BFF - A Friend to the End
I have a couple of friends from kindergarten. I’m not just talking about guys I trade Christmas cards with or text occasionally (though I do both with these guys). I spend a week golfing with these guys EVERY year. That group includes a couple of friends from college too. These are friends I am fortunate to have had for 40-55 years.
Think about that for just a minute. Do you have friends from kindergarten? How many true friends do you have from that period of your life? I’ll check back with you in 45 years!
There’s a trick to this and it’s pretty simple - in order to have good friends, you must be a good friend. I know, easier said than done. But if you want to maintain a long-lasting, deep friendship that can span distance and time - I can assure you that the benefits far outweigh the invested effort.
So here are a few tips for forging and preserving relationships that last a lifetime.
Keep ‘Em Posted
Choose your confidant wisely and keep them updated. Communication is the basis of ANY relationship - especially a friendship. You need to express your thoughts and feelings to each other. If something bothers you – let them know. If something they’ve done or said means a lot to you, if their words or actions make you happy - let them know. Build that solid foundation of trust and empathy through communication – the more, the better. It’s hard to over-communicate, perhaps it’s possible, but frankly it’s rare. Time and space may cause you to question if something is worth sharing – share it anyway. In life, sometimes a lot happens in a short time and sometimes very little happens over a long time – share it all.
Lend an Ear
A famous American poet, Maya Angelou said, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
If you want your friend know you care – to feel valued – spend more time listening and less time talking. Listening is half of the communication equation and is critical in any relationship.
But you must do more than just listen. Remembering what your friend told you shows that you care and think about your friend often.
If your friend tells you something they feel sad about, listen closely and then follow up later. Ask if he or she is feeling better the next day. Even if your friend tells you a joke, remember it so you can refer back to when you both need a laugh together. Let your friend know that you’re always paying attention.
Read ‘Em Like a Book
Ever ask a friend how she’s doing and get a positive response that didn’t match their face? Friends see pain behind the smiles and act on it.
Recognize when your friend has a serious problem, especially when he or she refuses to talk about it. Warning signs that a friend is struggling could include mood swings, constantly being tired , if they stop eating or start eating a lot more than usual or even talking about hurting themselves.
Offer to talk with him or her about it while keeping an open mind. Remind your friend how much you care for him or her. If your friend seems to get worse or talks about hurting themselves in any way, tell an adult you trust immediately.
Time is NOT on Your Side
Right now it is so easy for you to spend time with your friends, especially if they go to school with you. You see them every day! But as you get older, you will find more demands on your time. Friendships will take a little more effort. Some friendships will be worthy of the time investment while others may not. You will need to prioritize.
If your friendship is going to mature, you will have to make time for your friend. It can be a lunch meeting, a phone call or a video chat. Texting doesn’t hold the same value, but is certainly better than not talking at all! There is no substitute for the meaningful, memorable conversations had by meeting face-to-face.
Make It a Laughing Matter
Humor gives life to friendships. My friends and I love to laugh about past experiences. Often they are incidents that happened when we were together. I love getting together with these friends and sharing a laugh about the “glory days.”
Comedy and wit are important aspects of any friendship. Some of the best memories come from inside jokes or moments so hilarious that your stomach and face hurt from laughing.
Humor is also a way to remind each other not to take life too seriously. It’s important to be able to laugh at each other and ourselves. Make time to relax, watch a funny movie, take a road trip and just be silly. It will help get you through hard times.
When I look in the mirror these days, I like to recall one of my favorite lines from one of my favorite singer/songwriters:
“Wrinkles will only go where the smiles have been.”
-Jimmy Buffet from the song “Barefoot Children”
Honesty is the Best Policy
Honesty is the basis for a trusting relationship. You must approach that honesty with your friend’s feelings in mind. While a true friend will be honest when others won’t, there’s always a kind way to express your opinion or concern for someone’s decisions.
It’s also important to be honest about who you are with your friend. Friends must be honest about their personalities. If you never show someone your true self, how do you know if that friendship is real? Friends accept each other for who they are, flaws and all.
No Strings Attached
At one point or another, almost all of us wonder whether someone we’ve made friends with has cozied up to us for another reason – help with homework, social status, or even for your mom’s cookies. True friendship, however, comes with no strings. You don’t think of what your friend can do for you; rather, think of what you can do for them. Friendship means caring more about your friend’s needs and interests than about your own.
Through Thick and Thin
Friends are the glue that holds you together through both the good and bad times. Friends celebrate with you in the good times and they console you in the bad times. One of the hardest and most important things you can do for a friend is to be loyal and supportive to them when you are also struggling with your own serious challenges. Caring about someone often means balancing their needs with yours.
Celebrate your friend’s accomplishments. Let him or her know how you genuinely care for his or her happiness, despite how you might feel at the time.
Bury the Hatchet
No friendship is without conflict. Disagreements will come without a doubt, so be prepared to compromise or agree to disagree. In fact, some of the best friends you can have may challenge you to think about life differently. You may disagree kindly and respect their opinion without feeling like you need to change your own. You may also learn from the disagreement.
Find a level of agreement that allows you both to be happy with the outcome.
Wear Your Heart on Your Sleeve
It is scary to let someone see parts of your personality that no one else sees, except maybe your family. But it can be one of the most inspiring things about a good friendship. Being vulnerable with someone means you can tell them your deepest secrets, regrets, aspirations and disappointments. But you can also share your biggest laughs and be your truest, goofiest self.
It’s important not to be judgmental if your friend opens up to you, either in a serious way or a silly, quirky way. Encourage them to reach out to you. Let them know that you won’t take advantage of their vulnerability.
The Only Constant is Change
We all grow and change. We are never the same person from year to year. Our thoughts and opinions change as we grow older, learn new things and see new sights.
A true friendship grows with these changes, acknowledging and respecting the different paths you might take. Friendship is not effortless, but it is worth the effort when you find a lifelong friend.
