Aliens Are Real (And They Suck)
A lot of great stories begin with Boy meets Girl. Mine’s no different except right after Boy met Girl, things turned weird.
I’d been minding my own business, running to class (I was late again, but in my defense, I’d been in the middle of a most excellent video game) when she slammed into me from behind. I barely kept myself from face-planting on the sidewalk.
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” a sweet, feminine voice said.
I spun to chew her out; I gaped instead. This redhead wore faded jeans and a white low-cut V-neck shirt that accentuated curves I didn’t think existed outside the pages of a Playboy magazine.
She personified lusciousness.
“S’okay,” I managed to get out, which was impressive considering that my brain had fully disconnected from my body. In my defense, her V-neck was really low-cut.
She bent to pick up the books she’d dropped, revealing a butterfly tattoo on her lower back. I admired the artwork, or something like that.
“Here, allow me.” I rushed to pick up her books and noticed an Advanced Calculus textbook. Gorgeous and smart, and way out of my league.
She smiled as she tucked them under her arm. “Thank you, Frank.”
The campus bells rang at the top of the hour. Class had just started, which meant it was a galactic inevitability that my grade just dropped to a C for recurring tardiness. Not that grades really matter when you’re going to be a truck driver, but still, I have some ambition.
I frowned. “Wait a second. You know me?”
“Of course. You’re the reason I’m here.”
She grabbed my hand. Her skin was surprisingly cold to the touch and really… squishy. A jolt of electric lava shot from her palm and through me, followed by a numbing blackness that drowned me.
***
I woke to a blinding light and the pungent stink of sweaty gym socks. The gray floor under me looked like it’d started out as white a long time ago. My head throbbed, and I brought my hand up to find a goose egg on my forehead. “Ow.”
I noticed my hand hurt, too, and I found three raised red dots on my palm. I adjusted my glasses, but they were dirty. I tried to clean them on my shirt but probably just wound up rearranging the dirt. When I slid them back on, I found the hot girl from campus standing in front of me.
“Your head hurts because you hit it on the sidewalk. That’s not my fault. Maybe next time you’ll pass out on the grass,” she sneered.
Why were hot girls always so mean?
“What hap…” I trailed off as my memories returned. I kicked away, scurrying until my back was pressed against a wall. I pointed at her. “You… what’d you do to me?”
“Transporting you in your unconscious form was the most efficient way to transport you. It’s a well-known fact that your kind isn’t known for its intelligence, and I didn’t want to spend time tending to your questions.”
“Not all guys are idiots, you know.” I shoved to my feet, scanning the big gray, cube-shaped room. The walls were the same dirty color as the floor and covered in scuffs and stains. There didn’t seem to be a door, let alone windows. “I can’t believe it! You’ve kidnapped me.! The hottest girl I’ve ever seen, and she kidnaps me! Inconceivable!”
“I most certainly did not kidnap you. On the contrary, I’ve already filed all the necessary revised forms to onboard you. I was fortunate to have found you. New paperwork takes forever to process right now, what with the Rifugellian protests and all.”
I started to feel utterly trapped. “Where am I? Why am I here? What are you going to do to me?”
“I can answer all your questions with a single statement: you’re here because you’re going to work for me,” she said.
“Thanks but no thanks. I’ll pass. Let me out of here now, and I won’t press charges. People are going to come looking for me.” My stupid voice crackled with nervousness.
She chuckled, and the sound was more sinister than pleasant. “We both know that no one’s going to come looking for you, Frank Woods, son of Caleb Woods. You have no family, and your only friend, at this very moment, is in bed, fornicating with your girlfriend.”
“Ex-girlfriend, and ex-friend.” At least as of a whole three hours ago. My eyes narrowed. “Ah, I get it. You’re one of Clarissa’s friends, aren’t you? Just because I dumped her, she’s decided to do some sort of messed up, psycho revenge thing, hasn’t she?”
“I’ve never been in contact with your girlfriend.”
“Ex-girlfriend.” I reiterated. “And tell Clarissa she’s gone way too far this time. Whatever this is.” I gestured around me. “It ain’t funny.”
She eyed me for a moment. “I hope I didn’t fly all the way out here, in the middle of nowhere, to pick up a defective.”
“You flew to Nebraska just for me?”
“Of course,” she replied, the annoyance transparent in her voice. “Why else would you be on my ship right now?”
“Ship? Wait, I thought you said you flew here. Why are we on a boat?”
“Wrong kind of ship, you bonehead.”
“Hey, sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” I sang.
“You’re on my spaceship.”
I chortled. “Sure thing. Ha ha—holy crap!”
The room had morphed from a small, whitish room to a larger, whitish room. In the expanded space, screens covered one wall, and cabling ran along all corners and edges. A cylindrical tube sat against another wall. Round windows now appeared on every wall, the floor, and even ceiling. None of the windows were of the same size, which made them look like something Alice would find in Wonderland.
It was dark outside, but I’d been on my way to my ten AM class. Even worse, it seemed too dark outside despite the stars twinkling brighter than I’d ever seen them. There were no streetlights, which could only mean I was no longer near campus. I hustled to the nearest window, pressing my hands and nose against the glass. At first, it was too dark to make out anything, but as my eyes adjusted, I could see something in the distance. I squinted. It was round and mostly dark, but a section was kind of, sort of lit up. It took a moment for my brain to point out that the shape reminded me of Australia.
I stumbled backward and pointed. “That’s—that’s—that’s—”
“Earth?” she answered for me.
I nodded robotically.
“As I told you before, you’re on my ship.”
“I thought you were lying.”
“A Zuddlian never lies… unless there’s a profit in it, of course,” she replied indignantly. She crossed her arms over her chest, and even undergoing a current bout of insanity, I glanced at her cleavage.
“This can’t be a spaceship,” I said, realizing that I sounded more whiny than confident. “Because if it was, that means I’ve lost my freaking mind. Wait, am I hallucinating? You didn’t just knock me out; you gave me some kind of hallucinogenic drugs, too, didn’t you? What’d you give me? LSD? PCP? Ecstasy? Something else?”
She sighed. “You’re aboard my ship; whether or not you’re insane is an entirely separate issue. Though, I certainly hope you’re not insane since you’re legally obligated to work for me,” she said, totally serious. “I suppose an introduction is in order. My name’s Totty. I’m a managing director of Starshine Seizure Specialists, and you’re on my ship, Totty.”
I cocked my head. “Wait. Your name’s Totty, and your ship’s name’s Totty?”
She nodded. “Yes.”
“You named your ship after you?”
“What’s wrong with that?”
I shrugged. “Just seems a bit pretentious, don’t you think?”
“It’s my ship, and Totty is an excellent name. And since my race is vastly superior to yours, I have every right to be pretentious.”
I cocked my head. “You’re saying you’re not… like me?”
She stared at me drily. “I’m going to deactivate the hologram. Try not to panic or wet yourself.”
“What ho—holy crap!” I jumped back as the redheaded woman before me morphed into a purple jellybean about two feet tall. She—it—had two big black eyes and weird little feet with overly long toes. The creature would’ve been cute if it wasn’t covered in warts. I kept as much distance between us as possible. This acid trip had just taken a turn from weird to super weird. “Who, no, WHAT the hell are you?”
“I told you. I’m a Zuddlian, but more importantly, I am the holder of your work contract. That makes me your employer, and I must say, thus far, I’m not impressed by the amount of respect you show your superiors, or lack thereof.” Her voice had morphed into a squeaky voice that didn’t sound quite human, more like someone after sucking a helium balloon. Her words also seemed to come from the air itself, as the creature had no mouth.
My jaw hung slack as I stared at the thing before me.
“You’re not going into cardiac arrest, are you?” Totty asked.
I continued to stare.
“Are you going into a catatonic state, maybe?”
She sighed. “You see? That’s why I used the hologram. A lesser being’s first encounter with a superior race can be a bit discombobulating.”
I blinked. She didn’t look superior. She looked like the Creature from the Black Lagoon pooped a giant purple turd with little turds for its toes and feet.
She cocked her head. “Did your mind break? Say something.”
“I’m talking to a jellybean.”
“And there I was, hoping you weren’t a complete idiot like your father,” Totty said.
“Wait, what?” I jerked. “What about my father?”
“Who do you think signed the work contract indenturing you to Starshine Seizure Specialists?”
