Episode XX - Twit-in-Chief
"Get me Jack Dorsey on the line and toot it sweet.” (The President barks to his assistant. Ed. note – Jack Dorsey is CEO of Twitter.)
“Good morning. You have reached the corporate offices of Twitter, where, twue to form, we twy to make your day as twuly wonderful as possible.”
“Are you guys totally bonkers?”
(The President continues to rant for ten minutes before realizing that he is listening to a recording. Finally, a person comes on the line.)
“Young lady, this is the President of the United States.”
“Wow, really? The twit-in-chief! Just a minute, sir, and I will tee up the proper automated prompts.”
“If you know your party’s extension, you can tweet it at any time. For the misspelled words department, tweet 1. For the bald-faced lie department, tweet 2. For the deranged conspiracy theories department, tweet 3. For tips on how to insult the maximum number of people in 280 characters, tweet 4. For medical advice that is hazardous to your health, including whether non-diabetics should take insulin, tweet 5. For incomprehensible rants, tweet 6. To get the latest on Joe Scarborough, tweet 7. To order or reorder twinkies, tweet 8. To hear this menu repeated, tweet 9."
(The President presses "0"; that usually works.)
“Good morning. You have reached the corporate offices of Twitter, where, twue to form, we twy to make your day as twuly wonderful as possible.”
(Twenty minutes later, the President gets to speak to an operator.)
“I demand to speak with Jack Dorsey and you goddamn better do it now.”
“There is no reason to raise your voice, sir.”
“I’ll raise my voice and use whatever goddamn words I want. Do you know who this is? This is the goddamn...”
(The line goes dead and the President is sitting there listening to a dial tone.)
(Jack Dorsey calls the switchboard operator at Twitter.)
"Jennifer, did he call?"
"Yes, sir, he did. Just like you said he would."
"Did you put plan A into operation? Switched him to that special options menu we developed just for him?"
"I did, indeed. Worked like a charm. Then had him on hold for a long time. Then disconnect. I don't think he was very happy, sir."
"Then everything worked perfectly. Next time, you can use the second special options menu, just for a little variety. Keep up the good work, Jennifer."
"Thank you, sir. I'll do my best."
