Their paths crossed on most days; she would be returning home after

her shift at the hospital and he would be heading off to the

pub for a drink before supper with his family. She was young and single...,

well, divorced, after a short marriage that had lasted less than two

years. And with no children in tow, it was as good as being single. He

was older than her father, as she would later find out, and a much-loved

grandfather, as well. He came from an unpretentious working-class

English background, and she, from a working-class Sri Lankan background.

For her, life was a theatre, a pretence of being upper middleclass

or better. This was a trait that she had acquired from her mother,

who yearned for far greater things than her husband could ever deliver.

Mrs de Kretser’s eternal demands and lectures to her husband and children

had made their mark on their brood in subtle ways. Tanya, now

living in Kingston-upon-Thames, was endowed with the same feelings

of greatness that defined her mother. Like her mother, she was materialistic,

and insisted on having anything and everything that classified

itself as a luxury item. Appearances had to be maintained. Tanya spent

a small fortune on elocution lessons, makeup, and cosmetic surgery.

Initially, it was a simple greeting between the two, the hello, the

Good Evening; it soon progressed to a cursory question or comment on

the weather or how the day had been. John was six feet two, a strapping,

well-built bloke, tidily dressed in good quality clothing, comprising

tie, waistcoat, and jacket, and a felt hat that kept his greying hair in

place. He was very much tradition-bound. Tanya was dark-skinned, petite

and attractive; her long silky-black hair was done up in a bun and

tucked inside her nurse’s cap when she was on duty. She wore the traditional

nurse’s uniform of the seventies, with the cape tied around her

neck and draping over her shoulders. It was a good shield against the

wind and cold, she maintained. John had met no one from Sri Lanka

before. He was interested in finding out about life in a former British

colony. After some initial dithering, she agreed to meet him at the pub

for a drink, and that’s how it all started. They both enjoyed the drink

and each other’s company. Before long, they were meeting routinely,

two to three times a week in the pub.

One day, Tanya invited John to a meal in her flat. They were getting

on like a house on fire and emotions were rising high. Tanya was eager

to please John. He seemed such a decent sort, so unlike her ex; besides,

she was getting very fond of him. He reciprocated and was getting

equally fond of her. John arrived with a bunch of red roses; it was a flattering

gesture and soon they were in an embrace before the candlelit

dinner could commence. Dinner every Thursday with Tanya became a

ritual, and Tanya loved having this older man in her life. Perhaps her ex

had been too young to make her feel secure.

Three months flew by. The candlelit dinner was well under way that

Thursday when the doorbell rang. Tanya was surprised. She never had

friends drop in during the week. She excused herself from John and

went to open the door. A woman in her mid-thirties stood facing her.

There was a threatening look on her face as she brushed past Tanya and

walked straight through the hall into the flat. All hell broke loose as she

vented her tirade of anger on John. This was John’s eldest daughter. His

children had stalked him to see where he disappeared to each Thursday

evening. They had watched for several weeks, seen the silhouette

of John and Tanya eating through the window. The family had vowed

solidarity with their mother and gave their father no room for explanations.

There was little point in trying to make excuses, thought John. His

wife filed for divorce proceedings and kicked him out of the family home.

With nowhere to go, he made his way back to Tanya’s flat to discuss

their future together. It was marriage by default and then Tanya

was in the sticky predicament of telling her family that she had married

a man who was older than her father. The telephone call to her parents

to convey the message of her sudden marriage was embarrassing for

both parties.

‘What do you mean, you’ve got married again? You’ve only just got

divorced, you’ve broken the holy sacred sacrament of marriage, gone

against your church, and now you say that you’ve got married again?

What sort of Catholic are you? This is not how I brought you up, child.’

‘I know, mum but I’m on my own here and I had no choice. I had

to make a hard decision on my own. Papa's such a kind man, you’ll really

like him when you meet him...’

‘Did you just call him Papa? How old is this man and how have

you got married without the consent of the church? Was it in some

protestant joint?’

‘He’s only just turned sixty...’

Mrs de Kretser turned white. Why, this man was over thirty years

older than her daughter! With a hand held tight to her bosom, she

gasped and fell backward in a faint. Felix de Kretser quickly put his arm

around Joyce, his wife, to pillow her head; he grasped the dangling telephone

with the other.

‘Tanya, your mother has just fainted. I believe you have upset her

far too much this time. Let me repeat your mother’s question to you.

How old is this man you’ve married?’

‘Dad, I’m sorry I’m upsetting you and mum. Papa is sixty. I know

he sounds like he’s too old for me, but life is very different over here and

age does not have the same drawbacks as it does in Sri Lanka...’

‘So, I’m Dad and he’s Papa? Is that what I’m hearing? I need to

attend to your mother. Let’s talk another time. I just hope to God that

you haven’t made another big mistake in your life, Tanya.’

Tanya was far too upset to talk it through with John that evening,

and he knew it was best to leave her alone for the moment.

‘Let’s go to the pub and have a drink, perhaps even a bite, to eat

there. I don’t think you feel like cooking tonight.’

She was relieved. John was always so considerate. Soon her parents

will come to understand that. They’d see how different he was from her

ex. Decisions had to be made and she had made hers. They would come

around eventually and that is what happened with time.

Two months later, Tanya and John were off to Sri Lanka. She would

show them she’d not made a mistake this time. The first few days were

awkward, but soon both Joyce and Felix, and Tanya’s siblings came to

terms with Tanya having married someone older than their father. In

private, of course, they made fun of Tanya’s Papa. And Joyce simply

could not stop rebuking Tanya for having gone against the edicts of the

Catholic church; this she did whenever John was not around. She was

a devoted Catholic and expected all her offspring to be likewise.

Tanya knew her mother only too well and was prepared to appease

her in whatever way possible. She had chosen the right draw card. Joyce

was consoled with an invitation to her and Felix to visit the newlywed

couple in England with the promise of that long-awaited pilgrimage to

Lourdes; Joyce had waited a lifetime for this opportunity. It transposed

her into the realm of miracles and all things divine and spiritual. The

pilgrimage to Lourdes was one that was eternally talked about among

the Catholic circle of acquaintances she had. She could already see herself

describing every single detail of that pilgrimage to her friends on

her return. How they would envy her? She replayed this scene time and

time again. Each replay resulted in even greater surprise and wonderment

expressed by her audience of friends. She still had to decide on

whether she would include witnessing a lame man being cured, able

to walk, or should it be a blind woman being able to see once again?

Thankfully, there was plenty of time to refine those details. Joyce was

already feeling superior as she prematurely placed herself on that pedestal

that belonged only to those who had been there.

They gave Joyce and Felix a warm welcome upon their arrival in

England. Tanya and John picked them up at Heathrow and drove them

to their new flat, which had a spare room for the couple.

‘Good heavens, Tanya. Why have they got so many bags? Are they

planning on staying here for six months?’ Whispered John to Tanya.

It was a colossal amount of baggage, and John worried they might

not get it all in the car.

‘Shush. Mum might hear you. It’s just the way Mum is. She just

doesn’t understand the word moderation.’

‘So, she’s much the same as you?’ said John, only to receive a quick

punch and rebuke from Tanya.

How fortunate that the car had a luggage rack on the top. Joyce was

over the moon about Tanya’s new flat, so much nicer than the previous

one. At least her daughter had good taste in furniture and had learnt to

keep things tidy and spotless.

‘Give me a hand here, child. These are just a few things we got for

your new life with John.’ Joyce always referred to her children as child.

It served its purpose as long as none of the others were around. Six

names were a bit much to get right all the time.

Practically, the entire contents of one suitcase contained presents

for the newlyweds. It overwhelmed Tanya. The flat was hardly spacious.

Where on earth was she going to store all these appliances and linens

until she could get rid of them? A lot of the stuff had to simply go

under the bed. They’d have to remain there until her parents had left.

She would give what she could to friends, and what remained would go

to the church jumble sale. John decided it was best to turn a blind eye

and made himself busy brewing a pot of tea in the kitchen.

Between the two of them, they had taken enough time off so that

one of them would always be at home over the six-week visit. Tanya had

drawn up a list of places of interest. They were going to be busy days.

Joyce talked non-stop. She had to update Tanya on what had happened

back home since the last phone call of just four days ago. Incredibly, she

had no trouble whatsoever in finding an unending series of events that

could easily put to shame, the longest epic saga ever written. John was

struggling to maintain his sanity. Felix had learnt over the years that

claiming deafness had its usefulness. Even Tanya was feeling the strain

of her mother’s eternal need to be heard.

As the day for that much discussed trip to Lourdes approached,

Joyce’s excitement could not be contained. Bags were packed and unpacked

so many times that Joyce lost herself in her multiple plans and

the many bags allocated for this trip. The four travellers flew to Paris

and took a connecting flight to the local airport in the Pyrenees. A

short taxi trip got them to their hotel and finally they could set foot on

that sanctified ground. John’s only interest was that of a true protestant

tourist; miracles would not form part of his itinerary. Nevertheless, he

was going to make the most of the sight-seeing and cuisine. He smiled

ruefully to himself as he watched Joyce fall on a patch of ground and

kiss it as many other Catholics appeared to be doing. And to his utmost

disdain and surprise, Tanya followed suit. John was no fan of Catholics

or their pagan behaviours, but now that he was married to Tanya, he

had no option but to suffer in silence and accompany her to mass each

Sunday.

It was midsummer, and the weather was incredibly warm, almost

too warm for John. The de Kretsers were delighted with the bright sunshine,

so similar to their homeland. It was a pleasant occasion to have

lunch outdoors. Tourists flooded the streets and trade was brisk for all

the little shops along the avenues and lanes. They sold all manner of

things, from candles to souvenirs, empty jars of all sizes, prayer books,

pamphlets, holy water, statuettes and endless paraphernalia that enthralled

Joyce completely. Felix was concerned and had to enlist help

from Tanya and John to get her away from reducing him to bankruptcy.

They deftly guided her in the direction of the cathedral, Notre-Dame

de Lourdes; not that these venues were free to enter either. It was the

Grotto of Massabielle that soon became the draw card for Joyce and

Tanya. Supposedly being the spot where a peasant girl had seen a vision

of the Virgin Mary, the grotto drew massive crowds of pilgrims,

many coming day-in, day-out to bathe and purify themselves in the waters

that were deemed holy and curative.

Joyce and Tanya made countless visits to the grotto, prompting

John to investigate their reasons for the frequency. The two would

set off each morning, leaving the two men to amuse themselves. They

would head first to one of the shops that sold plastic bottles. Joyce

would buy several large plastic containers. The two women would then

make their way to the grotto, where they filled the bottles with the hallowed

water. They then lugged the filled containers back to the hotel

room. John had no choice but to question the motive behind this

and what they expected to do with so many gallons of holy water. He

was beside himself when Tanya informed him that this was all going

back with them to London and then onwards to Sri Lanka. ‘Mum has

promised all her friends a little bit of holy water from Lourdes..., so

she can’t possibly go back empty-handed.’ It was impossible to reason

with either woman, both were stricken with the same madness. The extra

weight would attract a massive surcharge at the airport, and John

realised that it would be he who would lug this extra weight around.

Tanya was more than generous to her parents, it was always..., ‘don’t

worry about that, Mum and Dad, Papa (John, if he was lucky to be

called that) will take that for you, Papa won’t mind at all...’ The two

women had gone as far as buying extra suitcases to pack the bottles of

water.

John had numerous reasons for being angry about this. First, there

was the immense cost of the transport which would come out of his

pay packet. Second, John had no intention of carrying suitcases that

weighed a ton; he would give himself a hernia. And finally, it was only

pagan belief that this water was curative and had miraculous proper-

ties. John realised he had to make this easy on himself, and quickly, he

hatched a plan. On the morning of their departure, Joyce, Felix and

Tanya all wished for one last visit to the grotto. John claimed he had

a headache and did not accompany them. As soon as they’d left, he

opened the suitcases with the bottles of water and empties them down

the bath. Closing the suitcases, which now had empty bottles, he carried

them down to the concierge and instructed him to hold them at

reception until their departure time.

The three travellers arrived in time for a quick lunch, followed by

departure via taxi to the airport. John went to sort out the taxi and

loaded the bags before he beckoned the three to get themselves in the

taxi.

‘Oh, John, you’re far too good to us. You’ve got all the bags into the

taxi already,’ said Joyce. ‘Thank you for being such a gentleman.’

‘Not at all, Joyce. Only glad you have enjoyed this visit so much.’

The taxi sped them on to the airport and once again, John took full

charge. He urged Tanya to take her parents to the departure counter

while he loaded the bags on a trolley. John checked all the bags in, to

the relief of Joyce and Felix. Neither of them wished to lug such heavy

weights, nor did they wish to know what the airfreight would cost.

They felt indebted and most grateful to John. He had such a robust

physique and was no doubt very fit as he worked as a security guard.

John ensured he played the role of baggage controller for the entire

journey and on arrival at their flat in Kingston, he quickly placed the

bags containing the empty bottles of water in the garage. It would save

space in the flat and could remain there until the old couple returned

to Sri Lanka. At least he’d saved a mint on air freight.

Joyce and Felix were over the moon with the trip to Lourdes. John

couldn’t imagine why as they’d only been to the Basilica and the grotto,

and this they did, several times each day. John, on the other hand, had

seen far more of the town and explored farther afield, sometimes accompanied

by Felix. He had visited the fortress of Lourdes, the museum, and taken the

He had visited the fortress of Lourdes, the museum, and taken the funicular to the Pic du Jer, offering magnificent views of the Pyrenees. With his days spent seeing all that he could of Lourdes and the surrounding attractions unconnected to Catholicism, John felt completely satisfied with the trip. Being away from them allowed him to cope with the incessant talk of miracles by this devout

Catholic family. Adding to his satisfaction was the fabulous French

food. Tanya’s cooking was nothing in comparison; he could well do

without it.

The really taxing part of the de Kretser’s holiday was coming to an

end. John had plenty of time to fill the empty bottles of water for the

return journey to Sri Lanka. He did this when Tanya and her parents

were out and about, all the while chuckling to himself like a naughty

schoolboy. Joyce busied herself discussing and updating her long list of

friends and acquaintances who were on her list of holy water recipients,

with Felix and Tanya. Had she remembered everyone? What if she had

forgotten someone? Did she have enough of the miracle water? And of

course, there were all those future friends; individuals known to her existing

friends who would wish for some of the divine fluid as well. The

list was seemingly endless, as would be her time accommodating each

visit and its endless list of referrals.

‘Child, I’m going to be unbelievably busy. How will I ever get

through seeing all these people on my list, and all those not yet on this

list? I’ll just have to get up early and go to bed late for the next six

months.’

‘Mum, why don’t you just draw up a list and call your friends? Give

them their appointed time, let’s say twenty minutes each, and that way

you’ll be able to control everything.’

Tanya was ever the pragmatist, but always in a ruthless way. Humanity

and compassion were not traits she was endowed with; it certainly

questioned her choice of nursing as her lifelong vocation.

‘I can’t do that!’ cried out Joyce, whose usual chit-chat sessions lasted

no less than two hours. ‘What will people think of me? And just

imagine all the gossip that would spread? I’ll never be able to lift my

head up again. Besides, I’d lose all my friends, and then what would I

do with my time?’

‘Don’t fret about things, Joyce.’ Said Felix. ‘You’ll do exactly as you

always do, and I’m sure you’ll manage to see everyone on your list in

time.’ Felix was planning on doing a lot of overtime to ensure he would

not get caught up with Joyce’s friends.

The time was right for packing the car for the journey to Heathrow

Airport. This time, John did not decline the offer of help from Felix to

load the bags. The boot was over-full, held down with strong straps; the

bags on the roof rack looked precariously balanced. John realised that

he would have to drive carefully. John and Felix struggled to get the

bags on to the conveyor belt at the check-in. They were both exhausted.

Wiping his brow with his handkerchief, John excused himself and

made a quick dash for the toilet. They farewelled the parents. As John

and Tanya made their way out of the airport, Tanya burst out into a furious

tirade.

‘Do you know what all their baggage cost me? I had to pay one

thousand five hundred pounds for excess weight!’ Tanya was inconsolable.

‘Don’t you forget, I had to pay much the same in France, just to

pamper to your parents’ greedy egos!’ chimed John, as he vowed to

himself to never let out the truth of the matter to his devoutly Catholic

wife. It was the best bit of mischief he’d got up to in a long time.