I don’t like what’s in my sandwich

Joe has lunch with the same co-workers each day at work. Each lunch time he opens his lunch box and there is a deep inward breath followed by a slow sigh and an annoyed utterance, ‘Not peanut butter sandwiches again.’ After months of Joe’s lunchtime ritual, Brian, a colleague sitting opposite finally remarks, ‘Joe, ask your wife to make you a different type of sandwich!’ To which Joe replies, ‘I’m not married, I make my own sandwiches.’

The vast majority of people complain about the life they live, not realising that each day they make their own sandwiches. The habit of making the same sandwich becomes comfortable and predictable, but are you satisfied? Are you fulfilled? Would you like more than a bread-and-butter life?

The first rule

The first rule is, there are no rules. I will share concepts and guidelines and teach you how to make inquiries about your thoughts, feelings and behaviours to expand your self-awareness. Insights are the pivotal point to powerful and rapid transformation.

I recall the first lines of the Tao Te Ching: ‘The way that can be spoken is not the constant way.’ Any time you say a thing is one way, there will be a person or situation to counter it. Similarly, the ten commandments are invariably open to interpretation. The main reason for this is that they are written in an absolute form, however, nothing is perfect or absolute. Thou shall not kill does not seem to include chickens, cows or fish. If that’s the case, I’m going to hell for sure, not for the fish, but for the chickens. It seems to be acceptable to kill when you are defending your country. It seems acceptable to kill your attacker when they are trying to kill you.

Rather than absolutes, here we will work through a series of concepts, such as having an objective and going with your natural flow until it is reached; or, that which you resist, persists; or, that you can only see a quality in another person that already exists within you. Throughout the book I’ll be presenting the idea that your actions or inactions lead to consequences, outcomes and results; there is no such thing as right or wrong, good or bad.

An idea that I fell in love with many years ago as a student of martial arts was the notion of grace rather than force. Grace is as effective as the single bullet at the right moment to stop the enemy leader in their tracks. It is about finding and developing elegant strategies to improve relationships. It is effective, time and resource efficient, and requires the ability to develop empathy for the task at hand. It is one of the cornerstones of mastery. One of the most amazing benefits of grace is that the small can overcome the mighty: size, strength, position and power all become irrelevant.

The assassin

Batu, a Japanese warlord, heard on the grapevine that another warlord had engaged an assassin to kill him. He questioned his staff to find out who the assassin could be. Try as he might, he could not find the assassin. As he was walking the grounds of his garden, he felt the sudden sharp pain of steel penetrating his body. As he lay there dying, the one person he hadn’t question was standing over him, knife in hand. In total disbelief, the warlord looked at this man who had been a trusted servant and gardener for his family since he was five years old. For the last forty-five years this man had worked in the garden, producing beauty and harmony.

What Batu failed to realise was that the gardener had always been employed by the other warlord. To Batu’s detriment, he did not question the gardener because he was beyond question.

A lot of the thoughts, behaviours and problems that we have are just that; they are beyond question. Our perception of our happiness or sadness and our self-image of who and what we are, are frequently the gardener in the system: they are beyond question. How much happiness do we expect? What do we think of the world? Is it a good place or a bad place? Where do you perceive you fit into society in terms of your self-esteem; are you at the top or at the bottom? Questioning the unquestionable will shine a light on areas you can modify to change an event and remove perpetuating causes of a problem.

What is a problem, anyway?

When your life is not going well, or in the way you expect it to, this can bring about feelings of futility, unrest, stress, frustration, anger and even depression. Maybe you perceive you attract more than your fair share of ‘oh bugger’ moments. Often many of my clients see me because they don’t know how or why things are going wrong, but they know they don’t feel happy and they definitely don’t feel fulfilled. A good portion of my clients come to visit me because they feel lonely, lost and disheartened. Often they have lost their spark.

When you’re not doing the things you love to do, and you can’t seem to allow yourself to do them, you lose the will to get out of bed, and lack the motivation to do anything. When you are marching to the beat of someone else’s drum, you feel resentful. When any of your significant relationships are in conflict, you may feel sad, confused or betrayed. Whether you are struggling with your finances, your health or with your relationships, the unrelenting anxiety triggered just by thinking about your problem is the real thief of a fulfilling life. When you fixate on an unknown, an uncertainty, it’s the impatience to know it all right now that becomes the problem. Being afraid that you might be stuck forever like this adds another layer. What do you keep telling yourself about being stuck?

In the art of living, we cannot avoid challenging situations. A problem is a problem because it is experienced as such. It has become intrusive, overwhelming, debilitating, hopeless, life zapping. Yet another layer occurs when you believe this situation, event or conflict shouldn’t be happening. Someone else standing in your shoes may not perceive this same thing as a problem. The intricate combination of you and how you interface with your outside world is what has created this reality for you.

We each have our unique blind spots. I expect you’ve come to read this book because you are searching for a resolution or at the very least to find your mojo and get back in the groove of enjoying life. Right now you are a step ahead: you’re reading this book because you’re curious and open to receive what is about to come.

You may have a problem list. You’ve sorted the problems in a priority order. At the top is the most important one. Your list heading is: What’s my blind spot? Your by-line is: Please help me out. You may already have a preconceived idea of what is causing this. Often, we fall into the trap of assigning the wrong cause to a problem as it’s the most convenient self-protecting reason you are able to latch on to.

You are not broken, so there will be no fixing required. You are not your problem, and your problem is not you. What we will work on together is releasing redundant beliefs and establishing new thought patterns so you can acquire new behaviours. In the trip we are about to take, you are always the captain. I am the navigator.

I have no doubt that this relationship issue, health challenge, or financial problem that is at the top of your list certainly goes on between your left and right ear; your top six inches. The repetitive thoughts and the emotional loading that goes with your problem might keep you awake at night, you may seek out soothing through eating quick carbs, boozing it up, burying yourself in work, checking your emails for the tenth time in two hours, scrolling aimlessly through your social media feed, going out for your third coffee today, acting out on those close to you, blaming and shaming others. Or maybe you are in denial and can’t see any of the distraction stuff you do.

Often avoiding the real issue creates a secondary layer to your original problem. When you start thinking about your problem, you might feel so overwhelmed you enter your distraction mode, seamlessly. Sometimes you simply ignore it. You may have given up on trying to resolve it, but deep down it bugs you. It’s there in the background and it’s not going away. You may have become a master of misdirecting others away from seeing your problem, or you may deny it’s a problem at all. Ultimately, you would like to sort it out and you know you can feel better about your life.

How much a problem creates suffering is directly linked with how much it threatens your survival, be that real or perceptional. I have observed in every one of my clients that the survival threat is founded in a perceptional distortion; either in the perception that their problem is a life-and-death matter, or a faulty perception where the elements holding the perception up remained unchallenged or unresolved. Yet every one of my clients survived their problem. So, when a problem presents, it is important to remove the faulty perceptional factors, so you can fully understand the reality of your situation. Making decisions from this position puts you on a level playing field.

You may have attached yourself to an outcome that you never seem to reach and, as a result of that perpetual reaching and striving, you’ve missed some of life’s real gems. It’s time to discover whether that unachievable outcome is really of value to you or whether there is another way. Perhaps there is an alternate outcome that is just as appealing. This is about seeing the possibilities. Ask yourself this: Is this my problem or someone else’s problem? Often, we take on others’ problems and in doing so have no control to initiate and direct change.

How do you catch a wild monkey in the jungle? Place an orange inside a jar and tie the jar to a tree. The opening of the jar must be large enough for the monkey to get his hand in, but small enough that he cannot get it out once he grabs the orange. The monkey does not let go of the orange even though his freedom depends on it and it is a matter of life and death.

How long do you hold on to your orange, knowing that it is impossible to retrieve it using the method you are using and all the while, your freedom is being taken away? If you are blinded by the obsession with getting the orange, you cannot see the trap. How long will the futility of your behaviour of not letting go lead you into trouble? By focussing only on the orange, what are you missing out on, what opportunities have passed you by? How much energy and effort could be redirected into solving the puzzle differently or looking for another source of food? Maybe you don’t even like oranges! What is the worst that can happen if you let go? What are the possibilities that appear when you let go? Persistence is a wonderful quality when you know when it’s time to let go, time to pause and provide a space for yourself to assess. More courageous than holding on is the act of surrender.

Defining your dissatisfaction or problem

In a simple short sentence, clearly and concisely state your problem. If you have more than one, use the problem that is at the top of your list.

Equally important to knowing how to describe it, is knowing the parameters of the problem. Let’s examine this further by using this set of questions.

 ⁃  Is your problem conditional on a particular circumstance?

⁃  Is your problem conditional on a particular relationship or with one particular person?

⁃  Is your problem age related? What if you were five years old? What if you were one hundred years old? Would it still matter?

⁃  What if you were the opposite gender, would it still be relevant?

⁃  In what context or circumstance would this no longer be a problem?

⁃  Would your problem still be valid last year, or ten years ago? How about twenty years into the future?

By answering these edge-finding questions you might now see that your problem is contained. Have you allowed a problem to spill over into the other parts of a reasonably otherwise okay life? How much laser focus do you have on this one problem, on this one area of your life? How much time do you spend retelling the story of your problem without the premise of seeking a real solution? How open are you to solving your problem?

The following exercise will help you define your problem with sense cues. Sense cues are the way in which your brain encodes information. The questions in the exercise may seem strange. Remember we are not looking for logic here; we are bringing forth the language of your unconscious mind.

Transform a problem exercise

Grab a piece of paper and a pen. Write down the first answer to pop into your mind for each of these questions.

⁃  What colour is your problem?

⁃  What shape is it?

⁃  Does it have a smell?

⁃  Is there a texture to it?

⁃  Now use just one word to describe your problem.

Take ten seconds to check the colour of the ceiling. (Remember the break state from earlier? This allows your brain to reset in readiness for the next part of the exercise.) Now, as quickly as you can, assign:

⁃  a new colour

⁃  a new shape

⁃  a new smell

⁃  a new texture

Using humour, rename your problem. The more absurd the better. If you’re not feeling that creative, use Unicorn. From this point forward you’ll refer to your problem with its new name.

All problems by their very nature are perceptional

Did that statement surprise you? It might seem like I’m not taking you seriously. I get it, your unicorn is not easy to tame because if it was, you’d already have done so by now, right? The thing is, taming your unicorn needs some insights into how to tame a unicorn. I guarantee we will work seriously on this together. For now, just put Unicorn in the back seat as I navigate you through the process of unpacking why we humans do the things we do and why we think the things we think. If you understand how problems are put together, it is much easier to reduce them down to a grain of sand. I often call problems puzzles because puzzles have solutions. Puzzles take you on an adventure that teaches you new skills and wisdom during the process of working them out.

Often when you are stuck in the middle of a problem, a fear can rise up in you from thinking this problem won’t ever release. This fear state prevents you from embracing the solutions flowing past you every second. An imagined pain is never as bad as the pain of not moving into a place of empowerment through choice and action. How do you take off your Band-Aids? Quickly or painstakingly slowly? In reality, nothing ever remains constant. In releasing your tight grip on your perception, circumstances can transition, and your feelings will evolve. Tomorrow is brand new. Allow yourself to seize the opportunity in the next moment.

I’m not just going to show you how to solve your unique and special problem; I’m going to show you what creates your problem – any problem. The question for you to answer at the end of this part of the book is: ‘How does changing your perception change your reality?’

The Australian Featherweight Champion family

I’ve mentioned already that my childhood memories involved being abandoned. As entertainers, my parents travelled constantly. The first time they left me, I was three or four years old and they went away for six months. When I was about seven or eight, they went away for over a year. This time, they left me with people who didn’t really like me. It was a family of mostly boys. The second eldest of the boys became the featherweight boxing champion of Australia. The third eldest also became a featherweight boxing champion and the fourth eldest wanted to be featherweight champion. My problem was that they terrified me. If it wasn’t physical, it was psychological abuse. Because I was an outsider invading their family, they were bound to attack. I had no social position within the group, which meant that in terms of the hierarchy, I was at the bottom. I was the smallest and the youngest. As a kid, I used to wonder what the hell I did wrong. I had lost my real family and was dumped into what for me was purgatory.

Failure and disappointment are the hammers and fire that harden the steel.

This all had a major effect on my psychology and behaviour. I became traumatised and so many parts of my life became broken. I can tell you this story of my childhood now without a pang of emotion. It no longer affects me. If you were able to see my face as I was telling you this story, you would see that I have no emotional attachments associated with it; it’s just a neutral memory. If you haven’t resolved a painful, historical event, telling its story can have more emotional loading than the memory itself. It is not happening at this precise moment in time. I know it is just a memory with the gaps filled in: a fantasy.

I healed myself using the processes I’ll be sharing with you. You may have no recollection of anything negative in your childhood. However, everything in your history that has happened has brought you to the seat you’re sitting in right now. Childhood events bear the most weight on your behaviour, your beliefs, your decisions. You don’t have to suffer a childhood trauma to be experiencing relationship, health or financial woes today. No one’s childhood creates a perfect smooth-sailing life. Your parents and caregivers likely did the best they could with the knowledge and resources they had. You’ve done your best to get to where you are today. Life is nothing short of a miracle. We aren’t going to be making you relive childhood, nothing like that. You’ll be shaking off the things that you once thought were part of you and your identity. You’ll soon discover that releasing all the baggage that is not serving you well will breathe new possibilities into your life. It’s a personal evolution within a number of hours.

The beauty of my childhood experience of physical abuse is that, as a result, I learned how to fight and protect myself. I became involved in cage fighting before they had rules. If you know anything about this sport, you will know how tough it is. What I was really trying to do was kill a monster that lived inside my head. As far as methodologies go for killing internal monsters, that was the hard way. If you look at my face and my hands, you can see the scars from those fights. My nose was broken many times, little fingers dislocated, and I have busted knuckles. I fought with opponents much bigger than myself, but the fight could never be won because the fight was never with them.

You may also have had a less than ideal history. The objective here is to revel in that history and turn the shit of the past into the fertiliser of the future. Literally grow something from it. You have learned something from your experiences. Make those learnings work for you rather than trying to run away and hide or fight invisible monsters. Use your experiences to become better, stronger and wiser, to be of assistance to yourself and to others. I can guarantee that you have your own story that you replay. It is no more or less than anyone else’s, it is just your own. It is unique. There is nothing right and there is nothing wrong, but it is not real. It is equivalent to a fantasy. You definitely remember it, but is it happening where you are at this precise moment in time? I highly doubt it. You may be saying ‘yes but, yes but’ right now, but let me tell you: it is still a fantasy. I may come across as a bit of a bully with regards to this particular subject, simply because your future happiness is directly linked to your ability to grasp this particular concept. If this concept doesn’t sit well with you, then I’m inviting you to be open to it, as it is going to give you a head start on what is to come. Can you think of at least one positive thing that has come out of a problem you’ve encountered in history?

Three young girls were playing in the street. They all witnessed a cat running across the road and being hit by a car. The cat died instantly, and its remains were unrecognisable as it was flattened into the road. The first girl screamed, fell to the ground and looked away in horror, crying uncontrollably. The second girl ran over and poked it with a stick, curious as to what was inside the cat. The third girl ran after the car that had hit the cat to make the driver take responsibility.

Each girl observed the exact same event but will tell the story in three very different ways. In the future, they will recount the story in the context of how they perceived it. As time passes the story will be adjusted and modified as the clarity fades and the mind fills in the gaps. Which story is right? Which girl is right? All of them and none of them. It is purely perceptional: a fantasy. With each additional observer witnessing the accident, a different variation of the story would be told. The event will be assigned a different meaning. How does the event shape the future behaviour and beliefs of each observer based on the story they have recorded in their memory?

Strengthen the weakest link

Chains break at their weakest link. Discover what your weakest link is in the wheel of life and strengthen it. Spending time and energy improving that which you are weakest at will lead to corresponding and often exponential improvements in other aspects of your life. If you are a workaholic and never get enough rest, that is your weak link. Get more rest, meditate, contemplate and spend more time on your hobbies, then watch as your productivity at work improves significantly with less effort. If you are great at relationships and socialising but are having difficulty getting a job, spend more time and energy on discovering what your passion is, take an aptitude survey, educate yourself and develop your knowledge and skills accordingly. Then look for a job that excites you. You will find the quality of your health and social life will improve because your mindset will switch to joy and relaxation.

We spend a significant proportion of our life at work, so it’s worthwhile focussing effort on securing a job you enjoy and that meets your desired criteria. Those who have greater job satisfaction spend far less on toys, distractions, drugs and alcohol. Balancing the wheel of life doesn’t mean you must spend equal amounts of time on rest, hobbies, work and socialising. However, if you only spend a small proportion of your time on rest and hobbies and the remainder on work, your wheel will be likely be wobbly. Think of how you spend your time as a bucket that has two holes in the side of it, one located high up and one down low. Fixing the highest hole will be a waste of time as you will only ever be able to fill the bucket up to the level of the lowest hole. Fix the lowest hole, and you will be able to fill the bucket all the way to the high hole. Fixing the weakest point produces a much better return on investment.

Rest and sleep

Just like any other muscle in your body, your brain needs time to recuperate after prolonged periods in one particular activity. Professional athletes have to take regular breaks for their muscles to recover from lactic acid build-up and the associated muscle soreness. If I told you to go out and run a marathon today, depending on your fitness levels, you might get through it. What would happen if I told you to run another marathon the next day? Would your muscles be as effective? What if you had to then do it again, the day after that? You’d be lucky to get out of bed by that point. You would be so fatigued that moving would be excruciating and ineffective.

Your brain works the same way. When you carry out an activity, electrical and chemical signals fire off in the brain. If you keep doing the same thing over and over, your brain becomes fatigued. How often have you been working on something for a long period of time and then come up against a brick wall? What happens when you sleep on it, or, if you then walk away, do something else and come back to it? It seems like you are viewing the work through fresh eyes. In truth, all that’s happened is your brain has had time to recover and build its reserves. Simply going off and doing something else has a solid basis in neurology. Apparently, Einstein used to do this if he came up against a problem he struggled to solve. If you’re having a relationship issue, go and do some office work, or take a walk, phone a friend, read a book. Simply carrying out a different activity can allow the overworked part of your mental real estate sufficient time to recover and subsequently find the solution.

Go slower, do less, be more present in each activity. Multi-tasking does not exist – it’s purely perceptional if you believe you are doing many things at the same time when in reality you are chopping and changing activities. Your brain cannot focus on two things simultaneously.

The fastest way into being overwhelmed is to look at everything you have to do and bounce your mind from one to the next. The antidote to this is to pick one thing and focus on that. Then tick it off. Prioritise. Ask yourself if you are addicted to adrenaline. Maybe you have created perpetual pressure on yourself as that’s the only thing that sparks you up and you need it like a caffeine hit. Having read this chapter, I challenge you to observe how you spend your week. Is it balanced? Notice if you tend to run yourself into the ground or take too many tasks on, which results in very little being achieved. Notice whether you spend large amounts of time partaking in distracting, empty activities such as scrolling through your social media feed.