remembered he hadn’t eaten that morning.
“Brigitte, order an omelet, black tea with milk, and two slices of buttered whole wheat from the food car. And toast, please.”
“Got it. An omelet, black tea, and toast, Maître.”
Ten minutes later, he walked to the food car and picked up his breakfast in a small box. He ate alone in his cabin, watching the trees rush by the window with maddening speed. He unrolled his tablet. The cheesy title of his presentation, “AMPA - Adaptable Multi-Parallel Algorithm,” made him cringe. With a sigh, he was about to rehearse it when a notification popped up in his augmented view. It carried Marie’s freckled face with her mesmerizing turquoise eyes. His heart swelled, and he accepted the connection right away.
“Hey, smarty, ready for the big show?” she asked with a yawn.
François could see her polka dot white pajama blouse, under which her breasts seemed to flow unconstrained. He pushed the image out of his mind and tried to focus on her face. “Bonjour, beautiful! Yes, I’m ready to be embarrassed.”
“Oh, please. Can’t you at least once in your life stay positive?” she replied with a grimace.
“You’re right, sorry.” He was quick to please her, although he hated how she patronized him and how he wasn’t man enough to push back.
“What have you got to lose? You go there, present your stuff, and see if anyone cares to talk to you. Who knows, perhaps you’ll land your dream job?”
“I’ll do my best. Don’t hold your breath, though. As I’ve told you ten times already, I doubt anybody cares about my obscure algorithm.”
“There you go again with your pessimism!” Marie threw her hands up in desperation.
François swallowed his reply. He was acting like a teenage boy scolded by his mother, wanting to tell her he loved her, but not able to fight off the hormones in his head and adopting a rebellious attitude. There seemed to be only two choices for him every time Marie talked to him condescendingly. Either a cowardly retreat into his shell with a frozen face or blurt out an inappropriate joke that only annoyed her further and made him regret talking.
“I tell you what ... When you come back tomorrow night, swing by my apartment and tell me everything about it. I bet it will go much better than you expect. Alright?”
“Fine,” he agreed, trying to hide the irritation in his voice. How I wish we’ll do more than just talk, he added in his mind, then quickly banished the thought that made him feel guilty.
“Good. Now I need to go. My boss scheduled a meeting at 8:00 a.m., and I can’t show up like this. Cheers!” She took one step back so that he could see more of her body under the pajamas. “Take care of yourself! I’ll be waiting for the good news!”
“Au revoir and good luck with your meeting,” he said in a fake, slightly trembling voice.
As her face disappeared from his field of view, François thought about how she seemed to always tease and tempt him with brief glimpses of her body. It was a little too familiar, as if she knew how much he loved her, or was unbelievably naïve and treated him like one of her girlfriends, in front of whom she could appear almost naked and for whom she had no attraction. Maybe she thought of him as a ‘best friends forever’ teenage girl friend where they could confess their innermost thoughts and feelings to each other.
François had loved her for over fifteen years. Marie had already celebrated her thirtieth birthday in January, while his turn was to come in just five days. So she was, technically, his senior, but that was certainly not the reason she bossed him around. He suspected that she instinctively found him weak and didn’t look at him as if he were a man. He dreaded the fact that she wasn’t physically attracted to him, no matter how smart or funny or pleasing he tried to be.
He remembered vividly when she had first come into his life. He and his twin sister Isabelle were then fifteen years old. They had just started la seconde, the first stage of their three years of high school. Their father had been dead for over five years, one of the many people who fell victim to the purple flu pandemic of the ’30s. Their mother had met Marie’s mother at a party in Cannes, way before the fully immersed Cybersperse when nearly all parties were still face-to-face. Marie’s family had just moved to Côte d’Azur. Her father, a successful writer, whose parents emigrated to France from Syria, suffered from Crohn’s disease and the doctors recommended he live in a milder climate. He had changed his name to Chateau, which rendered him the illusion that he fit better into this new world. Her mother was a rich Japanese woman who had fallen in love with the European culture and who had permanently moved to France. Marie was born in France and knew close to nothing of the cultures of her parents’ original countries. Shortly after their mothers connected in Cannes, Marie’s family came over to Èze. It turned out that Isabelle already knew Marie from school, so they’d clicked right away.
Marie’s jovial, natural attitude towards François shocked him at first. Her constant jabs, spontaneous hugs, and casual fist bumps made her look like one of his buddies. Yet, her thin body was shaped so that it poisoned his mind in ways no boy could. In a few months, they had become so familiar that she would kiss him on the lips unexpectedly, only to shove him aside playfully when he wanted to do the same. The three of them had spent most of their high school years together, learning, but also mocking romantic dramas among their colleagues, gossiping about some pregnancy here, or some drug abuse there.
François had tried repeatedly to get physically involved with her, but she had always pushed him away laughing, leaving him utterly confused. Then her eighteenth birthday came. She’d had a small party with just a few colleagues. Her parents had left home for the night. Most people, François included, had got drunk. Somehow, he was the last to stay. Even Isabelle had left. He vaguely remembered how Marie had dragged him into a bedroom where he’d planned to fall asleep. Then she’d taken her blouse off, out of the blue. The sight of her breasts had turned him on. It was the only time they’d made love. François regretted ever since that he had been so wasted that he recalled so little about it. Since then, he told himself repeatedly that he must have enjoyed it immensely, so that by now he was semi-convinced he had. He always wondered if she had been equally drunk. They had woken up in the morning naked, in each other’s arms. Her expression, standing out in the disheveled room, betrayed her embarrassment. That prompted him to leave soon after, without even a goodbye kiss. They’d never spoken about that night. François liked to think that it was their little secret, although he hated that they never took their relationship further after that. No matter how many subtle and not-so-subtle cues he gave her, she always rejected him.
The three of them then went to college in Paris. The girls majored in psychology at Université Paris-Saclay, but were barely accepted because of their not-so-stellar high school results. Isabelle did her diploma in Consumer Behavior, which landed her a job with a major marketing company. Marie specialized in the long-term effects of technology, researching the impact avatars, the most advanced forms of AI, have on humans. François, by far the brightest one, was admitted among the top four percent at École Normale Supérieure to get a degree in Computational Neuroscience. He often joked he would create brain simulacra that would break real people’s minds so that Marie would never lose her job.
The fully immersive Cybersperse launched in their junior year. Everybody went through a sudden transformation, and their triangle did too. Each of them met other people, mostly virtually. François ended up sleeping with three girls in the next couple of years, not enjoying it too much. He knew of two guys Marie dated during that time, and he hadn’t cared much about it. Somehow, he was sure he was over Marie, but Isabelle kept on bringing her over to his room.
In their last year of college, the three of them rebelled against virtual/ augmented reality and insisted on meeting in person. He remembered one night, when he and Marie were alone, how incredibly sick he felt when she started confessing to him her most inner thoughts about her love life. He dismissed her with a shout and left the room. Her painful, reproachful eyes remained imprinted on his brain. That was when he understood there was no way he would ever give her up.
After college, the girls returned to Nice. For a few months, Isabelle had gotten involved in a five-way polyamory relationship, but somehow that hadn’t worked out either.
François continued his studies in Paris where he eventually got his Ph.D. Marie used to visit him every day, sometimes for hours, either via the Cybersperse or in person. Yet, he was terrified to try to kiss her in case she rejected him and moved out of his life forever.
I’m a perfect puppy, showing up when called, dismissed when the keeper is bored, and thrown a little bone from time to time to ensure loyalty.
There was no other talk of a boyfriend of hers or a girlfriend of his for several years, except a few weeks back, when Isabelle mentioned a guy in Italy with whom Marie was in contact. She’d said something about how chic it was to communicate via paper letters in the second half of the 21st century. François did his best not to panic and worked hard to push the thought of a competitor out of his head. After all, Marie had mentioned nothing, and she continued to be around him, virtual or real, every day.
François knew Marie had always held him in high regard. She often told him, only half-jokingly, that he will be the one to “save the world,” “make the discovery of the century,” and “double their life span.” He was eager to live up to her expectations, but years passed by with nothing significant happening in his career. Ever since finishing his Ph.D., he hadn’t been entirely sure what he was supposed to do. The idea of postdoctoral research mildly attracted him, but he felt it wasn’t enough. He applied for jobs at a handful of large corporations. Either they didn’t consider him qualified, or they accepted him, but he ultimately rejected their offer after understanding more about the job he was supposed to do. That was why he ended up freelancing, developing small programs on demand for just enough to live modestly without asking his mother for money. All the work he had done so far was boring and fruitless. The possibility of doing anything remarkable in his life was dwindling by the day.
It was Marie who he had to thank—or blame—for going to the conference. About a month ago, the three of them had been in François’s apartment, celebrating Easter. It was more a reason to drink a few of the famous little bottles of Blue Nun 24K Gold Edition Champagne with tiny gold flakes in them. It was something that seemed to thrill Marie, but which François found ridiculous and pointless. With a sigh, François brought up and played the video recording of the event.
Since his room was small, Marie and Isabelle were lying in his famous bed, while he was sitting on a chair. Seeing Marie’s happy face, François felt warm inside and congratulated himself for recording that evening. Marie had brought over a score of little chocolate bunnies and the champagne. Isabelle insisted on saying a prayer, since they were, after all, celebrating Jesus’ resurrection. This detail seemed less and less associated with Easter by the young generations. While she was reciting the creed, not without some difficulty, they rolled their eyes and pretended to be serious for her sake.
After each of them had three or four mini-bottles of champagne, Marie could not resist poking at Isabelle. “I don’t know if I believe God resurrected Jesus, but I’m sure the gold in this champagne is magical. As we drink it, we’ll develop supernatural abilities. In the next couple of years, we’ll achieve wondrous things. Beware of this power, it’s intoxicating!”
Isabelle admonished her, while he let out a shout of “hear! hear!” and laughed. Just then, Marie sneezed, spilling the precious contents of her half-full mini-bottle on her pretty blouse. Isabelle immediately pointed out that God didn’t sleep, and He didn’t like to be made fun of, so He’d exerted a mild punishment right away. Meanwhile, Marie frantically looked for something to wipe away the liquid and the “magical” gold from her blouse. She opened, out of instinct, the top drawer of François’s desk. The wet gold flakes dropped from her blouse straight on the few pieces of paper there. The image of the stain of gold and champagne trembling on the paper stuck in François’s mind. He jumped up and tried to clean the paper, which made Marie cross. It was unusual for him to care about a piece of paper more than about her.
“Uh-oh, what do we have here?” Marie grabbed the paper out of François’s hand.
“Ah, it’s nothing, just my old adaptable algorithm. The other day I had an idea to improve it and I jotted it down on this paper.”
“So, you are working on something!” Marie exclaimed triumphantly, and her face suggested she had forgotten entirely about the stain on her blouse.
“Don’t you remember?” he asked, surprised. “This is the algorithm I started while I was doing my Ph.D. I used to talk a lot about it. I worked on it on and off, well, mostly off lately.”
“Ah, that,” Marie had answered, sounding somewhat disappointed.
“Well, laugh if you must. This thing has been bothering me for a decade now. It’s like a prisoner trapped in my head, which I’m trying to set free by expressing it properly on paper.”
“Did you ever show it to anyone?” Isabelle asked.
“No, why should I? You guys make out of this much more than it is.” “But you must, you simply must!” Marie insisted.
“It’s not something with a practical application. These days, people in my industry are concerned with serious AI research, not with abstract, useless algorithms. We have virtual and physical assistants, large language models, better and better neocortex simulators, and faster processing machines. Even the humanoid robots seem to get less awkward by the week. I should have invented this a hundred years ago.”
“I know!” Marie smashed her hand on the desk, ignoring his long justification. “Isabelle, didn’t you say that your company is preparing the marketing material for Paris Neuromimetic 2053? I know that’s a conference where all the big shots in AI are going. It’s happening from June 17 to 24. That’s the place for you to go.”
François rolled his eyes and protested. “If you think they would be interested in this pre-nascent, useless, theoretical joke that my brain can’t spit out properly, you’re very naïve.”
“But François, you’re not even trying! You sulk in your self-deprecation and enjoy it. What are you waiting for? Retirement?”
François paused the recording, suddenly annoyed again, but couldn’t stop thinking about the rest of that evening. Half an hour of arguments back and forth had followed, souring the celebratory mood, at the end of which he gave up, promising to write to some professors at École Normale Supérieure who might put him in contact with the conference organizers. After days of emails, replies, and summaries, his old professor got him registered to present his algorithm. François suspected that his professor simply liked the idea of one of his ex-students being part of the conference. Marie had let out a joyful cry when he had confirmed he would present his algorithm there. She seemed determined to make his presentation her pet project.
Looking out the window at the fiery yellow of Provence’s fields shimmering under the assault of the morning sun, François pictured in his head the sparkly flakes of gold jiggling in a tiny puddle of champagne on his paper.
And this is how champagne and gold can ruin a party, he mused, shivering at the thought that this was, most probably, his last shot at doing something valuable with his life.
