Prologue
While drinking a glass of red wine, I watched the blazing
fire roll down the hill. I got the second emergency
alert call to evacuate immediately. I couldn’t believe
this was happening again. Last time this happened my son still
lived at home, my parents lived with us, and Peaches, our sweet
dog was still alive. Back then, I had to get everyone organized,
packed, and ready to evacuate. Back then, I’d been more nervous,
concerned about my aging parents, my teenage son and our dog,
who could sense the tension and had anxiously paced back and
forth with her tongue hanging out. This time, it was just me. I
thought about what I should take with me. After all, I had already
lost so much in life, yet at the same time, I felt I was blessed with
all that I still had. After all, my parents had moved me halfway
around the world when I was a teenager, leaving my love behind.
I had grieved losing two husbands by the time I was 50, another
husband in between who betrayed me at my most vulnerable
moment, and I’d struggled with my father’s cancer, which ended
in suicide. Just as I was catching my breath, I had to put my dog
to sleep followed by my mother’s long-term illness and her painful
death. At the same time, I was so grateful for all I had. I was so
happy that I was not angry and resentful. I was not bitter; I was
content. I had love again, and I was stronger than ever before. I
was still standing.
As I packed a change of clothes, my laptop, few photo albums
that my son requested and my small metal safe deposit box with
important documents, I reflected on how little all our possessions
really matter to us. As I was packing the albums, the memories
started to come back, old wounds flared up and I started to feel
the pain and the deep sadness. I ached for my son who had lost
his father at age ten. I felt lonely; I missed the people I had in my
life that I’d loved and lost. I missed all they brought to my life. At
times, I could not believe I had survived all that had happened
in my life in such a short time. Tears rolled down my cheeks. I
realized the effects those pictures had on me and why I did not
even want to take those albums with me. I had the memories
in my heart and that’s all I could ever have, the rest of my life.
I realized that’s why I no longer made photo albums. I realized
how simplistic life had become for me. I did not need much. I
cherished the moments I was with the people I loved and that is
all I ever needed.
I put everything in my car and drove down the street and
down the hill to leave Oak Park, where I had lived for 28 years. I
was full of emotion. I thought this might be yet another traumatic
moment in my life but at the same time, I felt like this couldn’t
happen. When would I ever get a break? I thought about my son
and how this would affect him. After all, he and I had shared
experiences and we had worked hard to always see the light. I was
tired of being strong. I was tired of being in survival mode. How
different my life would have been had I made different choices. I
had to follow my heart. I had to live fully, not just exist in a predefined
box. I had no regrets, as I went down my memory lane.
All the events that happened in my life and choices I made shaped
my life and who I am today.
