My name is Josslyn and I’m a psychopath. Actually, that’s not technically correct. I have psychopathic tendencies (don’t we all a little bit?) and a personality disorder. Actually, no, that’s not right either. It’s really difficult to explain. Let me start over.

 My name is Alicia and I am a psychopath.

It’s me again. I sometimes get us mixed up. It’s almost impossible to describe exactly what or who Alicia is because I don’t know the answer myself.

I'm Josslyn Reynolds, a twenty-eight-year-old slightly crazy lady who lives alone and has no friends. Alicia is … well, she’s … the psychopathic voice in my head. Wait, before you judge me as a lunatic, let me attempt to explain. She hasn’t always been there (I'll get to that later), but she’s been in my head a long time, so long in fact that I can’t imagine her not being there. I know everyone has an inner monologue running through their minds, everyone has thoughts they keep inside that only they know about and that they would never say aloud, but Alicia isn’t just my own thoughts and feelings: she’s something else, something … different.

If you met me on the street you’d never give me a second look. I’m average height, average build, have dull brown hair that’s just below shoulder length, brown eyes and I'm a casual dresser. Boring, right? There’s nothing interesting about me whatsoever (except for Alicia), but no one knows about her, so from the outside I’m perfectly normal, but on the inside … oh boy, I'm fucked up. I’ve somehow managed to keep her a secret the entire time that she’s been present within me. It feels like I have a secret superpower. It’s what makes me special … to me. I’m not special to anyone. I don’t have anyone in my life that I care about (minus my parents and Oscar, which I’ll explain soon). Most of the time I have to pretend to be normal and happy. I mean, I am happy (sort of). I’m not depressed, but I’m definitely not what you would call a sociable, happy person.

Let me get one thing clear: I don’t like people. That’s not Alicia talking, that’s me. I guess you could say that I tend to push people away just by being me, which makes me feel very lonely. Yes, I know, I’m a walking contradiction. I don’t like people, yet I feel lonely. Human beings need companionship or they end up going crazy, like me, although technically I'm not crazy, I just happen to have a voice in my head.

Loneliness is a funny thing, isn’t it? Even the most popular, outgoing person can feel lonely, even if they are surrounded by friends and family. It’s one of those things that you often hear about, but very rarely talk about. No one ever really stops and truly thinks about it because, the truth is, we're all lonely in our own way. We all have those moments where we realise that actually, sometimes, loneliness is our only true friend. It’s always there, whether we want it to be or not. Some people like being alone and some people don’t. As for me, I’ve spent my entire life feeling lonely, yet also knowing that there is always someone with me even though no one else can see her.

Alicia. What can I say about Alicia? She protects me, keeps me safe and sometimes even tells me what to say. She’s always there, even on my bad days, and there are a lot of bad days. I’m not going to go into that right now. I'm sure you don't want to hear me complain about how dull my life is and all the problems that come with it, but what I will say is that she wasn’t always around. In fact, Alicia never used to exist. You may not believe this, but I made her up. That’s right. She was once merely a figment of my imagination, completely designed by my own subconscious mind. However, that’s a story for another time because right now I’m late for work, which is quite an accomplishment considering I live directly above where I work.

Let me tell you a little bit more about me. Due to the fact that I don’t like people I chose a career where I wouldn’t have to deal with them too often: I’m a vet. Unfortunately for me this means I do have to deal with the owners of the animals I treat. I guess I didn’t think about that part. The owners are so bloody whiney and always try and tell me what to do and how to deal with their precious pets. Despite this annoyance I do enjoy my job, mainly because I get to interact with animals on a daily basis. I may not like people, but I love animals. Animals are the best, aren’t they? Who doesn’t love animals? Idiots and crazy people, that’s who. I always say that if a person hates animals then that person isn't worth knowing and can’t be trusted. Animals never judge you, never shout at you or complain. They never call you a bitch or gossip behind your back. They are the best. Except cats – I hate cats. Actually, that’s wrong: I like cats, but cats hate me. I’ve never met a cat that likes me, which makes treating them a bit of a pain in the ass. I constantly have scratches up my arms because every damn cat I meet takes one look at me and decides that I’m the devil and am clearly there to kill them, not cure them.

Dogs on the other hand are much easier to treat. I love them and they love me. I actually have a dog of my own called Oscar (I told you I’d get around to explaining about him). He’s a six-year-old tan and white Jack Russell Terrier; a little pocket rocket who thinks he is the biggest and baddest dog in the world. That’s why I love him, because he doesn't take any shit from anybody, but he does live for a belly scratch. I rescued him when he was a puppy. Some asshole brought him in to my vet practice saying that he was a menace and wouldn’t stop yapping and he was going to throw him off a bridge if I didn’t take him. So obviously I adopted him. I may have a psychopathic something inside me, but I’m not a completely heartless bitch. Not when it comes to animals, anyway. Even Alicia likes Oscar. She wasn’t sure at first and told me that dogs were better off without humans to look after them, but when Oscar licked her (me) she melted a little bit.

That is a lie. I did not melt.

Okay, but you let him stay. That’s the main thing.

As a vet animals have always been a big part of my life. I had a fair few pets as a child too, which is a lot more than most children can say. Despite not having a single human friend growing up I did have plenty of animal ones. My mum and dad bought a smallholding when I was just a baby and I grew up surrounded by the New Forest countryside. It was an idyllic place to grow up: fresh air, miles of wide-open spaces and lots of wildlife. I loved it. That was, until I started getting lonely and wished I had other children to play with. I was perfectly happy to play alone, but I didn’t even speak to another child my own age until I was nearly ten. I was home-schooled. I’m not saying that all home-schooled children are freaks, but … well, I mean, they’re not normal are they? How can an only child be taught at home, not socialise with any other kids and expect to turn out normal? I didn’t talk to a boy my own age until I was sixteen. I could go on more about this, but …

Shit, is that the time? I really am late for work now.

I quickly finish my coffee and slam the empty mug down on the little table beside me. Oscar jumps in alarm off my lap and starts running around like a possessed demon. It’s 6:55 a.m. I usually open up my vet practice at 6:30 a.m. Not that anyone will be waiting for me to open, but I do like to be on time for things. If I’m ever running late for anything, I get a tight, uncomfortable feeling in my chest, like I have right now.

I hurriedly wiggle my butt into my black work trousers. Black, boring, unflattering, like me. My keys are hanging on the single hook on the wall beside the door. I grab them and usher Oscar out the door. He comes with me to work every day. The little bugger barks all day otherwise. I don’t think he likes being left alone. We're a team, him and me. It’s actually nice having him as company. He's like my little shadow, except when I’m doing surgery; then he stays with Emma and Lucy, my two co-workers. They are …

Bitches.

Alicia doesn’t like them very much. She finds them annoying. They are okay. I guess I could call them my friends, but I find it very hard to connect with them properly. Emma and Lucy have a proper female friendship where they tell each other every little detail about their lives: who they have sex with, who they hate or love or whatever. I’ve never had that with anyone, not even my mum (not that I’d tell my mum who I have sex with. I mean, some things are just meant to be kept private, right?). I just listen from afar, always listening, never getting engaged in their conversations. I prefer it that way. So does Alicia. She’s not one for talking or expressing feelings or emotions, mainly because she doesn’t have any. Sometimes I think she and I are very much alike. Maybe we rub off on each other a little bit.

I once researched what a psychopath was and the first thing that popped up on Googlewas:

Psychopathy is defined as an antisocial mental disorder in which a person shows a lack of ability to love or establish meaningful personal relationships, shows a lack of remorse or shame, is impulsive, a pathological liar and shows manipulative behaviour.

I mean … that's Alicia down to a T! And I can actually tick off a few of those as well, especially the meaningful relationship one. The only meaningful relationship I have is with my dog.

The stairs down to the ground floor of the building are narrow. Oscar does his best to squeeze past my ankles, desperate to reach the bottom first, but I manage to block his way.

‘Not today, buddy!’ I jeer. On more than one occasion he's tripped me up and I've gone flying down the stairs, landing in a heap at the bottom while he stands over me barking like the asshole he is.

Oscar accepts his fate and waits until I reach the bottom of the stairs before barging past me. He knows that the first thing we do, after turning on all the lights and switching the computer on, is go and prepare the consultation room where I store the doggy treats. The little bugger won’t leave me alone until I give him one. Dogs are creatures of habit. Actually, so am I.

I ritually do the same thing in the same order every morning and if something disrupts it then it throws my whole day off. I'm sure everyone has their normal morning routine. I always brush my teeth immediately after eating breakfast and drinking my coffee. Makes sense, right? However, before that, there’s the ritual where the second my feet touch the floor after getting out of bed, I always pick them straight back up again and count to five. You know, normal stuff. I don't even remember when that weird obsession started.

Shit, I didn’t brush my teeth! I was finishing my coffee and then realised I was late for work and rushed out the door. I was too busy telling you all about my life. Great, now my whole day is ruined.

Once I’ve switched on the computer and set up the consultation room (and given His Highness a treat) I go and sit in the reception area. This is my own vet business by the way. It’s small, but it’s mine. Yes, I’m up to my eyeballs in debt, yet I’m happy. At least, I’m as happy as I can be in my career. My personal life is a whole other story. My vet business is called Joss Pets. I don’t know why it's called that. There’s no special meaning behind it. I was in a rush the day I applied for my business loan and there was a blank spot where I had to write the name of my business and I made it up right there on the spot. It said I could change it later, but I never did. Just one of those things that has stuck.

Like I said, Joss Pets is a small practice. I don’t keep any animals here overnight and I don’t actually have a proper surgery area. I travel to a bigger vet practice in Bournemouth to conduct surgery. It’s mainly a place where paranoid owners bring their pets when they have a sniffle or a blister or an infected eye. If there is anything major or life-threatening with them then they usually go further afield. I’m the only actual vet who works here. Emma is the receptionist and Lucy is a veterinary nurse who assists me and runs a lot of the consultations for me while I do the paperwork. That’s always fun. It's about as much fun as making idle conversations with the pets' owners or stabbing myself in the eye.

Ring! Ring!

And so the day begins …

That's the telephone on the reception desk. I stare at it blankly, praying to whatever Almighty God happens to be up there that it's nothing horrendously serious. I have neither the time nor the patience today. I let it ring a couple more times and then reluctantly pick up the receiver.

'Good morning. Joss Pets. Josslyn speaking. How can I help?' I say in the most happy, polite voice I can muster for this time of morning. I can almost feel Alicia rolling her eyes at me (if she had eyes, of course). 'Hello?' There's nothing but silence on the end of the phone. 'Hello?' I try again.

I listen really closely by putting my finger in my other ear (not that doing that ever works … does that actually work for anyone?) but I still can't hear anything for another five seconds and then …

Breathing. I can hear someone breathing heavily as if they are running or trying to catch their breath. It sounds a bit perverted.

'What the fuck?' I mutter to myself. 'Hello? Who is this?' More random breathing. I listen as intently as I can and then it goes quiet, like extremely quiet. Nothing. Not even a dial tone, which means whoever it is, is still on the line. Without realising it I'm holding my breath. I won't lie, I'm a little scared, but believe it or not this isn't the first time this has happened to me, but it is the first time it's happened at work and on a work's phone. A week ago I had a phone call on my mobile exactly the same: breathing and then silence. And the week before that. And the week before that, but I haven’t been bothered about it. It’s been more of an annoyance than anything and previously I’ve always slammed the phone down, but not this time. This time I’m going to sort this out and find out who this fucker is.

Let me take over.

No, Alicia, not now. The last thing I need is you taking me over at work. I can handle this on my own.

'Listen, whoever this is, please stop. If you do it again I'm calling the police.' And I hang up. There, that sorted it. Then why is my voice shaking and my heart rate going about as fast as it was when I attempted to sprint for the bus that one time and collapsed as I was about to climb on?

I stare at the receiver and then at Oscar who has joined me in the reception area. He’s taken up his place in his little dog bed under the desk.

'I'm sure it's nothing,' I say out loud, not really sure if I'm talking to Oscar, Alicia, or myself. Jesus Christ, I'm messed up. The only people (they aren’t even people!) in my life that I talk to and enjoy hanging out with are a dog and a … I don’t even know what Alicia is, but I know she isn’t real.

I glance around the small reception area, focusing on random objects: a fake plant pot by the door that really needs a dusting, a picture of two dogs sniffing each other's butts on the wall above two blue plastic chairs and the small array of dog treats I sell. It's not exactly a well-equipped or inviting place to work, but it's all I can afford right now. When I first bought this building roughly five years ago it was in a dire state. Luckily my dad and I are pretty handy with a paintbrush and the odd DIY job, so we were able to spruce the place up and make it look semi-presentable and professional. My dad taught me all these life skills while we lived on the smallholding. To be perfectly honest I’d rather pay someone to do it, but beggars can’t be choosers. Until I can afford it I’ll be doing all my own jobs (or asking my dad). You never know, I could suddenly come into some money: win the lottery and become a millionaire overnight. Just have to buy a lottery ticket first. Or maybe mum and dad will die and leave me their house and all their money … okay, that's a bit morbid for seven in the morning. Let's pretend I didn't just think that!

While I wait for my first appointment to arrive I may as well tell you a little more about myself. I’m sure you’re dying to find out. What else would you like to know? Let me guess … you want to know more about Alicia, don't you? Everyone always wants to know more about her. No one cares about Josslyn. Don’t worry, I won’t hold it against you. Out of the two of us she is the more interesting one anyway. So let me tell you about Alicia. Alicia is … interesting. And her story is a long one, which I won't be able to tell you all at once, so I'll start with how she came into existence.

As you know by now, I was a lonely child and I grew up on a smallholding, so the only friends I had were animals. One day when I was five years old … or was I six … no, I was five …

You were seven.

Okay, Miss Know-It-All!

I am just making sure you get your facts straight.

Well, thanks so much for that.

Anyway, where was I?

One day when I was seven I was out for a walk with a couple of my animal friends, a farm cat called Tornado and our pet dog called Milo. Tornado lived outside in all weather and was quite old (she was pushing fifteen I think). She walked with a limp and had a mean face. Milo was a scraggly young crossbreed with grey fur who my dad adopted for me because he was the runt of a litter of puppies our neighbour's dog had and no one wanted him. Our neighbour had said he would probably die, but there he was, a year later and still alive. I had nursed him back to health and that was when I started to think that when I grew up I wanted to be a vet.

Milo, Tornado and I had stopped for a picnic at our local haunt (an extremely old, almost hollow oak tree in the woods). Seriously, this tree was gigantic and ancient. Dad had told me it was well over two hundred and fifty years old. It had even been struck by lightning once. One of the massive branches had cracked and fallen, but the tree still stood tall and proud, towering above the other trees in the woods. It was so old that the trunk was rotten and had been hollowed out by previous children over the years. It made the perfect den.

I had brought a few snacks and drinks for everyone. I sat down inside the tree (I called it My Place). Tornado then decided he didn’t want to have a picnic and buggered off to hunt mice and Milo, the traitor, wandered off to sniff some bushes and pee on them. So I was left alone in My Place to drink my tea (it was make-believe tea because my mum wouldn't let me go wandering off with hot tea in my flask) and eat my snacks (chocolate digestive biscuits and cucumber sandwiches – how posh was I?) And at that precise moment I realised that I had no friends. I mean, obviously I knew I had no friends before that, but there was something about being abandoned by your pets (who are supposed to be loyal) that makes you realise that you really are lonely and also a complete loser.

So I made her up. Right there and then. She sort of materialised before my eyes. I quickly thought up a name (it was the first name that popped into my head) and started up a conversation.

'Hello Alicia, would you like some tea?'

'Hello Josslyn. Nice to meet you. I would love some tea.'

I poured the tea. 'I love your hair today.' Her hair (I decided) was the same as mine: dark brown and slightly wavy.

'Thank you,' she said. Alicia was the same age as me with the same dark eyes and she wore a simple top and green leggings. Oh, and she wore the coolest trainers ever: bright pink with silver laces and unicorns on the side … because, you know, unicorns were cool back then.

She became my imaginary friend. She didn't talk much, but she was there and she listened to me prattle on about the weather and whatever else I felt like talking about. It felt so amazing to be able to talk to someone who actually spoke back to me. Tornado and Milo were great, but they weren’t so good at holding conversations. Alicia sat with me and I offered her some of my biscuits and we shared the tea. For the first time in my short life I felt like I had a real friend, and I was happy.

At the end of our picnic I tidied the food and drink away and got up to leave. 'I better get back home. I told Mum I would only be an hour, otherwise she worries.'

'You will not tell anyone about me, will you?' Alicia asked, sounding quite serious and worried.

'No, of course not,' I said. 'You're my little secret.'

At that moment Milo and Tornado decided to make an appearance and the weirdest thing happened. Tornado took one look at me, arched her back, hissed and then ran off back home on her own. From that day on she never came on any other walks with me, Milo and Alicia, and she always hissed at me and ran away. Cats are weird.

So there you have it. That's how Alicia came to be. She started off as a figment of my imagination. She was so real I could almost reach out and touch her, but obviously as I grew up my imagination faded (as I guess do all children's) and then she was just stuck in my head. Of course, there's more to her story, but you know, I don't know you very well yet and I've got stuff to do and things to …

'Arrggg!' I suddenly clutch my stomach and double over as a horrendous pain shoots through my abdomen. Oh my God, it hurts. It really hurts! I start gasping and moaning as I slowly slide off my chair and onto the floor where I immediately curl up into a foetal position. Oscar comes over and starts licking my face and wagging his tail, possibly thinking it's some sort of fun game. He then copies me by rolling onto his back and wiggling from side to side like an idiot. Dogs may be man's best friend, but I do wonder about their sanity from time to time.

'Fuck off, Oscar,' I mutter as I reach up past him for my mobile phone which I've left on the reception desk. I manage to brush it with my fingers and knock it off the desk, all the while trying not to pass out from the continuing pain. I fumble around with the phone, trying to unlock the screen, but my hands are shaking so bad and I'm sweating, like literally sweating. Even my fingertips are sweaty so I can't unlock it. They just slide around and do absolutely nothing. Fuck.

Then the pain vanishes. It's gone. Just like that. I continue to lay on the floor, too scared to move in case it strikes again, but it seems to have completely vanished. Maybe it was wind. Yeah, right. Period pain? No, not quite time for that yet. I don't know what the hell it was, but it wasn’t pleasant by any stretch of the imagination. It has also never happened to me before. I’ve had stomach aches and indigestion before, but nothing as bad as that.

Oscar is still squirming about on the floor, so I ignore him, grab my phone and pull myself up into a sitting position with my back leaning against the leg of the desk. I take a deep breath and compose myself, finally able to unlock my phone with my fingerprint, but it seems irrelevant now because I had been trying to unlock it so I could dial 999 (honestly, the pain had been so bad that I thought I was going to die). Out of sheer habit I check my usual apps: Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp, and my e-mails. There is one WhatsApp message from my mum, so I open it:

Hello darling. How are you? I'm just checking in and wondering if you are able to pop over tonight to help with clearing out the attic. I've been meaning to do it, but I find it difficult getting up and down the ladder and your father has hurt his back again. I'll make dinner for you, your favourite. Let me know. Bye darling. Love from Mum xx

And yes, she really does text in full sentences. None of this short-hand nonsense, as she calls it. I mean, it's 2019, you would think she would have caught up with the technology by now, but no. She would live in the 1930s if she could. I quickly type a reply, knowing full well that she will struggle to read my message:

Sure Mum. C u l8r abt 6. Luv u x

Well it's better than spending another night alone in my flat while eating another takeaway from down the road (Donald’s Delights). My parents live about thirty minutes away. I finish at half past five tonight. I'll spend a few hours clearing out their attic, have a decent meal for once and then get back home for about eleven o'clock. Sorted.

Oscar finally stops rolling around on the floor and returns to his bed. I peel myself off the floor and brush myself down just in time to see my first patient arrive outside the front door with its owner. It's a cat.

Fucking perfect.