Mia Ellis returns to her hometown after her father suffers a debilitating stroke. If it wasnât for her half-brother, TJ, she wouldnât have. She had no love for her father. A man whoâd gone to Haiti as a social scientist with an American NGO, then left after learning heâd be a father. But when Mia confronts him in his hospital bed, unable to express himself clearly, he motions clumsily to the table beside him and says what she thinks is âAll There.â
âAll Thereâ turns out to be a cache of his personal journals, which take Mia on an unexpected journey that unravels the complexities of love and redemption. As she delves into his private thoughts, Mia uncovers a father she never knewâa man shaped by his own secrets and regrets.
Mia Ellis returns to her hometown after her father suffers a debilitating stroke. If it wasnât for her half-brother, TJ, she wouldnât have. She had no love for her father. A man whoâd gone to Haiti as a social scientist with an American NGO, then left after learning heâd be a father. But when Mia confronts him in his hospital bed, unable to express himself clearly, he motions clumsily to the table beside him and says what she thinks is âAll There.â
âAll Thereâ turns out to be a cache of his personal journals, which take Mia on an unexpected journey that unravels the complexities of love and redemption. As she delves into his private thoughts, Mia uncovers a father she never knewâa man shaped by his own secrets and regrets.
Mia didnât see the patch of gravel until it was too late. She fought for control as her Honda Rebel skidded across the double yellow line with a cargo van headed right for her. Heart pounding, she downshifted and pulled onto the opposite shoulder beneath a thick canopy of trees that shaded her from the late afternoon sun.
Breathless, she eased her helmet free and shuddered as a breeze brushed across her face and short-cropped hair.
She felt her cell phone vibrate from her leather jacket. Maybe it was Moon Harvest calling to say the job was hers. The interview had run long, but she took that as a good sign. They were interested enough to look beyond her sexual identity, skin color, and the four-year gap since her last marketing job.
Still rattled from her near collision, Mia took a deep breath and removed her phone with a trembling hand.
It wasnât Moon Harvest. Far from it. It was TJ, her half-brother.
They hadnât spoken in years.
Mia stared at the phone in her open palm, her thumb hovering over the keypad as she considered answering the call.
A dried maple leaf, cupped into a tiny fist, tumbled across the gravel toward her and stopped at her feet. She looked from the leaf to the incoming number and swiped.
âYes?â she said, clenching her free hand. Sheâd lived nearly as many years in the US as she had in Haiti, yet her English still carried a heavy Creole accent.
âMia?â
It took a moment for her to register his voice, so much deeper than when they spoke last.
âTJ. Hello,â Mia said, her voice wavering. She still hadnât had time to recover from her near wipe-out. Now, hearing TJâs voice, it was all she could do to breathe.
TJ must have noticed something was off because the next thing he said was, âAre you okay?â
Mia looked up at the vibrant leaves overhead, fluttering in the cool breeze. âIâm fine.â
âI have some bad news,â TJ said. Miaâs imagination splintered in a dozen directions. Bad news could mean poor grades, a lost wallet, a flat tire. Or it could mean something far worse. âItâs Ellis. Heâs in the hospital. He had a massive stroke.â
Their father. The man whoâd abandoned Miaâs mother when he learned she was carrying his child. A man Mia neither loved nor respected. She called him by his last name because heâd told her to, but she soon learned that everyone called him Ellis, even his mother.
âI donât know what to say.â This was as frank as Mia ever got. No matter how deep her feelings, she couldnât articulate them. It was a point of friction between Mia and her girlfriend, Kali, whose I love you often went unanswered.
TJ sighed, exasperated. âHow about, âHow is he?â Or, âIs there anything I can do?ââ He paused. âEllis is in bad shape, Mia. He may not have long.â
âWhere are you?â Mia asked. âWhere is . . . he?â
âHeâs in the hospital here in Meridian. Iâm at the cottage. You should be here, too.â
âTJ, Iââ
âYouâll regret not seeing him if anything happens.â
âIâll add it to the list,â Mia said. TJ didnât answer right away, but Mia sensed the gears turning as he, like her, recalled their last conversation.
âWe all have regrets,â he said, finally.
Mia wondered if he was letting her off the hook, letting bygones be bygones for Ellisâs sake. Ellis.
She owed him nothing. It was Ellisâs fault Mia turned her back on the family home. The incident with TJ only fanned the flames.
âSo?â TJ said. âAre you coming?â
âIâll think about it,â she said.
Mia cruised into Drake, recalling the night TJ was arrested for selling cocaine at a high school dance. Heâd asked for her help, and sheâd let him down, calling Ellis, their father, after TJ explicitly told her not to. But Mia was at an Occupy Chicago demonstration hours away with her college friends. Not only did she not have a car; she had class the next day. Calling Ellis was her only option.
They hadnât spoken since.
Now, she had an opportunity to patch things up with TJ. That alone should be a reason to go to Meridian. But seeing Ellis againâ
She made a lap around the town square, passing a block of scaffolding across from Drake Park. Drake was still rebuilding after a massive fire months earlier, when a white supremacist group had converged on the small Iowa town and turned it on its head. The community had pushed back, but Mia still looked over her shoulder for anyone with menace in their eyes.
Mia parked her bike at the curb outside her apartment building, thinking of that lookâthat flash of evil that preceded trouble. Her heart clenched as she recalled her youth in Haiti and the man sheâd believed was the devil himself.
The October wind kicked up, and Mia shivered as she climbed the stairs to her apartment, each step heavier than the last. Once inside, she tossed her keys on the shelf by the door and dropped her backpack and helmet on the floor.
Mia tuned out the muted sound of a car alarm down the street and an emotional argument from the apartment upstairs as she regarded her ghostly reflection in the picture window over the sofa.
The short hair was newâan impulsive decision made in the barber chair before the interview that morning. Sheâd long ago given up the braids sheâd worn as a child. That had been another impulse, shedding her old self and her old life in Haiti. As a teenager, her hair had grown into a wild mass of curls, like a halo.
But now the halo was gone. An adult stared back at her. The spitting image of her mother.
Beyond her reflection in the window, Mia had a view of the Old Oak standing guard in the center of the town square. At its feet was a plaque proclaiming that spot as the Center of the World. A boast derived from the fact that the tree was in the center of the park in the center of town in the center of the United States. Like ripples on a pond.
In Drake, Mia was âthat Black foreign lesbian who works in the toy shop.â Black. Foreign. Lesbian. So many labels to wear. But there were many more her neighbors knew nothing about. âPoor thing,â sheâd heard Mrs. Gardner say. But Mrs. Gardner didnât know Miaâs father was white, or that sheâd lived with the heavy mantle of being âmulattaâ in a black world, and then in a white world. âMixed race,â Americans liked to say, avoiding the Haitian slur Mia had endured as a child âdonât let that trouble you,â Mama would say. âYou will always my Sunshine.â But once a mulatta, always a mulattaâthat hateful word lived just below the skin. One more label for her to wear, and though she hadnât heard it in years, she could still sense when someone was thinking it.
She had Kali, though. Mia grinned, thinking of how her Jewish girlfriendâs persistence had won her heart. Theyâd met the night of TJâs desperate call seven years earlier. Both events had been equally life changing.
With a sigh, Mia picked her helmet off the floor and set it on the bookshelf separating the rest of her studio apartment from the kitchenette. She slipped off her jacket and draped it over a kitchen chair, then opened a bottle of Shiraz and poured herself a glass to ease her frayed nerves.
The day had taken a bizarre turn with TJâs call. When her alarm went off that morning, Mia had leaped out of bed with a fire in her belly. The job at Moon Harvest was better than sheâd ever expected to find in this small town. It would come with more responsibility than sheâd had back in Chicago, where sheâd risen to Chief Marketing Analyst less than two years out of college.
Working in Drakeâs toy shop had its charm, but sheâd only taken that job to be closer to Kali. And now she was ready to get her career back on track.
Her phone buzzed in her jacket pocket, and she jumped.
The interview.
She fumbled for the phone and answered before checking who the caller was. âHello. Mia Ellis speaking.â It was silly. Mia never answered the phone this way, but she was nervous and wanted to appear professional.
There was a soft laugh, then, âWhy hello, Mia Ellis. This is Kalinda Moon.â Mia could hear the playful tease in Kaliâs voice. âWhatâs all the formality about?â
âOh, hey,â Mia said, leaning back against the counter. âI thought it was about the job. Have you heard anything?â
âNo, but I wouldnât worry if I were you. Youâre a shoo-in,â Kali said. âAfter all, itâs who you know, right?â
Not what you know. Mia hated that expression. She wanted to be judged on her merits, not on her relationship to the family. Moon Harvest was a legacy family business that made its fortune in the canning industry under the stewardship of Kaliâs great grandfather, but now Kaliâs brother, Eli, was resurrecting it as a fresh produce distribution center. Mia hoped to be part of that success.
âIf you say so.â Mia sipped her wine, then reached for the open bottle to top off.
âWe on for tomorrow?â Kali asked. âWe have an appointment with the realtor.â
Mia fell silent, thinking of her lucrative job in Chicago, her apartment with a panoramic view of Lake Michiganâand how sheâd given up both for Kali. But even that hadnât been enough. Kali needed commitment, and Mia wasnât ready to let go of her last hold on independence.
As a psychologist, Kali loved getting to the root of any problem. But Mia resisted sharing her problems, emotional or otherwise. Like Hispaniola, the place of her birth, Mia was an island. When disaster struck, she held firm, standing strong and self-reliant.
âI get it,â Kali said, breaking the silence, her voice suddenly strained. âYouâre a loner. I canât change that and donât want to. I love you the way you are, butâI need more. Something that says you need me. Anything.â
Mia swirled the remaining wine in her glass, then finished it. Or what? Was this an ultimatum? No. Kali wasnât like that. And Miaâs hesitance wasnât just about her independence.
âMy brother called,â she said. Kali knew about the rift with TJ. Sheâd been there when it happened, and even if Mia had never fully revealed how deeply it hurt her, she suspected Kali had some idea. âEllis is in the hospital in Meridian,â Mia continued. âHe had a stroke.â
âWhat? My God, Mia. Why didnât you say something sooner?â
Mia shrugged. She hadnât intended to say anything at all and immediately regretted her change of heart.
âYou need to go to him,â Kali said excitedly. âYou need toââ
âStop,â Mia said. âJustâstop.â
âHeâs your father, Mia.â
âEllis is not like other fathers. Heâs nothing like your dad was.â There was a long pause. Kaliâs parents had drowned in a ferry accident six years earlier. It still weighed heavily on her and her brother. âEllis and I were never close.â
âHeâs your father,â Kali saidâas if repeating herself would change Miaâs mind.
âYou donât understand,â Mia said. âYou donât know.â
âHow could I? You shut me out! I donât even know how you feel about me half the time.â
âIâm not like you.â
âIâm not saying that you have to be,â Kali said. âBut maybe it would help if you could just let me inâlet anyone in.â
Mia shared a sliver of her past with Kali after the riots in town that summer, cracking open the door to her Haitian childhood. Corruption, threats of violence, and the mayhem following the fire had brought back vivid memories of catastrophic storms and poverty in her homeland, a single mother who worked tirelessly to give Mia a home and security while fending off street gangs and enduring the swinging door of Haitian leadership.
âIâve seen it all before,â sheâd said thinking of the ugliness of her past, then buttoned up. But the memory of Uncle Jeanâs leering eyes amid a throng of angry protesters could not be silenced. Nor could the stain on her innocence. If Mia said anything to Kali, sheâd have to say it all, and she was unready, perhaps unable to speak about any of it. That was the world Ellis left her to.
Kali wanted to dive deeper into how Miaâs past inflicted indelible scars. She believed it was only by examining those scars that Mia could fully heal them and finally break out of her thick shell. After everything sheâd been through, who wouldnât want to keep that shell intact?
Mia regretted ever opening that door. She didnât want Kaliâs help. She didnât want to remember all thatâshit. And she especially didnât want to drag it out for Kaliâs examination. Kali had remarked early in their relationship that Mia was emotionally stunted.
Emotionally stunted? The words stung. Mia had never seen herself that way. She cared deeply about people and animals and supported every social cause. A bleeding-heart liberal to the core. Just because she struggled to open up with Kali didnât mean she couldnât, right?
âI love you, Mia,â Kali said. There it was. Kaliâs secret weapon. That, and her disarming smile.
Mia stared into her empty wine glass, thinking of the magic words resting on the tip of her tongue. They should have been easy to say, but Mia couldnâtâthough sheâd loved Kali since first setting eyes on her in college. Kali Moon was beautiful, intelligent, and patient to a fault.
âYou too,â Mia finally said.
After the call, Mia poured herself another glass of wine and cued up a recent playlist on her Bluetooth speaker. Joss Stone sang âRight To Be Wrongâ while Mia sat at her kitchen table admiring her grandmotherâs hand-embroidered tablecloth and a pair of sapphire-blue salt and pepper shakersâthe last vestiges of her life in Haiti. This was all that remained of Miaâs childhoodâbefore her motherâs illness, before life in the United States, and before learning how to navigate the unfamiliar culture and family sheâd been thrust into fourteen years ago.
The Ellis family estate in Meridian, Indiana was a six hour ride away, but as foreign to her as another planet. Light years from the little cinderblock on Rue Janvier.
Mia traced the coiled tendrils on the tablecloth with the tip of her finger until it rested on the words that followed: Lâunion fait la force. Unity Makes Strengthâthe Haitian credo.
Unity. Ellis. Hospital. What should I do?
Maureen Hartmanâs latest novel, Perception, is a moving journey of self-discovery
and hidden truth that will keep you reading to the last page. We meet Mia Ellis just
as she receives a call from her estranged brother TJ. Her father, Ellis, has had a
debilitating stroke, and she needs to decide whether to visit him. She takes herself
by surprise when she sets out on her motorcycle for Meridian, Indiana and the
unresolved questions that await her there. Upon seeing Ellis in his hospital bed, her
long-withheld resentment and anger explodes in a series of questions and
accusations he canât reply to, and, as she leaves, she whispers to him, that âI have
always hated you.â We then go back and experience Miaâs life in Haiti and learn why
Mia is so wary of emotion and connection. We witness the hardships and horrors of
her life there, and her harrowing journey to the United States. The mystery of her
father is a continuous thread woven throughout her life, but we have to wait with
her to find the answers. She hides herself away because of her past, reserving her
emotions, compartmentalizing her life, and staying aloof even from those who love
her. The beginning of her tumultuous relationship with TJ and Ellis is revealed, as is
Miaâs understanding of their estrangement. Having come full circle, we find Mia
desperately searching for her fatherâs medical directive and stumbling across his
journals. As she reads the firsthand account of what her mother never told her, she
realizes more and more just what she has and how wrong sheâs been.
Perception is a gripping narrative that will tug at your heartstrings and keep you
reading to the last page. It is an exploration of how perception, language, and
information filtered through others can affect the trajectory of oneâs life, and how
questioning our preconceptions can be painful but also lead to understanding and
reconnection. Miaâs self-reflection as she discovers her fatherâs true story is
moving, and watching her growth and acceptance kept me turning the pages. I read
this in nearly one sitting; I couldnât put it down. The prose is beautiful but never got
in the way of the story, and the authorâs ability to capture not only Mia but all the
characters so fully left me completely immersed in the narrative. Re-living the
past is often a painful journey, but life can be "like picking flowers in the dark", and
"you never know what youâve got until the light of day".
I highly recommend this book, and I give it a solid five stars.
[Trigger warning: child sexual assault and rape]