Chapter 1: The Epidemic of Estrangement in America

In his highly regarded book Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict, Joshua Coleman states, "No one knows who is going to [be estranged] and who isn’t. There are many truly abusive parents whose children would never dream of estranging them; conversely, there are plenty of dedicated parents whose children choose to end the relationship. The fact that so many dedicated parents are estranged today shows that this is part of a larger social phenomenon, more than the problem of any one parent” ( Coleman 257). There is a cruel irony to the words of Dr. Coleman. Some parents are abusive to their children, and those children would never think of abandoning their parents. I know of those kinds of families.

On the other hand, there are those parents who raised their children in an idyllic world, and yet they find themselves to be estranged parents. I am one of those. Estrangement is not new to American society, nor any other society, and generation after generation has had this problem. However, estrangement in American society is at an all-time high, and it has become more of a social phenomenon than a run-of-the-mill, every-generation estrangement. 

Estrangement is what is happening in America in the year 2023. A significant generation is shedding their parents like they are witches. They do so by abandoning, shunning, and ostracizing them. The parents have become strangers ( thus, estranged) in their own families. As I indicated, this is happening to more than just parents who made serious mistakes as parents. Estrangement is happening to good and outstanding parents, just as Dr. Coleman has indicated. My ex-wife and I were exceptional parents who did our best to raise our two children to be good citizens. In my case, It did not matter to my children that I was an outstanding parent. I have been tossed under the bus for violating their bizarre values for some inexplicable reason. No single expert understands why this is happening at epidemic proportions in America. My ex-wife has not suffered the same fate because she chooses not to challenge their adult behavior. As I write this book, I need to learn about the reason(s) for abandonment. I will address this problem later in the book. 

In the past, estrangement was primarily due to parents exercising lousy parenting. Parents who were abusive and committed egregious acts left their children with no choice but to abandon their parent(s). Egregious acts like sexual misconduct, physical abuse, emotional abuse, and other misconduct were the reasons why children decided to become estranged from their parent(s). This is understandable and probably justified behavior on the part of the children. However, we are not talking about becoming estranged from the classic egregious acts on the part of parents. Instead, a different era of estrangement has arrived in American society. 

Daniel DeVise comments in a recent article on the internet published by thehill.com, “One-Quarter of Adult Children Estranged from a Parent” is a startling statistic, given that it means one-fourth of eighty million Baby Boomers who are estranged parents. According to the article, this is a “societal shift” from traditional family ties. Also, according to the article, “One recent study, drawing on thousands of interviews with adult children, found that 26 percent reported estrangement from the father. A much smaller 6 percent share had cut ties with mothers.” 

Although the statistics show a large segment of society touched by estrangement, the numbers are unclear given that people are unwilling to admit that they are estranged from family members. The numbers are more significant than reported, knowing that many are reluctant to admit to such a failing. There is a great deal of shame associated with being an estranged parent, and so things are kept quiet. 

More significantly, Fern Schumer Chapman indicates in another article derived online at psychologytoday.com, “Why So Many Families Are Living With Estrangement,” the statistics are appalling: 

“One in four Americans reported being estranged from a relative in a 2019 nationwide survey of 1,340 Americans aged 18 and older. The survey conducted by Karl Pillemer, a professor of human development at Cornell University, showed that more than one-fourth of the respondents—27 percent—reported a current estrangement. Most had a rift with an immediate family member: 24 percent were estranged from a parent, 14 percent from a child, and 30 percent from siblings. The remainder were estranged from other relatives.

Another study in 2015 also showed that at least 27 percent of Americans are estranged from a member of their own family, and research suggests about 40 percent of Americans have experienced estrangement at some point.

According to a 2015 survey for the British estrangement charity Stand Alone, estrangement affected one in five families in the United Kingdom. Analysis of 807 members of the Stand Alone community who completed a survey showed that 54 percent agreed with the statement that “estrangement or family breakdown is common in our family,” and 68 percent of adults estranged from one or more members of their families believe a stigma accompanies family estrangement. The respondents cited the fear of judgment and assumptions of fault or blame as frequent sources of shame.”

Many families are affected by estrangement, and although many do not suffer from this problem, there are too many in American society to ignore the issue. Quite a few books written by psychologists attempt to deal with this problem by offering causes and solutions to this crisis. However, there are an equal number of psychologists who are encouraging adult children to cast off their “toxic” parents. It is an industry that is helping to create the problem and, at the same time, offering so-called “solutions” to the estrangement problem. Joshua Coleman has indicated that too many psychologists are using the word “toxic” to describe the parents to the adult children seeking help. Then they suggest that being around “toxic” people is not in the adult child’s best interest, and so the estrangement problem got a big boost from the psychologists. 

In chapter two, we examine the varying effects of estrangement on the estranged person. Those who estrange a loved one may not realize how damaging it is to the estranged's soul. Discussing the effects will hopefully elevate one’s consciousness about how punishing such a decision is.