We can all use a refresher course on what a "good man" looks like and does. This collection of short entertaining and informative stand-alone chapters defines the qualities, traits, and characteristics of what it means to not just be a man, but a "good man" in the modern world. Readers are sure to gain a fresh perspective of themselves and the men in their life through research and experience based studies that call men to rise above masculine mediocrity to be the man they, those they love, and the world needs them to be. An honest, humorous, and credible conversation with the reader that can be breezed through in a day or contemplated a chapter per day for a month.
Within the first few chapters, you'll be thinking of people you know who could benefit from the author's research and personal experiences intended to motivate and instruct readers (friends) to embrace the responsibilities placed upon them to earn and give virtue to the title of "man" in a world where the word has been drug through the dirt. This book was written for...you.
We can all use a refresher course on what a "good man" looks like and does. This collection of short entertaining and informative stand-alone chapters defines the qualities, traits, and characteristics of what it means to not just be a man, but a "good man" in the modern world. Readers are sure to gain a fresh perspective of themselves and the men in their life through research and experience based studies that call men to rise above masculine mediocrity to be the man they, those they love, and the world needs them to be. An honest, humorous, and credible conversation with the reader that can be breezed through in a day or contemplated a chapter per day for a month.
Within the first few chapters, you'll be thinking of people you know who could benefit from the author's research and personal experiences intended to motivate and instruct readers (friends) to embrace the responsibilities placed upon them to earn and give virtue to the title of "man" in a world where the word has been drug through the dirt. This book was written for...you.
âPeople were created to be loved. Things were created to be used. The reason why the world is in chaos is because things are being loved and people are being used.â *Anonymous
*Though this chapter was written with attention to the sexual relationship between a man and a woman, many of the basic principles apply regardless of sexual identification or preferences...so please, read on.
Bordered by the countries of Jordan to the east and Israel and the West Bank to the west, the Dead Sea is a 234-square mile salt lake with a depth of 997 feet. Its main tributary is the Jordan River. Because the lakeâs surface and shores are 1,412 feet below sea level, it has no outlets. Its lack of flow makes it nearly ten times saltier than the ocean itself, and it supports no life outside of a few tiny bacteria. Hence its name âThe Dead Sea.â It is dead because it takes but doesnât give. This is how relationships, love, and sex function, tooâthey are a give-and-take, and when itâs all take and no give, the relationship/love/sex dies.
When I was conducting one-on-one research with women about what makes a good man, women consistently ranked a man who pleases them first sexually before pleasing himself as one of the top five âgood manâ attributes. It seems you can cut a line between boyish/immature sexuality and masculine sexuality by simply determining if a man makes pleasuring his partner a priority, and specifically if he makes pleasuring her first a habit. If a man wants to be considered to be a good lover, he needs to be two things: a giver and a taker. If he only takes, he is a selfish boy, but if he gives first, he is a generous manâŠwho ends up âgetting,â too.
This is contradictory to anyone who learned sex from pornography, where males are all about taking and not giving. Most porn contains extreme and unrealistic depictions of sex acts that most adults donât do most of the time, so watching porn to learn about sex is like watching old Robin Hood movies to learn about archery. Those are just fantasies, and despite what many have been led to believe, most womenâs idea of sexual pleasure is not five minutes of giving a guy oral followed by him jackhammering her until he gets off and she deals with the mess. Admittedly, until my first long-term committed relationship, I actually thought that scenario was how things worked. Iâve since learned that truly great sex is about understanding and accepting that the journey is as good as the destination and often even better. Iâve also learned that if a guy wants to leap from being a boy to a man in a womanâs eyes, heâll need to follow a few directions.
Fortunately, women have been telling men what they want for years, and Iâve got some of those not-so-secret tidbits here for you. But since we fellas can have a tendency to get ahead of ourselves in matters of sex, letâs kick things off with the first and most important aspect of any sexual relationship: CONSENT. Consent matters! âNoâ means ânoâ and thatâs all there is to it. Respectful, enthusiastic, and consensual sex is the goal, and consent needs to happen before and during sex. This seems like such a no-brainer, yet every day the newsfeed spits out another story about some selfish piece of shit who forced himself sexually on someone else. That is something a real man just does not do.
With the âMe Tooâ movement, women and men are bringing their terrible experiences to light and exposing the evilness of sexual harassment and assault, enabling society to see the true magnitude of the problem. This has brought a much-needed sensitivity to how people initiate relationships and prompts the need for men to be particularly careful how they breach the subject of sex. If youâre a man whoâs concerned about this, good! Youâre on the right track. If youâre a man whoâs unconcerned about this, you are either living under a rock or perhaps youâre part of the problem. I think Emmeline May, also known by her blogger name âRockstardinosaurpirateprincess,â summed up consent most perfectly when she wrote the following in her Tea and Consent blog: Â
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If youâre still struggling, just imagine instead of initiating sex, youâre making them a cup of tea. You say, âHey, would you like a cup of tea?â and they go, âOMG, fuck yes, I would fucking LOVE a cup of tea! Thank you!*â Then you know they want a cup of tea. If you say, âHey, would you like a cup of tea?â and they umm and ahh and say, âIâm not really sureâŠâ then you can make them a cup of tea or not, but be aware that they might not drink it, and if they donât drink it, thenâthis is the important bitâdonât make them drink it. You canât blame them for you going to the effort of making the tea on the off chance they wanted it; you just have to deal with them not drinking it. Just because you made it doesnât mean you are entitled to watch them drink it.
If they say, âNo, thank you,â then donât make them tea. At all. Donât make them tea, donât make them drink tea, donât get annoyed at them for not wanting tea. They just donât want tea, okay?
They might say, âYes, please, thatâs kind of you,â and then when the tea arrives, they actually donât want the tea at all. Sure, thatâs kind of annoying as youâve gone to the effort of making the tea, but they remain under no obligation to drink the tea. They did want tea, and now they donât. Sometimes people change their mind in the time it takes to boil that kettle, brew the tea, and add the milk. And itâs okay for people to change their mind, and you are still not entitled to watch them drink it even though you went to the trouble of making it.
If they are unconscious, donât make them tea. Unconscious people donât want tea and canât answer the question âDo you want tea?â because they are unconscious.
Okay, maybe they were conscious when you asked them if they wanted tea, and they said yes, but in the time it took you to boil that kettle, brew the tea, and add the milk, they are now unconscious. You should just put the tea down, make sure the unconscious person is safe, andâthis is the important bitâ donât make them drink the tea. They said yes then, sure, but unconscious people donât want tea.
If someone said yes to tea, started drinking it, and then passed out before theyâd finished it, donât keep on pouring it down their throat. Take the tea away and make sure they are safe. Because unconscious people donât want tea. Trust me on this.
If someone said âYesâ to having tea at your house last Saturday, that doesnât mean that they want you to make them tea all the time.
Emmeline Mayâs âConsent: Not Actually That Complicatedâ blog wonderfully illustrates how consent isnât an absolute givenâit is getting permission from a willing participant.
Once consent is clear, here are some things sex experts say a man can do to ensure that he reigns supreme in the bedroom by wearing a kingâs crown when storming her castle. Get readyâŠhere we go!
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The number one thing is completely contrary to a manâs impatient nature when it comes to sex, but it is massively important. Itâs simply this: Slow down and donât race to penetration. Research studies have shown the average woman takes approximately 20 minutes to reach an orgasm and men only take 5 to 7 minutes. This supports the analogy of a woman being like a crockpot: slow to start but worth the wait. Meanwhile, men are more like microwaves: quick and easy. With the time-to-climax ratio being nearly 1 to 4, it makes logical sense that a man should not only go half as fast as he wants to, but at about a quarter of the speed. If youâre a man who really loves sex, this actually plays to your favor, because it allows you the opportunity to graduate from the simple school of intercourse to the graduate class of sexual mastery. And Foreplay 101 is where you earn your first degree.
So, like any good student knows, it all starts with preparation. Clean your hands and trim your nailsâif you donât, sheâll think that the sexiest thing you can do with your hands is wash the dishes. No woman wants dirty, infectious-spreading flanges in her most holy-of-holies, and youâre going to need those handy digits to get the job done. Also, good olâ fashioned kissing is the best way to get things started, so be courteous with some fresh breath. Assuming youâve covered the basics and given yourself permission to slow down and enjoy the moment, hereâs more advice sex experts have given. Heed their words so you too can rank high on a womanâs sex-o-meter!
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Communicate. Communication is key to great foreplay since thereâs no single move that works on all women. Some are simply more sensitive than others, and each carry their own interpersonal story into the bedroom. Foreplay involves asking questions about her preferences and shows you care about how she feels (while also letting you avoid bowling in the dark). Some women will open right up and tell you what they like, others may ask you to just get started and theyâll let you know as you go, and others may be incredibly shy due to past unpleasurable sexual experiences. When it comes to sex, people are at their most vulnerable, and many have been hurt. Itâs said that we often forget our pleasures but vividly remember our sufferings.
The largest sexual organ a person possesses is their brain. Women wonât always be able to verbally express how theyâre feeling, so a man needs to get pretty good at listening to his partnerâs body language. Beginning slowly with things like light touches, kissing, and caressing in an unforceful manner while working your way down builds sexual tension. If where your hands are going isnât doing anything for her, sheâll let you knowâŠbut if youâre in the zone and hear and hear a happy groan, sheâs telling you to keep up the good work, sir. A man who learns to listen, hear, and feel what a woman likes will be the kind of man who has her coming back for more.
Now that youâve shown her your ability to slow things down (and that youâre a good listener), itâs time to earn your medal in the Olympics of foreplay, the game of champions. The most time a lot of guys spend on foreplay is about a half-hour of begging, but the pendulum swings both ways here, dude! A real man knows how to get busy with the clitoris. It regally sits on the throne at the top of a womanâs genital area, implying it should get the most attention. Men, this is why the clitoris matters to you, too: according to over 33 comprehensive studies conducted over a span of 80 years, itâs been shown that about 75% of all women never reach orgasm from intercourse aloneâthat is, without the extra help of hands, tongue, or sex toys. That means only 25% of women consistently have orgasms during intercourse regardless of how long it lasts or the size of your penis. This shouldnât be a huge surprise considering that the clitoris is the primary stimulant for the female orgasm. Itâs located outside the vagina and a few inches above it, tucked nicely under the top part of the labia, or outer vaginal lips. Intercourse alone just canât provide the clitoral stimulation necessary for most women to be aroused enough to the point of orgasm.
Learn what she likes. Different women like different things because theyâre built differently. She will tell you what she wants. If she doesnât, listen to her body language, and if itâs working, donât change it. Repetition works with clitoral stimulation, so when you find the right speed, pressure, and rotation, keep it going. This instruction isnât only for newbiesâit also includes men who are already in long-term committed relationships, because what worked yesterday may not work today, and although most women donât stop wanting sex, they do get bored of the same olâ, same olâ. I recommend you do additional research if the female region has you a bit perplexed. Donât worryâit has a lot of women perplexed, too. Most couples spend more time looking for their keys than for the G-spot. Oh, did I not mention the G-spot? Like I said, go do your research if thatâs something youâre not already into (or if you and your partner are interested in adding to your sexual portfolio). And while youâre exploring your horizons, be sure to let her know that youâre enjoying yourself so that she doesnât feel alone. She wants to pleasure you the same as you want to pleasure her! Conveying your pleasure takes the pressure off of you both, which relaxes her and makes it easier for her to orgasm.
Once you can consistently bring a woman to orgasm, youâll ensure that you never commit the terrible crime of going in dry. Here's what leading sex experts have to say about that: âDonât go in dry!â For a woman, thatâs about as enjoyable as a lotion-less back rub on a sunburn. Great foreplay prepares the vaginal opening for great intercourse, and knowing youâve pleasured her first wonât have you quite so self-conscious about finishing too quickly. And speaking of speed, racing through intercourse is like lingering over the appetizer and then inhaling the entrĂ©e. Savor the moment there, fellaâyouâve earned it!
When a man embraces the concept that sex comes in many forms, he can begin enjoying the whole person, which is what sex is really all about. Our bodies were built for sex, and sex is meant to be enjoyedâŠby both participants. Neglecting the womanâs pleasure during sex will likely result in a sex drive as lifeless as The Dead Sea, which neither of you want. Itâs a good man who learns a womanâs desires and needs while making sure the ladyâs orgasm comes first. This kind of manly performer proves heâs a giver, not just a taker. That also displays his confidence and ability to make almost any lady come alive and flow like the mighty Mississippi!
Being a man in the contemporary world is not easy. We live in an age that still depends for what little hope it has on men being self-sacrificial and protective and engaging with the world to solve problems but which continually attacks men for real and imagined moral failings and views men as a problem rather than as part of the solution to a myraid of social evils including dysfunctional families and a society that has seemed to lose its way. It is little surprise in such a world that there should be a proliferation of books that discuss what sort of man one should be, of which this book is an excellent example. And this book's approach is demonstration of the fact that being a good man in the contemporary age is particularly hard, requiring a set of qualities that are seen as highly contradictory and certainly not easy to simultaneously cultivate in a world where to be a good man at all is to be scorned by those who see it as necessary and proper not merely to attack the excesses or absences of male behavior but to see manhood itself as problematic.
Ultimately, it must be admitted that the view of manhood that the author urges is immensely complex and at times seems somewhat contradictory, as when he urges men to be both immensely tough but also in touch with their feelings, qualities that are seen by many men as being antithetical to each other. At other times, the author urges men to view the consent of women to any advances as being an important manner but also has a strong desire to promote some more old-fashioned male virtues like being skilled at repair work, possessed of a strong sense of personal honor, and being chivalrous in one's dealings with womenfolk. There is no question that in the author's eyes being a good man is both a noble and an immensely difficult calling, requiring someone to be well-rounded and committed to personal growth and development in all aspects of one's life. And there is no question as well that achievement of this ideal would mean that there would be no just criticisms of the behavior of men by those who want the well-being of men and women. The main concern is that it is easy to feel about the attainment of such qualities the way that Elizabeth Bennet felt about not knowing any women in her own acquaintance that met such a demanding standard.