“My name is Skylan Mills, my chart number is 647824” I replied with a depressed attitude. 

I thought about how much I hated my life. I could have been home asleep instead of being there.

“Can you verify your date of birth?” The clerk asked kindly

“March 13, 1998” I said 

“Thank you. Can you verify your address please?” the clerk said selflessly even after I gave her an attitude.

“My address is 314 Andele Way Liberty Hill, Texas” I tried not to use an attitude that time.

“Thank you, what is wrong with you today or why are you here?” The clerk proceeded to ask warmly.

Of course, I told her the reason I was there, while I tried to be as polite as possible. All I wanted was to go home to forget that I drove forty minutes to the hospital in Austin. 

“I think that I might have COVID. The past few days I have been running a fever, headache, nauseous, dizziness, and my body is aching. Since it's going around, I figured that I would come to the ER” I said with a voice that was as deep as a man.  

“Ok thank you, have a seat please and a Physician Assistant will call your name as soon as possible.” the clerk said kindly

I walked over to the waiting area. I tried to sit in a chair where there weren't that many people around. Two hours later,after sitting there for what seemed like forever, I heard a Physician Assistant that called my name.

“Skylan Mills!” the Physician Assistant yelled

I picked up my phone and keys from the ground and walked over to the Physician Assistant

“Hello, how are you?” I said with an ill voice.

“Hello, my name is Jill, I will be your PA. Thank you for asking. I am good, how about you?” The Physician Assistant replied

“I am good, considering” I said with a crackle, deep voice.

Who wanted to hear that I felt like I was dying inside? People only asked a person that because it was polite. No one really cared if I was having a good or bad day. I believe it was mostly just small talk.

“I can tell. Can you step on the scale please?” Physician Assistant Jill asked

I stepped on the scale. I thought to myself has anyone ever said no to that question. Some people might not want to know their weight.

“You weigh 115 pounds” I smirked then quickly stepped off the scale.

“Can you sit down in the chair please? I need to ask you a few questions.” the Physician Assistant Jill asked warmly

I was preparing for questions that I knew I would lie about. I didn’t think anyone told the truth on those questions or at least the full truth. It’s like when the dentist asks a patient if they floss their teeth every day. Most people would say yes even though most people don’t floss their teeth every day. 

She slid a temperature gauge across my forehead.

“99.8, you are running a little high” the Physician Assistant said

She put a blood pressure cuff on me then pushed a button on the machine it was connected to. 

“110/70” PA Jill said

She took the blood pressure cuff off of me then put the cuff back on the machine. 

“Thank you” I said.

“On a scale from one to ten, how much pain are you in?” PA Jill said with a smile while she read off the computer screen. 

I was not going to say ten, I wasn’t dying nor was I getting ready to die.

“I would say that I am probably a seven.” I said depressed and ill.

I tried to never go over seven, I always wanted to save the ten for when I was dying.

“Do you drink alcohol?” PA Jill said as she slowly lost her smile as she proceeded. 

“Yes, I drink alcohol, but I only do it socially.” I said with a kind smile.

Which was true, I would only drink socially.

“How many times do you drink a year?” Physician Assistant Jill asked without judgement with a smirk on her face. 

Honestly, I would drink more than a hundred times or so a year, but I wasn’t going to tell her that. No one really would say yes to spend half the year drinking. Not every time I did would I acquire the amount of alcohol to make me blackout wasted. 

“I drink no more than ten times a year.” I said as if I didn’t just lie to that Physician Assistant

“Do you smoke?” she asked, still without judgement and with a polite smile. 

I didn’t have to lie on that question. I couldn’t stand cigarette smoke. Everyone I knew smoked except my Grandma Maggie. Even then, she smoked for many years before she quit. 

“NOPE” I was completely confident with that answer.

“How many sex partners have you had?” she asked while staring at the computer with a half-smile on her face.

I had not been with that many people. It made me think of the number of people my partners had been with before me.

“I have only been with five people.” I said with a little judgement for myself.

Gosh, there were so many questions. I just wanted to hurry up with the whole process. 

Then she asked me one more question that I knew she was going to ask me, but I never wanted to answer. 

“Have you ever tried to commit suicide?” Physician Assistant Jill asked with a closed lip smile

I was very impressed by the little amount of judgement she showed. I would have put a negative number on the amount of judgement she used during the whole process. Until then I had never known someone who didn’t show any judgement. I had tried twice to commit suicide but I couldn’t tell her that. At that moment I had to think of my future. If I told her yes, then she would send me to a psych ward immediately if I told her no then she might perceive that I was lying. So I decided to go with the half-truth. 

“No, I have not ever tried to commit suicide, but I do feel like never getting out of bed.” I said as I tried not to sound like I had just lied. In that exact moment; I knew everything was going to change. I knew that I wouldn’t be sent to a psych ward so that was a relief but I knew it wouldn't be the same. 

“Do you see a therapist?” Physician Assistant Jill asked while she used a natural smile.

Did it look like I needed to see a therapist? But I couldn’t exactly ask her that.

“No, I do not see a therapist” I said a little ruder than I had intended.

“Thank you that is all the questions I have for you” Physician Assistant Jill finally put a smile back on her face, it seemed forced but at least she was smiling.

The Physician Assistant walked me back to a room that was uncomfortable and unfortunately looked like every other emergency room. There, I was, again, alone, in a room that was tedious and empty. It had a sink, a chair, a computer, andfour white walls. It also had the examination table with a white sheet of paper on it. I assumed the hospital didn’t think that people were sick enough because the room was extremely cold. All I could think about at that moment was, why am I alone again? Why didn’t I have any friends? Where were the friends that I had before? What had happened to me? Was there something wrong with me? My mind went back to the description of the room. Why was that room dull and boring? Where was the doctor? While I sat there being impatient in the colorless room, I thought to myself if I didn’t haveCOVID-19, I would go insane after all the waiting I had already done. Plus I had to answer all those ridiculous questions. I asked myself, should I have even gone to the emergency room? After I waited for what seemed like forever, the doctor finally came in the room

“Hello, my name is Dr. Stint. Can you tell me what is wrong with you today?’ she asked kindly.

I thought she was kidding? I already had told the Physician Assistant. I wondered if they communicated before the doctor came into the room. Maybe the Physicians Assistants and Physicians just sat around and talked about what they did the night before. Who knows...

“My lower back is in extreme pain and it is uncomfortable to move. I have a migraine so bad that I can barely open my eyes.” I said

“I am going to do a COVID-19 test on you” Dr. Stint said

Dr. Stint told me to tilt my head back. She stuck a swab up both sides of my nostrils that felt as if she had hit my brain.

“I will be back when the test comes back. If you would just wait here. It should only be about thirty minutes.” The doctor said

The doctor walked back into the emergency room about forty-five minutes later to talk to me.

“You do have COVID. I am going to prescribe you some medication. Drink plenty of water. I hope you start to feel better. You need to quarantine for two weeks. Another doctor will be in here shortly to talk about making an appointment with a counselor?” Dr. Stint said very neutral 

I had to wait to see another doctor. It took forever for that doctor to come into the room. I just knew I was going to have to go through the process to go to talk to a therapist. A freaking therapist!!!!

After I waited for what seemed like hours, another doctor came in.  

“Hello, my name is Dr. Reels. I understand that you are going through a difficult time and need help?” Dr. Reels said

“I guess, I really don’t want to go to a therapist, but I guess I will try it out.” I said with a sigh 

I answered his questions like any functional person would. 

“On a scale from one to ten how sad are you?” Dr. Reels asked

“Do you have trouble getting out of bed every day?” Dr. Reels asked another question

“Do you have trouble sleeping at night or not sleeping at all?” Dr. Reels asked another question

“Seven, yes and sometimes both.” I answered

Dr. Reels gave me a business card that had a number on it for me to call. Dr. Reels told me to set up an appointment with the suggested therapist. YES! I finally was able to leave that place after being there for approximately four hours. I walked to my car, I dreaded a forty minute car ride all by myself. I went to the pharmacy to pick up the medicine the doctor prescribed to me. I went through the drive through. I told the clerk my name and my date of birth. She put the medication in the tube then sent it down. I grabbed the medication out of the tube then drove off. I decided I would wait until I was home to take the medication. Once again it was time to think about all the negative thoughts that went through my head every day. All the questions that I didn’t know the answers to at that moment. I did know that I was ready to behome and in my bed. I was tired but more than likely I would not sleep, just watch television in my bedroom. Netflix was more than less my distraction to life. I knew when I arrived home if Grandma Maggie was there she would yell at me about the fact I slept late. Also she would tell me that I needed to search for a job. Grandma Maggie made me feel like theworld would be better off without me in it. Ugh, I changed my mind. After I thought about all that would happen when I arrived home, I no longer wanted to go home. But then what would I do? I didn’t want to go anywhere; I didn’t feel like driving home. Since I didn’t have anywhere to go I went home. I pulled up to my house, I pushed the button for the garage door to open. I noticed that my Grandma Maggie’s car wasn’t in there. I drove into the garage then just sat in the garage for a little bit. I decided fifteen minutes later that I would drag myself out of my car. I walked into the house, into my bedroom, I turned my television on in my room. I sat there then messed around on my phone because I didn’t have any friends, what else would there be for me to do? Plus I had COVID-19. I was broken, sick and had no one to do anything with. Not that I would really want to do anything with anyone if I did have friends. My body was in so much pain that I didn’t want to do anything. My grandma walked in my room with an angry look, it was like she knew I didn’t look for a job that day. I knew that she was about to yell at me.

“What did you do today? Did you go searching for a job?” my grandma started to yell at me.

I needed her to stop yelling at me about everything that I knew I was doing wrong; I knew I already failed at life. 

“No, I went to the emergency room today!” I yelled back

Not that she really cared if I died or not.

“Why did you go there?” my grandma’s voice increased with each word.

“I figured I had COVID, now I have to make an appointment to go see a therapist. But first I have to get over Covid-19” I said as loud as I could.

I knew that it sounded like we hated each other but that was only because all she did was yell at me. I didn’t think that she understood me or understood what I was going through at the time. I had been able to keep it hidden but I thought I hadhit my lowest point. I would just sit on my phone while I watched television. My room was big and had one window, but I had blackout curtains so it was extremely dark in my room. I liked it better that way.

“Dinner is ready, if you want to eat!” Grandma Maggie yelled from the bottom of the stairs

“I am not hungry!” I yelled back

“Fine, then don’t eat!” Grandma Maggie yelled.

Our conversations were always loud and short. I looked at the time. Wow, it was already eight o’clock at night. I was still watching television, messing around on my phone. I had no one to talk to, so I scrolled through Facebook, Instagram and TikTok. I eventually fell asleep around ten o’clock that night.

The next morning, I woke up around nine o’clock. I turned on a different show on my television. Every morning when Iwould wake up, I would check my phone and use the bathroom. I might eat if I was hungry or felt like I needed to eat, which was not an everyday habit. Most of the time I didn’t eat, most of the time I wasn’t hungry. If I could have gottenaway without eating then I would have but I had enough problems as it was, I didn't want anyone getting onto me about eating or not eating. I really did not need to develop anorexia on top of depression. I decided to call the therapist, I thought I would go see the therapist the doctor had referred me to at the Emergency Room. I picked up my iPhone and the business card. I called the number on the small white business card, 555-555-0909.

“Hello, Caring Seasons. How can I help you?” the woman on the phone said with a sweet voice.

“Hello, my name is Skylan Mills. I need to make an appointment with Dr. Burn.” I tried to sound like I wanted to make this call.

I had to go through a long process of being on the phone. Sometimes I wished phones were never invented.

“What is your name again?” the woman asked kindly.

“Skylan Mills” I tried not to sound annoyed.

“What is a good number to call you back at?” the woman still sounded sweet.

“555-272-8000” I said with a mellow voice.

“What is a good day for you to come in?” the woman said

I wish I could have told her that I didn’t want to go but I knew that I needed to go to a therapist.

“I guess two or three weeks from now is a good day.” I tried to say with a mellow voice.

Honestly, never would have been a good day. I didn’t want to drive forty minutes to a doctor's office in Austin to talk about my problems. That was more alone time in the car that I didn’t want to deal with by myself. 

“Tuesday, January 19th is open. We have a 10:00 AM appointment, would that work for you?” the clerk said with a chirpyvoice.

Of course, because I didn’t like being mean, I wasn’t going to tell her no when I had nothing else to do.

“Yes, it will work for me.” I tried to sound nice.

I was so depressed; I tried to be happy for other people because I did not want my problems to fall on anyone else. I would just smile everyday like the next happy person would do. 

“Okay, I have you on the schedule Tuesday, January 19th at 10 in the morning. We will see you then. Have a nice day.” The woman on the phone told me kindly

“Okay, thank you. You too.” I tried to sound happy and kind back.

I hoped that no one would call me after I hung up the phone. I just wanted to lay in bed and watch television. 

That whole day went on and no one called me, which I enjoyed because I did not enjoy talking to people anymore. I used to like talking to people, but as time went on I just wanted people to leave me alone. I watched T.V. and messed around on my phone for the rest of that day. Then, just like every night Grandma Maggie told me dinner was ready, every night I would tell her I wasn’t hungry. Some nights she would bring me a plate just so I would eat. 

Since I had COVID-19 all I did was lay in bed then walk around about every 45 minutes so my lungs could obtain some fresh air. It was all the same for a week and a half. Once I started to feel better, the next week and a half went by where I did the same thing I did every week. NOTHING DIFFERENT. I just watched television and messed around on my phone.

Only difference with those two weeks was I felt sick because of COVID. I didn’t have any more friends so no one knew that I had COVID-19 but my Grandma Maggie.